Unsure of this whole thing....

[Hanging by a thread]

I'm clearly new here...but I'm not new to CPTSD symptoms, or CPTSD controlling a lot of my life. When a friend mentioned today to look for online support groups, it felt like just another way someone was trying to push me off onto someone else...often times the trauma is too much and they don't know what to do. It's not their fault any more than it's my fault, but it sucks none-the-less.

So, I said I would look, and here I am. I'll admit I'm unsure of this whole thing. I've been trapped on paper my whole life, without people to talk to, so...how is this different? I'm still stuck on hypothetical paper, here, on this forum, without any of the people in my life by my side while I'm hurting. They do their best, but as I'm sure you all know, it's not easy to walk alongside someone with CPTSD. So, I just talk about my feelings here and get comfort because I'm "not alone?" I know I'm not the only one out there, but how is this supposed to help me feel less alone? I'm still sitting here, alone, crying, in my living room...how is typing on this forum supposed to change any of that? I'm thankful it seems to help so many of you, but am I wrong to just want a real-life, next-to-me-through-it-all, person in my life? I have amazing people in my life, I'm just tired to being "too much" because of what I've been through...It's exhausting. I'm done being the burden among my friends. I'm not mocking any of this, PLEASE do not hear that - I am thankful, truly thankful, you have all found something that helps you...just not sure what I'm doing here.

[Nad]

Hi and thanks for posting, I'm  new to this site as well and was trying to figure out how to jump in. Your post resonated with me and so this is probably a good place to start. I am also trying to figure out how this site can help me. My nature makes me doubt that it can but  I've decided I'm going to try anyway. I've spent my entire life feeling disconnected and alone and am now so ashamed of how empty my life is that it holds me back from really being able to reach out for what I really need which is connection with people. The crazy thing is that I have a husband and children and a very successful career that involves me in conversation and connection with people everyday but I still feel empty , alone and a misfit... always.  I wish I could change my personality to be more genuinely  friendly, less  judgemental and more open to people but I am always on guard, always hiding how bad I really feel. I'm fearful now that I will end up completely alone some day and my life will end without ever really having lived. So maybe this is my tribe....people that understand or have felt similar. I feel like I have nothing to loose by trying. Maybe you do too!

[Three Roses]

Welcome to you both, Hanging By A Thread and Nad! I'm glad you've joined us.

I am relatively new to this diagnosis, although I've been affected my entire life. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012, as my HMO does not recognize that simple PTSD and complex PTSD are different. They follow the DSM's view that CPTSD is just a different version of PTSD. At the time of my diagnosis I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing as CPTSD to be diagnosed with.

So after my diagnosis, other factors in my life being what they were, I never did anything with the knowledge, and was without therapy or treatment or anything until a few months ago. But in the meantime, I joined this site, looking just for information, and discovered CPTSD and a host of other things.

For the first time, I had answers to my questions about my behavior & emotions. My efforts to be understood by the average friend got me statements like, "just get over it, it's all in the past, you don't have to think about that anymore"... and other similar non-helpful comments. But here, I discovered people who, when I said I felt a certain way, said, "Oh, me too!" without judgment, without telling me to get over it, without saying how I should or could be different if I only tried this or that. Here, I can be unafraid to say what my symptoms are. Here, I discovered new terminology - what an emotional flashback is, what being triggered means, etc. - that helped me for the first time to put my reality into words, and have those words understood by others.

Here, I discovered books that were written about people like me - I've been reading self-help books for 30 years but never saw myself in them; I was always just a bit different than the people in those books, and although those books helped me some, and I could relate to their symptoms, too, I never found anything that really truly made me feel as though someone understood. When I first read a book on CPTSD the words jumped off the page, and for the first time I saw my own background and symptoms reflected in the pages containing their stories. I felt validated for the first time. It wasn't just me! Here was a whole community of people who "got it".

I learned about dissociation, that I did it, that others did it too, and that I didn't have to feel crazy when I talked about it. Or when I talked about all the other people I felt inside of me (our Inner Children). I learned about the 4F's - fight, flight, freeze and fawn - and how to better cope when I've been triggered. I got tools for my own recovery, a place to research and discover how I want to approach it.

And, when I fail, there are people here who will not reject me as being too this or too that - they just tell me to take a fresh look around, I'm not defined by what other people think of me, each day and each minute I can have a new beginning. They tell me they fail, too.

Yes, we are on virtual paper. No, you can't physically hug us. And yet I have grown to feel a camaraderie with the people here - to feel that I share in their struggles, that they share in mine, and that we all do care for each other - in an unconventional venue, to be sure, but I do deeply care for, and am cared for by, the people here.

I hope the both of you have the same experience here. Thanks for joining!

[Kizzie]

   Wow, Three Roses, you really hit the nail on the head with your post!

Welcome Hanging by a Thread and Nad       Glad you both took a chance and posted.  I hope you will find a sense of connection here and beyond that, some ideas/strategies that other people have used in their recovery that will help you.

[woodsgnome]

Hanging by a thread and Nad...you both echo my sentiments regarding the quirkiness of talking this out via electronic print. Not exactly ultra-personal; then again, for some of us it's better than trying to speak in the world-at-large, a world into which we can't seem to quite fit--very few shares the same intense sense of loneliness that is shared here.

I'm still petrified even by putting thoughts into this forum. Will they think I'm off-base? Weird? Out of it?...on and on. When I do plunge in, I still fear the judgements, but I've also experienced some relief at 'getting it out' of my system. For that reason alone it's turned out to be a worthwhile experience.

It helped to have no expectations--I've learned to be cautious. I truly had no idea of what this experience might be like. I don't even view many forum-type sites, let alone contribute to any. But this one seemed to pique my curiosity on two fronts... ...1)are there really others who've gone through this hellish existence and are still talking and willing to see what happened? and 2)will I have anything to contribute to anyone's existence, or even fit in when I've never fit into much of what passes for life before?

So I guess this might be one skeptic who has pushed the door open enough to realize that both of those questions have at least allowed some breathing room around my insecurities about life and people. Visiting here I've at least found a home ground from which to explore the challenge of making sense of the senseless whirl into darkness called cptsd.

[bring em all in]

Great post woodsgnome, and I love the animated emoji!

[Inky]

Oh man hanging by a thread, something about the way you wrote " trying to push me off onto someone else," resonated with me big time. I often felt dismissed, like my issues weren't worth anyone's time. I am hypersensitive to any whiff or suggestion that people can't deal with me, that I am a burden or causing problems.
Just wanted to share and thank you for posting. You helped me feel not so alone today and hopefully our shared experiences can help you .

[sanmagic7]

hanging by a thread and nad, so glad you took the chance, put a toe through that door, and posted here.  you're so very welcome - i'm glad to hear from you both.

you know, in real life, i belonged to many groups, mostly 12-step support groups for a variety of addictions, but other types of support groups as well.  i can say in all honesty, i never understood when people would say 'i'm so grateful for this group' or 'i finally feel like i'm home'.  i may have been working on the same addictions as them, was speaking with them face to face, gave and received actual hugs, but i never felt part of the group in the same way they were expressing. 

and, here i am, in a virtual, online support group, and i've never felt more like part of a group in my life.  now i can say it, and mean it, that i'm so grateful for this place, for these people - they have made me feel like i've found a home.  i've always been a people person, so it struck me as really weird that i can feel this way in this forum.  how it worked like that is beyond me.  i would've never have believed it if i hadn't experienced it, and i can't explain it, either.  it just happened.

no, hanging by a thread, it's not too much to ask for a real someone to be by your side, and i sincerely hope that you find that.  in the meantime, here are cyber hugs to both of you.   

[Three Roses]

and, here i am, in a virtual, online support group, and i've never felt more like part of a group in my life.  now i can say it, and mean it, that i'm so grateful for this place, for these people - they have made me feel like i've found a home.

[Kittysnotthere]

Reading this thread has been really helpful and as someone that just joined today too I want to welcome the new people as well. I have only been through a few of the topics but they are all hitting home so I would say check out some of the resources links.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kittysnothere, welcome.  so glad you joined us.  hoping to hear more from you.

[balovesyou]

feeling like a burden to those around us - I am battling that right now. i have been crying for days.  i don't want my only 2 people in my life right now to have to deal with such big issues. they already do so much for me and there is nothing i can do in return. i am so lost right now. haven't left my room in a week. have a major panic attack whenever i try to leave then make it even worse by beating myself up for being a wimp that can't go outside.

sorry, went on a rant. i was just tyingto let you know you are not alone even though it feels that way.

[Three Roses]

Dear balovesyou, by helping yourself you are also belong those close to you. You cannot pour from an empty vessel.

Wishing you all the best

[sanmagic7]

balovesyou,

we all have our down times, every single one of us.  no one is an exception to that.  i'm really glad you have helpful people in your life.  this may be your time to be down, but there will come a time when you are able to be there for them.  that will only happen, tho, if you take care of yourself, first.  i know it sounds like a cliche', but i've discovered it's really true.

i hope you can find the strength and energy to do what's best for you.  we don't want to lose you, and neither does anyone close to you.   i'm rooting for you.  best to you.  sending encouraging energy your way.

[ChordScience]

Hi there.
I guess you're supposed to use the forum as a tool to treat/vent your disorder.
In itself, there's no benefit to it since it has no inherent system; it's whatever we do with it.
you can use it to learn from others perspectives, you can ask questions, use it for social purposes, etc,
but the bottom line is, this is a mirror of where you are at with CPTSD, I think.
If you read a ton of posts and feel overwhelmed and frustrated and think "this isn't doing anything", it's because you might not be doing enough to work through your trauma. Maybe there's some denial that needs to be broken, maybe you need therapy/more therapy/a different therapy. Maybe you need meds. Maybe you need to escape the source of your trauma if at all possible, etc..
And then on the other hand, if you've taken control of your disorder, have broken down some personal mental barriers (denial, inner critic, etc), you might have a plan, you might have read about CPTSD, found a therapist, are actively working through the trauma, etc... in that case this forum might be great to workshop your therapy, for example, to feel the waters before starting a normal social activity IRL, to ask questions about details of your trauma (because God knows DENIAL runs strong in our disorder and the self criticism is rampant).
Anyway, I guess that was my little breakdown after reading many posts around here. Self-Preservation, Self-Information & A good healing strategy are fundamental things we all need to achieve (I include myself) before really unlocking the full potential of Out Of The Fog.
But that's just like, my opinion, man
✌️