Eye Contact

[BigGreenSee123]

Oh my goodness - yes! Such a bittersweet relief to hear that so many others struggle with the same thing that I've been trying to work on for years.

Generally speaking, I'm not great with eye contact. Sometimes it's okay, sometimes it stresses me out a bit, and sometimes I am super-tense trying to figure out how long I should make eye contact to be socially appropriate but also not creepy.

With my T, though, it's a pretty constant stressor. Just today I was in town and saw someone that looked vaguely like my T and felt terrible because I realized I avoid so much eye contact with her (even after being with her for years) that I couldn't be certain if someone was her if I ran into her in public. I think making more eye contact is on my therapy appointment to-work-on list just about every week but I rarely am able to do make more than brief glances (especially when I am feeling any emotion).

Once, in an appointment, we tried to really work on it together - spend stretches of time explicitly making eye contact (behavioral work). I found myself dealing with some strange, massive feelings of grief the week after. I think it's made me gun-shy (which is sometimes what it feels like, like staring into a loaded gun).

It's a beast to tackle but one that I am still determined to conquer - and I think it would be a huge win for anyone with this issue to overcome (however long it may take to do so).

[Boatsetsailrose]

Big green sea
Quote
'Like staring into a loaded gun '
Thank u what a great way to express what I feel

[tired]

On the flip side I read that people who are listening intently will often break eye contact to concentrate better on what they are hearing.

I don't think it's that big a deal to others. Not enough that you should worry.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

I don't like when some people give full eye contact weird s me out and with others it's nice - I
I can only assume it's the same for others
I now give as much as I'm comfortable with and don't
Beat myself up -
I think that's the important bit to accept me as I am right now
Eye contact or not

[Dutch Uncle]

On the flip side I read that people who are listening intently will often break eye contact to concentrate better on what they are hearing.

I have noticed I do this, deliberately*, as well.
It's circumstantial though: there are also times when I deliberately* focus on the physical person: body language, posture, eye contact, tone of voice etc., in particular if I hardly have a clue on what they are talking about.

An example of this is: I have a dear friend who is an IC-nurse and who, at times, shares about her experiences there. Obviously there are very sick people at the Intensive Care, and quite a few patients leave her ward disabled in some way, and there are those who die, and there are those who are 'send off' to die at home: no amount of medical help can cure them.
Now, that is so alien to my personal experiences, that no matter how much verbal information she gives me, to be empathetic to her 'story', I can only rely on my perception of her non-verbal language to make a connection to the message she is trying to share/get across.
And then I haven't even mentioned the medical jargon, that I try to skip as much as possible, so not to interrupt her 'flow'. She does not tell me these stories for the 'medical value', but for her 'emotional value'. I try to only ask her "Huh, what's [jargon-term] X?" if I realize that I actually may have lost out on some important information that was hidden (for a non-medic) in the jargon. More often than not the jargon is not essential to the story she wants to share with her dear friend (me in this case  ).

*) deliberate sounds more 'rational' than what I actually mean. 'Consciously' is possibly a better term. I am aware I do this, though not as well 'thought out' as I just typed up. Not in those moments at least that I am aware of my focus shifting from 'words' to 'view' or vice versa.

[tired]

I've had similar experiences.

My daughter was diagnosed with add partly from the eye contact issue which I think was not relevant. It was proven that even when she was looking away she was hearing everything and she is now very social and has excellent interpersonal skills.