covert N "mom" just told me that I "pick and choose" what I am capable of doing

[mourningdove]

I have to really struggle to do many things that other people take for granted, and she knows that, but I guess it makes her feel good to shame me anyway. And making herself feel better is the only thing that really matters.

Just last night, I woke up in the early am because I was screaming at her in a dream and the anger woke my body up.

[bring em all in]

I struggle to do everyday things myself. Best wishes sent your way as you try to fend off the shaming she inflicts on you. It's unfair how others tear us down to built themselves up.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're in that predicament, having to deal with your mother when she's so, shall we say, unhelpful?

I know that unless you've been thru this, it's really difficult to understand - yet you'd think she'd at least be able to make an effort to understand. 

[mourningdove]

I struggle to do everyday things myself. Best wishes sent your way as you try to fend off the shaming she inflicts on you. It's unfair how others tear us down to built themselves up.

Sorry that you are also struggling this way, BEAI. Thanks for the good wishes! 

I'm so sorry you're in that predicament, having to deal with your mother when she's so, shall we say, unhelpful?

I know that unless you've been thru this, it's really difficult to understand - yet you'd think she'd at least be able to make an effort to understand. 

Nah - I wouldn't think that. i know her too well by now. (But I know what you meant.) Thanks for being here for me, 3R! 

[radical]

It never really ends does it?

My mother has been abusive my whole life and still makes out that she is a sweet and innocent little old lady.  I find it so confusing.  Nowadays, I don't let her close enough to hurt me, because I get tempted and still long for a loving mother, but it always ends the same way.

Sorry you don't have the mother you always deserved

[mourningdove]

Thank you, radical. 

The lack of a nurturing, empathic mother is a "gift that keeps on giving," isn't it? Like, it's not bad enough that I didn't get that, but it also always made me feel at a deep level like I don't deserve nurturing and empathy from anyone.

My mother has been abusive my whole life and still makes out that she is a sweet and innocent little old lady.  I find it so confusing.  Nowadays, I don't let her close enough to hurt me, because I get tempted and still long for a loving mother, but it always ends the same way.

I relate to this 100%. Sorry that you are in the same boat.

You deserved so much better, too.

[Spirals]

Hi, Mourningdove 

I don't let my mother get close enough anymore to do this to me, but I have a friend that does micro-projections like this to me. It's either demoralizing or annoying. Especially from someone you trust.

Your mother has ulterior reasons to ignore mitigating factors that affect your functioning (wouldn't want to consider she may not be the perfect mother, after all!). She doesn't seem like a safe person to talk about your struggles with. That must have been a painful reminder for you, though

Plus, let's get real. Everybody "picks and chooses" what they are capable of to some extent. It's only PD parents  that shame their children for this natural human tendency. No human is perfect.

Shame and guilt are what incompetent motivators use to motivate people with. Tell her she needs to "pick and choose" better motivation tactics. Or you could tell her to "pick and choose" her way into being more nurturing. Ask her why she can't "pick" or "choose" only one verb to shame you with?   

That's probably kind of mean, but I've found that some people respect your boundaries after some pushback. I've had a field day with some of my own mother's guilt and shame attempts, hah hah. I guess mockery is my go-to defense mechanism when it comes these type of comments.

[mourningdove]

Thanks, Spirals.

You're right that it was a projection on her part. She is quite unconscious at all times. I make an effort not to talk to her about anything that is remotely important to me.

And I agree with you about pushback. The truth is that she was much much worse before I started consistently pushing back. And yeah, I use mockery quite a bit, too, because nothing gets her to back off more quickly that the fear that whatever she is doing might look bad to an outside observer (I.e. someone of real importance, as opposed to me).

[Spirals]

Your welcome 

Yeah, it is really frustrating that our mothers can't be more nurturing. I think the feeling that I don't matter has been hard to unlearn. It's depressing when it comes from a parent because they are pretty much the only people you are entitled to receive it from. So it's a hard void to move past.

The pushback helps a lot. I'm beginning to feel that it is a necessary assertive tactic in all relationships to keep them balanced. My biggest problem is that it is much harder to pushback when I'm depressed and then people walk all over me    It can be exhausting to have to continuously pushback on people. It's necessary but so draining, especially with a PD because they are trying to unbalance the relationship more than normal people do.

But you are important! Even if your mother doesn't make you feel that way