TW - Guilt/Fear/Shame Re: Illness and Having Needs

Started by movementforthebetter, January 04, 2017, 01:18:31 PM

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movementforthebetter

I thought I'd share this here as I think others can identify with aspects of my experiences.

I tend to feel intense guilt whenever I get sick and need to take time off to look after myself. Up til last year I was the poster child for presenteeism. I even went to work once while having an adverse drug reaction that caused extreme nausea, because I didn't want to miss more work and be thought of badly. I know how rediculous that is now.

I am sick with the flu because my coworkers came in while sick and we share workstations. I have taken a day off and will take at least one more today, but it took me not sleeping well til 3am to decide that. I couldn't get into the Dr yesterday as so many are sick after the holidays, but I have an appointment today. I want to ask the Dr how long I should stay home and get a note for work. I suspect it may be the rest of the week. I work in a place where I come in contact with everyone from babies to the elderly, although it's possible to limit contact somewhat.

I am feeling guilty about putting my health (and the health of others) above my job obligations. I know I shouldn't but I do anyway. I fear what others will think, again knowing that I shouldn't, and that I can't know what others are thinking unless they tell me. I feel shame that I have done something wrong - didn't get the flu shot (neither did the coworkers).

A lot of these feelings stem from childhood situations I was too young to make sense of at the time. It must have been a major inconvenience for my M if I was sick - she'd have no child care. So she'd be upset if I was sick and not overly concerned about my health. I don't have clear memories of that, just the impression. Most of the time if I was sick I was left home alone. As I started to get better, I would experience intense anxiety about going back to school, and would say I was still sick, so I'd stay home an extra day or two. This probably wasn't a bad thing overall. But I didn't know what anxiety was, really, and was also afraid of my M, so we never talked about my feelings and I never learned how to process them. I didn't understand I was suffering mental illness and neither did anyone else.

As the years went on if I was particularly stressed I would get "sick". Usually a migrane or stomach ailment, and often if I hadn't completed a project, had a major event coming, or had been pushing too hard lately. Sometimes I exagerated my symptoms but I was always afraid of the root cause of my sickness - my feelings. This carried on through my 20s.

There was so much stigma around mental illness that I could never admit what was actually wrong deep down. In fact I didn't underatand what mental illness was until 15 years later. I was so afraid of my reality and M that couldn't face my problems. I didn't know that what I was feeling was a real condition in itself that required treatment.

So this burden of my past still weighs on me when I get sick. I fall into shame spirals and have to climb back up just to feel worthy of calling in sick to work. I don't exagerate ilness anymore - I go the other way now. I do take the odd mental health day, but the guilt  of that makes it almost worthless to do so.

It's not that I want to feel nothing arounf these issues. I just find it interesting that there are people who have no problems with calling in sick whatsoever, while I wade through a lifetime of murk each time. I do think my reactions have gotten less severe, but it's taken a lot of work to get to the point I'm at now. Still feel guilty but taking the time I need to get better.



bring em all in

Thanks for sharing your experience! I can relate to the shame/guilt/fear regarding illness and having needs, but I went the other direction- I often called out and missed time from work. It just felt too overwhelming to even get in the car. And I was afraid I'd get sick in front of my students (I was a teacher) and/or my principal would catch me at my less than best and judge me to be worthless at my job.

I can definitely relate to the feelings you expressed about when you do take time off. I'm glad that you have more knowledge of your conditions, and I wish you the best in continuing your journey to recovery from this point on.

radical

Hi MFTB,
I can relate.  Not so much to getting sick, but about having any needs.  It has turned me into a doormat because I don't know how to ask for, or receive help.  My mother shamed me for needing anything from her and the experience has stuck with me.  I fear being rejected for needing.

My mother was caring for my severely disabled sister who needed 24/7 care, so I developed an inbuilt guilt and feeling that I couldn't be another burden.  She never bonded with me and would be angry if i showed that I existed, but she was overstretched and probably (deep-down) felt guilty that she couldn't cope with another child.  so she got angry with me.

This causes me many problems  I wish I knew how to reach out and had the courage to assert that my needs are as important as anyone else's.  I know that asking for help and allowing others to help is an important part of letting people in and building trusting reciprocal relationships.

It is my resolution to grit my teeth as ask others for help, to even do so when i'm not in dire need, in order to get over this.

I hope you are feeling better, and I'm glad that you are taking the time you need.  I know it is frustrating trying to overcome a sense of guilt when you know it isn't appropriate.

Be kind to yourself and take good care of you.

Dee


I have done the same thing about calling in sick.  It isn't just guilt, but I think people will judge me and think that I am lying.  Now I no longer work, I can look back and think they probably would have been supper supportive and shocked if I called in.  I think it is about people pleasing, self-esteem and many other things related to our struggles.  I once broke a pelvic bone and I could not have made it to work if I crawled on all fours.  I was so worried about being perceived wrong that I went back a little too soon.  Not only did they have compassion, they could not understand why I came back when I couldn't get around yet.  I had to sit in my desk chair and going to the bathroom was a dilemma.  Eventually, I got a ride home and was told to take another couple days.  I don't have an answer but I suspect working through feelings of guilt and shame are a must.