If You Developed CPTSD in Adulthood

[Kizzie]

Those with NPD are truly exhausting I know Mama and Nicole.  That is the major reason I went no/low contact with FOO despite overwhelming guilt (at the time).

I developed CPTSD in childhood but it carried on into adulthood and the energy and toll they took on my well-being was just too much.  I wasn't so much "post" trauma, as still mired in trauma time when I was around them, couldn't breathe, couldn't think straight enough to make my way out of the fog long enough to get some good recovery accomplished, firm ground underneath myself to push forward.  Moving to the other side of the country made a huge difference for me.

In cases like yours though there isn't a real choice to escape completely, you simply can't when you are co-parenting or risk losing your employment.  I guess the question is "What can we do when we must be in contact with those who have a PD?"   Here's a few I can think of:

- work with a trauma knowledgeable T (family and/or individual) to deal with the stress and accept that the person is unlikely to change no matter what you do/don't do
- Use tools from Out of the Fog (http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro/) to establish & maintain clear boundaries and replace fear, obligation and guilt with healthier responses
- participate in a support group such as OOTS and/or OOTF where you can speak the truth, vent your frustrations, etc
- find out about your legal rights (as a parent, employee) 
- Minimize contact as much as possible

Other? 

[JamesG]

Mine was set up in childhood but the real catalysts were over the last few years. Looking back tho I can see the patterns, I'm aware I was living with the damn thing a lot further back. Again, a narcissist, in my case a brother and mother tag team. The flare up of mum's illness and death were the final major trigger, exacerbated by work and an alcoholic partner. To my mind, nothing works better than new understanding connections and the help of old friends. It's been a close run thing for me tho, suicidal thoughts have been a regular feature. Having your life wrecked by other people for no rational reason is a killer.

[Contessa]

I agree JamesG

Trauma is adult onset, but recognising the set up in childhood.

Had my family upbringing been different, I know I would have been able to work through these events in adulthood much better, had the subsequent events to the first even happened at all.

[Finallyseekinghelp]

I've finally decided to make the call and start therapy tomorrow, it all came to a crashing eye opening situation for me this weekend that just made me realize there's so much going on inside that I guess I finally need to deal with.

I was raped at 15 and severely bullied  and even jumped by a few guys in high school due to my rapist telling lies about me, then had a child at 17, moved out and raised her with the support of my amazing family thankfully. I'm 36 now, but sadly I chose the wrong men since I was 21. My first real boyfriend after my daughters father was physically abusive, he choked me until I passed out, punched me square in the face, black eyes and faces, stomped on me and cut my hair, he ended up being charged for dislocating my shoulder and destroying everything I owned, even my daughters furniture, me being me I backed out of the trial last minute to spare him time, but went through a million things in the 3 years I was with him.

I took a break from men and met a nice enough guy along the way but that ended because it was all party high risk at that and no real life possibilities.

Next I met the worst of the worst, and lucky me, I married him! I spent 8 years with a narcissist who I had two children with, one born at 25 weeks due to the stress I was under my whole pregnancy. It was physical, but the worst was the emotional abuse, I lost myself, was so confused, blamed myself for everything and felt completely crazy. I finally charged him with abuse and followed through giving the police tons of evidence, the death threats, etc. There was a point where I actually slept with a knife under my mattress in case he tried to kill me. There a no contact orde now and he doesn't know where I moved to so I've had some peace since Oct 2016.

I don't have friends or anyone because I feel like no one really knows me, but my family. I finally met someone amazing after my sister and mom pushed me to "get out there". He's literally the nicest, most caring normal man I've ever met and I could honestly see a future with him. I've never been in a "normal nice loving" relationship before so I told him some of the stuff I've been through which was really hard for me and he didn't stop talking to me like I thought he would. He didn't try to fix me either, he just expressed that he was sorry I went through those things, which was something I don't know I've ever heard before. Anyway, this weekend he took me to a birthday party where I was supposed to meet all his friends and I drank a strong rum and a little too much of it and pretty much went off on him, just because he said I put a little makeup on his shirt. Thankfully he took me outside so i didn't really embarrass myself, half of it I can't even remember. He said the whole time he drove me home I was putting him down, building myself up, yelling, swearing. I'm so embarrassed and sad he literally did nothing wrong he just wanted to tell me to be careful I could've just said sorry, but I had this unwarranted feeling he was belittling me. He's forgiven me and said not to beat myself up, but it's hard not to I treated him so bad.

The best thing that came from it though is realizing I have a lot I guess I haven't dealt with. I've never dealt with anything with a therapist and when victim services visited me after the last incident with my ex they urged me to see someone and I still never did.

Has anyone else experienced lashing out at others due to their past unresolved traumas? I just want to be normal, not paranoid or overly sensitive and angry

Thanks for this group and for sharing your stories too xo

[Three Roses]

Has anyone else experienced lashing out at others due to their past unresolved traumas? I just want to be normal, not paranoid or overly sensitive and angry

Yes!  I'm finally getting help now but I'm 60, I'm glad you're taking care of it sooner! It doesn't go away without treatment. 

[JamesG]

it's really not suprising that experiences like that can make you react in severe ways, part of it is the luxury of expression after so much suppression. Don't be too had on yourself, see it as objectivly as you can and it makes it a whole lot easier. He sounds like a good man so work with him and not despite or apart from him. Sort it together. See this is as a great opportunity to work through these things with support but make sure you let him in and reassure him as much as you can that he is helping. Having been pushed away byt someone who really needed my help I can tell you that the rewards for being able to help someone you care about far outweigh the trouble that you are actually fighting. It's a privilege to escort someone through these journeys but you have to make sure they know they are making a difference or you'll build walls. I really hope things begin to settle for you and that good normal times lie ahead.

[Finallyseekinghelp]

Thanks so much Three Roses for your assurance that help is the best option, I'm definitely going to set this up today and NOT procrastinate. I'm glad you're getting the support you need too! Has it been helping?

JamesG thanks for your response, it means a lot especially coming from someone who's tried to help someone in the past, sorry you were pushed away because people like you are rare. I'll definitely take your advice and let him know as much as I can how his calm and caring demeanour makes me feel safe and secure. Honestly, the way I acted and the way he didn't react with anything but care was another silver lining, he dealt with me being out of control without lashing back so my trust has already gone up a ton.

I'm so looking forward to this journey of recovery after reading for hours last night it's been affecting my life in so many ways and I didn't even attribute to my past, just kept pushing forward like a freight train.

I'm looking forward to reading all of your success stories!

[Finallyseekinghelp]

Mine was set up in childhood but the real catalysts were over the last few years. Looking back tho I can see the patterns, I'm aware I was living with the damn thing a lot further back. Again, a narcissist, in my case a brother and mother tag team. The flare up of mum's illness and death were the final major trigger, exacerbated by work and an alcoholic partner. To my mind, nothing works better than new understanding connections and the help of old friends. It's been a close run thing for me tho, suicidal thoughts have been a regular feature. Having your life wrecked by other people for no rational reason is a killer.

I hope you stay strong James, you deserve to have an amazing, fulfilling life! Keep surrounding yourself with positive connections and hopefully you'll be able to replace all the bad memories with amazing and happy ones soon.

Narcissistic people are so hard to get out of your head so I can only imagine how draining your situation was. Constant questioning and confusion is a tough thing to get over, I found writing things down and even recording conversations, when I was still in contact with my NPD abuser, helped me finally keep track of things and stop my mind from constantly trying to figure things out and question or blame myself. Maybe that could help you sort your thoughts and seperate your truth from their false reality, even after the fact.

[Healing Finally]

Hi Kizzie  - thank you so much for starting this thread and sharing your experiences.  Thanks to everyone else for sharing.  When I saw this topic it really struck a chord with me because I don't think my CPTSD developed until I was an adult.  I know my childhood emotional trauma (bullied severely for 1.5 years without any help, and being raised in a family with an en-Mom and uNPD sister) was the beginning, but I don't recall experiencing my cptsd symptoms until much later. 

I imagine it surfaced after I experienced more emotional abuse with my poor choices of partners, and I also have to wonder if alcohol played a part?  I drank heavily for 35 years (until I stopped 6 years ago finally.)  My addiction covered up all my symptoms so it was tough to know what was going on then.  But, I do remember needing to self-medicate with alcohol every time uncomfortable feelings came up.

I am going to seek out a CBT therapist as my current therapist is not very familiar with cptsd.  It pains me greatly that all my thearpists over the years have missed this, but they probably chalked it all up to my heavy drinking!  So good to be able to get through all this crap, finally, thank youuuuuuuu

  Stay Strong Y'all! 

[Healing Finally]

EDITED:  I have been thinking more about this and realize, I did experience these symptoms when I was a teenager, as well as young adult!  BIG SIGH - thanks again for bringing up this topic, I'm really going to have to do some digging in my mind about past reactions in my significant relationships.

Hi Kizzie  - thank you so much for starting this thread and sharing your experiences.  Thanks to everyone else for sharing.  When I saw this topic it really struck a chord with me because I don't think my CPTSD developed until I was an adult.  I know my childhood emotional trauma (bullied severely for 1.5 years without any help, and being raised in a family with an en-Mom and uNPD sister) was the beginning, but I don't recall experiencing my cptsd symptoms until much later. 

I imagine it surfaced after I experienced more emotional abuse with my poor choices of partners, and I also have to wonder if alcohol played a part?  I drank heavily for 35 years (until I stopped 6 years ago finally.)  My addiction covered up all my symptoms so it was tough to know what was going on then.  But, I do remember needing to self-medicate with alcohol every time uncomfortable feelings came up.

I am going to seek out a CBT therapist as my current therapist is not very familiar with cptsd.  It pains me greatly that all my thearpists over the years have missed this, but they probably chalked it all up to my heavy drinking!  So good to be able to get through all this crap, finally, thank youuuuuuuu

  Stay Strong Y'all! 

[steve1772]

Hi Kizzie I have recently been informed that I have CPTSD. I am a HSP ( Highly Sensitive Person) and so had issues growing up with bullying and feelings of isolation whilst growing up, however the real issue I had was having to deal with neglect and abusive within my 26 year marriage. Because of this I have real difficulty with personal relationships. Since my divorce 6 years ago I have found it extremely difficult to have a relationship at almost any level. Small things can trigger flashbacks,and I have found myself experiencing emotional breakdown at times. There have been at least 2 occasions when I have gotten really closed to someone when I have had what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown.
Just by being told that the most likely cause of this is CPTSD has been a real turning point for me. After a few years of wondering whether I am growing crazy I now have an explanation and a pathway to recovery.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, steve1772! Thanks for joining

[Blueberry]

Has anyone else experienced lashing out at others due to their past unresolved traumas? I just want to be normal, not paranoid or overly sensitive and angry

In a nutshell, yes.
Much less now though, through years of therapy.

[tilthead]

Hey, I'm going to be selfish for once and let it out.

I've never heard of C-PTSD until today surfing the web. So i decided to check it out, and a lot of it hit home. I've never been to a therapist or even talk about it much, so yeah it's strange to talk about. I wrote my thoughts down a couple of months ago (without  holding back of coarse), and it was more of a release than I thought it would be.... To my life story in a nut shell.
Both my older brother and I were born in the 70's. Our mom is awesome, but our dad is a F***. Our mom had and has the purest intentions of doing what's best. Awesome lady! But on to why I'm writing this. My brother and I were sexually abused by my father. I can't recall how old I was when I first remember, but it was in the house that we lived in before we moved when I was 5. In some weird way I guess I liked the attention in the beginning, but I became uncomfortable, scared, and it was my fault that this was happening. That's what i was being told anyways. "Why did you get under my underwear son, you can't do that". The last time It happened I was between six or seven . I remember everything, the colors, the smell, where I was laying, the tone of voice, everything and the guilt, but I can't remember if I was six or seven. My mom divorced my dad when I was seven so that was the end of that. But through the years following I suppressed these thoughts, although they had a big impact on my life, I stuffed them. And then I had a child of my own (a boy). Which he's still with me, along with my wife of twelve years, but that's when it started hitting home. I couldn't bath him, change his diaper or sleep in the bed with him without this overwhelming anxiety. I was so scared that I was genetically prone to do the same thing, that I refused to do those things. So that opened up a can of worms. He's ten now and I'm proud to say, it wasn't genetic .. Back to my brother. My brother and I didn't know or talk about it until our father passed (three years back) and we had some family issues with burying him. We both didn't want anything to do with him, not our problem, let the state bury him. We're not signing *... That was the time we realized it happened to both of us. Very subtle and brief, but we both understood. That's when I also realized why my brother was so hard on me. While growing up he belittled me, made me feel stupid, and every decision I made was the worst decision that one could make. He took it out on me. Understandably. Well my brother lived for another year before dying of an overdose. That was hard, and very hard on my mom. Sucks.  He was successful. Successful at achieving his goals and making a living. It was about a year before our father died when I noticed him going down hill.  We've been in the same boat when it comes to drug abuse. We did a lot of drugs here and there but we've maintained keeping up with our responsibilities. Then we got into a fight and we didn't talk for a couple years and it was different when we reconnected, I could see the monster in him that addiction causes. I wish that I could have been there through those years. Maybe things would have changed. Maybe. Another thing that haunts me is that my son was there when he OD'd. We've been reconnected for a couple of years, and I had no idea he was shooting up. Neither did my sister in-law. And another weird thing is that I wasn't mad at all. I understood why he would hide it, and why..Moving on. I've had quite a few anxiety attacks, especially since then, some that last days and some that are short. Long story short about my life. I have a hard time connecting with some people. I just don't know about them. I connect with a hand full of people and the rest i'm just wiry about em. I wish I could let that all go and just act confident, but I get shaky and my thoughts get jumbled. I just straight up act weird. I feel like I'm being judged by the littlest things, and other unanswered feelings. Very unnecessary. I've had it for as long as a can remember. I'm tired of it and I want to think differently, the end.... Thanks for the vent, D

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, letsdothis! I'm glad you're here.

Not all men are abusive, and not all women are saints. I'm so sorry you've been through such a rough time. And living in the same neighborhood with them all! Yikes. Maybe your front lawn needs a flying monkey with a line thru it ("No flying monkeys").

There is someone called The Spartan Life Coach on youtube, and many of us here are fans. He talks about narcissists and their effects on us. He has a lot of videos, some very long, others short. I'll bet you'd find him interesting.

So come on in, sit down, put your feet up! We're glad to have you - thanks for joining.