Dreams and other thoughts

[ws0116]

I really find some strength in seeing that I'm not the only one having weird but heavy and realistic dreams. I hope you all have the strength to get back from that 'dreamworld' and take care of yourselves good.

I hope it's okay if I share some of my experiences? That way I can write some off my mind and maybe if someone recognizes it, it would be great to hear! 
For the past three years I have been struggling with realistic dreams and feeling really tired during the day.  These dreams occur mostly during the beginning or the end of my 'sleep'. Sometimes they're paired with physical outings like laughing, screaming and hitting (,that is for what I know).

[TW: violence] (sorry im quite new to TW, so not sure if this is the right one & use)
This afternoon I had a nap and dreamed about a whole array of things. From being on a holiday with my mom, grandmother en family of my grandmother. Which was alright, but I had to hide some money? I also needed to study a video of kpop-group BTS so I had to put that above the people I was on holiday with.
Then, somehow things spiraled out of hand. I ended up in a bakery where I felt threatened by a man, that followed me during my work there. I lost some moments but it ended with him being closed up in a oven by accident and that was my moment to run away, but not without having to look him in the eyes one more time.

Somehow my dreams have an elaborate scenario and I'm quite surprised of what my mind is capable of when I wake up.
If you have read this, thank you for your time >.<

[Hope67]

Hi ws0116,
I read what you wrote about your dreams, and really relate to what you wrote, in terms of also having very realistic dreams and experiences related to them. 

I'd like to Welcome  you to the forum too, as I see you've done your third posting - and I hope very much that you will find this forum helpful - there are very supportive and encouraging people here, and I hope you'll find it helpful.

I hope you feel better after your nap this afternoon, and that you are ok.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Trigger warnings *** (disturbing night terror including details of that):
Last night I had quite a vivid and disturbing Night Terror - I remember struggling with whether I was actually awake or asleep, and feeling 'as if' I had a stroke happening - i.e. as if half my face was feeling numb, and I was worried about myself - but I think I must have been asleep - because the next thing I remembered was a man in a dark coat with a bag who ran towards me, and I had the thought that he was going to kill me with a chemical attack - I wondered if the news events of the chemical nerve agent in Salisbury had caused me to think this - and also whether my post about Little Hope's fears of the night-time, had triggered me to have this awful night terror.  I woke my partner up by screaming really loudly - and he told me he had thought he was going to have a heart attack - so I was worried for him.

But I am going to keep going with my attempts to process things, and hope that the frequency of the night terrors won't increase too much in the process of that.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Trigger warning: Disturbing dream, slightly graphic.

I experienced a disturbing dream/night terror last night whereby it was as if someone/or maybe even myself had a coat hanger and had made it into a pointed wire tip and was going to attack my eye-ball - I woke my partner by screaming really loudly at that point, just as I thought the attack was about to take place - and maybe that's why I remembered it, as he woke me up, after I screamed.  I don't know.

I know I had been feeling bad for sharing some stuff about myself here in the forum, and that my inner critic had been having a go at me for that.  Telling me that people would think I was disgusting etc - and so maybe those fears fed into my dream and created that horrible night terror. 

Anyway, the relief is that it's not happened.  I just think the angst and the terror was felt - and now I can be grateful for the calmer aspect of the day, in comparison to the terror of the nighttime. 

I guess the frequency of night terrors is getting more due to my facing my CSA issues, and other issues, that I had previously avoided, and so I am going to continue with my wish to face these things - but I need to pace myself - as it has felt quite over-whelming - and I've been reading around the forum more - and realising that I'm not alone with these things.  That is so helpful. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I have just re-read much of this thread - and I am amazed at what I've been writing about my dreams.  I do realise I have written quite a lot in the forum, since joining, but reading through this - I think - it's amazing how many dreams I've had and also it is interesting to read about the content and somehow part of me is laughing as I have read some of them - I think - How can this be that I am so affected in this way.  Is this real?  I know it is of course, but as I read it this evening, I think - it is a LOT of dreams.

What I am glad about is the fact that the night terrors haven't been happening lately - dreams are ok, but night terrors, those are so frightening when they happen - so I'm relieved that there's a change.

I dreamed last night, but can't remember what the content was - but I felt like it was a deeper sleep and that I did dream. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

11th August 2020
I have just re-read the entire thread here today - and I am now tearful - because I realise how much I forget about what I write, and I am amazed by how much I've written, and also the themes of my dreams - and for some reason the dream where I was precariously balanced on a water pad and feared drowning, that made a part of me really upset and tearful.  Really emotional to read that - but maybe it was also the contrast with my partner's recollection of that night as well.  Such different perceptions and experiences of the same situation.

I am so glad I kept writing about my dreams here, because I can see themes, and I can recognise stuff - and see how I've changed over time.

I'd also like to write about a dream I had last night - a similar theme to ones I've had before - this time I seemed to be on a boat with lots of belongings around me, and then it seemed to morph into a hotel room or old guest house - not sure, but it wasn't very homely - quite old and there was stuff everywhere.  My equivalent of my MIL was with me in the dream, and she seemed to be enjoying the trip (at that point it was on a boat) and she was smiling and she was close physically to me - and I was thinking that she was enjoying it a lot, and wondering why she was getting so close to me!

I know that in IRL she has been having some help from me, so maybe that is why.  I admit I'm not so comfortable with the proximity of that either.  So maybe that was represented in the dream.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Hi Spirals,

Your wish-fulfillment dreams sounds great.  I remember once that I dreamed about having a baby - and the feeling was so amazing when the baby was delivered and I could hold her - I think she was a girl.  It was like total elation - I have always remembered that feeling - so lovely!  I don't have any children.  So maybe that was a wish fulfillment dream.



I woke up crying in my sleep last night - and the centre of my head really hurt - normally it's the left-hand-side that might hurt, near my left eye socket and above that.  But I understood that I was crying due to having had to leave a role I loved recently - and so it was normal to process and grieve for that change.  I don't like any form of 'goodbye' anyway, so it has been a challenging time, but I am glad I'm managing to process things, rather than dissociate and distract myself from them.  So it feels like progress.   

Wow, I came here to add a dream that I'd had last night, and noticed what I wrote here back in 2020 about the birth of a baby and the wish fulfillment kind of dream. 

I am embarrassed that I didn't see the replies from Spirals and Bring Em Back (not sure if that was your name - going from memory of just reading it) - so I'm sorry I never responded back then. 

Need to post this, and then write about the other dream, as it is also about the birth of a child...

[Hope67]

Oops, I feel silly now, as I had been reading page 1 or page 2 of this journal, and thought I hadn't responded to Spirals and Bring Em On, but I had replied I think.  I noticed the dream I had about the birth of the baby - previously, and how that had felt.

4th January 2022
I dreamed last night that I had given birth to a baby, and I was in a hospital and the baby had been taken away for some treatment or procedure, and I was left not knowing what had happened, and not being told anything.  I felt abandoned and some feelings relating to that.  I found it interesting that I stayed with those feelings, experiencing them, and actually telling myself it was ok to feel those feelings - rather than distract or dissociate from them.  I am sure this is down to my attempts in recent years to stay with emotions and work through them, rather than avoid or distract from them.

I have never had a baby, I don't have any children, but yet I had two dreams - one of the intense feeling of joy at having a baby, and the other of the feeling of abandonment and grief that the baby was taken away, and I didn't know what had happened. 

I can't really make more of these things, except to comment on them, and I wanted to add the recent one to this 'dream journal'.

I don't think I'm up to re-reading this whole thread today, but I might come back in a few days and re-read it, to see if I get any thoughts about the themes or what I think about it.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you sharing your dreams.  I am curious what you will uncover in looking back.  I am also curious about trying to log my dreams.  I think I often dream and then can't remember them but then am left with a weird feeling after.   

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I have found it helpful keeping a dream journal, and I hope you will also find it helpful, if you decide to go ahead with your curiosity regarding trying to log your dreams.  The 'weird feeling' after is definitely something I relate to.  I am often left with remnant feelings, after dreams, and I feel as if different parts of myself have been able to take hold of my body in the night, and that they process and work through things - and that sometimes I remember snippets, and othertimes I don't.  But it's interesting to read back my dream notes, and I can see themes and changes there.

*****
I did re-read some of these notes, and what struck me was that there were many dreams that involved my M, and her pursuing me, or controlling me etc.  But I am thankful that in the recent months she's not featured in my dreams, and that's nice!  I prefer it that way.

Regarding the dreams of giving birth, I noticed there were three of those - I am sure there will be regrets about the family I never had - no children - but I'm not grieving that, as I do feel happy with my life and my partner.  What I think I feel is that my earlier background and upbringing caused me to not have normal feelings about certain things, and therefore opportunities passed me by.  Actually as I write that, I know there are lots of things I could write about it, but I would feel uncomfortable about sharing the details, hence I'm not.

My partner told me that I had been talking in my sleep last night, and immediately I felt a sense of dread about what I might have said.  However, he told me that I said this:

"My hands have become flowers.  No scissors."

He thinks those were the exact words I said.  I think that's a little bizarre.  It made me laugh to hear that though.  I wonder if I feared that someone might cut off my hands (thinking they were nice flowers to be picked) and therefore it was important that no scissors were around to do that.  I don't know... 

I had no memory of the hands turning into flowers, and no memories of any dreams last night, so it was interesting to hear that I'd been talking about it in my sleep.

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Thanks for sharing your dreams here. To me, it sounds like you might be connecting to a younger part of yourself, maybe one that experienced some things before, which is why you're familiar with dissociating. It sounds very positive though. Scissors sound like something violent/intimidating as well and flowers are loving; that you're blocking that negativity out for joy. Not sure if you've mentioned it before, and just looking in as an outsider so please disregard if it doesn't feel relevant.

dolly 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate your sharing and insights.  I had two pretty intense dreams last night and documented them after they happened on my phone.  I'm not sure I would have remembered them otherwise - for me a pattern is lack of safety.  I'll be interested to see how this goes. 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee - I think what you wrote about my dream was relevant and useful, so thank you.   

Hi Rainydiary Good luck with taking account of your dreams, I think it is an interesting thing to do, and can see how themes are there and how they can change over time.  I've been glad to keep this Dream journal going. 

16th January 2022
I had a very realistic dream last night.  I was attending some kind of conference with my partner, which would be unusual to have done in real life, as we come from very different work backgrounds.  But we were at the same conference, and there were a lot of people attending it.  There were times when people needed to work in two's, and I didn't always find my partner around at the time, but was able to locate him in time to pair up with him.  Although I felt anxiety each time that I tried to seek him out and locate him - but what came through to me was that he was there in time, and that he came to work with me.

There was also some times in the dream where the organiser spoke of feeling tension in the room, and amongst the participants, and how she commented on the fact that there was more tension than she was used to handling in a group.  I was aware that I'd wanted to say something to her at that point about her statement, but I'd felt unable to talk.  I also then became acutely aware that I didn't feel able to speak out loud about anything that was bothering me.  That I held it inside.  Therefore, how could I attempt to process it.  This rings true to experiences for me, so I see this theme loudly in this dream.

But when I woke, and thought about the dream, I was pleased that I'd ended up at a conference to attempt to work things through, as that felt like a big thing to have done.  I could see that my mind is trying to process things, and get me somewhere, even in dreamworld.  I feel positive about this dream.  There's action and there's pointers for me there.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, having read about your dream and then what you thought when you woke up, I sense so much change in you since you started on the forum or even just a short time ago.     

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for saying that, and for noticing that, it's helpful for me to see that.   

**********
I dreamed last night that I was going to have a hair appointment, and had arrived in a salon to have that, but somehow things changed and I ended up having to have a major operation of some sort (not sure what kind of operation, just that it was a major one!) and so I had the thoughts about that, and trying to cope with going through that - bearing in mind it was unexpected and I wasn't supported, I was alone in coping with it.

I kind of think that is positive though, in my reflection about the dream, as I was unprepared, BUT I did manage to go through with it, and put my trust in the people to do the operation, and hoped the outcome would be good. 

But I've no idea why I would be dreaming about needing to have an operation, as I don't think I need to have one (irl).

Good to have this dream space to write down themes and dreams. 

Hope