I need therapy just to go to therapy

[Laurel]

I have to get a new psychiatrist and a therapist to get a proper diagnosis and treatment. Problem is, I'm terrified. Help? Any advice for how to make it through this? How to open up enough to make therapy actually useful?

I don't know how I will ever be successful at therapy because I don't know if I can stand to let anybody near me. I recognize that I have to, but that makes me so angry and afraid. People call a therapy room a "safe space" but to me it feels like a torture chamber, the place in the world I feel the least safe. Words like "attachment" and "theraputic alliance" or the idea of being supported or loved or, God forbid, hugged or touched by a therapist, make my skin crawl.

It makes me want to back into a corner and growl and then bite someone to make them go away! I have an overwhelming sense, just thinking about it, of wanting them to go away and leave me alone even though I will be paying them to be there. I don't even understand why I feel like this. I can't think of any huge thing in my childhood that happened to explain it. I was not physically abused. I have no specific reason for being this afraid. That kind of makes me feel even worse.

I feel so bad for whatever people I end up working with because I don't even know them, but I absolutely hate them right now, LOL. I feel safer pouring my heart out to anonymous strangers on the internet because you guys have no control over me, you can't hurt me.
 

[Rain]

I hear you, and I understand, Laurel.

Safety.

I wrote in the other post, so I will only send you a safe, internet      ...just look at the hug sideways so it will not be so scary.   

It's okay .....

Rain

[alovelycreature]

Hey Laurel. I am dealing with some of the same anxiety/fear around seeing a psychiatrist.

Seeing a therapist is scary! You're being asked to be completely vulnerable. For me, what helped my fear was treating my T as an ally and not an "authority" figure. I think we can treat professionals that way sometime, when they really are our ally. When I started seeing my T that I liked, I told her what I was okay with, what I wasn't okay with, my comfort level, etc. Having her empathize with this and taking it slow really set the foundation me feeling safe enough to open up.

My therapy experience was great after I found the right therapist. Sometimes you have to shop for the person that clicks with you. My T was open, compassionate, and held my hand through part of my journey as opposed to leading the way. I felt being in a safe and comfortable environment made room for change. At first it was anxiety provoking and I had a few meltdowns out of fear, but for me it was part of the journey.

[Butterfly]

Some I know who have successfully found the right therapist phone interviewed before even going to see them. IME I think if a therapist won't phone interview its not a good fit for me.

[globetrotter]

I hear you, Laurel. I've seen my T for almost 2 1/2 years and it has been a verrrry sloooow journey. Vulnerability, trust, openness, God forbid - some kind of attachment to her...All scary stuff. You, however, have control. You can decide what you want to talk about, how fast or slow you want to approach your issues, and so on. I am such a resistant client sometimes, I feel bad for her (despite how much I pay her) because she asks me question after question and gets back three or four word responses. Other times, I'll be amped about something that happened and rattle on and on. Perhaps the best thing is to do is, as Butterfly suggested, phone interview and mention that you have a lot of anxiety around the process. See what kind of response or support you get. Then go for one visit. See how it goes. Then, if you're comfortable, try it again. Chunk it down, a visit at a time. You can always go to someone else if it doesn't work out well. I used to blame my T all of the time for the fact that things were going so slowly, then I realized that *I* am the issue, and she's doing her best not to scare me away by flooding me.

Hang in there! It's worth it.

[Badmemories]

I think of this too! I know that I have gone to therapy before and I have not really go results from it..I am pretty negative about the whole thing! I am not feeling anxiety about going..but more the voice that You've done that before and that did not work...

I got very bad advice from a counselor AT THE LOCAL SHELTER...I'd probably be very physically hurt IF I would have just done what she said. If you have read My posts on uNPDH you'd realize how abusive He is emotionally and was physically.  She just told Me to slap the divorce papers on the table.... what was the problem I was having?

I was expecting lists of things I needed to do like information in the toolbox on OOTF. I was expecting some T on the entanglement that I was feeling and could Not get away!  I did not get any of that... in fact I felt dismissed and put down because I was expecting more. I questioned her at great length and she just repeated the same thing!! 

I went into the appointment thinking I was finally making a BIG step and I was proud of MYself for making the decision to go ahead and work toward getting a divorce.  I was actually afraid to even be seen in the parking lot for fear that uNPDH would see MY car in the parking lot! I guess that was pretty far fetched thinking. I was pretty dissociated when I left her office, so she triggered me somehow.  Of course NOW when I think about it then I am demand resistant.. is that the right word?

Then I did start going to a Christian T for a while... I got a little out of the Therapy. I mostly felt like it was a bible study that I was going to with the prayer etc. I mean I had no problem with her being a Christian in fact I thought It would be better IF We were like minded. I read that kind of therapy is called  "Talk Therapy" .. Maybe it would have been different IF we'd had some goals so that I could see where she was at or going  BUT I  did not like paying $100. per session (plus what My insurance was paying).

When I went into day patient treatment (which I did 2 times ) the One time I had a horrific problem with My Husband It was actually mind blowing. Triggering Alert   He raped me! It was violent and very abusive They just gave me materials to sooth Myself..etc. I don't know at that time Why They did not teach me or refer me to someone who know or understands Personality Disorders and I That alone would have given me some frame work on how to heal. That was ONE time I cried.

Then the 2nd time at day patient My unpdM cleaned out My car and I went into the garbage at her house and I took back the stuff she'd thrown out. She did not sort anything just threw it out lock stock and barrel. She actually went through the treatment center and confronted me for doing that and typical uNPD behavior wanted me to open MY trunk so she could throw the things away that She'd thrown away to begin with...I cried. I feel they let me down again by NOT teaching Me about PD behavior..I mean she threw a fit in the lunch room yelling and screaming at me! Everybody saw it. I was SO embarrassed!

I have been doing some research for a therapist. I have state insurance now and it is such a chore for someone who has Anxiety disorder ...to look for someone who will accept it. I had enough of a problem for My insurance to approve My psychiatrist whom I have had for 30 years. I do not know the amount of paperwork that it would take to "get anything" covered. The new policies are supposed to let You have Mental Health care but they sure have a lot of hoops to jump!

Hopefully I did not hi-jack this post but all of these things go into trying to get a T, so I am hoping by telling You about it that You might be able to see WHY you are resistant!

keep on keeping on! 

[Brandy]

This is a pretty old post so I hope you went through with it and it all worked out.

My therapist once asked me why I always looked scared when she came to collect me from the waiting room. What kind of question is that?? Nothing personal, but therapy is SCARY.

[Ladybug]

I need therapy for therapy! I've had 3 sessions now, and my third one 2 days ago was the most difficult. It exhausted me and I didn't really get out of bed for roughly 36 hours. I still don't feel good. Is this normal?

[Dutch Uncle]

@LadyBug:

I don't know if it's normal, but it sure doesn't sound like what it should bring to you.

Do you have a back-up contact?
The only serious therapy I ever had was addiction-related, and I could always call somebody at the clinic if I had great difficulty coping in between sessions.
I called once or twice, just because I was worried I wasn't coping well, and they were able to put me at ease again.
I advise you to bring this up at least at your next session.

[Ladybug]

@Hysperger:

I do intend to bring it up at my next session, which is on Monday, fortunately.

I think therapy would be easier for me if I had a better support system. I wish I had friends that understood. I just don't think you get it unless you've been through it though, which I wish on noone.

[Kizzie]

Hi Ladybug - I just posted this in another thread but I agree with Hysperger that the best idea is to talk about this with your T.  You may need to go slower so that you can function in between sessions.  Does your T know about CPTSD specifically? 

[Ladybug]

I don't think she knows about CPTSD. I sent her an email to ask before I got started, specifically noted the "C" and spelled it out, etc., and she still replied with PTSD. She does specialize in trauma, and has been there herself (experienced childhood abuse/trauma herself). I do feel that she can help me, and I will talk to her about what's going on tomorrow.

I will check out the other thread. I know this one is old but the subject really hit home!

Thank you so much for replying. 

[Kizzie]

Hi Again Ladybug - Just wondering how therapy is going.  Did you talk to your T?