Black and White

[unknown93]

I have no idea where to start but here goes...

I have been battling Depression for 7 years on and off throughout my late teens. I am now 23. I was diagnosed with PTSD with severe depression and Anxiety.

When I was 16 years old I was sexually assaulted, beaten up black and blue and slashed on my face with a knife. (Cutting the story short because I didn't want to go into too much detail). The day after it happened I ended up standing on a bridge with a Suicide note written to my parents and there image flashed in my head.. So I walked away. I am now always thinking what if I didn't meet him that day, etc. It's tearing me up inside. I have lost all of self esteem and self confidence.. Always wanting to be different.. Thinking that people are staring, judging and not being happy how I look (loving yourself).

At 19 years old my mum was omitted to residential rehab because she's an alcoholic and had severe depression. She is in recovery now and has been for over 2 years now. I always thought it was my fault because I lost respect for everyone when I was assaulted and I can't trust anyone. At 18 years old I was in a domestic violence relationship with an ex boyfriend - I was physically, psychological and verbally abused for over 2 years.

I have now lost trust for everyone. I've got low self esteem, no self confidence and I have nightmares and flashbacks on a frequent basis.

I don't expect you to read everything because I know it's long but that's my story.

[Wife#2]

Unknown, of course we will read the whole thing. Do you mind if I send you a 'cyber hug'? I want to ask first, because I want to make clear that you are allowed to have boundaries, even online, to what you want around you and who you want that to be and how you want that interaction to happen.

I am so deeply sorry for the trauma and pain you have suffered. There are no words that can ever make that right. But, the YOU that that happened to, the essential YOU is still inside there. It's understandable if she's afraid to show herself anymore. But, she's still there, and capable of returning to health and freedom one day. We can honor her existence and your protection of her here.

You matter. You count. You deserve happiness and joy. You are worth the effort of reaching out to. You are worth listening to. I am so glad that you came here and had the courage to post. That took courage. Courage worth being proud of. We welcome you! There are many tools at the top of the screen under toolbar. There are many who have survived just as you have, who can understand your story. We are glad you came today.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, unknown! I'm glad you're here. (And, I read every word.  )

My own parents both had psychological problems including depression, which I have inherited. You and I also have other similarities in our backgrounds including assault, at about the same age.

I'm so sorry you went through such a horrible experience. I'm guessing you didn't have much support from your parents and I'm sorry for that, too. You really needed someone to be there for you, to hold you and tell you that it wasn't your fault, nothing was your fault, you were just an innocent girl who didn't deserve something so awful.

I'm so glad to see you and others joining here who are beginning to address these issues at a much earlier age than I did! There is so much that's known now about trauma, and the brain's ability to heal and recover, that wasn't known before.

So, welcome and thanks for joining, and being brave & telling your story! I feel honored to have been trusted with it.

[flookadelic]

Unknown, welcome.  Although the causes of our trauma are very different, I just wanted to say that trauma is a liar when it comes to what it has to say about us. My brain hates me and tells me this many, many times a day but I get by through not believing those thoughts. Of course, something else may be much more helpful for you, and that would be brilliant because you you deserve help, understanding, and love. The best of luck and I hope you find loads of good here. You'll certainly find loads of goodwill from those who have also gone through the * of it all, one way or another.

[Kizzie]

Hi Unknown and a warm welcome to OOTS     I am so sorry to hear of all that you have gone through, it's completely understandable that you are in pain and have no trust in anyone.  Here members have all gone through trauma and have similar feelings and issues to deal with.  I  hope that you will soon feel somewhat safe and supported, and perhaps even begin to feel a bit of trust that there are others who understand and will not hurt you.   

[bring em all in]

Unknown- yes, I read every word as well. Your post was short compared to some of mine

I know from your post how much you are hurting. I think it is a good sign that you are aware of what happened to you and how it has affected you. There's a line in the movie "The Neverending Story"- It has to hurt if it's to heal." Certainly not pleasant to experience, but as they say, "the way out is through." In Lou Reed's song "Magic and Loss" he sings that "you can savor the magic/That let you survive your own war." There is a strength in you that "let you survive your own war."

And that strength will guide you in your journey of healing. And for me, these forums are a part of that strength, especially when my own seems wavering and on the verge of flickering out.

We are here for each other.

[AlphaOmega]

Hello unknown,

Your story is raw and telling. You are a strong woman and a courageous one to tell your story. I understand the brutality of such violent acts. It happened to my mother, and as a child you're so helpless when you have to watch it. So the feeling of thinking that there is no hope strikingly arises without a sound. There is hope unknown. it lives in you. And you have already demonstrated that here. And those like myself are your reminder.