Is this my mother?

[alliematt]

Yesterday my DH and I had a counseling session together. We see a counselor together once a month as a way to keep ourselves healthy.

I can't remember exactly how the subject came up, but I talked about how I feel like I have to "kowtow" to people, especially those who don't agree with me.

For some reason, an issue with my mother came up . . . and that opened up a big discussion.  DH and my counselor think she's been abusive, and I am not completely sure they're right . . . and yet, so many of my memories of her are of someone who yelled, lectured, and sniped about people.  Her major method of discipline was to yell and to lecture.  I don't recall getting any concrete consequences for misbehavior.

DH says that my mother has sniped about me behind my back to him.  On a visit to her house many years ago, I overheard at least one "snipe".  She told DH that I "fouled up the bathroom schedule". My sister was living with my mother at the time (she was recently divorced) and I didn't know she needed the shower at a particular time so she could get ready for work. No one told me. So why was it me that was accused of "fouling up the schedule" when I didn't even know what the schedule was?

Things finally came to a head several years ago when we bought a small notebook to record what we were spending on vacation. My mother asked what it was, Frank told her, and she exploded, saying that was "rude". I don't know if she thought we were keeping track of what SHE spent on us or not . . . but an argument followed, and as a result, my mother and husband didn't speak to each other for the next four years.

*I* am the one that has to initiate contact with my mother and sister. My sister will text me if something's going on with my mother, but that's about it. Since my mother's condition has deteriorated so much (she's in assisted living and she's declined mentally), she *can't* call me or really make contact with me, and I'm cutting her plenty of slack there. But for years, I was the one who called her, and the "reason" she gave was that she never knew when I was going to be in, and she didn't like talking to my answering machine. I said that to the counselor, and his reaction to her reasoning was, "Bull."

I'm trying to work out what, exactly, my relationship with my mother is . . . and I don't know if she's been abusive or not.

I've been told that I take criticism to heart, and I suspect that the combination of a very critical mother, dealing with bullies while growing up, being spiritually abused in college, AND having some bad roommate situations as a single woman have all made me very, very, very oversensitive to be criticize. I have a visceral, physical reaction to criticism because I'm expecting it to be harsh.

So, on top of having dealt with bullies and spiritual abuse, is it now true that my mother was abusive?

[Three Roses]

Sometimes the dysfunction of our childhoods has more to do with what didn't happen than what did. Kids don't just need food & shelter, they need to feel safe and loved, they need adults around them to enjoy spending time with them. They need to play and leave adult worries to the adults.

Abuse can be things that were withheld from you, too.

[alliematt]

You make some good points. 

I'm just thinking, now do I have THIS to deal with too?  I know my parents weren't perfect, and God knows I was not, but did I also deal with abuse at home, too?? 

[Wife#2]

Allie, like you said, we're not doctors or anything, but I'd like to make this suggestion to you. Perhaps you were set up by your childhood to be victimized through bullying and spiritual abuse.

What I mean is that you wouldn't be dealing with this, too, but finally getting to the root cause of it all.

I found a journal to be an excellent place to recover memories. Some of those have been pleasant, but many revealed gaping holes in the care my parents provided me. You may discover the same. I do think it is important to explore, if you think it's likely things happened. A vague sense of your childhood may, in itself, be a sign that there was abuse there. Children will gloss over past hurts in an attempt to make their fantasy of having good parents be true.

I love that you have such a supportive husband and that you are in 'maintenance' therapy to keep things moving in a healthy way! That is so awesome!

In short, yes, I do believe that you may have survived emotional abuse or neglect as a child and that this being unresolved has played out through your adult life. Only you will know what the true answer is. But, it does sound as if you have the tools in place to uncover, understand, heal and move forward past this discovery.

[rosiehillinhan]

Sometimes the dysfunction of our childhoods has more to do with what didn't happen than what did. Kids don't just need food & shelter, they need to feel safe and loved, they need adults around them to enjoy spending time with them. They need to play and leave adult worries to the adults.

Abuse can be things that were withheld from you, too.

This. I can absolutely relate. I had my basic needs met, I was clothed, fed, had a roof over my head, had schooling, etc.

The emotional needs weren't. I spent the majority of my childhood and even some of my adulthood feeling unloved and unwanted. I'm planning to make a post soon about my own story, but I can completely relate to feelings of emotional distance and neglect. It's always made me so sad and alone, but I never had the confidence to tell anyone about it.

[Blueberry]

Me, too. Most of my basic material needs were met. Clothing and shoes a little iffy, though money wasn't lacking. But feeling wanted, loved, protected, valued?? No. For years I felt so unhappy and alone in this. I have talked about it a lot and it's not really so painful anymore. YAY! Healing can happen.

[Healing Finally]

Hello alliematt  and others who have posted to your topic. 

This has been a tough one for me too, to consider I was abused by my Mother.  I always considered my Mom's love as "unconditional" until I became aware of my position in the family (scapegoat) due to my sister's uNPD.  All my needs were met, EXCEPT when it came to my sister; as her needs were more important.

Also, it's interesting how I rarely refer back to the days when my Mom slapped me in the face due to her quick temper, as I know she was appalled at this behavior and was able to change it at a later date.  Also her quick temper did produce some quips that would hurt me constantly over the years; I now understand how very immature my Mother was when I was a child.  It appears that I've given her some slack in my mind, but now I understand that I need to own it as abuse, and maybe you need to too 

I too was bullied as a child, and as an adult have been drawn to and stayed way to long in abusive relationships and work situations.  This doesn't happen unless one is somehow familiar and/or comfortable with this abuse (I was not able to defend myself.)

It sounds like you are right on target with your awareness of your sensitivity to criticism and how this could have happened.  Considering your mother's current state I would think that all you can do at this point is do what you can to make some peace with the past.

So good that you and your DH have a monthly meeting with a counselor, gosh I think everyone should do this!  My boyfriend and I are meeting with a counselor as well and it truly helps when there are issues that need to be brought up that I can't do on my own.

[Contessa]

Hi Alliematt,

This thread is very relatable to my experience in therapy.

I knew my family were the root cause for the severity of trauma, and why I became susceptible to suffering more. In an effort to address my trove of demons, and trying to focus only on them, T pinpointed and acknowledged the large part my family have played. It was no revelation, but confirmation.

Our families are supposed to be our rocks, and our teachers in the wider world. Not all are unfortunately.

I'm sorry that this is happening Alliematt. Its not a nice revelation but it seems like it needs consideration to gain peace, as Healing Finally says.

Thank you for this post. It seems like many of us have a common family theme.

[Healing Finally]

Our families are supposed to be our rocks, and our teachers in the wider world. Not all are unfortunately.

Yes Contessa!!  I was thinking this while writing my earlier post!  My family was my pillar of strength for so many years.  I now realize that my current imposed isolation is just another chapter of abuse; and it makes me very sad.  I am grieving the loss of the dream