3R's Path of Recovery

[Three Roses]

There is an awful lot of pressure to always feel happy in our culture. "How am I? Fine, thanks. Have a good day!"

I'm trying to find out who I want to be, now. Now that the blinders are off, or at least I'm aware I have always had them. It's not time to return to how I was before - it's time to just set one foot down & take a step in the direction I see now. Gather resources and individuals to myself that will aid me in that, and not hinder me.

And if I've stepped in a direction I find doesn't serve me well enough, make a course correction. The important thing is to move. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I had a boss many years ago who would say, "Do something, even if it's wrong!" I find myself thinking of this a lot lately.

I met my new therapist yesterday, and the good news is I liked him; the bad news is, he's clueless about complex ptsd. When asked, he said he'd never seen a case of ptsd that wasn't complicated. I told him the word "complex" just referred to the fact that there was more than one trauma. Ptsd is only "simple" in that there is one single event or injury - an accident, for instance. This was news to him. That I may have to educate my therapist on my condition troubles me more than a little.

But lucky for me, Kizzie has provided a ton of material for me to deluge him with! 

[Three Roses]

I am realizing more & more that I'm not well emotionally. How I've tried my whole life to cover up how different I feel I am, how much I feel that I don't fit in anywhere.

The anger and loneliness, the shame, confusion, and hopelessness. I feel stuck.

[radical]

I think you are very brave, taking that leap of faith, opening yourself up, being seen, being prepared to change direction.
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling different, not finding a niche to fit into, and feel like a misfit as a result.  How many of us are there?

Today I felt better, I was writing in my offline journal: "Even if I have a broken brain*, my experiences are valuable because they have been different.  I mingle, I pass as normal most of the time, yet my life hasn't been.  I do believe there is some value in that, that I do have something worthwhile to contribute".

There seem to be a few kinds of more comfortable track in life.   They no means pain-free but they conventional enough to smooth over the rougher edges of human existence.  They allow for easy translation to others and imperfect but 'good enough' understanding.  People seem to  fit together, they can mostly tell the truth and be open about their lives and experiences.  Everyone has their secrets and sorrows, but being on a known track gives others on that track the reassurance to give each other a lot or leeway.  People who aren't on a comfortable track don't get that same leeway, we are often misjudged, ignored or left out.  When we talk about our lives many seem to turn away, or find some ill-fitting box to put us into, out of the way. 

I think I might have chosen that for myself, as a shy person.  I didn't get that choice.  For a long time I tried to find a way to be acceptable to others, be better, kinder, work harder.  Now what I want more than anything is to spend time with other good people who fell off, or were never on the "right track' to begin with.  I feel like we have something unique to offer the world.  We certainly have something valuable to offer each other.  I'd like to be accepted by more "mainstream" people, but I feel that trying to earn acceptance where everyone around is just believing it is their due is dangerous and doomed.  How can I be accepted if I buy into my own unacceptability?

Therapy can be a really big help when it works well, I hope it goes well for you.

*Excuse the term "broken brain"  It's a shorthand to myself, not meaning to be offensive to you or to myself, just a private journal thing.

[Three Roses]

No, I feel the same, I feel my brain - not my mind - has been damaged, knocked off kilter. So I'm not offended

And I'm actually crying tonight! It feels so good! I haven't been able to for quite a while now, so it's progress.

[radical]

 

When I feel bad I long to have a proper, deep weep.  So healing, so much relief.  Different from just brief tears, then dissociation.
Glad you are able to do this for yourself. 

[Three Roses]

Yesterday was wonderful! A situation came up between some friends and me which proved to be a catalyst, and broke the dam holding back my anger and grief. Had a good cry, and it felt wonderful. It's been at least a couple of years since I've been able to cry like that.

But I really do hope the AMA or whoever decide to call this something other than complex ptsd. It's confusing for people, makes it sounds like it's more complicated, when "complex" really means it's more than just one thing, more than one traumatic event or situation or whatever. And I think I'd like to see a distinction between those whose childhoods were relatively uneventful but developed this as an adult, and those like me whose development was skewed because of repeated trauma throughout childhood & beyond. I'm tired of trying to explain.

[Three Roses]

It's 4 in the morning, can't sleep, can't shut off my brain. Wide awake and exhausted. Feel stretched to my limits lately and thinking too much about every little thing and if it's right or wrong. Inner critic's working overtime.

[Hope66]

I hope you get some rest and the chance to relax today.  It's tough to have a bad night like you've had, and I hope your Inner Critic leaves you alone for a while.

[Three Roses]

Thanks, Hope.

I am so glad this year is over. I'm hoping the coming year will bring some much-need changes my way.

And I'm wishing for each of us here a safe and prosperous New Year. Happy New Year, everyone!

[sanmagic7]

happy new year back atcha, 3 roses.

reading here, first may i say that i am so happy for you that you've taken this step.  i know how you've avoided it - starting a journal of recovery.  it shows how much you've grown, my dear, how much your strength and bravery are coming to the fore.  and secondly, yay for healing tears!  i've always believed that such tears take toxins from our bodies, which is why we feel better after such a cry.  plus, beginning to get in touch with your anger is major!  yay again!

also, after reading about the feeling of being a misfit, i thought of the black swans and the bell curve.  (personally, i never thought of myself that way - i was able to blend so well with just enough naughtiness to keep the entertainment level high.  now i see myself completely differently - a misfit of the highest degree.  a black swan, if you will.)

so, the story goes like this.  in the classroom, we were usually taught about the bell curve, where 80-90% of the class was located grade-wise.  but there were little 'wings' at the bottom of this curve, which made it look like a bell, where the other 10-20% of the class grades landed.  in life, this same phenomenon exists.  most people fall into the main section of the bell curve, while the few lie to either side on the wings.  doctors and many other helping professions cater to the vast majority inside this curve, often not caring or ignorant about those who reside outside the main body.  a one-size-fits-all mentality.

for many, many years it was believed there were no black swans, because no one had ever seen one.  the belief existed and was spread about as truth.  most everyone believed it and would swear there were no black swans.  until one day, someone in new zealand or thereabouts, discovered a small lagoon upon which swam - yep, black swans.   finally, the actual truth, rather than the false truth, was made known.  just because one didn't know there were black swans didn't mean there weren't any.

i believe now that we who are blessed/cursed with this condition called c-ptsd (and you're absolutely correct about it.  it is complex as opposed to complicated because it is layer upon layer upon layer of trauma as compared to a traumatic incident.  it is also different from ptsd because it is relationship-connected.  ptsd is usually caused by some 'thing' rather than some person/people with whom we have a relationship.)  are black swans.  we are outside the main body of the bell curve, which is why we are often misdiagnosed, looked over, ignored, and not believed.   we don't fit inside the box, but to explore outside the box takes time and energy and a heartfelt willingness to heal.  it was a long time before those adventurers took the time and expended the energy to travel to a relatively unknown spot out of curiosity, just because they wanted to see what might be there that may have been missed in other places.  and, lo and behold, they found a beautiful truth that turned out to be real.

i say blessed because you folks are a blessing to me.  i think the cursed part is self-explanatory.

i hope you look up black swans to see their reality.  they are some of the most beautiful birds i've ever seen.  just like the people on this forum.  and, 3 roses, for your sake, i hope your new therapist has the curiosity and adventurer spirit to do some of his own research on c-ptsd,.  i'd give him a gold star if he did.  he has a black swan in his office who deserves all the care, gentleness, warmth, and competence he can gather in order to surround her with it.   she is beautiful and must be treated as such.

[Three Roses]

I'm moved beyond words by the kindness of your posts. Thank you, everyone.

This morning is the first blank page of a brand new journal. I can write what I choose on the pages of my life - go where I will - not encumbered by the expectations of others, whether they wish me well or not. For so long I've been afraid, without realizing how deep that fear goes. I'm seeing it for the first time, these past few months, and I'm growing more and more willing and able to finally deal with it.

This morning I was able to push away the avalanche of worry and negativity that tried to descend on my waking mind. Today, I'll resist and fight! If only for one day.

[sanmagic7]

one day counts.  big hug.

[Three Roses]

We've had a long spell of bad weather that kept me from seeing my therapist again until today. I feel better about his expertise after talking to him today.

I started off by apologizing for bringing him some information on CPTSD from our Resources section. I told him I didn't mean to be rude or insulting, that my purpose was merely to share information. He thanked me and said he'd look at it, that he has met people from Australia (the print outs are from Blue Knot in Australia) and thinks they are further ahead in their understanding and treatment of trauma than here in the US.

We talked a little about the DSM and his views on how it's manipulated and tainted by politics and Big Pharma. This conversation left me feeling more of a connect with him, more respect for his knowledge and ability to help me.

After that, I took a deep breath and spilled my guts - well, a little bit anyway. I've never told anyone some of those things - in fact just within the last few years have I remembered a few of them myself. So, I'm getting there. He asked me then to do him a favor - that if I chose to not come back after divulging all that to him, that I would at least contact him to tell him so. He said often when people tell things for the first time, their next impulse is to run. I laughed and said that was good insight, I am deep down a runner of the first magnitude. *, I've even run and kept the truth from myself! How accomplished is that!   

It is now 7 hours later and I'm just now beginning to feel a little. I was numb until now. Came home and did some housework, full of nervous, jangly energy. Then I crashed. I may have trouble sleeping tonight but I think I did a good job of self-care for the most part.

Next appointment is the beginning of February. I'm looking forward to it.

[sanmagic7]

yay for you, 3 roses!  that's some courage you showed.  i'm really glad you were able to get some of that stuff out, finally, dumping it into a place where it will be taken care of for you so you don't have to carry it around the same way as in the past.

very insightful, his 'diagnosis' of the dsm.  so many therapists live by it.  it's refreshing to hear of one who knows it for what it is.

dang, girl, you did good!   you can be proud of yourself on many levels.  keep taking care of you.  i'm doing the same.  we're in this together and will beat this beast!

[Three Roses]

  for you!