Hi there, I'm Youla

[Youla]

Hi there, so glad to have found this forum. I suffer from CPTSD stemming from childhood abuse and utter parental madness when I grew up. The last few years I have found my symptoms increasing, and at this moment my symptoms have a big flare up. I do have therapy but it's not helping much. Once every two weeks I talk one hour with my psychologist who is specialized in trauma,and alltough we do Have a good connection, I find that there is no real therapy going on, It's just blowing of steam once every two weeks.

Usually I am a relationship avoider, but every once in awhile I fall in love I try to build a relationship with someone. At this moment I am involved in an 'on and off'relationship that is not going well. I feel I am setting myself up for abuse, and feel very confused about my partners behaviour. I have massive EF, he triggers me constantly and can't seem to understand that he is hurting me, eventhoug I Tell and explain to him how "I work". He doesn't seem to have the ability to care or sympathise.

I often doubt myself, and my perception, which can make me vulnerable to abuse and gaslighting.

I feel a sense of danger when I am with him, and it is very hard to distinguish if it is my past that I project onto him, or that he suffers from a PD. It may be both. I tried to break up with him several times, but everytime he wins me back with promises and the most loving words. And then I start to doubt again about my perception. He seems so kind, and loving. But then again he can't take responsibility for his own actions, and tends to put all the blame on me. Being unfairly blamed is a huge trigger, as I grew up believing that all the abuse that was going on was somehow my own fault. Being blamed also feeds my innercritic who is allready out of control.

Sorry for rambling on, as you surely have noticed English is not my mother tongue, so apologies for my grammar mistakes.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Don't worry about spelling and grammar, this is just a place to get our thoughts out, talk, ask questions, etc. No one will correct you. 

(EF stands for emotional flashback.)

[rabbit]

Thank you, emotional flashbacks are so debilitating. I feel for you, Youla. At the least, at least we all feel, it is better than suppression and all those fake smiles. Let's smile for real, look at how strong God has made us. Steel Reserves. Bless.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Youla! 

I have the same problem with doubting myself and my perceptions, so I understand what you are saying.

I have massive EF, he triggers me constantly and can't seem to understand that he is hurting me, eventhoug I Tell and explain to him how "I work". He doesn't seem to have the ability to care or sympathise.

he can't take responsibility for his own actions, and tends to put all the blame on me.

I feel a sense of danger when I am with him

These signs are not good. What would you say to a sister or a good friend who described her partner this way?

[Youla]

Thanks Rabbit, Three roses and mourningdove for your warm welcome! Again very glad for the existence of a forum like this. Searched for it for many years, and finaly found a place where there's a ton of researches and people who understand. Thanks so much!

These signs are not good. What would you say to a sister or a good friend who described her partner this way?

Thanks mourningdove...i know. But what if my perception is so scewed that I can not see him clearly? Yes, he is not very emphatic, and yes he tends to put the blame on me, not nice, not constructive. But maybe he's just a person who doesnt know how to express his feelings , and has some very strong defense mechanisms?  Arghhhh, ( why do I keep excusing his behaviour?) no he tends to be very selffocussed with no sympathy or concern about my feelings. He may have narcisitic tendencies. I used to think he has aspergers, but I'm no psychologist.

But but but, I can blame him for my mysery, or I can look if there is something to learn here. What I suffer from most in this situation is that I start to percieve him as evil. And he may be selffish, he may have little emphaty, but he is not evil. So there is something else going on wich makes me feel like he is evil, and wich makes me very scared and in a way helpless. I believe I am partially out of reality when it comes to my view/feelings of him. To me this is important to research because I believe it happend in previuos relationsships also.

I feel like I must be able to handle otherones egotism or lack of empathy without taking it personal, or take full responsibility for the fact that someone is like that. At this moment I feel that I am the cause of his lack of empathy, and his egotism. That it is somehow my fault, that there is something I did that makes him withold empathy or bonding.

That's my biggest trigger...the feeling that it is all my fault and that i am playing out some script that prevents me to get close to someone. Am I repeating the trauma's of my youth?

To me it feels very important to figure that out, eventhough it is not good for my mental healt, i feel this urge to figure out how it works, how relationships work for me. I am searching for answers...

I feel that if I dont figure it out, I will never be able to have a loving and stable relationship with someone, and that is not something I am willing to sacrifice. My CPTSD has cost me so much, if it will cost me the abbilty to form a close and loving relationship, it will be a high price for my upbringing and all the crazyness that was going on when I was a child. I dont want trauma or CPTSD to take my abbility to be loved.

[flookadelic]

Hello Youla,

Reading through the excellent replies, it occurs to me that I have little to add.

But I know how frustrating and scary it can be to not be able to trust the brain. The lines are so blurred, is it me, is it illness, is it perception, is it the reality..? I just wanted to add this single consideration and I hope it helps; if not please feel free to dismiss it without a second thought. CPTSD and PTSD can be intimidating conditions to be around at times. Perhaps there are times, with the best will in the world, your partner doesn't know how to approach the illness, or is afraid to? Most people fear suffering, and that includes the suffering of others. It robs them of the right words to say, even though at times there are no right words to say. But people get very uncomfortable if they don't have the right words, even if it's an impossibility.

The situation is obviously making you question your perceptions, but not in the healthiest of ways. Perhaps some time apart to apply  some solutions, learn to give yourself the compassion and love you need? One ounce of love and support coming from you to you is worth a ton of it coming from elsewhere.

I wish you every happiness.