Covert N "mother" just tried to hide what was in my food

[mourningdove]

There was a "family" meal, and I was sitting on the other side of the room quietly eating, when someone asked "mom" how she made one of the dishes. So she started by saying that she starts with butter, then she abruptly stopped talking and whispered something. See, she knows that I don't want to eat animal products.

So, after the shock wore off, I asked her if she had just said that there was butter in that particular dish. All she had to say for herself was, "Wow, your hearing really IS good." Then she started talking to someone else about some other topic.

So I finished eating some of the other food and then scraped the one with butter into the trash can.

i didn't want to make a scene about it at the time, but I just told her that I didn't understand why she felt the need to trick me into eating something that she knew I wouldn't want. i also told her that it was a really creepy thing to do.

She said that she didn't think that I'd want it if I had known. Well, yeah - that's the whole * point, you stupid * *. I wouldn't have touched it if I had known. Then she tried to minimize the wrongness of her actions by pointing out how I had recently eaten xmas cookies with milk and egg in them. I had indeed done that, and it was a big mistake for me. My face broke out badly. I had told her afterwards that that i was going back to my old diet.

So I told her that, yeah, I had done that, and it had been a mistake, but she does not get to decide what i do and do not eat. I told her that she has no boundaries and that she shouldn't lie.

She is such a scary person - the type who gets off whispering to people that I don't know what I am eating. It reminds me of how she gets off giving her grandchildren food that their parents have told her the children should not have. No boundaries. Weird control issues. Triangulation at all times.

i am allowed to change my mind about what i want in my diet. I am allowed to decide what I do and do not want. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.

[Three Roses]

Yes, you are in charge of what you eat, what things you want to keep out of your system, when you are hungry, etc. The fact that she doesn't acknowledge this speaks volumes of her disrespect for you and your views. You are right to be angry.

[mourningdove]

Thank you for witnessing this, Three Roses. 

[Dee]

I agree, it is a boundary violation.

[mourningdove]

Thanks, Dee.

[Cf]

Congratulations on stating your objection. That's something I respect and hope to do better at.

[Wife#2]

That is such a boundary violation. And, when confronted, she still took no ownership, instead turning it around to be about what you may have eaten a previous time.

I know that some of the foods I make have ingredients my DSS doesn't want. I do tell him what is in the foods, though. He's a human being, with the right to make those choices for himself. It may get frustrating trying to figure out WHAT to fix for dinner sometimes, his choices of foods is that limited. But, it is much better when I ask HIM what he might want for a side dish then for me to assume or force him to eat things he doesn't like by secreting those things into the food. I do that because I respect him, even if I don't always understand his choices.

You deserve the same consideration. I can say this on your behalf, though. If you know she does this, refuse to eat her food! Even if it means picking up fast food and eating it at the holiday table. If anyone tries to confront you for being rude, ask them if it's more rude to sneak ingredients into food that you know a guest doesn't want or can't ingest? Isn't that kind of the same as sneaking in peanut butter and allowing an allergic person to eat it, after they knew about the allergy?

I've heard it said somewhere else here (I'd quote or link if I could remember who) who said that the definition of a lady or gentleman is a person who makes the effort to ensure that all guests are comfortable. All guests. Including one's daughter! Your mother, my friend, is no lady. Not by that definition.

[mourningdove]

Congratulations on stating your objection. That's something I respect and hope to do better at.

Thanks, Cf. It's taken me a ton of work just to get to the point where I can do it with some feeling of solidity, as I've been raised from birth on gas-lighting and invalidation.

[mourningdove]

That is such a boundary violation. And, when confronted, she still took no ownership, instead turning it around to be about what you may have eaten a previous time...

Wife#2, thank you so much for your impassioned support. It really means a lot.