If You Developed CPTSD in Adulthood

[AphoticAtramentous]

I feel very much the same way, Metanoia.
And I REALLY suck at communicating my feelings. I can do it on paper, when I have the time and ability to erase and re-phrase things. But face to face, or over the phone or whatever, I just don't know what to say and if I try it comes out as this nonsensical mess. :S

[Metanoia]

Thank you AphoticAtramentous and Three Roses, your responses are much appreciated. I think we can help each other. I definitely start to not make sense when trying to talk about my feelings or I will repeat myself a lot.

I read that PTSD is a learned behavior and you can recover over time. It's sad how so little of our society cares about mental health. I never really had anyone in my life, until recently, talk about mental training and how the mind needs to be exercised just as the body does. I also read the worst thing you can say to someone that has ptsd is to just get over what happened and move on, which I know was said to me, but the people did not realize I had ptsd. Ptsd just doesn't work like that and you can't exactly just move on.

Learning I have ptsd has definitely made a lot of things make sense. For years I wondered why I did certain things. I can't help but wonder the person I would be if i didn't have this all these years. Still the same in a lot of ways but without that element of anxiety and more self confidence, I would imagine. It really grosses me out how people can just come into our lives and think they can treat people horribly and literally change the way their brain functions.

I have been listening to this YouTube video called: the art of meditation by Matthieu Ricard, which I find helps breakdown meditation in an easy way to understand and it is inspiring.

I also ordered this workbook online that was recommended to me. It's called Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A workbook for women. (Men can use it too,they just refer to women as the battered person because it's more common and easier to communicate in text). By Edward S. Kubany as one of the authors. It uses cognitive processing therapy and it was very affordable on amazon. I would recommend this for others. Or at least look into it. It only recommends to do no more then one chapter a day so you can really dig down deep and take your time through this process. It also gives you journal questions to answer and "homework."

[Three Roses]

PTSD and CPTSD are not learned behaviors, and wherever you read that, they're wrong. And it's not an illness, it's caused by traumatic injury, and the source of our symptoms has nothing to do with the way we think.

For more on the impact of trauma on the brain, and effective treatments, see "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk.

[Metanoia]

I guess by learned behavior I mean -when something traumatic has happened over and over again for months or years we develop defense mechanisms which lead to c-ptsd and when you're still in those circumstances can be lifesaving, cause you're on guard and can become hyper aware but when you are in a safe environment those symtoms become more noticeable and we can learn over time to change the way we react to stress and conflicts.

Still learning a lot about this so I will definitely look into that book

[Metanoia]

I have noticed for awhile my resting heart rate is pretty high for my age and physical activity level.

I always wondered why, but the brain can start producing higher levels of adrenaline hormones when you're constantly in fight or flight mode, which ironically I learned about this in school for kinesiology while I was being abused,  but it didn't really register with me until recently because I blocked a lot of things out. I was in a major where we were constantly taking our heart rates, bmi's and measurements and not one person or my professor asked if I was okay. Apparently they just put me on the watch list for people that went to the gym a lot (which at the time was a safe place for me and an outlet). I learned about this a couple years after graduating. Even some of my friends knew about it and no one said anything. I know I can't blame others but it will cause me to not turn a blind eye to someone that may need help to get out of an abusive relationship.

Interesting finding about myself, and I will be happy if and when my resting heart rate goes down

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

I developed C-PTSD during adulthood as a result of spending 8 years trying to heal my mentally I'll wife.

I did not notice the effects it was having on my life or my children's until we undertook an escape run 5 months.

Now, I can see and feel just how badly my inability to care for the caregiver and how unmanageable my life became.

We are NC but we have a lot of healing to do.

LTLTR

[thetruth]

I have developed cptsd in adulthood due to workplace harassment and being invalidated by my gp which helped the employer carry out unfair dismissal. I am terribly disconnected from who I used to be and my life consists of anxiety, depression and complex hopelessness. In a nutshell, it isnt worth living. Previous bouts of depression caused by bad parenting in childhood and adolescence always ran their course. This wont run its course. This appears to be for keeps and I cant live like this. Its not ok.

[Kizzie]

The truth, sometimes things pile up on us and we go to a dark place.  It sounds like you could use a friendly, understanding person to listen to you and provide you with some comfort and support.  I was in a similar place about 4 yrs ago and despite not being someone who ever asked for help or told anyone how bad I was feeling, Ireached out and am so glad I did, it really helped.

There is an organization called Befrienders Worldwide and the web site is here -   - https://www.befrienders.org/.  They have call lines all over the world and you can find one in your country on the top right hand side of the page.

Two other organizations are:

The International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world - http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Your Life Counts - provides a comprehensive list of crisis hot lines and organizations around the world - http://www.yourlifecounts.org/need-help/crisis-lines

I hope you reach out 

[thetruth]

Thanks a lot Kizzie. I'll respond better tomorrow. I cant really think now.

Thanks.

[thetruth]

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks a lot for all of this. Im afraid Im too damaged now. My mental pain is set in and doesnt stop. I'm sure you know just what I mean. There is no escape. Today I will attempt some reaching out. I will br taking some advice.

Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear this thetruth.  Please keep on posting or come back and let us know how you're doing when you feel up to it.

[thetruth]

Hi Kizzie, 

Thanks for the supportive responses. It's kinda crazy that the most authentic support you can receive for your 'unmentionable' malaise comes from someone online that you dont even know personally. No one else can be bothered with it. Its too much hassle. You find that out and then you have to keep it inside. And all the time its grinds you down.

I have had my head in the sand a bit. I have neglected to reach out. It's hard to reach out when the most prevalent response is- "you need to move on". As if you havent tried that yet.

I have come to realise that the thing that people tell me I need to let go of will not let go of me. If you say that to someone they react as if you are being stubborn and entrenched and self pitying. They dont get the reality. They dont hear what you are saying. They still think your being troubled is optional and you have chosen to not let go. So you cease to reach out. Reaching out invites further denigration and criticism. I love how people try to tell you it could be worse. Yeah it could be. Try telling the person whose arm youve just cut off, 'it could be worse,;I could have cut them both off, now stop complaining.'

Today I have got the ball rolling on having my gp put in a referal for a private psychiatric assessment. Thanks a lot to Rainagain for sharing useful information on here on what to do.

My headaches are off the scale. They are a direct product of heavy, frustrated thinking for far too long. 2 ibuprofen have helped a bit but my head feels like its been to war. It has been and its still not over.

Thanks Kizzie.

[Branchy3]

Yes only recently I have been assessed and diagnosed with CPTSD ..
Can't believe my childhood has affected me in this way .. I know I'm struggling every day with terrible anxiety and fear ..
Iv posted a new post on her as Iv inky just joined ..
Would love just one reply

[BeeKeeper]

Me again, Branchy3,

Kizzie offered some good thoughts, and I'd like to underscore one:

despite not being someone who ever asked for help or told anyone how bad I was feeling, I reached out and am so glad I did, it really helped.

You're right, society does not understand or offer much besides the "move on" idea. There is a lot of value in bringing these things up, at your own pace, and getting authentic support from others who have been through similar things. Asking for help seems so "obvious" for that part of the population that does not have cPTSD. For those who do, the mountain is high.

Take care.