I AM ugly

[bring em all in]

Yes, my inner critic tells me that as a result of being born with a cleft lip and palate that I am ugly. Outer critics have confirmed this. Constant bully when I was a child confirmed this. Kids pushing their noses in, calling me "Pugnose," and mocking my speech impediment told me I was not like other kids, and was not "one of them." As a teacher, I had numerous students bully me in the same way. One sincerely asked if I had been a boxer. Another asked me, "Why do you talk so funny?"

When I was married to a woman who worked at a dating service I was in the lobby waiting for her to finish her shift. She came out and asked me to one of the back rooms because "the manager doesn't want women coming in and thinking you are someone they might be matched with."

Others tell me I look "normal" or okay and say I'm overly sensitive to my appearance. I'd like to believe them, but I can't.

I think I'll skip ahead in the book to the inner critic chapter, but I'm afraid my inner critic is not only stubborn- it's correct.

[Gentian]

Can I just say that I for one would take unconventional beauty over the conventional any day.  Cultural ideals are ever-changing and arbitrary to begin with.  Please give your inner critic a big fat "shut up" for me.

Also, it's entirely possible that people who say you are being overly sensitive about what you perceive to be your flaws are right, and you are not "ugly" at all.  Kids especially go after the most minute characteristics in each other.  And aren't dating services sorta guilty of championing conventional attractiveness?? I mean, look at the couples in the ads...just sayin'.

And it wouldn't matter if you were "ugly".  You don't owe it to the world to be what it considers beautiful anyway.  Your worth is not determined by your appearance. 

That said, looking like a boxer would be pretty manly to many, IMO.

[sanmagic7]

i second the notion to tell your inner critic to 'shut up!'

this whole thing about attractiveness - o my heart!  i can't tell you how many people i've known who were 'attractive' by conventional standards, yet when i got to know them were petty, shallow and mean.  the more i knew who they were, the uglier they got to me, even physically.  yet, i've also known people who would never make the cover of a 'model' magazine, but every time i looked at them, their inner beauty shown through, and they were/are some of the loveliest people i have known.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder, indeed.  to those who judge beauty by looks alone, i say pooh!  they are just as shallow and not worth my time.  with a heart and soul as sweet as yours, bring em all in, you could never be ugly. 

[Three Roses]

Physical beauty is nothing but an accident of birth. The person performed no acts of compassion or self-sacrifice, no humanitarian good will, and yet we laud them for their physical appearance as if they were beautiful on the inside as well, as if their beauty were some sort of reward. We give them importance in our culture. This really seems stupid to me. When I meet someone who is beautiful but shallow, I always feel a little sorry for them.

What matters most about a person has nothing to do with physical appearance. Will that matter when they're gone? What remains behind when someone is gone is how they made others feel, how deeply they cared, their acts of compassion in trying to make their little corner of the world a better place for everyone. And so, Gentian, in my eyes you are beautiful.

[Blueberry]

Oh, what a beautiful post, ThreeRoses! 

[Wife#2]

I have to second what Three Roses said as well.

I am 49 years old and I have met only two really beautiful people. They had the looks, yes, but they also had a spirit and a nature of beauty. One was a girl in junior high school, the other is my niece. The rest have been pretty-faced people. They lack something and when around them long enough, that lack shows, marring that facial beauty.

One thing I have found over my life is that many beautiful people come to rely on their looks too much (that girl who was too beautiful to go to jail after horrific behavior on a plane??). Those of us with plain faces or who have scars or even birthmarks are more interesting. We tend to be more open to others, willing to see the actual person. Beauty, real soul beauty, can be revealed only when someone takes the time to meet the person under the skin. Most of my very pretty friends were superficial people and the friendships didn't last very long. Most of my 'damaged' or 'flawed' friends are friends to this day. I accept them for who they are, they likewise accept me for who I am.

My husband was in a horrific crash before we met. His entire face had to be reconstructed, along with major repairs to other parts of him. They did a good job, but he'll never look the way he did before the accident. I never knew that face, I only knew the face that doctors made for him. I married him because I loved him. I still love him. When he is suffering because he believes I 'settled' for him, I have to remind him that his face, while handsome to me, isn't him. Just like his hand isn't him. Just like his scar on his stomach isn't him. They are parts, and I love the parts because I love the man. Yes, he does look older than he should. Yes, he has scars and pains that I'll never understand. I am his helpmate. I am his lover. I am his wife. I do all I can in my power to let him know the superficial is just that - superficial. The substance of the man I married and love is what matters to me.

Oh - and I met my husband on a dating website. He had a photo, too! What attracted me to this man with the reconstructed face? His eyes. His amazing eyes. I saw the face and thought it was handsome, made even more handsome by those amazing eyes. So - ppthththththth (that's supposed to be a big, wet raspberry) to anyone who says your looks are distracting to website dating.

If children ask, answer honestly. That's how my cerebral-palsy-having friend handled it. He wasn't ashamed, he had no reason to be. The misshapen head and the speech impediment and the wheelchair are all parts of his reality. My asking honestly WHY he needed a wheelchair led to some interesting conversations and many jokes between us as friends later. Did I think him less a man because he spoke funny? Nope. He'd laugh with us and say if you think THIS sounds funny, wait till I've had a few beers! Then tease us because at least HE wouldn't fall on his face when in his wheelchair! If it was a time when he was feeling sensitive and someone asked about his speech, he'd try to make light a little - what speech impediment? I talk just fine, you must not be able to understand my charming southern drawl.

My point is that you can claim it as a part of your true soul beauty. THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING DIFFERENT. Embrace yourself for the man you are. THAT is enough. These men, my husband and my friend, are not special. They had hardships and struggles and times when they were treated horribly just because they're different. One found his way by just being genuine to himself, the other found his way through humor. They only allowed in the people who could appreciate them for who they are.

You are NOT ugly. UGLY is as UGLY does - to paraphrase a famous movie. Your heart as revealed in your posts on this site PROVE you are not ugly, but in fact beautiful. Stand tall, chin up. YOU are NOT ugly. YOU are BEAUTIFUL!

[bring em all in]

I thank you all for the support and encouragement. I care more about what my inner critic says to/about me than other critics- it's just that those critics reinforce what I already think about myself.

Being born with a cleft lip/palate is integral to some of the traumas in my life. Because of the CL/CP I had many surgeries. The first memory of my life is of being post-operative and having my arms/hands pinned down to keep me from reaching my mouth.When I was 14 I had one in which the anesthesia did not work correctly and I was awake during the surgery but unable to move or speak. Another time in the hospital I was molested. My disfigured appearance led to severe bullying in school and a teacher who said it was my fault for being so sensitive to "normal teasing." My CL/CP condition has contributed to a lifetime of intermittent sinus and ear infections and hearing loss. No hair grows along where the cleft lip was- a constant reminder.

I mentioned this in  a previous post, but my parents decided not to take any baby pictures of me until after several surgeries, and that sticks in my crawl. I want to see that boy who arrived in the world before he had to be "fixed" enough to be photographed. There were other "mommy issues" related to my condition that I don't tend to go into with anyone.

Beauty (and ugly) may be skin deep, but these scars go deep indeed.

I know the world outside is not going to change and that it is not as rejecting as I believe it to be. The change must come from within, but the supportive comments in this thread are external "voices" helping to counter my inner critic.

Again, thank you!

[Blueberry]

Your last post makes me so sad, bring em all in, I mean that stupid, insensitive teacher's comment, and your parents not taking any baby photos as you were. So from me 

[bring em all in]

Thank you, Blueberry. I spoke about this some with my T today, especially about reframing perspective and talking to my young self.

[sanmagic7]

i hope both those approaches are helpful to you, bring em all in.  you certainly deserve some relief from this.  big hug.