Misdiagnosed with BPD - learning that is not uncommon

[voicelessagony2]

Hi,

(I just copied what I posted in the OOF forum here, since I just now found this one is more relevant.)

I was officially diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder a couple years ago, and up until this week, it seemed to be fairly accurate, although I found that I did not actually have much in common with most borderlines. After reading Pete Walker's book about Complex PTSD, my eyes have been opened. The descriptions in that book are so completely accurate it's scary.

I grew up severely neglected, emotionally and verbally abused, abandoned by biological father at age 3, and my mother was - I am convinced - mentally ill, possibly with CPTSD herself. At age 5 or 6 she married my step-father, who was not abusive, but refused to acknowledge my existence. We moved to the middle of nowhere, where we lived in isolation from any type of social community for 10 years. I had no siblings, no neighbors, and had difficulty making friends.

I was never sexually abused by family, but was molested at age 4, once, by a babysitter, and have been sexually assaulted 3 different times: at age 16, 18, and 35. I never told anyone until recently.

I'm 46 years old now, and if you met me you would probably assume, (as I know people tend to do this) that I grew up in a normal upper middle class environment. I present myself as an educated professional. I have a degree, and since there was nothing to do but read growing up, I have some book smarts and writing skills.

However, I feel like a complete failure and a fraud. I have been unable to hang onto any job for more than a year, most are less than that. So, I label myself a "consultant" to put a positive spin on things. It might work on my resume, but it doesn't work for me. Each and every time a job ends, it takes months - it's been almost a year this time - for me to pick myself up out of the pits of self-loathing and despair. My confidence is shattered, and it is getting worse instead of better as time goes.

I am so thankful that at least I know what the problem is, so now I can start working on the right type of therapy. DBT and CBT were not helpful.

You know what the worst part is? I can't talk about this to anybody. Nobody believes me when I tell them how I feel about myself. They see the exterior, and some career success, and think I am exaggerating, or that it's "just hormones."

My boyfriend, whom I live with, doesn't understand either. He keeps asking me why I don't just keep applying for jobs until I get one. I literally cannot bring myself to. It's really that bad, I don't feel like I have anything to offer anybody. I feel like a complete and total failure, and there is nothing anybody can show me or tell me that will convince me otherwise.

[Rain]

Welcome, voicelessagony2

You have a voice here.

Please do share on topics you are drawn to, and of course, start your own.   Any place is perfect to step on to the path to healing.   We will join you there, and look forward to your support in our healing as well.

[Kizzie]

Hi VA and welcome to OOTS     

I can relate to what you are going through as I too looked like I had it all together but inside felt llike a total imposter. It got so bad that I started to drink (never drank before although my F was an alcoholic) last fall, and eventually that got so bad I had to reach out for help this past spring.  I was not one to ever let the facade slip but things got worse and worse until I had to let it go. Personally I think I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired some part of me said "Enough is enough, we are going to get help no matter what!" And I did. And I was scared, scared, scared I will admit, afterall what would be left if I didn't have my personna?  Well, in a word - me     

So VA, I know as do many here what it's like and I applaud you for having the courage to reach out - kudos!  You are in a good, safe place to try out letting the mask slip a bit and see what's inside. A good place to start is to try and hear that Inner Critic and to question it: "Is that negative voice right, am I worthless?"  Like most of us you will probably begin to see that that voice is not yours, but that it is a relic or ghost from the past. 

As Rain and others have suggested, here your voice will be heard - at long last. 

[voicelessagony2]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes, it really means a lot to me. No matter how many different forums I join for various reasons, it never stops hurting when I post and nobody replies. I know that's silly, and I know it's not personal, but when it's super difficult to get to the point of reaching out, any little rejection seems multiplied.

I think I'll try my luck starting a new topic!

[Sandals]

   welcome. You have a voice. I hear you. I see you. You're not alone and all of you, including all of your messy emotions, are welcomed and valued.

Honoured to be with you on your journey.