Husband Making CPTSD worse...

[JillStJohn]

I have C-PTSD from childhood emotional and physical abuse. I'm really self-aware and I know this about myself.  I've been to lots of therapists and I am a therapist.  I know what my triggers are- people being angry, screaming, violence, aggression.  My problem is my husband of 12 years keeps triggering me. It mainly happens when our two kids are involved. He gets really angry and yells at them. Or He just getting into arguments with them. The other day it was him making fun of our son.   I have explained what this does to me, that it's a trigger, that I can't help react. It's just who I am. I've tried to work on it. But I become upset when he does this.  I asked him why he did this. I tell him to stop.  I reminded him that we agreed he wouldn't do this. I need him to understand that I am triggered and try to help me. Instead he just yells at me and tells me I'm critical and controlling.  Argues with me. This just spirals everything.  Because I need him to understand me, why I am upset. I need him to realize I'm triggered and to help me through it. I needed to be supported. But he's just the opposite. And it just escalates .  So I'm just crying in the bathroom, having flashbacks for an hour. He doesn't even come in. Or if he has come in the past, he needs to understand his anger/reaction has made him the enemy. I am having an episode and scream "get away from me!" He scurries away. So much for understanding CPTSD and calmly/quietly trying to be emotionally supportive. I can just never be triggered and have him love me.  I can't be triggered and have him understand and help me.  Believe me, I've explained this to him hundreds of times and he just doesn't get it.  We''be  had couples therapy a lot and they try to explain this to him.  I just don't know what else to do. He just blames me and thinks I am a jerk when I am triggered. I just want to feel safe and supported by him.  But He is not safe to me. He is scary.  You just can't do that to someone, trigger them,  year after year, and expect your relationship to be OK. Because it's just not. I need him to stop triggering me.   Because year after year of this happening a relationship is so damaging.  I even feel bad needing/wanting this from him. So I try not to feel anything. I don't know if the answer is divorce?   I don't know at what point do you walk away for your own mental health. Am I being unreasonable?  Maybe I'm just screwed up . It's all my fault.  If I could just not be triggered like everybody else we wouldn't have this problem.

[Dee]

Is the relationship emotionally abusive for you and your kids?  Are you at a point where you could see it?  I had no idea my marriage was abusive until I was separated, working on a divorce.  I didn't know any better.  I didn't have an example growing up and I thought it was normal.  Over the past year I have started to understand just how abusive my marriage was.  I had no idea and thought it was me.

[sanmagic7]

i'm a therapist, too, and have stayed in relationships too long because i couldn't see what was really happening.  if one of your clients came in and told you this story about her relationship, what would you tell her?  would it be her fault?  'should' she just shut down so that she doesn't get triggered?  is that even possible?  when is your mental health important enough so that you can walk away? 

it sounds like you're doing everything you know how to do to be ok in this relationship.  what is he doing?  when is the imbalance enough to tip you off the scales?  what is this doing to your kids?  and, when he's yelling at the kids, or making fun of them, is it just your triggers or is he being abusive to the kids as well, and is that all right?

i'm not looking for answers, per se, just posing questions that i wish someone would have posed to me to contemplate and consider so many years ago.  it's not an easy situation that you're in, but it sounds as if you're beginning to recognize some things that you didn't see before.  it's not your fault, jillstjohn - you've been traumatized by others, and are being traumatized again, from what i'm reading.  you are the most important person in your life, and you deserve the very best.  i hope you can be kind to and gentle with yourself, and do what will allow you to do both.  big hug, and best to you with this.

[Wife#2]

Dearest Jill,

I nearly could have written your post. I'm at work and can't detail more than that right now, but I can say that this cycle, once it's established in the marriage, will continue until something better is established. I'm not there, I haven't found it. I'm just coming out of a good cycle where my husband was trying to be patient, thoughtful and considerate. He's slipping back into angry, loud and rude. I'm trying to not freeze again, as that's my usual response. But, I can feel myself slipping away. I don't physically run to another room anymore, I also don't cry hardly at all anymore (I was accused of trying to hurt or manipulate him with my tears, so I dried up). Still, I run away into myself. And it's affecting my DS just as much as it ever affected my stepkids.

I'll write more when I have time. Lets just say, I hear you. I understand you. I don't have answers, because I'm actually right there with you.

[bazou]

Hi Jill,

DITTO! I just wanted to send you a hug and be another voice whispering "you're not alone, we're here".

I'm in the same boat. I don't feel my relationship is abusive. However, I do feel it is highly toxic for me. My partner is a really great guy, but with a lot of bagage himself which he's never dealt with. I am actually starting to suspect he himself suffers from C-PTSD. He was violently bullied as a child and teenager and has struggled for years with abandonment issues (his parents divorced when he was 2 and his dad was an absentee father). I am just now understanding the toxicity in our relationship and that both of us together have created these unhealthy patterns. He triggers me by not providing the kind of safety I so badly need; this is the most insecure I've ever felt in a relationship; I trigger him by lashing out with anger, not making him feel appreciated and tourmenting him. It's been a vicious cycle.

I see it clearly now for the first time. The light just went of last week. I want to fix it. He doesn't "get it" yet, but after a week of blow ups, almost calling it quits (I almost walked out last week, he almost walked out this past Sunday), hours of crying and talking, we've made progress and are starting couples therapy next week.

I am hopeful. But then there is the part of me that is terrified. That he won't fight for me. That he won't be willing to do what needs to be done to fix this. That I'm not good enough. Or worthy enough. That, like others before, he will say "I didn't sign up for this" and walk away. In which case, I know in my heart I will have to move on. And that terrifies me. And hurts me. Because I do love him. I love our life together. I love our kids. And I know that we have the potential for greatness as we have been (not now, but over 10 years) great friends, and haver partnered through some incredible challenges together (custody issues, infertility issues, and the list goes on). But I'm terrified.

I think ultimately, you need to reach that point where you are confident in setting boundaries where certain behaviours become unacceptable. You know in your heart that you have tolerated things for out of fear of being abandoned. I am on a journey now towards not being in fear anymore. I know you will find your way, that is right for you, and take that journey too. This place seems to be a good place to come for support in the meantime. Sending you a big hug.

[Pandabear74]

I can relate to the difficulty you are facing. My husband and I are in a similar situation. I have explained to him many times that his drinking triggers my ptsd from being abused by an alcoholic father- yet he won't stop. When I get triggered from his drinking things spiral out of control. I lose it- scream and have even slapped him on numerous occasions. After it's all over I feel terrible and so drained that I have to go lie in bed for hours. It brings up a lot of flashbacks- but also a tremendous amount of shame that I cannot control myself. These episodes make me have a lot of resentment towards him and they make me hate myself because I cannot maintain control. We have tried therapy but it is not working so far. We don't have sex anymore and I am sad and depressed or angry most of the time. It's good to know that I am not the only person who has these feelings. Thank you for sharing. I hope things will get better for you. If anyone has advice on how they control their ptsd when thier spouse trigggers them- it would be appreciated.

[sanmagic7]

hey, pandabear,

my thoughts to you are that if you are in therapy, it may be time to be brutally honest about your feelings.  living with an active drinker who will not quit, even tho it is obvious that it is hurting you, sends up red flags for me.  this sounds like someone who is more invested in keeping the alcohol than keeping you feeling safe, which is really an awful realization to face. 

if you are seeing someone on your own, again, brutal honesty is warranted here as to just what your spouse's behavior really means for your peace of mind and happiness in the relationship.   it's tough to win against the bottle - she is a possessive mistress.  i can only wish you all the best.  it's a very difficult situation you're in, and it sounds like it's escalating.  i don't mean to be harsh, only honest.   big hug to you.

[ricepen22]

Would it hurt to take a break from him with the kids? Could you take them somewere? Could you afford a brief cheep holiday? Worst case sonario could you ask him to stay at his friends / family?