Approaching therapy from strength...

[woodsgnome]

I sometimes tend to view each therapy session as a means to shed some negative things that have happened recently and/or are ongoing. While I have an extremely compassionate and wise therapist, sometimes it's as if I come to regard her opinion as superior to my own. This sort of thing might indeed be helpful at first, but once in place it can be hard to knock the therapists's pedestal over, or at least reduce its height.

Almost always my current T skillfully deflects this notion but that can still linger, enhancing this notion of making the therapist into a mechanic who will fix what's wrong for me. As noted, I'm lucky in that she herself resists that and points out my tendency to do that. Before, though, I'd had quite a few T's that, almost absentmindedly, took on the role of problem-solver and advice-giver, confusing the exchange process with the I-know-what's-best-for-you approach. This sort of thing can do just that, and often does to the point of creating reliance on the process dynamics that then come to define the relationship and reinforce the notion that the therapist is apart from the process and therapy becomes a top-down sort of business/medical transaction.

It's not so much about finding a way around this, perhaps, as it is tamping expectations that the 'other' has all the answers. That's tempting, and it involves some careful self-observation skills to navigate through to the crux of therapy--enhancing relief from the inside out. That usually does involve time, as the client's first cry is often a desperate plea for help. Eventually, though, one hopes that one's own power and trust can be boosted to the point of appreciating their own capacity to incorporate the T's insights, then grow from that.

This is far trickier than it seems. I'm currently in a situation where one of my 'strengths' seems to not be working. The temptation is to throw what's not working for her to figure out, as the pedestal is still partially up. I'm amazed at how patiently she brings me back to consider some things she might observe, but nudges me back to consider my own strengths as well in working with the current difficulty. Often she sees my strengths before I do, and that's okay; the kicker comes when I resist, want to give up trying, and let all the old baggage of 'not good enough; stupid; incapable, etc.' re-emerge and threaten to overwhelm.

Therapy, at least if one sincerely desires better outcomes that matter in one's own life, becomes a full-time job. While that's depressing--taking on an increased stress load on top of the rest--I find that if I don't regard it that way the hope for meaningful improvement turns to mud.

I have a favourite song with this line in it: "so dancers, join hands in the two-way waltz, but take all the steps on your own." In a therapeutic relationship, it seems very apropos--two are needed, but the dance only starts and sustains itself with those individual steps.   

[radical]

As you know this is pretty pertinent to my own situation.

Previous abuse in therapy, as well as my own difficulty with trust meant that I was always very wary, and less likely to put my therapist on a pedestal.  I certainly came to rely on her knowledge and judgement and to trust more and more.  I found it really useful to try her suggestions, especially where they ran contrary to my knee-jerk reactions and see how things went, which meant my repertoire grew and I felt I became more flexible and able to respond rather than react.

But, as with every relationship, I lost myself in it.  My appeasing self is a kind of dissociation, subtle and complicated, and  not under my conscious control.  I don't think it is obvious.  It is only now becoming clearer to me.

I think it can be useful, as part of therapy itself, to talk about our experience of therapy here.   Like you, I don't believe a top-down approach is best, despite the paradox of turning to another for their expertise and advice and the lack of reciprocality. It's such a weird relationship, but I feel depth therapy is person to person, one person opening up to another equal person.  Anything else kind of defeats itself because it denies reality and is infantalising.  Many therapists have their own therapist to work on their own issues, because there is something liberating about having space for ourselves to explore in confidence and trust.  Old patterns inevitably arise and it is helpful to be able to look at them together without the other's issues becoming so entangled with them, that neither party can see the forest for the trees. 

It seems to me that healing the consequences of interpersonal betrayal, (imo the root of cPTSD), is learning to trust another and through their faith and trust in us, ourselves.  This is where your mechanic analogy comes in, because it's not really about being "fixed" and I don't feel that is how it works, when it does.  There is no whole person putting together the pieces of a broken person, but two imperfect, fragile human beings building a relationship.  Nothing else is real, or makes sense, and I don't believe anything else would be truly healing because outside the office we apply that faith and trust to our imperfect lives and build relationships with other imperfect people in a multitude of imperfect situations.

Obviously a therapist needs stability, personal qualities, skills etc. but mostly in order for that process and relationship to safely unfold.  I can't think of any analogy, because i see it as being much more about opening up and being able to let down barriers, and both people seeing what is behind them, than about learning new skills and fixing what is broken, because it is the relationship that enables everything else.

I don't know if this is making any sense at all, in regard to your post, woodsgnome