A somewhat expected catch 22

[Contessa]

I wanted to ask if anybody else has experienced this.

I have just experienced extremely covert bullying at my workplace. It started with the bully triggering me with abuse before the bullying, then playing victim, and now a whole bunch of people are actively excluding me from things, and they are also scared of me. In a nutshell.

The change in behaviour has been quite obvious. I do not form definite conclusions from what's happening, because I don't know. I do observe behaviours, and they have been odd to say the least. Outside of this setting, behaviour with others is normal.

This is the annoying part. Because I have c-ptsd, I have been told that because of my traumas I am in a hypervigilent state, and therefore automatically jump to the worst possible scenario, and am seeing things as being worse than they are.

Now I don't doubt that as a real risk. But, because of my c-ptsd, those in the know think the bullying is not happening and I am coming to the conclusion of a worst case scenario because of my hypervigilence.

I know this bullying has absolutely happened, based off many, many observations, experiences and other oddities to do only with the people involved. It is frustrating that I am being told by people who have not been there, that I am seeing things that aren't happening.

Any similar experiences?

[radical]

I'm not clear, Contessa,  who has told you that you have not experienced bullying?
I'm sure if you have researched the subject, that DARVO and claiming the target is crazy is normal, even when the target has no previous history of mental illness or injury.
Is this your psychotherapist?

I'm sorry you are experiencing this.  Women reporting sexual abuse and domestic violence were once routinely dismissed in the same way.  Bullying is extremely hard to prove and causes hypervigilence.  It is still largely misunderstood or unknown, even among many professionals.

Finding support in these circumstances is very difficult as i know too well.  Despite the bully in my situation having been reported by others to have bullied them out of organisations and groups, she is still supported as the victim, by many and even those who recognise there is a problem tend to minimise the seriousness.

[Contessa]

Hey hey Radical

In essence yes, by a couple of people. I can definitely see where this can seem like over analysis and jumping to conclusions, particularly because I have been triggered by this. I have settled over the Christmas break, and have not changed my views with reflection.

The hostility toward me is consistent, wide spread, and observable by changes of behaviour that persist beyond 'just someone having an off day'.

I have researched the topics as you told me about them a couple of months ago. I do not have to search hard for any experience, or observed behaviour that match indicators of personality disorder/bullying... etc.

Right now I have had a great week of work focus, not thinking about all this... but I can now express what's happening with greater calm.

Yes, the seriousness is being minimised on my end, and signs do point to a concensus that I am the perpetrator of bullying.

In fact, i'm not sure if I commented on your post, but I did have a confrontational argument with my doc before christmas too.

[Contessa]

Sorry that was an abrupt answer before, I had a cute munchkin demanding my attention...

[radical]

How long before you can get out of this crazy-making nightmare, Contessa?

I heard a story from my sisters over Christmas about bullying in the education sector that would make your blood curdle. 

I wasn't feeling you were curt. I just  didn't know what i could say that might help.    They are people who have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills but I feel like I know the signs of people that are liable to.   I'd bet the house that you aren't one of them.  I think you will be more horrified once you are out of there and back to a more normally abnormal work situation, one that involves the usual ineptitude and rudeness, but not abuse.

[Contessa]

About ten months now. As long as I can keep this calm, i'll be right. The funny thing is, I don't want to talk or think about this, but when I do interact with professionals, they follow through with this topic as they should... then a discussion occurs about it, then I am told that I am not letting it go and I am playing victim... they're the ones driving me crazy at the moment! So I think it is a good time to cut back on the professional side of things because right now they are pulling my head back into it while i'm trying to focus on my work, haha.

Interestingly, I'm beginning to use this negativity as a positive; the silence from others is giving me time and motivation to really do the best job I can... While they are busy gossiping about me, or anyone else for that matter, i'll be using that time and energy on doing an amazing job with my project. I feel my old self coming back again, and it feels like 2010 again I'm finally starting to gain mental control again.

The damage is already done with the cause of all the drama, just so long as I don't get any more nasty surprises (fingers crossed), I can do what I need to with relative peace.

Oh good! Even if there was nothing to say, I was still writing very abruptly. The munchkin has taken to confiscating my tech now. Thank you for that vote of confidence, it really helps a lot. I do feel that, where necessary, some molehills needs to be treated before they become mountains, because ignoring them makes them into mountains. Its a habit I developed as part of my duty of care to the children I was responsible for in the classroom, because if I didn't, that was most certainly abuse by neglect. My weakness is that when they do become mountains I can't just say "Oh well, I tried!" and do find myself battling the mountain when everyone else has already walked away. I need to recognise that it is too big, and by attempting to battle it I take ownership of it,  and therefore supposedly all the responsibility for causing it (even when I haven't), along with it's growing bigger. I have to remember how to walk away. Find different hills with better vegetation

Radical, I've said it before, but the fact that you and others on this site actually allow me to 'speak' with reason, it takes the emotion out of the issue at hand and supports the factual clarity of it. I do not feel 'crazy' here. Being told what I am thinking and feeling by others is what drives me crazy because they are always wrong, it diverts from and consequently minimises the severity of what is actually happening. Only I know my feelings. I do not know what others are thinking or feeling either, which is what I have been told I am doing, and I most certainly do not do that. That has been the thing driving me crazy before Christmas, and with every trauma i've gone through. I do believe that I would not have c-ptsd now, nor would I have experienced my later traumas, had my requests for help with those original dirty molehills had not been ignored. By neglect, they turned into mountains. Actually a better analogy would be a deep cut becoming infected without anesthetic. And that, I suppose, is why I take on other mountains.

And now I'm mixing metaphors, ha! Time to end this rant and do my work
I am thankful for everybody on this forum, and am so glad to have found you.

[Spirals]

Hi, Contessa

I feel for you. This is an extremely stressful situation to be in.

I have been bullied at the workplace and even workplace mobbed. I'm glad you are channeling that negativity for your own benefit    I'm sure that is not what the bully was hoping for    You are handling it very well, in my opinion.

I really relate to your molehill vs. mountain analogy. I do the same thing! I also feel like this plays a role in the bullying. I personally feel the bully is threatened by either competence or someone who really sees (and tries to fix) problems rather than just giving up. If I see a mountain, I want to fix it. Not leave it for the next person.

But it tends to trigger toxic shame in some people, who then try to bully you out of the workplace to relieve these feelings. I also think some bullies are triggered by assertiveness and "see" someone who abused them in you, rather than realizing their own passive aggression is triggering escalating behavior from you.

Not sure if that makes sense, I don't want it to sound like victim-blaming. I think most are serial bullies, so they'd find (or make one up) a reason  to project their negative emotions into a target eventually, anyways.

Stay strong! And medium chill the whole workplace, lol! 

[Contessa]

Thank you Spirals, you clearly know how this works. It has been utterly distressing this whole thing and yes, i've already gone crazy because of it. But have somehow found peace finally.

That is a good perspective on the addressing mountains as playing into the bullying, and get what you mean by it.

Its not the first time i've received hostility in this setting. My efficient and assertive problem solving has been met with appreciation by those higher up... but strangely some of my equals seem to get resentful.

As a teacher, the expectations were much higher! Any less and i'd find myself in trouble.

I know what you're saying indeed. Are you well out of your situation Spirals? I just cannot leave this place in disgrace. I need to leave on my terms.

[Spirals]

Hi, Contessa

Your welcome!

I am out of the situation. But I haven't really gotten over it yet. I'm still in the licking my wounds phase. 

But I agree with leaving on your own terms is important to how you feel afterwards. I've left two bullying situations, the first was empowering. The second is embarrassing, even though it was worse than the first, so leaving was a good choice. I have a lot of negative feelings about people and the workplace because of it, though.

I'm not surprised you are receiving resentment from peers. The abusers in my family prefer incompetence because it makes it easy for them to shine or blame their mistakes on someone else. Or they undermine competence.

I think a lot of people prefer to blame another person for "making" them look bad and try to trip up or tear that person down, than put the energy into reflection and self-improvement. And tolerate the pain and frustration of self-improvement. So they get jealous instead.

I'm happy the higher ups are appreciative of your efforts, though. I think this is a really good sign!

I think a good manager does not want to lose an asset. You may even be able to leverage this to your advantage if you need to. The workplace seems to be very political (for better...or worse  ).

I'm glad you are feeling at peace with the situation. I feel it is even more important to be "centered" when you are dealing with abuse.

Stay strong!