Dreams and other thoughts

[Magnet]

Thanks for the reply Hope, but don't feel bad for missing my post before. I just checked back in today, the day after your responding post. Love and grace, hope.

[Hope66]

Hi Magnet,
Thank you.  I hope you are having a good week.

I've decided to add to this thread, because I have had a couple more dreams this week - one was very realistic and involved me receiving a phone call (in my dream) from my FOO (Mum) telling me that my Dad was on his death bed, and my partner took the call, and told me she was on the phone - and what was happening.  I 'froze' which is what I would do if I received any phone call from her - I have been NC for a while now - but in the dream I ended up going to the phone, and saying to her 'I'm here' (I felt a surge of energy to enable me to do that, it felt 'assertive') but then she wouldn't speak on the phone at all, and I put the phone down.  Remember this is all a dream, and then I remember thinking about whether my Dad had died or not. 

I guess it's my subconscious mind worrying about these things, and the fact is that someday that scenario will happen, and I really don't know what I'm going to do.  Being NC has some testing aspects to it, but I think if I can't face them when they are alive and breathing, what can I do when they are gone?

I also had a 'night terror' (according to my partner) on a different night (last night) and he told me that I asked him if there was anyone else in the room with us, and that I had a rapidly beating heart and I was shaking and visibly upset and anxious - but I don't have any recall of that incident at all - I wouldn't have known about it if he hadn't told me about it.  I find that quite scary in some ways, as I think my heart must be being put through it's paces and I don't even know about it. 

I just wanted to put these dreams and experiences here, and I hope that I will have more peaceful experiences in the next few nights.  I am sleeping quite well - which is good. 

Hope 

[Magnet]

Thanks for that, Hope!

[Fictionalizer]

Hello again, Hope and Spirals!

My very vivid "school dreams" are back with a vengeance. I recall them in vivid detail upon waking. It's like my chronic nightmare is a reliving of just one of the traumatic aspects of my life. I've had such a variety of traumas over the years (many much worse than teaching), but my sleeping mind seems fixated on this one.

My therapist suggested that my childhood traumatic experiences left me constantly feeling observed and judged by others and feeling that I was never good enough. So, it makes sense that my chronic nightmare consists of being observed and judged inadequate in my role as a teacher- even though I am no longer a teacher.

I know this is an old topic which no one has replied to in a while.

Bring em all in,
I can so much relate to this post. I've got a code system down for my nightmares. If I have a nightmare about going to either nursery school or nursing school or both of them combined it's a definite clue that it's a memory. Of course there are other nightmares where I know they are memories. The reason for me on nursing school themes is that during the time I attended I traveled to an area of the country where my abuse took place. Though at the time I had no idea it occurred there. I got triggered on the trip and had anxiety/panic attacks the entire time. When I returned to nursing school I was totally messed up. I had my first breakdown.

Nursery school nightmares are similar in that my Nmother lied about me going to nursery school with my brother. I never went to school with him. Instead she was forced to drop me off with my psychopathic Nfather. I didn't know he was my father back them. I nicknamed him The Crazy Man because I witnessed him doing crazy things to people.

I write down all of my nightmares which fall within my guidelines as memories.

[Hope66]

It's good to see this thread is still going, and people still pop in - and Fictionalizer, I just saw your comments about your dreams and memories - I think it's a great idea to write down your nightmares, because it can help to make sense of them - at least I find it helpful to do so as well.

I've just popped in to write about a dream I had last night - which had my M in it - from my FOO, and she was driving around trying to pursue me in her car, but thankfully she never managed to actually find me!  I was relieved, but frightened by the pursuit.  However, what I found interesting, was that previously such a dream/nightmare would have been 'really scary' - whereas this time I actually felt as if part of me was in a 'mischevious' mood - and thought it was funny that she couldn't find me.  I find that really interesting, and think it might represent a 'braver' part of myself - or maybe even the 'adolescent' in me, that wants to assert herself.  I don't know, but it's showing a shift in the way I'm looking at the situation, and it feels like a better way to 'see it'. 

Not sure if this makes sense, but anyway, I just wanted to comment on what you wrote, and also share my dream.

I hope other people will also pop in and share experiences too - as it is so helpful to read other people's experiences, and I feel I learn something from everyone here. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

I wasn't having many dreams for a while, but this week I've experienced a few more - so just wanted to mention them here - in one I literally thought I saw a young girl dressed in white with long blonde hair and I thought I saw her in the room with me, and she ran past me - and it felt very 'real' as if I was 'awake' and had 'seen her' and then I put the light on, and woke my partner, and told him "I've seen her - a little girl" - I felt scared but then I went to sleep again, so it didn't affect me too much.

Then last night I dreamed that I was in another country - and I was trying to drive somewhere over there, but I was unable to reach the destination and I felt 'stuck'.  It wasn't a nice feeling - it was like I would be stuck there and unable to get back home.  I felt worried, upset and concerned about it.

I guess the themes I can see in both these dreams are ones of feeling 'out of control' and 'scared' about things - and I guess that is because I've been worrying about an altercation with a member of my FOO (my sister) and wondering what to do about it.

I just wanted to ensure I captured the essence of these dreams here - as I want to keep track of them. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Last night I had another dream, and this time I saw my M in that dream - she was standing with her head turned towards a wall - so I could just see her profile and her back mainly - and she was just standing there facing the wall.  The thing was, that I felt like I could 'see her' quite clearly - so I wasn't sure if I was actually asleep or whether I was awake and able to see a person there.  So that was a bit weird.  But I think I was only dreaming and it was just very realistic.

I don't remember feeling any particular emotion - except for a sense of 'surprise' that I could see her so clearly. 

Hope 

[Hope66]

Another very vivid dream last night - this time I was pregnant and in hospital and trying to think of ways to begin the labour process - as it was long 'overdue' and I needed to have my second child!  This is bizarre because I've not got any children IRL, but I did dream about giving birth in the past - and felt immense joy when the baby was placed on my stomach afterwards - and so I guess in my 'dream world' I already had delivered one child, and so here I was pregnant and trying to give birth to my second. 

However, I never actually gave birth - I woke up before that had happened, so I didn't experience the emotion of having the baby delivered this time.  Pity, as it had been an amazing feeling last time.

I am too old to have children of my own, but I think that dreams about being pregnant or giving birth must be relatively normal/usual for women to have.

If anyone relates to this or has any comments - I would like to hear what you think.  Otherwise, no worries, as I felt ok about this dream - it was just interesting to me.  I enjoyed it really.   

[Blueberry]

I used to have dreams about being pregnant and I always used to panic because I couldn't figure out how I could possibly be pregnant and who on earth the father could be. It was always a relief when I woke up and knew: just a dream.

It's interesting that your experience is so different and that you even dreamt the birth of your first 'dream child' and that it was such a positive experience for you.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks so much for your comments here - and what pregnancy dreams were like for you and how you interpreted them - you opened up a few thoughts and feelings for me, which I found helpful - and I might do another thread about it, once I've thought more - but it's the theme of what pregnancy or lack of pregnancy can mean, and how I've thought about that over the years, and how things have changed - I related to some things you said - it was really helpful to hear your thoughts - thank you.   I wish I could expand on that more - but at the moment, I think I need to think about it more in my head.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

This is an interesting thread, thank you Hope. I have had a few pregnancy dreams and I have always woken up in a panic. Mine always centered around fear and apprehension. Unsure of how it would have happened, and if I would survive it.

[Hope66]

Hi Elphanigh,
Thank you for sharing your own experiences of pregnancy dreams - that does sound scary to have that fear and apprehension around it.
I do wonder if I am having positive experiences within my pregnancy dreams because the reality is that I am too old to have a baby now - so maybe I know it's impossible...  no fear there as a result?  I don't know.
I know that issues of 'pregnancy' are relevant in my family history - and I hope to post about that sometime - when I feel brave enough to open up about it.  But so far, I feel too scared to express it - but I know it's a theme for me.
Thanks again for sharing your experience.
Hope 

[Hope67]

Last night I had a dream - so just wanted to write about it here - it was more like an 'apparition' as I woke with a 'jolt' and really believed that I'd seen an older woman with grey hair walking towards my bed, just before I 'jolted awake' - and then I screamed out and tried to get the light on - because I was convinced that she would come 'for me' and possibly attack me - that was my real and very intense fear at the time.  Of course, there was nobody there, and all I managed to do was wake my partner, and my pulse was racing really fast, and I suspect his was too, having been woken so violently.

I can see that my fears at the moment are that my FOO (parents) will die - even though there's no reason to think they should, as they are both fit and well - as far as I know - but I know they are older and ageing, and there is the inevitability that they will die at some point.  I fear that.  I feel intense guilt for that.

It was interesting when I was 'hanging around' listening into the conversations in the other sister website (out of the fog) (whilst our own forum was 'down') that I then realised what 'fog' stands for - 'fear' 'obligation' and 'guilt' - and it made such sense to me - although I still feel all 3 of those things on a regular basis, even though I've taken the step to be NC (no contact) with my FOO.  I'm not through that FOG yet - I still feel 'fear' I still feel 'obligation' and I still feel 'guilt' - I know that I need to let go of those things.  I am making progress - it's so much better than it was in the past few years.  But I still need to do more to break free of it.

Maybe then these dreams/experiences will lessen and stop happening.

I know that my sister (whom I have only communicated with via E-mail in the past couple of years, and with whom I am now NC again) has really strange beliefs - and I feel sure that she would think the 'woman with grey hair' might be a real spirit, or energy or even alien force - but I don't believe that myself.  I think she represented my fears of the ageing of my M, and her potential death, and maybe that I feel guilty for not being able to be the daughter that I was expected to be.  Hence I feel she wants to come and do me some damage.

Anyway, just a few thoughts - it's good to talk about it - see - I even have to justify the fact I write it here - makes me upset to think I struggle with this, but I very much do.

Not sure what to say now.  Run out of words.  Enough said. 

Hope 

[Hope67]

I wanted to write about a dream I had a couple of days ago, because it was very 'triggering' for me, and 'stayed with me' for much of the next day.

To give some background, that makes this dream seem 'understandable' - my FOO situation is that I never had a relationship with my Grand-parents or my elder sister, because my parents were secretive about 'what went on' and they were estranged from them.  But having got in contact with my sister, in the last few years, briefly, I learned more about my Grand-parents (as my sister had been brought up by them for part of the time, and therefore knew them).  One of my Grand-parents had Parkinson's disease, yet my NM never told me this.  I have a memory of a friend whose Grand-mother had Parkinson's disease, and me saying to my M that I was concerned for my friend incase there was genetic links (this was when I was quite young that I said this, not really understanding the condition etc) - but my M had never said to me, 'Well your own Grand-mother has this' - she kept that from me. 

Anyway, in my dream, I ended up believing that I have Parkinson's disease, and I really felt as if I had it - and it was scary and that scary feeling remained into the following day - but in addition to that I had a triggering event that I needed to go to that evening, and so my anxiety had gone up and up during the day - and although I managed to attend that event, and was pleased about it, I remained quite 'triggered' the following day - which was yesterday - and I actually felt as if I had dementia, because I was forgetful, distracted, couldn't focus - etc etc.  I am so thankful that this morning, I feel so much better - calmer, more focused, and so I realise that my 'head' has been churning through some existential fears - and wondering if I've inherited something from the Grand-mother I never knew, and has caused me to 'feel symptoms' that just aren't there.  Anxiety creates forgetfulness, and I know I dissociate regularly - moment to moment sometimes - in the day.

Last night, I was experiencing 'getting in touch' with some 'wounded parts' of myself, and a 'new character' came out to me - that was 'stressy' 'anxious' and 'overly worried about health' - extremely 'hypervigilant' and I thought -  that's a destinct character/part/inner child I've not met before, but whom I can feel her angst and worries.  I tried to think of unblending myself and separating myself from 'her' and it did help me to feel calmer, and I was able to listen to her worries, and also tell her that it's understandable that she would be worried about a medical condition, in view of the fact that noone had ever talked to her about her Grand-mother and indeed about any of the other stuff that was going on in the FOO - which was just basically extremely dysfunctional and horrible.

I think that latter process of 'talking to my worried self' has really helped me - and that's probably why I feel calmer today - I am grateful because I don't want to have a day like yesterday or the day before. 

This week leads up to the weekend, when Mother's Day is going to be celebrated in the UK - and I am not looking forward to that...  But I am going to celebrate it for myself, and the fact that I helped to mother the wounded parts of myself, and I can offer them what they need now I'm a functioning adult, and I can give them some empathy and love - so I'm going to try to turn it around.   

Hope 

[Hope67]

My partner told me that we were spooning, and he felt as if I was 'clamped to him like a limpet' and he needed to move, so he did.  That was his recollection of what happened - and when he moved, I apparently screamed out really loudly.

My experience of that was that in my sleep I was dreaming that I was lying in suspended animation in the sea or a large salty lake, with water lilies around me, and I was precariously balanced.  Then it was as if someone had stepped on one of the water lilies and it tipped me into the sea, and I felt at that moment as if I was definitely going to die and that I would just drown and be dead.  Hence I cried out (not realising that it was the movement of my partner that had disturbed my sleep and woken me), and I had apparently literally shouted out.

I didn't remember this - until he reminded me that I had screamed so loudly - then I recalled what had happened.

I just wanted to write about the dream, as I remembered it. 

Hope