Difficulty with 'goodbyes' and other transitions.

[Hope66]

I've wanted to understand more about why I struggle so much with any form of 'Goodbye' - it can be represented in a film, or even an advert, and it will evoke an incredibly strong emotional tug - like it hits the very core of my being.  It's like I am so upset inside, and I find it hard not to show that. 

I've had embarrassing times regarding that, as I remember saying 'Goodbye' to a friend and her husband, and yet the husband was someone I hardly knew, but he happened to say something like 'Make sure Hope has some nice sweets/chocolates for her journey home" - and so maybe it was the 'caring' that he expressed that made me really emotional.  Like I felt that someone really cared - and that felt emotional.

I'd like to change my reactions to the 'goodbye' moments, as I feel like I don't have control on my emotions in those circumstances.  It's out of proportion to the situation, very often.  Thankfully I am able to control myself sufficiently to hide the excess emotion if I'm able to get away from the situation fairly quickly.

The other thing I hate is that when I write things, I feel like I can't express myself properly - it's like I am overly wordy, and I always had school reports that said 'Hope is trying too hard'.

Does anyone relate to either of these experiences and what has helped you to cope better? 

[Three Roses]

How I relate to this! I have such a hard time with goodbyes. My over-the-top reactions to saying goodbye have resulted in more than a few raised eyebrows.   But, I also go to the other extreme, in not saying goodbye at all and avoiding the situation completely.

I think the anticipation of saying goodbye kind of winds me up, so that I'm much more upset than I would be if i just sort of let things happen, and gave myself advance permission to feel what i feel, whatever it is. Honesty about how I am feeling, to the point of even saying aloud, "I'm very upset right now" seems to calm me and help me focus. But that's easier said than done.

Whenever I am having problems with language (spoken or written), I think of what Dr Van Der Kolk said in his book, "The Body Keeps The Score";

Broca's area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca's area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca's area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from - and can over lap with - the effects of physical lesions like strokes.

When I am having trouble with language, it is sometimes my first clue that I am triggered. I hope this helps, at least you know you're not the only one.

[Hope66]

Thank you so much Three Roses.  Your reply is SOOOO incredibly helpful - and I especially relate to the Broca's area reference from Van der Kolk's book (I still haven't started that book yet, I must get to it!!!).

I have been worrying about my ability with speech and language quite a bit recently, as whilst I'm usually on the ball with dates and names and stuff, I can have real 'word-finding difficulties' and lapses mentally - which I had been thinking might be down to dissociating.  Also, my left eye socket and forehead area of my head (left side) physically hurt when I'm under stress, and I did wonder if I was 'going to have a stroke' kind of feeling.

Tension as a child used to be held in my jaw as I often clenched my teeth really hard together, and my neck used to get tense too. 

As an adult I've noticed back pains, and also the left-sided head pain - near the eye. 

I am extremely reassured by what you've said in your reply - it is like a milestone 'learning' point for me - thank you so much.

I also have previously coped with 'Goodbyes' by 'disappearing' - as a child I was taken by my parents to different geographical locations and not allowed to keep contact with my friends (I realise they were 'running away' to get anonymity) but they didn't explain that to me.  Hence I feel able to 'switch off' and 'avoid Goodbyes'

I'm rushing my reply just now as I have to dash out, but I am so grateful to you.  :-)  You've really helped me today, and I thank you so much for sharing your experiences. 

I've had to say some 'Goodbyes' this week, and it's been very hard for me!  But I did stick with the process and I didn't avoid it - like I can do - and I feel proud of myself for that.  But I'm not sure if I can keep that up, but I do think it's a form of progress for me.  :-)

[bring em all in]

I can relate to so much of what you wrote- and by the way, I was an English teacher for 29 years and believe me, your writing is fine!

The headaches, jaw tension, the problems finding words, and mental lapses. I gave up writing a novel I was working on because the frustration with words became unbearable.

These, along with feeling overwhelmed by emotions, seem to be the result of unresolved feelings. From what I've read it can feel a bit worse as recovery begins- like when your foot falls asleep and wakes up to pins and needles. I've given up the struggle to control my tearfulness except when socially necessary.

I'm learning about a therapy called EFT-Tapping, which is supposed to release trauma and feelings stored in the body. Its proponents claim it helps with a wide variety of physical, emotional, and mental health conditions. My first session is next Monday. I'll post to the forums how it goes.

[Hope66]

Hi Bring Em All In,

Thanks so much for your reply and for telling me my English if fine - I appreciate that.  The strange thing for me is that whilst I write, I notice my inner critic keeps telling me it's not very good, it's too wordy, and so on, and yet often when I read back things I've written, I think to myself - 'It looks ok!  How did I manage to do that?' - as I'm staring back at my words as if someone else has written them.

But at the same time I often get feedback from others that I write 'too much' - and tend to go around the houses rather than keep to the point. 

I'm sorry to hear you gave up writing your book - maybe you'll take it up again at some point - I am sure it would be good if you'd just allow yourself to 'flow' - good luck if you do try to do more on it.

I'd also like to wish you the best with the therapy you're going to try next week - a friend of mine did show me how to do that - on an occasion when I had come out in a rash all over my body - and she thought I needed calming down, but sadly, it didn't help me - but I only tried it once - so I didn't really give it much of a chance! 

Good luck for your session - as I think it will be different to do it with a proper qualified therapist in a calming place.  I really hope it will be helpful for you.  :-)

[bring em all in]

Thank you Hope66!

I read that EFT sometimes has worked within minutes, and other times it takes a while. Nick Ortner, author of The Tapping Solution, suggests working with a specially trained EFT therapist if the reader suffers from deep trauma.

As for writing too much- that might matter in a business email/text, but here I think it's important to get where you want to go in your story no matter how you get there. I know sometimes when I'm finished writing on these forums I wound up somewhere I didn't know I was going, but I'm glad I got there!

Yes, the inner critic is vicious and constant. It wants to tell us, "Nothing to see here" and "You aren't good enough" and dozens of other limiting declarations. Pete Walker's book on CPTSD has a great chapter on the inner critic and how to deal with it.

[Kiana]

I know exactly where you're coming from.  And it wasn't just people.  I would have disproportionately weepy responses to saying goodbye to animals, or even a comforting room.  But I'm not there anymore.  Part of me wishes I was.  Part of me is relieved I'm not.  A few years ago I transitioned into feeling nothing for goodbyes, because I feel nothing for those who I would be saying goodbye to.  (I still have a soft spot for animals.)  After a few epic letdowns from family members who I tried to rely on for emotional support, (after getting out of a diabolical lyrics abusive relationship, I find I don't bond enough to feel anything.  I feel like they were my last hold out on hope.   So now I'm numb and feel nothing, and it's kind of scary.  I hope it's a phase.  I think while feeling disproportionately clingy is unhealthy and probably a sign of codependency, it's also an indicator you haven't lost hope.

[Hope66]

Hi BringEm All In,

Thanks for your reply, and you make a very good point that EFT is likely to be more helpful if done by an experienced therapist.  I really hope your session will be beneficial - and I feel sure you'll hopefully be able to stick with it and gain as much benefit as you can from it.  Good luck!  :-)

I have read both of Pete Walker's books, and the one about Complex PTSD - Surviving to Thriving I read three times last year, but you know - somehow my brain hasn't processed it properly - because you mention the chapter on inner critic and coping with that, and I think - No, I don't know how to do that!  I've blocked out all memory of that book somehow - I realise that's not the case, but I am amazed by how I can read something avidly, and then not take it in sufficiently.   I will persevere though, as I am working hard on trying to be more 'in the moment' in all my 'moments' - and I think I am making some progress.

Thank you again for your lovely reply.

Kiana - thank you so much for responding - I saw it's your first post, as I think the number 1 by your name suggests that.  I remember how long it took me to do my first 'posting' - it was AGES before I did.  I am happy that you responded - and your reply reminded me that I also have attachments to objects and places too - I can connect with what you're saying about feeling safe in a room, and not wanting to leave it. 

I don't know how long ago it was that you left your abusive relationship, and I can see you are wondering if you're going to come out of the phase of 'numbness' that you're feeling at the moment.  I hope that you will and that you will find something that is meaningful.  It's lovely that you connect to animals - I sometimes watch clips on u-tube or things people share on Facebook of animals and they are really uplifting for me. 

Thanks for your reply.  :-)

[rosiehillinhan]

I have a hard time with goodbyes, too. I hate the idea of anyone "leaving" me, no matter how irrational it may seem to the everyday person. For me, I think it's because my family, especially my mother, spent my pre-teen and early teenage years "leaving" me in various ways.

I've been trying to reassure myself that I'll see them again! It helps me to think of the next time I will see the that person.

I've read Van Der Kolk's book, Absolutely loved it and identified with it so much. The language issue is something I noticed, too. Not usually in my writing (I'm a writer), but in speech. I transpose words on occasion  - dishes and laundry for example, get switched.

[Hope66]

Hi Rosiehillinhan,

Thank you so much for your reply - I've only just come back to this thread today (more than a couple of months after I wrote in it last) and didn't realise you'd replied here - thank you so much.

I'm glad you've found the book by Van Der Kolk to be helpful too - I have read it now, and I also found it really good.

I am thinking that my difficulties are probably stemming from unresolved feelings of abandonment, so I do relate to what you said about your memories of being left by your mother in various ways.  I'm sorry that you had to experience that. 

I hope you're finding this forum to be as helpful as I am - such a friendly and supportive place.

Hope