Fear Of Anger

[Rizzo]

Hi, I would love to consult on something.
In my meetings with a therapist, I notice that I am not angry. I have no anger towards the people because of whom I am where I am today.
I don't really understand why.. maybe I'm afraid of anger after so many years of seeing what it can do to a person.
My father was always angry with me, always yelling things at me that I don't wish for even those I hate. He was verbally violent.
In my life I have met a lot of evil, in all kinds of forms.
But I was never angry.
Can anyone connect? I would love to hear your opinion

[Little2Nothing]

Rizzo, I feel no anger towards my abusers either. It seems all my anger is reserved for me. I think I should feel anger towards them, but it never seems to come. 

[Rizzo]

Rizzo, I feel no anger towards my abusers either. It seems all my anger is reserved for me. I think I should feel anger towards them, but it never seems to come.

thank you, i need to know i'm not alone in this..

[Papa Coco]

Rizzo,

This has been a huge problem for me.  As a child I was punished if I ever showed anger. The longer anger was not allowed, the less chance I ever had to become skilled at using it productively. Meaning, as I grew older, when anger did pop out, it felt completely out of control and people would laugh at me for how ridiculous I looked.

I am afraid of my own anger. I have been taught by my FOO, and all of the churches I used to belong to, that expressing anger is a sin, and a joke. My family was riddled with narcissists who knew how to make me ashamed of myself if I got angry.

Narcissists are good at teaching us how to lie down and take their abuse without fighting back. As children, it's easy to outshout us. No matter how angry I could get as a child, my narcissistic elders could get far angrier. They taught me to cower at anger--mine or anyone else's. They humiliate us when we get angry. In my family, if I ever got angry as a small toddler or a young child, Mom would instruct the family, "Don't anybody look at him. Just ignore him until he behaves himself." I know now that IGNORING A TODDLER AND A YOUNG CHILD IS ABUSE! ABUSE! Then when I became older, like 10 or 12, Mom convinced me that if I ever get angry, I'll die of a stroke.

I'm terrified of my own anger. My family taught me that I will hurt people if I get angry. In a narcissist's world, getting what I want means (to them) that they don't get what they want.

Every second of every day, narcissists compete for the win. It's the black and white behaviors of narcissists who consider every conversation and every interaction with anyone as a competition. They don't make concessions, they either win or lose. And they hate to lose. So, they teach their kind-hearted young children to stop getting what we want, so they can stand in the winner's circle longer. To a narcissist the world belongs to THEM and we, the good people, are just toys for them to play with, and they'll pretend to love us for as long as we don't fight back.

My FOO proved it a thousand times. Any time I got what I wanted as a child and an adult, I was either laughed at and humiliated for how stupid I looked, or I was blamed for making their lives worse for getting something I wanted. There were never win-win scenarios. They only understood getting what they want instead of me getting anything I might ever want.

Anger is there to help us get what we want. It's a self-protection mechanism meant to help us move out of difficult situations.

The reason Complex-PTSD is called Complex is because it's multilayered with more than one issue. It's complex. And my fear of anger has a complexity of different reasons:

1) If I get angry I imagine I'll explode like  grenade and hurt everyone around me (because that's what my FOO and churches taught me would happen)

2) If I get angry, I'll just open myself up to being abandoned, ignored, laughed at, humiliated.

3) If I get angry I'll die of a stroke (Again: Thanks, Mom. Way to teach your son how to be a strong man who gets what he wants in life).

4) If I get angry and win an argument, that win leads to a trap later on in the month when whomever I was angry at eventually tells me that I've ruined their life and I now need to feel crushing remorse for my anger from a while back.

Even though I understand why anger is such a problem for me, I haven't had much success in getting past it. If anything, I'm learning ways to ignore life's problems more and more. I'm learning ways to avoid situations where anger is required to get what I want. I'm still good at just giving up what I want so as to avoid conflict and anger.

Rizzo, you are not alone. This is one of my top 10 issues that I wish I could resolve, but don't know for sure whether I ever will.

[Rizzo]

Rizzo,

This has been a huge problem for me.  As a child I was punished if I ever showed anger. The longer anger was not allowed, the less chance I ever had to become skilled at using it productively. Meaning, as I grew older, when anger did pop out, it felt completely out of control and people would laugh at me for how ridiculous I looked.

I am afraid of my own anger. I have been taught by my FOO, and all of the churches I used to belong to, that expressing anger is a sin, and a joke. My family was riddled with narcissists who knew how to make me ashamed of myself if I got angry.

Narcissists are good at teaching us how to lie down and take their abuse without fighting back. As children, it's easy to outshout us. No matter how angry I could get as a child, my narcissistic elders could get far angrier. They taught me to cower at anger--mine or anyone else's. They humiliate us when we get angry. In my family, if I ever got angry as a small toddler or a young child, Mom would instruct the family, "Don't anybody look at him. Just ignore him until he behaves himself." I know now that IGNORING A TODDLER AND A YOUNG CHILD IS ABUSE! ABUSE! Then when I became older, like 10 or 12, Mom convinced me that if I ever get angry, I'll die of a stroke.

I'm terrified of my own anger. My family taught me that I will hurt people if I get angry. In a narcissist's world, getting what I want means (to them) that they don't get what they want.

Every second of every day, narcissists compete for the win. It's the black and white behaviors of narcissists who consider every conversation and every interaction with anyone as a competition. They don't make concessions, they either win or lose. And they hate to lose. So, they teach their kind-hearted young children to stop getting what we want, so they can stand in the winner's circle longer. To a narcissist the world belongs to THEM and we, the good people, are just toys for them to play with, and they'll pretend to love us for as long as we don't fight back.

My FOO proved it a thousand times. Any time I got what I wanted as a child and an adult, I was either laughed at and humiliated for how stupid I looked, or I was blamed for making their lives worse for getting something I wanted. There were never win-win scenarios. They only understood getting what they want instead of me getting anything I might ever want.

Anger is there to help us get what we want. It's a self-protection mechanism meant to help us move out of difficult situations.

The reason Complex-PTSD is called Complex is because it's multilayered with more than one issue. It's complex. And my fear of anger has a complexity of different reasons:

1) If I get angry I imagine I'll explode like  grenade and hurt everyone around me (because that's what my FOO and churches taught me would happen)

2) If I get angry, I'll just open myself up to being abandoned, ignored, laughed at, humiliated.

3) If I get angry I'll die of a stroke (Again: Thanks, Mom. Way to teach your son how to be a strong man who gets what he wants in life).

4) If I get angry and win an argument, that win leads to a trap later on in the month when whomever I was angry at eventually tells me that I've ruined their life and I now need to feel crushing remorse for my anger from a while back.

Even though I understand why anger is such a problem for me, I haven't had much success in getting past it. If anything, I'm learning ways to ignore life's problems more and more. I'm learning ways to avoid situations where anger is required to get what I want. I'm still good at just giving up what I want so as to avoid conflict and anger.

Rizzo, you are not alone. This is one of my top 10 issues that I wish I could resolve, but don't know for sure whether I ever will.

I understand you so much.. I feel we are in a very similar place. thank you for making me feel less alone