Rejection and Pity

[bring em all in]

Throughout my life I have been engaged in the all-or-nothing thinking Walker's book. People fit in two categories for me- those who reject me because I'm ugly and socially inept, and those who feel sorry for me. My therapist says to perceive compassion, but I viscerally feel pitied.

You know the saying, "It's better to be feared than loved?" My inner critic has an unshakable motto of its own- "Its better to be despised than pitied." I get angry when people make fun of me and/or reject me, but I really can't stand it when people feel sorry for me. I don't want to be this way, feel this way, but talk therapy and journaling and positive affirmations have been futile. The best affirmation I could come up with in an affirmation-writing session at a Day Hospital program in a mental hospital was, "Maybe I'm not quite as bad as I think I am."

How have some of you dealt with an inner critic that seems impervious to change?

[hurtbeat]

Hi Bring em all in!

From what you're writing it sounds like you have a hard time feeling vulnerable and that you do not trust in true compassion but rather see an act of compassion as pity.
"Pity" being someone feeling forced to do something nice in order for you to feel better even though they might not really feel like it.

So the real issue seems to lie in you trusting that someone might truly care for you and genuinely want you to feel good.
I can see a child in front of myself now who had parents that never truly dedicated any love or attention towards that child, maybe they were unable to, but still.
What a cold environment for a small child to grow up in.
Who would wish that upon any child?
I certainly wouldn't!
What do you feel when you see this child in front of you?

[sanmagic7]

my husband got polio when he was 3, got his first set of crutches when he was 6.  he was mocked, ridiculed, stared at, and made fun of much of his life.  when he and i first began getting together, the question of pitying him/'feeling sorry for him came up.  he asked me if i was with him because i felt sorry for him.

to tell you the truth, feeling sorry for him never crossed my mind as a reason to like or dislike him.  he's quite a few inches shorter than me due to the surgeries on his legs he had to undergo.  his body is twisted somewhat because of the way he's had to walk - a brace on his polio leg which keeps it straight and has made him walk with a sort of swinging motion.  physically, he wouldn't be my ideal.

but to pity him?  i know what he's accomplished in spite of his disability, know how intelligent he is, know how sensitive and generous he is, know how much he cares about the people close to him.  when he asked me the question, i admitted that it was a little bit strange to be with a disabled man, mainly because i hadn't had much exposure to that population.  however, the other parts of him overrode the disability part.

he had once decided to accept that part of him that was different from other people.  he'd told an intern in the hospital when he was a kid that he wanted to just cut that leg off.  the intern told him that then people would still be staring, and he still wouldn't look like everyone else.  that was a turning point for him.

maybe it would be helpful if you accepted that part of you that others have rejected, embrace your difference as something that allows you to be individual in a world of wannabe clones, or change your perspective from ugly to interesting.  society is always going to set standards for beauty - large, meaty women used to be the norm for what was considered beautiful, now it's model-thin.  after the latest 'star wars' movie, carrie fisher got a lot of flack for 'letting herself go'.  she fired back that her mind and her body had aged differently, so bite them! 

bring em all in, i hope i'm not sounding harsh.  i don't mean to be.  i'm saying this with care and affection for you and a real issue with which you continue to struggle.  you have a right to be angry, no doubt.  people have been cruel to you.  hopefully, you will learn to channel that anger into something that benefits your life.   wishing you well, as always.

[Courtois@@1]

In Walker's book he calls it "shrinking the inner critic," and I think it may take time.
Maybe one way is to be with a good therapist long enough that you begin to internalize his "good self" as a counter-balance to your inner "bad self," that is, your inner critic. I wish there were a faster way, but if there is, I don't know what it is.

[Piou]

Good insights hurtbeat!

I struggle with this so much