my fur is burning

[rabbit]

I have a lifetime of trauma and I am completely wrecked. I have chased everyone away and am in complete isolation, in spite of years of therapy, on disability from events where I was raped and completely trapped under threat of death for several years. Varieties of abuses in childhood: physical from psychological, one parent lied to feed me to the rage and the psychological is more grievous than the physical. I told the truth! Sexual abuse from non-family at a very young age. It is complete chaos with no security. I am completely paranoid and I don't trust police, hospitals, therapists, doctors, lawyers, "family". I flip from rage, to compliance, to depression, always on high anxiety edge * poor sleep, nightmares, stay up for days, no meds work except MJ and I don't always have that and all disparage my choice of medication. I have broken every relationship I have had. So many others with this undiagnosed from their trauma and unwilling to admit to such a challenge. Everyone internalizes. It is a never ending nightmare, but I cannot attempt suicide, which I regret. My faith tells me there is an end to these deep troubles, but I am damned if I can figure it out. Yes, I am damned, a worthless piece of *&&^ deserving of my devastation? I think so. So I write my words to you, perhaps they will help? I have no idea. What else can I do? I still believe in God and that there is some Love out there for me. I am exhausted of waiting for it. Perhaps it is all my fault, some evil I perpetrated at 3 years old or something. I have always been the one blamed and that got internalized. Where is God's mercy? I have not the faintest idea. It has all been false delusions of happiness and joy. I have faith and hope and love but my trust of God is very thin now. I simply no longer trust this world. I am bleak. Hello, I'm rabbit and my fur is burning.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, rabbit. So sorry you are hurting like this. 

[Three Roses]

Rabbit, you are welcome here. It is a good place to be able to communicate how you really feel, without the pretenses polite society demands of us. A place, yes, to say "my fur is burning" and know that others will know what you mean, and how it feels.

As far as your medication of choice (mj), it is legal where I live and I take it daily for anxiety. It is the only way I can relax the "body armoring" common to cptsd. (https://aehuppert.wordpress.com/2012/04/24/ptsd-symptoms-body-armor-2/ )

I'm so sorry you are hurting but perhaps now you will not feel so bleak and lonely. I felt a great deal of relief when I discovered an entire community of people like myself here, when all I felt before was completely different than any other human! I'm hoping you will feel the same 

Thank you for joining

[rabbit]

Thanks for your welcomes. Body armor is exactly right, although I call it being constantly in threat detection mode. My happiness is my responsibility. I fail. I will keep trying, what else can be done? Try to help another seems best, but I am such a hypocrite. Oh bother, said Pooh.

[Wife#2]

Tossing you a blanket to roll in. If it doesn't put out that fire, at least it may help keep you warm when the fur is all gone.

I have never been where you are. That is more pain that any human should suffer. Those who, like Job's friends, suggest that this is God's will for your life are wrong. God would reach out to you, but knows your pain is too deep for you to see his hand. God does weep to see his children in pain. Right now, he's giving me a small pain in my heart, since that is all I can bear, to motivate me to write this post.

You have come to a place full of the very compassion you need, you seek, you require to move forward in your life. Real compassion. People who know that no 3 year old can make a life-long path decision. A three year old can barely hold up the right number of fingers to identify his/her own age!  People who have been there and never told the story of those dark days, but still try to encourage and support the rest of us with their wisdom and light. Others who have told some, but not all, and will share from their own experience. Supporting the REALITY that you did not cause this and that God has a different plan for the rest of your life.

I began posting because of the declaration that you 'would not do it'. I've been there - I wanted to, craved it, but finally turned away from it knowing it was not part of my life path.

Now, I feel God moving through me because He loves you. He never intended this to be your life. The free will of adults who have rejected God allowed this to happen to you. Not God, not you - the evil that lurks in the hearts of those who should have been there for you. God would give you rest, but he cannot make you accept it. He can create for you rest in this life. And peace! When Jesus stated, 'My peace I give to you. ,' I think he was looking at all those throughout time who suffered as you now suffer.

Lean on all of us here. Many of us are strong enough to bear the weight of another who hurts. With God's strength, I will be strong enough to cry with you, hurt with you, listen regardless of how angry or sad or whatever your words may need to be.

You have already shown sincere bravery. Though you have no reason to trust a single living soul - you reached out. Though you don't believe anyone is listening and REALLY wanting to hear your story - you posted. I can't think of a more concise definition of courage.

So, Rabbit, welcome to this one place. We hope you trust us enough to let us help. I can be full of mess sometimes, but when I feel God trying to work through me, and I do feel that sometimes, I know better than to hesitate to type what I believe I'm being told to type. God hears you. Even in your silence, he hears your pain. Rabbit, God loves you. He wants you to live and yet find relief from all that pain. Be angry at God, he can handle your anger, but please don't turn away from him. He has not forsaken you. He can't always get the free-willed, evil people to leave you alone long enough to be heard, but He is still there.

[Wife#2]

Rabbit, pain inflicted on others is senseless. You are not senseless, nor are you deficient in any way. You are a whole person who, though I don't know your story yet I know, has not been allowed to BE the whole person outside of yourself. This conflict is what makes you feel less than. You are not less than, you are just as you are able to be right now. The diagnosis of cPTSD (not all of us have formal diagnosis, myself included) is because we sustained abuse, neglect or other damage over too long a period of time to overcome the effects as they happened. Often because it started when we were too young to have any knowledge of HOW to overcome the effects. Now, we don't know how, but we are learning.

You were brave to step out this first time. Your fur may be burning, but you are not yet cooked. Fur grows back. Sometimes stronger, sometimes not. But, it can do nothing besides try to grow back. Just as you can grow also. You have chosen to keep breathing. You have chosen to keep attempting. Those choices are first steps. They are good first steps.

You can choose to live and you can choose to thrive. It won't be easy, it sure as * isn't fun, but it is worth doing. YOU are worth doing the work.

Again, I don't know your story yet. Whether you choose to share it is your choice. We will make every effort to welcome you and not judge you. We do ask that you help us by warning of triggers at the subject line or top of your post - only because many others here are also hurting and easily triggered.  It's just a nice way to warn folks, so they read your posts from a safe or self-protecting place. We hope you will find us to be welcoming and understanding and maybe even helpful to you on your journey back to your genuine self, in a healthy way.

[flookadelic]

Hello rabbit - Firstly, although I have never been in as much pain as you I certainly recognise the voice that tells you that you are damned and a worthless piece of @#~~** Finally, I worked it out, it wan't my voice but the "voice of CPTSD" and once I had made that division clear in my mind I could at least choose not to believe that voice.

I truly wish for happiness and healing and non-flammable fur for you, dear twinklefroot.