My story. long text

[lizardguy]

I decided to write a summary of my story if anyone wants to read. I did not bother with keeping it short. Im still confused how I could be so broken by this, so that if someone decides to read through this perhaps theres a chance theyd understand things better then i do. Thank you

Im 26m, had a father who died when i was 12 and was a farmer. Parents split at 7 and I remember yelling in the house and feeling a pain about it (probably earliest memory Ive got). Me and my sister moved between their homes. I remember this pain about it all, being around father and I had alot of anxiety and I think I got attacks of it too. I sometimes felt very spacey and had to stand still for moments, which I wonder if it was dissociation or something. Even if I was above 7 I soiled and peed my pants a few times becouse I was afraid to go to the bathroom, like I didnt have permission or something - dont understand it and Im very ashamed about it, it makes me wonder if I was a little disabled in some ways which has become an obsession today and main reason to hate myself.

Father wanted me to help out at farm and I tried to be obedient to get approval. I have not one memory of him saying anything that made me happy but I remember him being angry at me. He never hit me but would yell or ignore me when angry, and at worst grab my shirt hard by my throat and yell at me. There are some bits of information that tells me a little more about how he was as a person. Mother said he wanted to have the biggest farm in the region and it was a very important goal, but once finally achieved meant nothing. I remember him telling me that  when finished people would stop their cars to stare - I joked about that later when it was completed but he got angry, to him it was very serious. Mother revealed she was forbidden to set foot on his ground, even to drive in and drop us off so she had to stop the car on the road outside (in traffic). One time me and sister wanted to show her something and she asked and got permission while father went into the house. A min later he comes out, furious and screams she must leave now, how could she forget shes not allowed to be there. One of the few times we would do something togheter, he wanted us to rent a movie but he wanted to decide- He picked Saving Private Ryan. Im pretty sure he was pd'ed and perhaps he just saw me as a thing to make him proud. He taught me to drive big tractors and I was able to work on the fields alone like that, which I admit was thrilling but also scared if I would lose control and crash.   

I could never be a perfect child, I was very anxious and had poor self esteem (caused by environment?) but I also have dyscalculia which leads to adhd symptoms. I had a hard time remembering information and was impulsive. I remember he asked me math problems and I couldnt answer, hating myself. I have a memory thats vague of him imitating an autistic child hed seen, ridiculing him which made me very anxious about my own problems. Seeing Elton John on tv he talked about how he was gay and crazy, "gays deserve to die". He died in an accident on the farm one day.

The following years I thought mother acted strange to me. She insisted on helping me shower to prevent schampoo from getting in my eyes, and Id started to feel more private about myself and remember once covering up my private regions, which made her rage and accuse me of making her feel bad. Once when skiing togheter and learning snowboarding I saw the girl in class I liked and decided to go a bit faster and longer to impress her. When done mother was angry, "did you do that just for that girl? Did you?" I had a strong feeling I was not allowed to be intrested in girls. When sexual ed started it made me extremely anxious, almost near vomiting for some reason. In the family we had a habit of giving massages to eachother, and one time I remember feeling mother massaged me in a sexualised way- I told her to just massage on the back but once again she began touching elsewhere. I never allowed being massage again and became paranoid she was sexually intrested in me. It became hard to talk with her, even being in the same room as her, and she began ignoring me aswell. One time when sitting in a bathrobe I distinctly recall her clearly staring between my legs under the table- there could be no mistake she looked elsewhere.

In my teens I became more depressed and got problems with social anxiety and feeling inferior. I started to get physical problems like ibs, irritated eye moucus tissue, weird rashes and being tired all the time. It was so hard for me to be disciplined and determined about anything. I started to notice Id lagged behind my peers probably becouse of how scared I was for the new experiences everybody else seemed to have. My sister struggled with anorexia which was painful to see though I was pretty cut off from things anyway. 

I liked music and art but could never have any discipline to get better at it effectively, but I decided foolishly to study music. At those years I learned barely anything becouse my head started becoming so foggy and in hindsight it seemed my emotional maturity deterioated until felt utterly pathetic and totally incapable and dealing with anything life. I think I started to develop alot of avoidant pd traits. Ive also wondered if Im a little on the spectrum, if not enough to be diagnosed then still enough to feel far younger and less capable than my peers. I developed bulimia. When I lived away 1 year at 20 to study art my depression intensified and I had a few moments of audial and visual hallucinations when trying to sleep (single flash of light and angry voices). I started to make suicide plans but never got on to it, went home to mothers apartment and have lived there since crippled by depression. Ive had a few hallucinations again during these years, always when falling sleep (once woke up by "hearing" mothers angry voice though). The hallucinations have always been when Ive been intensily in emotional pain, never otherwise and its now been a long time since it happened.

I think I was/am personality disordered- no identity or personality, probably avoidant but Ive also had grandiose fantasys too, like someone with traits of narcissism/bpd. Ive been self harming. Becouse of how desperate I was for a sense of identity I started imitating different idols I had in periods. Its very embaressing to write this but I hope it can be understood. For a long time Michael Jackson was the main inspiration I tried to model my behaviour somewhat after (I was convinced after looking into things that he was innocent). I think with my own feelings of being so immature togheter with thinking there were a few similarities in our storys of abuse, I felt somehow connected to my own view of who he was. This led to me embaressing myself alot which today cause me extreme amounts of shame. I just had little ability to judge how I seemed to others. I thought that if I had this eccentric persona of being childlike Id be accepted and liked despite being so incapable of dealing with the life of being an adult. Some seemed to like me that way, somehow.

I tried regular talk-therapy, but I quit not long after I had a (now confirmed by others here) abusive untrained therapist. Ive done part-time work now and then, taking art classes to try to get out of my room some. During winter I started to feel convinced I had no future and fell into despair. I took up drinking to relax from the anxiety which spiraled out of control until I decided to quit late summer, feeling more hopeful. Again Ive had suicidal thoughts now every day and I feel cut off from life, indifferent. My brain fog has at times been so bad it became hard to speak, I felt I just cant think, no memory of my yesterdays, balance issues, visual snow, twitches, shaky muscles. Im not really bulimic anymore. Mother goes between being a bit warm to me and seeming to hate me. Not long ago she said how I made her cry as a kid becouse I could never remember anything, aswell as I should never question her as a parent becouse she is educated to work with children. I try to stop analyse people but I think she has traits of bpd.

I feel broken as a person. Ive never succeded with anything, no friends, never had a gf/intimacy and prob couldnt. I obsess about my intelligence and that Im too dumb to find happyness, achieve anything, even live independently. I dont trust any opinion I have, cant have opinions on politics, movies, anything. I question anything I think and feel unreal. I feel just empty. Somehow I cant stop reading into the uglyness about humanity: the regular occurence of regular people shouting "jump" to suicide attempters, parents who confess not being able to love their kids becouse of issues with them, like adhd etc, and I realise how harsch and cold the world is, that you can be born with a mind/problem that doom you to be unloved. Like I probably was becouse of dyscalculia/adhd. I honestly think I hate the world and dont care much for people and humanity, except my instincts to be somewhat polite remain. I dont believe company and relationships can ever feel worthwhile to me, and I wonder if I ever came to such a position, would I be tempted to be abusive becouse of my hate? Does this mean Im truly broken beyond repair, feeling everything is so empty and worthless?

Its impossible to imagine finding any worthwhile normalcy after being in this dark place. Suicidal thoughts are increasing and I cant imagine anything changing this.

[mourningdove]

Lizardguy, I read the whole story, and I do not think that you are broken beyond repair. You seem like a kind and sensitive person (a really good thing, imo), and you really have been through a lot. The anger that you feel is normal, and doesn't make you a bad person. Hating the uglier sides of humanity doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you; it means that there is something RIGHT with you.

I'm sorry that you have had such a tough life so far, and that everything is feeling so hopeless and dark right now. I hope that there is some way for you to hold on, because you deserve to live.

[lizardguy]

Thanks for reading. I regret posting already. Do you think my problems are in line with the abuse? I always think no one can respect me ever since my abuse werent very severe. No therapist ive had seem to have taken me seriously. It doesnt get better that i talk and look like a very meek guy. No man have ever talked to me as a fellow man, im always treated differently even by far younger guys. Im very sick of being called kind and sensitive becouse i dont think my personality is very healthy and likable. It makes people run over me. This drives me crazy, being me is a prison.

[Three Roses]

I would echo what mourningdove has said (I read all of your post, I didn't think it was too long ) - I also don't think you are broken beyond repair.

If I may say so, I hope this doesn't hurt or upset you, but it does seem to me your mother definitely did not respect any sexual boundaries that are normally in place between a mother and her son. Sexual abuse is defined as an adult using a child for feelings of sexual gratification and it certainly seems there was at least a bit of that in your childhood. I can't imagine any professional, experienced and competent therapist dismissing or minimizing this for you.

I am glad you felt secure enough here to tell us your story! I'm familiar with the feeling of regret after a post but honestly there is no need. You are just as worthy as anyone to tell your story and be heard and validated.

There are many exciting new findings about the brain, including its ability to heal and regenerate - something previously not known in the medical field. Do a little research on neuroplasticity and you'll find some very encouraging info!

Thanks again for sharing. It really helps the rest of us. Your bravery is admirable.

[mourningdove]

Lizardguy,

I absolutely do think that your problems are in line with what happened to you. People don't get the kind of problems we have (C-PTSD-type problems) for no reason.

And I know from reading many posts here on OOTS that it is super common for people to feel like what they went through wasn't "bad enough," regardless of what they actually went through. If you have had therapists reinforcing that line of thinking, then they were not good therapists.

I'm sorry that "kind and sensitive" was the wrong thing for me to say. The last thing I meant to do was make you feel worse.

[lizardguy]

Thank you two for validating my past! I dont know how well I can trust you but Ill try. Ive heard all about minimizing the past problems but Ive always been tempted to exaggerate it instead. Im just so worried I was just always oversensitive, which makes me feel even more pathetic, and that my problems and failures are just who I am, not really caused by serious abuse. I always struggle with this, and maybe my last bit of self esteem hangs on that this was caused my childhood trauma and I couldve been atleast a pretty normal person if not for it..

Mourningdove, Im sorry for my response to your compliment! You were being very kind but my mind started to race with self hatred. When I get a good compliment it reminds me of something very bad. Ive already managed to make a fool of myself after a few posts on the site. Im not in a good state to reply and make sense right now.

[Three Roses]

I don't think you've made a fool of yourself at all.

[mourningdove]

You didn't make a fool out of yourself, lizardguy. I thought that everything you wrote was perfectly understandable. You are doing fine.

I have always had similar doubts about my own experiences, because I am very sensitive, and was called "oversensitive" by my parents throughout my childhood. (This is another very common theme in many people's posts here.) There is no such thing as "oversensitive." Some people are more sensitive than others. There is no right or wrong involved in that; it's just a matter of natural diversity.

Trauma is defined by its effects and not by its causes, so what matters most is how your difficult experiences have affected you.

[Rebel62]

I think it's very common to doubt that what you experienced was bad enough. I find myself trying to convince myself that it "wasn't that bad" in order to convince myself that I really don't need to get back onto my past with my therapist. I feel strange posting sometimes because I feel like I don't quite fit in and I have deleted more posts than I have submitted because of that.

I highly encourage you to try a different therapist. There are very good therapists out there that do wonderful work. If there is a local Mental Health Association in your area, try them. They are often community based organizations that are low fee or free and have some really great people working there that can help you find the right therapist to work with and have some really great programs themselves. (We have a great one in my area).

In the meantime, there are a lot of resources available from this site. Look through everything, ask questions here and please do not give up.  Continue to post, your posts are just fine. Let your voice be heard.

[mourningdove]

The "bad seed" is a myth. It means a child that is born evil. Anyone who treats their child like that is an abuser. (Believe me, I know.) And the parents who talk about not being able to love their attention-challenged kids are messed up people themselves, imo.

It's impossible for anyone here to say what's going on with the hallucinations. Anyone can hallucinate under stressful enough conditions, though. That's why it is common in prison isolation units. It doesn't mean that the prisoners are necessarily "mentally ill"; it means they are under enormous stress. I'm telling you this so that you don't jump to conclusions about it.

i have had many horrible experiences with therapists, and I can only recommend trying to find one who is knowledgeable about C-PTSD. I had to go through three trauma therapists before I found one like that, so it's not always easy. But there may be one out there who would be helpful to you.

Most importantly: You are worthy of care and respect.

[Three Roses]

I've been in a bad fog lately, too. I'm sorry to hear you're in the same boat. 

We deserve to live and love and heal. Just because - we don't need any other reason. If everyone deserves it then so do you!

A therapist would really be able to give you some practical suggestions to help you feel better. I hope you can get some relief soon. Hang in there, we care. 

[lizardguy]

I keep deleting my posts becouse when I read them again I think they sound crazy. I cant stop thinking my thoughts are very unusual, that Im crazy and doomed to fail. This mental pain makes me go a bit crazy with trying to escape it Im sure. I have no idea what to do to fix this.

[mourningdove]

Hi lizardguy,

I hope that you do whatever you need to do to feel safe, but please know that you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't written anything "crazy." In fact, everything that you have been describing makes perfect sense for someone who has been traumatized - even thinking that your posts are crazy and deleting them.

I'm sorry that you are hurting.

[Wife#2]

lizardguy - Keep posting. I've deleted many myself, I understand the hesitation. Sometimes, I just need to write something, but I am not ready to share it - even with this caring community. Those times, I type it in a folder on my computer that is password locked. Even that can help me get the poison out. When I'm ready to share, I do. And I'm always honored by this community and the caring everyone shows to everyone else.

Even without a therapist (though I do hope you can find a QUALITY one some day, hopefully soon), you can begin to let out the poison and begin some of your own healing.

As to the 'not that bad', I completely get that. My story is tame compared to yours. But, and this is the important part, it makes my story no less valid to me. YOUR pain is real. YOUR sense of being wronged is real. IT's valid - simply because it exists! You have a right to keep breathing. You have a right to keep moving. You have a right to be valued as a human being on this planet. THAT IS A RIGHT. NOT a privilege that must be earned.

I read the entire post, and all the answers so far. I can feel the pain flowing through your story. I also believe it is going to be a challenge to begin your journey to wellness while still actually and literally trapped at your mother's apartment. Your computer (or phone, however you connect to the internet) may be the only privacy and 'travel' you get for a while. The great news is that there are many resources available to help you.

None of us can help with anything like a diagnosis. What you've suffered through, in childhood and now, would affect anyone deeply. It sounds as if your sister is also suffering as a result of your childhoods together. However, you are here. You are reaching out - which is a feat of bravery! YOU are the one we are concerned about right now - because YOU matter! I only mention your sister because it seems to validate that the experience you had is real, was real, was abusive, is still abusive.

May I give you one encouragement? No matter how crazy it sounds to you, inside your head, likely there is someone on this forum who has said/felt/done the same things and would completely understand. How many of us ended up in therapy because we thought we were losing our minds? It's like the cliché, if you're asking if you're crazy, you're probably not. A crazy person usually is sure they're fine, it's the rest of the world that's nuts. The fact that you reached out at all is beautiful. And, yes, I mean beautiful. Please, take to heart our encouragements. Hear us when we call you brave. Know we are sincere when we say that YOU matter, YOU count, YOU deserve a life where happiness is possible.

You don't need to add visible signs, the suffering you've survived is real. It's enough. We understand it. Many of us have survived similar situations. There is no competition here. There is no 'My wound is bigger, so I'm more deserving.' We all honor each other as the survivors we are. We hope you will join us as a fellow survivor. We would like to join you on your journey, if you'll allow us.

[sanmagic7]

hey, lizardguy,

i read everything, and i found nothing crazy about any of it.  i agree with everyone's responses, especially that you're worth being here.  it was the craziness around you that makes you think otherwise.

we work so hard to survive what has come our way, then, often, we can hardly bear the survival.  it's so messed up.  but that's at the crux of all of it - IT'S so messed up and by default, we have become messed up, not knowing what's right/wrong with us, not knowing which way is up or down, trying to retain our sanity in the midst of the madness surrounding us.  we become entangled in a ball of false information that was given to us by others who were older and who we trusted to do what's best for us.   

and that's why, to my mind, it becomes so difficult to trust ourselves.  our small child voices were overridden by the loud powerful voices of the adults around us.  our own voices got drowned out, and we kept our heads above water as best we could in order to survive, using child logic in the hopes of making sense of adult logic.  no wonder we often feel like we can do nothing right, like we're going to fail at everything we do!   

i echo the sentiments of everyone else here, that you are worth the time and effort to detangle from all you've been through in order to rediscover the real you.  someone who is brave enough to allow his vulnerability to show is a very strong person, indeed.  i hope you keep posting.  personally, and i hope you don't take this the wrong way, i think you're an interesting guy.   i hope to hear more from you.  big hug to you.