Active at last. *possible triggers*

[Whatsinaname]

Hi guys,

I've been reading posts on this forum since last summer and, before I type anything else, I must say THANK YOU. What you guys write here, and the way you write it, is amazing.

It took me a while to become an active member. Partly because I'm the 'suffer alone' type of gal but also because I tend to minimize my own pain when I read what some of you are going through right now (it's like I'm not allowed to complain or feel bad thanks to my 'lovely' inner critic).

To make a long story short(er) I'll spare you the details of my journey. The struggle, the pain and traumatic situations date back as far as I can remember.
Despite the traumatising situation at home (which got worse after my parents got divorced) and the sexual abuse when I was 13, I always kept it together. I was the perfect daughter, the lovely and polite little girl. I always took care of my mom, my dad and my brother.
Three years ago I crashed and I went off the (very) deep end. I had a depression, tried to commit suicide, suffered from severe insomnia, selfmedicated with prescription drugs and alcohol,... (I'm too ashamed to mention the rest)

After months and months of struggling and having no hope whatsoever of ever feeling less miserable, I found an amazing therapist. He was the first one to give a correct name to what I was going through. He was the first one to explain C-PTSD to me. Suddenly it all made sense.

I still have a long way to go and sometimes it feels like I'll never get there.
The reason I decided to post something today is the rough couple of weeks I had. Last Friday I crashed physically and mentally after weeks of extreme workload (partly so I wouldn't have to feel anything), almost no sleep and selfmedicating so that I could keep going.
When I went to see my therapist today, he wanted to discuss what had happened and I dissociated. Even though I know why I dissociate, why I work so much and why I push myself so far that I crash, I feel stuck and out of options.
I know that feeling will pass, but it feels pretty crappy right now.

(Oh, and English is not my native language so I apologise for any mistakes I typed.)

[sanmagic7]

thanks for posting, very glad you're here, what'sinaname.

your english is great - no need to apologize.  i live in mexico, but am american, so i can relate to wanting to get the language right.

here's a hug for you in the midst of feeling crappy.  i surely do know what that's like.  take care of yourself as best you can.  you're worth it.

and, as far as comparing, your trauma and pain are every bit as real as anyone else's.  there is no better or worse - it's all awful.  so, feel free to talk about whatever you like.  there's no judgment here.  hoping to hear more from you. 

[radical]

I'm very glad you have felt safe enough to join our conversations.  Happy to meet you, and looking forward to seeing and hearing more from you!  I hope you can become free of that painful shame along the way.  You are welcome here.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome! Thanks for joining.

[Dee]

Welcome!  I am pleased you joined and I think you have a lot to contribute.

[flookadelic]

Sometimes I think that we must be the best employees to have because our need for activity can be so acute. Sadly it does lead to burn outs which, on top of the trauma, is the last thing anyone needs. I hope you recover well, and find helpful information and solace here, your English is excellent, by the way.

[bring em all in]

Hello and welcome, whatsinaname! Yes, the inner critic loves to deceive us that what we experienced "wasn't that bad." Our bodies tell us differently, as you know. I was just diagnosed with C-PTSD after 24 years of therapy and treatment for anxiety and depression. I succeeded in telling myself my childhood "wasn't that bad" until I listed everything I could and then asked myself what I would say to someone else if they had made the list I made. That broke the inner critic's hold on that particular delusion.

Good luck in your recovery, and I look forward to reading more from you!

[Whatsinaname]

Thanks for the (much needed) love and support sanmagic7, radical, Three Roses, Dee, flookadelic and bring em all in! It's heartwarming!

You're right Flookadelic, we do make good employees. My employers are very pleased.
But when I last talked to my T and told him what my work schedule was going to be like after Winter Break, he got worried.
He explained that he was worried I'm at risk for exhaustion, burn out, depression,... Which got me worried too.
So I panicked and started to think about what I could leave out so that I won't get to that point.
I came up with nothing. Which got me even more worried, and so on. It's like a vicious cycle...  I don't want to get to the point of a burn out.

Bring em all in, I'm glad to hear you were able to do that. It must be very liberating.
My T tried to do that with me once to break to hold of my inner critic on that matter, but I dissociated (badly). I can look at some aspects of my life at once, but when I list to much of those at once it's way too overwhelming.
I hope I'll be able to make a list like that one day without the unpleasant side effects.

Thank you guys for the kind words!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Whatsinaname    If you've been reading here for a while then no doubt you know what a lot of us recommend  from our own experience with recovering from this disorder  .... baby steps.  Your Inner Critic may need some convincing to pipe down and that's OK, it takes the time it takes.

Sorry you have been having a tough time but glad you decided to post and talk about it - another step forward in recovery 

[Wife#2]

HUGS to you, whatsinaname. I can sincerely relate to the feeling of 'not so bad'. I even included that in my journal name!

You don't have to make a list to understand how deep this goes. You know in your heart that what you feel is right, fair, justified, whatever. Believing that vs knowing that can be the challenge. You are right to be glad you have such a good, thoughtful therapist. It sounds as if he's trying to make sure you feel safe taking care of yourself. THAT is wonderful!

Yes, taking that first step of posting can be scary. I hope your welcome made it worth the moment of fear before hitting 'post'. HUGS again - that was COURAGE, friend!

Welcome. While we all wish we didn't have need of this site, we are all extremely grateful that it exists. Now that you have joined our conversation, this site is just a little bit better - because you matter! Your heart, your thoughts, your feelings all matter! We're glad you are here.

[bring em all in]

Kizzie- you are so right when you wrote: "If you've been reading here for a while then no doubt you know what a lot of us recommend  from our own experience with recovering from this disorder  .... baby steps.  Your Inner Critic may need some convincing to pipe down and that's OK, it takes the time it takes."

My inner critic has accepted the reality of the trauma I experienced as a child- but that is all. It is firm in its resolve to hold onto the negative messages imbued in me from those experiences, and it seems impervious to reason. So, like you said, "one step at a time."

I wish the same for everyone else here!