Remembering rather than learning

Started by Contessa, January 09, 2017, 08:51:41 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Contessa

I have been finding with my recovery that when I make a positive step forward, an old habit or attitude comes back as opposed to a new skill being learned.

In the context of the recent bullying I have been ecperiencing,
I do get a annoyed and frustrated when I am told things that I already know, or am spoken down to like I have no concept of social relations too; ie I cannot control what other people think or do (umm... duh), I'm seeing things that aren't happening (observing odd behaviour from people and being confused/distressed by it is not seeing things that aren't happening)

Having my past, long, respected, successful people management/oriented career completely discounted as experience for behavioural observation and knowledge is also tremendously upsetting.

How have you guys fared?

sanmagic7

well, contessa, i also find that i can't stand when people speak generic platitudes to me after i've said something personal.  for example, if i've said 'i don't like what's happening in the world' and someone responds 'well, we just have to do the best we can with what we have', it drives me nuts!

my hub and i have been getting into this, especially lately.  he comes from a 12-step background, where these types of sayings are thrown out all the time.  but, to me, it seems that there must be some independent thinking occurring, that people need to 'own' what they say rather than simply repeat what they've read or heard. 

i don't know if this is a remembering on my part, but i've never been too much of a fan of this kind of communication.  back in the 60's, there were a lot of hippie stuff that came off the same way, so i've been hearing this for many, many years.  the same with any 'trendy' thing, some religions, and other situations where there doesn't seem to be much independent thinking.

to be annoyed by this - is that a bad thing?  something i need to change about myself?  personally, i most enjoy conversations with people who are free thinkers, who have their own ideas,  and who can take info from what they've learned and make it their own.

contessa, i don't blame you for being upset by this stuff, including your work/life experience being discounted.  to my mind,  it shows respect for yourself, what you've been through, your intelligence and information-gathering skills.  i guess i'm failing to see the problem here.

radical

I'm sorry you are experiencing this too.

Two things for me: one is that I'm more uptight about being patronised and talked down to.  It has always happened, but I'm less "relaxed" about it just now.  This is because of my own experience of bullying and those who assume that I'm crazy (or whatever euphemism the prefer to use) and that either a) it wasn't that bad, but I was oversensitive due to my "issues" - (soft version) or, b) I imagined the abuse and vicitmised and traumatised a saintly woman in speaking out about it.   It would be less damaging if they assumed I lied to hurt her, but that wouldn't be a nice thought.  Much nicer to patronise me to death and talk to me like I have acquired a severe intellectual disability.  So there's that.

But I'm also aware that many people regress to bad cliches when they don't know what to say or how to help, in all kinds of situations.  I don't know what is so hard about just saying "I don't know what to say" or "I haven't experienced this but it must be horrible".  A sub-version is what I call 'vitamin K syndrome'.  People seem to have a need to 'solve' serious problems that they know nothing about and can be incredibly patronising in doing so.  eg,  I've been terribly ill with X, I haven't been able to work or socialise for three months and it is hard getting through the day with the pain and nausea  Answer: Have you tried vitamin K?, I find it works wonders with my Z (where Z is a minor and unrelated condition like dandruff.)   Also the many smug sufferers of the 'just world fallacy' need to minimise real harm or believe that if something has gone terribly wrong, it must be because of something you have done, or not done to bring it on yourself, so that they can continue to imagine the world is safe and what happens in our lives is always under our control.

You are a very smart and competent, Contessa.  Don't let others undermine your confidence - hold onto your truth however you can.  Lately, I've found in some situations it is good to come back to it later when I've had time to think, whether by addressing what was said, or by reaffirming my own experience in a non-defensive way.  Not in every instance but where the instance and the person is important.

Contessa

Thank you to both of you, these responses are varied but both valuable. I suppose I rambled a bit, writing a post before getting started with my day! And plus on my clunky phone. I'll see if I can fix up my ramble here, but it does not make your responses SanM and Radical any less relevant.

From living in a world of "the worst case scenario" for several years, I absolutely love now that I do not feel immediate annoyance or anger when something happens. I can respond to a situation, whether good or bad, with calm and respect. These are not new behaviours of mine in the least, the values and attitudes I lived by are making a comeback. The professionals say that these are god things to learn, but i'm not learning these skill/behaviours/attitudes. I'm remembering them. The anger and emotion have settled down to a point where logic is making a comeback too, and i'm loving it! This is a positive in my recovery.

With the bullying now, I am being told that I have automatically applied the "worst case scenario" to the situation which may not in effect be happening at all. That, yes, can be a real danger. I've been told that maybe I've assumed the worst, treated it at such, and in essence am actually causing the negativity in the first place. This is a negative.

I was confronted by my doc before Christmas that left me in tears. Now that I am not so anxious and upset, I can express the same things as I always have with calm, and yes without being on the defensive as a confrontation often brings. A few days ago I let her know that her confrontation upset me more than what is actually happening. She reiterated that, say for example, for someone to stop talking to me, maybe I in effect stopped talking to them first because I thought they weren't talking to me, hence they stopped talking to me as a result. My response was clear, "No. They stopped talking to me." For someone to talk to me with a pained look on their face with gritted teeth... yes maybe they had a bad day on one day. Things usually return to normal the next day. For several people to have barely a conversation with me, through gritted teeth or with pained looks on their faces, to me and only me, and immediately speak happily and freely with everyone else, consistently for five months now is not one person just having a bad day.

So yeah. That is what is annoying me because i've now turned into the problem. I know i'm not perfect and have not handled this situation with the normal finesse, but, I did not cause this problem. I've also had enough experience with people to know how to observe behaviours, and see the patterns.

Now i'm rambling again. Thanks for the vote of confidence! Onward and upward.

So I guess in this sense, yes, there is not problem with my intelligence here.