Personal effects of CPTSD

[jgolden]

As I've been learning more about the variety of symptoms of CPTSD, and those that I exhibit, I've found myself fascinated with how many areas of my life have been affected, and for how long I've been attempting to find the justification, cause and the cure for many of them.

One example is sensory motor coordination. I played sports most of my growing up, but couldn't dance or do aerobics to save my life. My ability to mirror what I see someone else do is next to non-existent. I'm crazy strong and will take on any physical task... but am prone to tripping when walking on stairs, miscalculate corners and furniture and am constantly covered in randomly acquired bruises.

Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.

Bouncing between hyper sexuality and extreme inhibition, repressed anger (on the outside) while screaming in rage (on the inside), dissociation and loss of time while zoning out, insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement. Many of these, I can correlate to traumatic events from my past... and many of them, I can see how they stem from those events.

They say that knowledge is a gift... I'm in the process of writing my book and hoping that through that process, I can instill knowledge of this disorder in others and do my part to reduce the stigma attached to this (and other) mental illnesses. I can definitely say that my knowledge of this has allowed me to see events and after effects in a different light.

In full honesty and disclosure, I'm feeling good today. There are many days where I'm not nearly as coherent, confident, or positive about my experiences or symptoms... I have those days where I lock myself in my closet, curl up in fetal position, cut myself, binge eat, sleep all day, self medicate, genuinely medicate, and contemplate the purpose of my life and the reasons I'm still hanging on. Like I said, it's an okay day.

[mourningdove]

I relate to most of this.

Glad you are having an okay day.

[Three Roses]

My ability to mirror what I see someone else do is next to non-existent.

I attempted group aerobics a few times - more than once, I caught the instructor rolling her eyes at me. 

[bazou]

As I've been learning more about the variety of symptoms of CPTSD, and those that I exhibit, I've found myself fascinated with how many areas of my life have been affected, and for how long I've been attempting to find the justification, cause and the cure for many of them.

One example is sensory motor coordination. I played sports most of my growing up, but couldn't dance or do aerobics to save my life. My ability to mirror what I see someone else do is next to non-existent. I'm crazy strong and will take on any physical task... but am prone to tripping when walking on stairs, miscalculate corners and furniture and am constantly covered in randomly acquired bruises.

OMG! That's me! My whole life! I broke my tailbone 4 times, I'm constantly falling, tripping, bumping. My entire family knows this about me, they call me the walking accident. C-PTSD did this?

I had my C-PTSD "ah-hah" moment only about 2 weeks ago so I'm still processing all this.  Always knew some of my chronic issues (IBS, Fybromyalgia,...) were linked but this is new!

[Candid]

One example is sensory motor coordination.
Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.
Bouncing between hyper sexuality and extreme inhibition, repressed anger (on the outside) while screaming in rage (on the inside), dissociation and loss of time while zoning out, insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement.

All of the above, jgolden, and I'm glad you're having a good day today. Let us know when your book is out!

[Youla]

...

Another is object permanence... the realization that things/people exist even when they are out of my physical presence. Gaps in conversations, texts, emails, visits.... even long weekends from work tend to create anxiety in me that makes me believe that my relationships and job are at risk.

... insecurity in relationships, finding myself at fault for nearly everything (even when my logical brain knows different), and immediately rushing to flight/flight response when confronted by even the smallest of disagreement. Many of these, I can correlate to traumatic events from my past... and many of them, I can see how they stem from those events.

Yes to all of the above. How do you handle the fear that the lack of object constancy creates in your life? Are you aware of the fear and tension when it happens or do you tend to see  afterwards that you felt fear or tension because of object constancy?

[Candid]

OMG! That's me! My whole life! I broke my tailbone 4 times, I'm constantly falling, tripping, bumping. My entire family knows this about me, they call me the walking accident. C-PTSD did this?

I'm thinking so. My father called me clumsy more often than he called me Candid.

How do you handle the fear that the lack of object constancy creates in your life? 

I have sleep issues. I can keep the worry at bay during the day but when I need to switch off it comes and gets me. It's bloody 'orrible.