Finding My Voice and Making Noise - Trigger SA

[FreedomIsSweet]

I left my emotionally and sexually abusive husband on July 18. In the time since I've been trying to find my voice and have found poetry to be incredibly healing for me. I performed this poem out loud (for the first time ever) at a poetry slam. I have always had stage fright and had to confront my fears in order to do so.

It feels so good to prioritize my voice. To read it and hear it.

Here goes:

Gulp, Glug, Smack.
November 14, 2016

Gulp. The gurgling grossness of my own self swallowing liquids disgusts me. Gulp. The deafening demonic noise escapes my belly, my throat, my mouth - makes my skin crawl, my spine seize, and my palms burn with self doubt.

Glug, glug, glug. Each glug of grape gurgles and cascades from the bottle, my second, of the day. Glug, glug, glug, still pouring and feeding the glass with my regret.

Smack, smack. Chewing and chewing and clenching on gum until my jaws ache, my teeth crack and the pressure behind my eyes build until they POP. Each inconsiderate smack escapes, and cracks, and spits....and...

Giggle. Don't do that! A noise has escaped without permission? Even a giggle which arises out of joy or silliness or love... gives me away for giggles are but signs of temporary insanity, and by its very definition, cannot be sustained.

SLAM. The door. Am I too loud? Were my giggles and glugs and gulps and smacks making my existence known? I hold my breath to ensure that not one more escapes, not one more noise. I shrink my body, wilt, curl inward...

STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. "Be small...be silent..." STOMP. STOMP. STOMP." Be small....be silent...don't breathe, don't be.... don't be anything. Take up no space. Don't utter a sound."

Click. Quick! Shut off the light. Turn over, sleep. Look like your sleeping. Don't breathe.

Thump thump thump. My heart beats, echoes, fills my ears with each deafening bang. Louder and louder my heart thumps and I can't stop it. Faster and faster, thump thump thump thump thump thump. I plead. Stop beating heart. Be small, be silent, don't be, don't be anything.

STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. It's coming. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. It's here.

Silence.
The dark silhouette fills the doorway and engulfs the room, until I am in total, deafening blackness. I pray that I am small enough, quiet enough, nothing enough, that I won't be seen... but I know all too well that my prayers will not stop my loud, stupid heart, from beating.... I wish they would.

Thump, thump, thump. The shadow shifts above me. It permeates my skin and penetrates my soul taking a piece of it with each painful shadowy thrust. My mind gasps for air but I don't make a sound....except that is for my loud, beating, stupid heart.

Thump...thump...thump....thump... Heartbeat transforming....from a whisper...to a breath...from breath to movement? Thump... Thump...thump... My arms and legs fueled now by pumping blood, body flooded with life jolts forward as if possessed by a ..SLAP.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. I rise, and the shadow shies as , light shoots through my toes, my mouth, my ears, my eyes...  Clanging, beating, thumping, light. SLAP! Weaker now the shadow shrieks and sinks away from the light, fighting with it's life...

Zip zip, quick. I pack. I march away and my heels click fast. Gears clank and the tires slide, away from that * I drive and drive / into the arms of my mother, I cry, and cry. Sobs and snorts and snots and screams and claps....

and then a giggle.... and a chortle...and a laugh. Haha if this insane then I will gladly proclaim it. Are my laughs to loud for you now! On  my feet I scream I AM FREE.  FREE to believe... to breathe to choose me.
I am not a worthless. I am not nothing. I will not be abused and confused. Not today. Not ever again.

Because the shadows of the world should know that they can't steal my light, they can't take  anything from me, not me, not my sisters, not my mother, and  that no MATTER how much you try to push me down and steal my voice, and pluck my pride, even when you think you've succeeded in reducing me to nothing....we will not, cannot be defeated especially not my loud, beating beautiful heart.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. I fill the room the house, the streets, the mountains and oceans, the sky. I am the brightest biggest loudest star in the * universe. And the shadow...and all his shadowy friends are but an insignificant dot.  I create symphonies with my gulps and giggles and glugs and smacks. I conduct orchestras with my thumps. I sing operas with my slaps. I am not stifled, shadowed, or silenced. I will be heard. I will stomp and yell. I will take up space. I will rise and rise.

No shadow of a man, not even my husband, will dull my light my voice my right to be ...myself.
Thanks to the thumping and thrashing, the beating and pumping of my big, loud, stupid, beautiful, heart.

[joyful]

This is beautiful FreedomIsSweet. I love the way you  portrayed and expressed those emotions and let them to the surface. I love the hopeful ending.

[TiredOfItAll]

I loved the way you described trying so hard to be insignificant! Wanting to disappear.  I felt the same way as a child. The feeling of your heart beating loud enough for everyone to hear.  I was moved by your description.  Good job!