there are too many of them!

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sanmagic7

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2017, 10:43:53 PM »
and thanks back to you, contessa, for your continuing support.  it is really nice to not be in the middle of the storm anymore (i love metaphors!).  even my daughter mentioned to me that i had seemed defeated.  that's just how it felt, too - like i'd never be shed of this.  so, over my shoulder, but it's receding in the distance as i walk forward toward the sunrise.

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PhoenixRising2015

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2017, 02:37:34 AM »
i just want to move forward with healing both mind and body.  but i have a different type of clarity now, almost a different force that's working inside me.   the poison is out, i don't have to carry it around with me anymore.  apparently this change in the forum triggered me to be able to get rid of it, put it someplace where it won't hurt me anymore.  i'm so grateful, kizzie, that you started this.  it was the jumpstart i needed. 


I love the way you put this... getting the poison out.  I feel that's the perfect description!!!  I'm so glad that you're in a better space now!  Keep it up!!! :)   :cheer: :applause: :hug:

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Contessa

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2017, 10:00:26 AM »
San definitely is a tough cookie :)

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sanmagic7

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2017, 02:00:08 PM »
thanks to both of you.  ironic - today, i'm the crumbling cookie that's been dunked in the milk too long, soggy and crumby, full of fear and self-doubt, feelings i've never consciously allowed before.  it's horrible.  i can understand and relate to how people talk about being scared now, and i don't know how they've done it.  i've been wrapped in my cloak of grandiosity so long, but it's now fallen to the floor, and i'm naked out here, and don't know how to be.  dang, will this never end!!!

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Wife#2

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2017, 03:42:31 PM »
San, as hard as it will be, try to not run from it! Know that you are safe in the here & now and feel it. Usually it washes over me like waves, so I can catch my breath between crests. Try to feel the fear and still look at it.

I guess feeling fear but continuing anyway is like staring at the bug and still grabbing the shoe and crushing it. Why do we stare at it WHILE we attempt to crush it? It isn't actually going to harm us, it's just a bug! We still want to keep our eye on the critter, in case our aim isn't true - so we'll know where to send the next crushing blow. Fear is like that. It will try to skitter away and stay alive. It's that fragile AND powerful. Just think about how someone jumps after the bug that escaped!

This is the downside to allowing those feelings to reveal themselves. The upsides are joy, contentment, pride, humor and even justified anger. Allowing ALL of the emotions to exist is allowing you to be the authentic you - with all her facets able to shine in the light.

We'll be here for you when these unpleasant ones show up. We'll be here for you no matter what! You are the warrior woman. Even fear is allowed in her heart, because she is a warrior and also a human being. Because YOU are a warrior woman AND a human being. :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2017, 05:05:44 PM »
 :yeahthat:    Sending a big warm  :bighug:  your way San.

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sanmagic7

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #21 on: February 04, 2017, 12:54:26 AM »
man, i hope it's not as tough being human as it is getting there!  today was a cleansing cry about how many people have hurt me.  i count 3 in my life who have been there for years as the only ones who never have.   i carry the pain throughout my body because anytime i tried to tell someone, it was smashed away, denied, ignored, or made worse.  i am now admitting it, and i think it's * awful!  i don't get it.  so many cunning, impervious, deceitful people who, even after they knew, did it some more.  *!!!

i used to want to think they were clueless, but i know better now.  they are deliberate, doing as much as they can to see what they can get away with, and some of them got away with it for more years than makes any logical sense to me.  but i guess that's the dark side of this - there is no logic, only striking out, draining, exhausting whoever cares to stay around to take it.  what a frickin' fool i've been.  and i don't normally call myself names like that, but that's how it feels at this moment.  ugh!

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radical

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #22 on: February 04, 2017, 03:25:33 AM »
I can relate to everything you've said here, San.

It is tough and so painful.  It opens the way for something better but there are a lot of losses to get to the other side of, and learnings-from to process. 

I feel I need to stay inside my own feelings in order to enact boundaries at the lowest level, with body posture and facial expressions that reflect how I feel.  I know people who are very good at this, at being boundaried and in touch with what is okay with them, and communicating it authentically without fanfare.  It means that they don't end up like I do, further down the line, with virtually no boundaries unbusted, and too many hurts and misunderstandings for the relationships to be repairable.

That is my understanding of how I managed to end-up feeling so wounded and betrayed so often, - letting things go, turning a blind eye over and over, until the little things became big things and I felt powerless.  I don't know if this has been a problem for you?

It's always good to hear your battles and victories, to know we are all in this together.

People can be pretty easy-going and convey self-respect at the same time.  It feels like a mountain to climb

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sanmagic7

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #23 on: February 04, 2017, 01:38:48 PM »
radical, yeah, i just absorbed all that negativity for all those years, never knowing how to get it out, or when i tried, it somehow got stomped on.  that's the part that was always so confusing to me - i'd ask for what i wanted/needed, like i'd learned, i'd be given lip service of some kind, and no follow through at the last moment, which left me dazed and confused.  i couldn't understand it, mainly because i've always tried to be a woman of my word.  i thought that was extremely important, and i just didn't get it when others thought nothing of going back on theirs.

for some reason, maybe because i lived in my own little bubble so much of the time, i never stopped trusting people to do what they said.  i just gave them chance after chance to live up to their word, almost always disappointed in the end, having to do it myself, scurry around to make different plans that i could implement myself.   i got real good at doing that, but i continued being the starry-eyed optimist through it all.  still.

living in mexico, i found a new level of not following through, of not being to rely on someone's words, including my husband's.  i've been married 15 yrs., and altho i know he loves me, and has showed this by taking care of me all these years that i've been so sick, i'm only now getting to the point where i can't trust most anything he says about what he's going to do (except errands he runs for me), can't rely on him to follow thru on his word.  how sad to live like this.  it's a mexican thing i've discovered - most everyone tells you what they think you want to hear instead of the truth.  it's so frustrating!  being american here, too, they think of me differently, so will treat me differently, including charge me more for something than they'd charge my hub.  in mexico's eyes, all americans are rich, pretty much.

so, i just struggle along, another bird on the wire with the rest of you.  sometimes i really don't know how much more i can take, except that i have nowhere else to go.  so, the pressure is on to find a way to change my way of thinking, my expectations, in order to stay here with some relative sense of being ok.  this has changed my idea of trust, tho.  i don't trust people now, except for a very few who have proven themselves to me.  the people i've gone nc with, i don't trust a word that would come out of any of their mouths.  i can finally admit and accept that they did nothing but hurt me over and over, even when they knew i was at my wit's end.  smuck 'em, i say!

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Gentian

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #24 on: February 09, 2017, 06:31:37 AM »
Hi Sanmagic7,
Just wanted to say I am both saddened and impressed by your story and your courage in telling it.  I am NC too with my only sister whom I believe is likely a psychopath.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to be the mother to such a person.  Like your elder, my sister was toxic and dangerous from a very young age.  For what it's worth, I know you were right that they were slowly killing you and you were right to get away.   I hope you can find more peace after getting this all out. 

P.s.  I am deeply sad for you being abandoned by your first husband like that, though it sounds like a good riddance ultimately.   I know that my childhood ptsd definitely flared up when I was pregnant and has been going strong since.  We're just more vulnerable at that time, no matter how tough we are.  It was a crappy thing for him to do. 
« Last Edit: February 09, 2017, 06:38:41 AM by Gentian »

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sanmagic7

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2017, 01:37:03 AM »
thank you, gentian, for that validation.  to this day, the people i ran from think all i was doing was running away from my responsibilities, leaving them in the lurch while i've been having fun in the sun on the beach in mexico.  they'll never get it. 

slowly, the 'me' place i'm in is becoming a bit smoother, less hopeless feeling, and stronger in knowing what is and isn't good for me.  last year, i let go of two more long-term relationships that i realized were unhealthy for me.  it's coming together, i'm coming together, back to me, in ways i would have never imagined.

and thank you, too, for your kind words.  they are so appreciated.  you warmed my heart today.  i can feel it!

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Gentian

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Re: there are too many of them!
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2017, 06:23:54 AM »
 :hug: