If You Developed CPTSD in Adulthood

[Western11]

I've joined this forum because I'm finally realizing that a behavior that's been affecting my life for about 10 years now is C-PTSD related. When I was younger I was so focused on being strong that there are a lot of things I just accepted, like nightmares and anxiety every night, hyper vigilance, and depression. Up until I was 37 I pretty much accepted that whatever anyone else thought was right and what I did was wrong. I was in emotionally abusive relationships that eventually left me so traumatized I'd be on the floor in a fetal position if they didn't call. My friends see me as so brilliant and together because I can put on a good act, because I'm a survivor, because I'm someone who reaches for positive solutions to everything, including depression. But ten years ago, I started going on TV binges, sometimes 10-12 hours a day for 1-4 weeks at a time. I was freelance so I could get away with it but I hated feeling so ashamed for wasting so much time when I could have been moving my life forward. Then 6 years ago, I got cancer so it didn't seem strange to lie down so much because I was exhausted during recovery and then for the past five years I've had chronic fatigue from the chemo and severe insomnia. But lately, with the help of a homeopath I'm getting stronger so I'm watching TV less and it's helped me to see a pattern that I didn't see before. I can't handle stress of any kind. when people expect things of me that feel like more than I can do, bam! I'm back watching TV for 12 hours. I can see now that it's my "avoidance" coping mechanism for feeling overwhelmed. I am catching and seeing now that this is a C-PTSD survival mechanism in response to stress that triggers early childhood stress issues but I could use help coming up with some tools for how to deal with it when it happens. I'm trying to do my usual - meditation and visualization and tapping but it's so much stronger than me. I want to become part of some groups so I feel more supported and less isolated but I'm usually so exhausted I don't have the energy to reach out and often people  exhaust me so I have to balance the social. Anyway, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this coping mechanism and how they got themselves to stop and replace them with new techniques that are healthier. I am happy I'm recognizing the pattern. I think it's a good step.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Western11! So glad you are here.

I'm so sorry to hear all that you've been through, you are a true survivor. Have you heard of Pete Walker? He's the author of the book, "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" which many of us have read. I keep my copy close at hand.

He talks about the 4F survival coping skills, fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. It sounds to me you are describing what we around here refer to as "dissociation", a very common coping skill among us which falls under the freeze category of dysfunctional coping mechanisms. You can read more here if you like - http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Thanks for joining,I look forward to hearing more from you!
 

[Wife#2]

Welcome, Western, we are glad you joined us.

You have survived so much already, that is a testament to your strength. I am in awe, even though I know as you read this, you'll likely look away and think I must not know you or I wouldn't speak such kind things. But, it's the truth. Inside you is a core of strength that makes me believe you'll make it through this.

This website is a wonderful place to come for companionship - especially companionship that GET IT, because we're on a similar journey as well. I suffer from the same distraction tendency when triggered. I don't have a solution, though I did try to think of a few. Check around the site, you are likely to find more kindred spirits. If you feel like posting, post! If not, read or check out some of the links you see. Regardless of how you choose to use or enjoy this site, we are very, very glad you came!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I recently read an article about C-PTSD and I identify myself with this disorder. I have the symptons of stay away from people, isolate myself and difficult to find a relationship.
I realize that the cause is the long search for job in a foreign country for the past 3 years. To avoid finnancial difficulties, I've decided to do a PhD to have the bursery monthly, but the money is 10% of the salary I used to have. So, that make me feel very incompetent, a looser and at the end of the day I cannot stand to spend a day in the university in the middle of 20 years old students while I am 40.
Is that possible to be happen to me? I do not know else I can do it, as going to job interviews is making me nervous and I have the feeling I will never find a job anymore. I even tought maybe life is not good enough to live as I do not get even a boyfriend. How can you help me?

Hey there, mate, welcome to the forum. ^-^
Deciding to get a PhD is a very reasonable decision which I support you on, don't worry about the age difference though. This happens plenty of times and people will support you for wanting to learn and further your education and career.
I know how you feel though, I was unemployed for quite some time and looking for jobs was a very depressing process that really sucked the self esteem out of me. But I kept looking and eventually I got a job. If you want to find a job, perhaps you can walk in to any job-seeking site nearby. I went to one myself, they had plenty of resources that really helped me out.
Things aren't hopeless, just don't stop striving for your goals! It's hard but you'll get there. ^-^

[EP]

I developed it as an adult. I am separated from my very emotionally and sexually abusive husband who has painted me as a drunk for no apparent reason because everyone sees him as the model husband father friend and upstanding member of the community. He tells people I'm lying about his abuse. When he admits it all in writing texts fb messages etc. No one believes me. He talks behind my back and trashes me constantly. No one he talks to will talk to me just about me. It's awful. And he says it's al in my head because of my bad childhood I "never dealt with."

[Metanoia]

Aloha,
My name is Stefania. I think I have CPTSD. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from the ages of 19-21. It got pretty bad and I do believe it would have led to physical abuse down the road. At the time, I had never experienced darkness in people like that. It happened slowly, over time so it was hard to see coming.  I think I always minimized what happened to me because I felt fortunate that I was only 21 when I got out and I know people have way worse things happen to them.

I remember being very hateful and angry for pretty much the whole summer after we parted ways. I even had to block him from all forms of contact because he wouldn't leave me alone. I trained for a marathon that summer also. Which in retrospect was my way of not dealing with it. After awhile the hate in my heart went away and i never really thought much about him. In fact i totally blocked him from my life at all. Not remembering he was around at different events with me. I even got rid of all my clothes bc i would remember hurtful things that happened while i was wearing them.

I didn't really date anyone seriously for a couple years after. But when I did i got titles like "best but meanest girlfriend." I really didn't understand why I lashed out or was so quick to get defensive. I just said it's because I was raised by the crazy Greeks and the fighting Irish. I think it also affected my self esteem. I thought I had good self confidence but didn't really.

Which brings me to now, eight years later and 5,000 miles away and this trauma still influences my life. It wasn't until a couple months ago i realized I bottled all this up and never dealt with it. It wasn't until a few days ago i realized I have become an emotional abuser myself. I am in the best relationship of my life and with someone that genuinely wants to help. I feel like my family and friends overlooked me all those years. I was seriously fading away from all the stress and most people just commented on how skinny I was but that was it. I realized i probably can't get over this on my own and I don't want to look back and regret not changing my ways. I have been remembering things a little bit more that I had blocked out and understanding things about myself that had always confused me. I even, the last eight years, carried a lot of tension throughout my body (shoulders, hips) and people would always ask why was i so tense. When I first discovered this i was very angry bc so much time has been wasted on not dealing with these things and I started thinking of anyone I had emotionally abused. Now I am feeling more compassionate with myself. I was young when it happened, I didn't know I bottled it up and I haven't done any irreparable damage but I cannot continue on this path. I need help.

[Wife#2]

Welcome, Stephania.  You are in a good place to begin your journey, and to find encouragement along the way!

I am so sorry that you suffered so much so young. Yes, you don't have to have the worst situation to have it impact you strongly. Bad enough is bad enough. Abuse is abuse. That you did get away from the situation is a blessing, but doesn't mean you broke free from the pain or consequences.

Still, here you are, reaching out. Recognizing that you do need help. That's huge! And we're glad you felt safe enough to post. We hope you'll feel the welcoming of this community and continue to grow into your best self.

[Metanoia]

Thank you for your kind words wife#2, it meant a lot and I have found myself re-reading it over this past week.

I am slowly accepting this part of me. I think I always wanted it to be something that didn't happen to me,but it did. It is apart of me. It's crazy how long it's affected my life and the lives of many others.

I have started journaling and doing some affirmations. I thought I wouldn't be able to write everyday and I find some days I can't stop.

I was wondering what are some techniques other people have used. I've been reading it is possible to change your brain back after having ptsd. It takes time and persistence though.

Just different ways to rebuild self esteem and to teach your mind and body that you are now in a safe place and have a good life.

[Wife#2]

I can't speak to all of those ideas, but I can say that journaling helps me a ton. When I was in therapy, that also helped a lot.

This website also helps very much, because part of the healing is to know that I am not alone.

I am not alone as a human being - HUGE for me.
I am not alone as a woman - Lots have had lives which joined their journey and mine here in this healing place.
I am not alone as a survivor - My issues may be 'small' to others, but they were huge to me. Here, we are not judged by what brought us here, but how we choose to survive and hopefully even thrive.
I am not alone in this journey - Here I have developed friendships. In Real Life, being here has helped me open up - and discover that I know others who are hurting and healing.

You are also not alone. Not anymore.

Whether we can 'reprogram' our brains is beyond my knowledge, though I have heard others say it is so. That's very, very encouraging!

Keep visiting, keep journaling, keep knowing that we are here and we welcome all of you who are new here. When you find that combination of elements in real life and in this forum, keep them up! This is your journey and only you know just the right elements.

[Rainagain]

I have adult onset cptsd, I think a shaky childhood probably didn't help but too many disasters and tough times certainly caused my current difficulties.

I have weird symptoms which aren't cptsd as far as I know, has anyone heard of people using a phrase repeatedly at times of high anxiety? Sometimes I whisper it, sometimes say it normally, sometimes shout it loudly. Its not turettes, its like a pressure valve that suddenly switches on and it just comes out of me.

I have also deliberately faced dangerous situations and sought them out, think this is mainstream PTSD behaviour.

The vocalisation is very odd and quite embarrassing! Not seen it described anywhere.

[Wife#2]

Rainagain - First welcome! We are glad you felt strong and brave enough to post! I strongly believe you will find hope and help here.

As to the phrase, do you feel better, stronger, soothed after stating your phrase? It may be a verbal self-soother, like I rub my arms when under stress - good or bad. Just because it's different doesn't make it wrong. There may be challenges if it's a colorful phrase - raising eyebrows when loudly uttered. Just know that it doesn't make you odd or strange or any other unkind thing because this phrase leaps from your lips.

I don't know if it's directly related to any of the c-PTSD but my instinct is that it is. I hope you know you are welcome here. I hope you join us again!

[Rainagain]

Thanks wife#2,
Uttering my phrase makes me feel bad as it is a loss of control, it happens when self loathing and rage swamps me, its as uncontrolled as people with turettes, I think it is called a tic.

It used to be a load of swear words but over the years I have managed to replace it with 'I love you (name of my dog)'. My dog doesn't mind, she just looks puzzled.
Its a bit odd, but what the *, it seems to be something my brain needs to do.
Someone say if I'm over sharing here or if I should be on another forum, on my own....

[Wife#2]

I am the queen of oversharing, so I can say with authority that you are indeed NOT oversharing. And, too late, Rainagain, we already like you and want you to stay with us! When we welcome someone into the community, we mean it. And we are very, very glad you posted here.

If you feel better typing in a thread that you start just for yourself, that's wonderful. If you want to keep typing here, keep typing!

The rules are pretty basic around here: No cussing in posts, no disrespectful or judgmental language and be kind - warn if a post is likely to be triggering to other survivors. The best thing is that the moderators and administrators are happy to answer questions if you're still not sure. We want you to feel welcome and safe here.

[Metanoia]

I am curious to know if anyone else has split themselves in two from repressed feelings and c-ptsd.

For example, I'm really good at positive feelings but if something has annoyed or angered me and someone points it out I say, "I'm not angry" when really I am.  Like it's not okay to have negative feelings. But really we are happy and sad, angry and forgiving, jealous and confident. I'm learning all of those emotions, good and bad, are apart of me. It's okay and they need to be acknowledged. Also, I am working on humility. Which is easier said then done. I read one symptom of c-ptsd is a "grown up child" and I definitely fit into that category every now and then. When it comes to the way I handle conversations, instead of communicating clearly, I will have a tantrum or get overly worked up if something isn't going my way. Or turn the whole thing into a pity party for me before I even realize it.

I'm wondering what are some techniques others use to open up. I am pretty bad at communicating my feelings. I can't think of what to say in the moment. Or I just feeling nothing, also known as putting up walls.

One other thing- people from my past, that knew me during my abusive relationship, I notice I tend to get more high energy or anxiety when I am around them. Even though it was 8 years ago. I don't do it with new people I've met in my new life that I've created, but when I go back home or someone visitis me here it happens. People from home definitely think I am higher strung and more neurotic then friends I have made here.

[Three Roses]

Like it's not okay to have negative feelings. 

Yes, very much so. It's very difficult for me to discuss my feelings, but it used to be impossible for me to be honest about how I was feeling or if I disliked something.

For me the first thing was being honest with myself.

I can also relate to the higher energy around certain people, in my case that seems to be nerves and hypervigilance.

Keep posting here and asking questions as you need to - you'll find the answers you are looking for. I think they're already inside you but talking will help bring them out.)