Twink's Journal

[sanmagic7]

hey, twink,

i know 'saffy' now - i'm a huge ab fab fan, have watched every episode i could get my hands on over and over.  but, how mean to call you that because someone thought you were 'boring'.  saffy, in the show, was actually not boring - she had a lovely life with good friends, an academic goal, and some extra-curricular 'activities' that surprised even her mother.  she just wasn't over the top like her mum and patsy were.  i loved the 'saffy' character.  that's just plain mean and nasty to call you derogatory names because you enjoyed studying and learning.  ugh!  sorry you had to go through that.

thanks for the explanations.  they all make sense to me now.  i guess your t was trying to be lighthearted, but i think her timing was off.  it just didn't set right for you.  not your fault. 

writing also helps me during stressful times.  i'm glad you have that resource for yourself. 

you'll do what you feel best about your job.  is there something you can do where you're at to get out of that 'comfort zone'?  when you were told you were complacent, what kinds of expectations do they have for you to do something different?  anything worth exploring?

didn't you once write that you couldn't cry  in therapy?  it seems like you've overcome that hurdle.  i say, good for you.  i think we've held so many tears for so long that, even tho it may feel uncomfortable, it's really a good thing to finally let them flow.  they're taking the poison out and helping your mind and body heal.  that's how i see it anyway.  they're also a normal expression of pain and sadness, which we often weren't allowed to express without severely neg. consequences.  i know that one from experience.

so, ever forward, twink.  i think you're doing really great.  sending hugs right back to you, too.     

[Twinkletoes]

Howdy, it is Friday 17th February just before 2pm in the afternoon.  I am working from home today so taking the opportunity in my lunch break to write.

It was my last session before the therapy break yesterday and I had forgotten! I'm not entirely sure how that is possible given I've spent over a month in countdown for it and spent Tuesday night's session crying at the thought of it - defences? Maybe.

The session yesterday was very light-hearted. Very different from Tuesday's session where I cried a fair bit.  I wanted to find something to connect with her on in one way, yet in another, it is easier to leave for the break on more of a light-hearted chat... I guess it depends what mood I am in on the day.

I slept heavily last night and I know that I dreamt about her - I remember waking (I think) and "understanding" something about her - I can't articulate this very well because the memory is now hazy - more or less gone.  It was like I accepted or understood something from the child's point of view - my inner child that is.. but now it's gone away again and I can't get it back. 

I read some articles this morning in bed about the therapy break and I had tears falling down my face again... one thing that I hate about it is that it hasn't even begun yet - I wouldn't normally see her again until next Tuesday, yet the countdown to the break being over has already started ... that makes me feel both sad and needy. 

I was reading a wonderful book which I finished today, the ending of which was very tear-jerking and I cried again. I've been wanting to write here or on my blog but I don't know what it is I have to say. How do I feel and what am I thinking and feeling? I don't know. What would happen in an ideal world - I still don't know.

I've worked in absolute silence today. No TV, no radio. Absolutely no background noise and that is unheard of for me - does that mean my brain is noisy enough with unconscious thoughts that I just can't grasp?

I look around the house and notice I need to clean,  the house needs hovering and dusting - bathroom needs bleaching yet I just don't want to do it.  I am usually extremely OCD about this so that is also weird. Have I regressed or have I put my barriers back up to defend myself for this break and I'm having a strop? Am I angry? I don't seem to have the answers. I guess that's okay, isn't it?

My T says that I like everything to be neat and tidy - to have its place - to be understood.... she says that I don't like my "messy feelings" and we've been working on trying to get me to stay with them - to tolerate them but not let them overcome me.  So this is a work in progress but this is me saying - I don't know how I feel today but I won't lie, the break that I am already "in" in my head, sucks arse.

[sanmagic7]

it's absolutely ok not to have the answers.  the process flows and we flow with it, not always knowing where it's heading.  all we need do is have faith - we'll get to where we need to go in time. 

along the way are the dreams that we can't really grasp, the silence that we allow in place of distraction, the differences in behavior that we notice, how what once was so important doesn't seem so much now (maybe for the moment, maybe for longer).  our brains are working hard at this recovery as we keep adding new information, new insights, new realizations. 

i think you're doing a fine job of letting yourself go with the flow.   this break from your t is major for you right now, but as the days go by, you'll get through it.  you're showing your strength, even if you don't realize it.  i'm going to miss some of this break cuz i'll be visiting my daughter, but i know you'll get through it.  it will be ok, maybe a bit rocky, but ok, and so will you.  big hug, twink!

[Twinkletoes]

***Warning - very desperate and needy post ***

Have I been triggered by T being away?

I can't make any sense of what is going on in my head but I don't like it. It is horrible. It makes me want to scream and cry and punch things and cry some more. My mind is absolutely consumed with therapy things and the fact that T is off this week – yet I wouldn't even have a session until tomorrow anyway, so how does that work? I keep reading and writing hoping to suddenly "get" something to make this all hurt less... but all it does is make it worse. I'm trying to intellectualise it away.

I hate the break, it is really painful this time, really, really horrible. I never understood when she used to say it might bring up painful feelings – I didn't foresee it feeling like this. I read earlier that missing your T can feel like missing a friend when they go away, but it is nothing like that at all. If my best friend went on holiday, it wouldn't make any real difference to me for a week – or even two.  We might have contact via text, but that's all. T said if I needed to, I could send her a text message to ask her "are you there" but as I've said previously in a blog, how is that meant to help me when "there" is just somewhere that I'm not??

I keep thinking that maybe this is how I felt as a child when my mum went away. Maybe these feelings are emotional flashbacks, but I can't remember.

I don't know if it's worse knowing she is at home and not physically far away or whether it would be harder knowing she was miles away on a beach abroad somewhere. I can't work out why I wouldn't be feeling like this if she weren't on a break because I wouldn't be seeing her yet anyway!! so why is it making such a huge difference to how I feel?

I feel like the child part of me is in charge at the moment. I didn't want to go to work today, I really felt very down the second I opened my eyes. I forced myself to go, obviously, but it was hard. I feel very miserable and I can't even explain why. I am even questioning whether it is about her being away or whether I've just made that up.

I want to hide away yet my thoughts are so loud that I don't want to be alone because then they would be even louder. I know I sound desperate.

It's made me realise this was how I felt at Christmas those days when I felt so miserable and cried easily – it is exactly the same. Those feelings kicked in very quickly after my last session to, and before I would normally see her again.

I don't like this feeling of being left to fend for myself, without therapy. It makes me want to cry. I can't handle things on my own. I need to check in with her twice a week – it makes my weeks okay. I need the connection and I need to see her and talk to her. I need the understanding, the smiles and the odd "in joke".  It feels like I'm suddenly obsessed with it all – I feel ashamed for feeling this way. I am a grown woman and not that child anymore, but it doesn't feel like that at the moment.

I'm already thinking about the Easter break and that makes me want to scream. After Easter it's summer break – her's and mine – constant breaks all the time, why???  All that therapy breaks do is BREAK ME.

I could never imagine a year or two ago having these feelings because of the breaks. I used to laugh at the thought that you could feel so strongly because your therapist had some time off, I admit I thought it was a bit pathetic really. Now I am in panic because what if this is only the start? What if there are more horrible feelings and thoughts like this? I just want to make some sense of them so they don't feel so powerful and so confusing.

I don't like feeling this needy and this vulnerable and weak and young. How the * did I cope with these feelings when I was actually young? How didn't I die?

It feels like life and death – clinging on, surviving. So bloody dramatic.

Why won't I just send her a message? I am adamant that I won't – my reason being that it won't help or it will make me miss her more. It's like I'm punishing myself somehow or just trying to take some control back over feeling so, well, out of control.

[sanmagic7]

hey, twink,

dang, how horribly hard this has hit you.  my heart goes out to you, sweetie.

i call these times being 'messy'.  when i've felt like this, i just felt like a mess, like everything around me was a mess, and that trying to get through it was messier still.  but, get through it you shall, dear twink.  maybe not in the prettiest way nor the most comfortable or efficient way, but you will get through it.  that's all we need do - just get through it. 

after i'd done several of these episodes, i came to realize this about myself - that it's ok to be messy at times!  we don't have to get through these times of turbulence perfectly, and there's nothing shameful or bad about being messy.  it's like schlupping through the muck to get back to dry land.  one foot in front of the other and eventually the muck will be behind us.  you're doing ok, twink.  just a bit messy is all.  nothing wrong with that.

big hug to you.  standing right beside you.

[Twinkletoes]

I have neglected my journal here thanks to my new found blogging experience - come check me out anyone who is interested - for now though, I am going to post here what I have posted there so I can keep my journey up to date.

www.unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com

[Twinkletoes]

Written on 21 February

I was in a really horrible and desperate place yesterday.  Today, it feels as though the child part of me – I will call her "Little Twink" has settled back down.  Perhaps she is taking a nap after exhausting herself being so hypervigilent and alert yesterday.

Yesterday (and Sunday) I was really feeling these child-like feelings of abandonment and pain. Sadness, grief, worry, embarrassment – all of it. The post I wrote yesterday was as raw as they come. I very nearly didn't post it because it is embarrassing to me to have feelings that strong, that needy and that dramatic, but, the point of this blog is to share my therapy journey and so it wouldn't be right to not include these darker moments with you all.  Being able to accept these feelings as being "allowed" is still very much a work in progress for me.  I hope that by sharing some of this darker more desperate stuff, people are able to see that they are not alone if they experience similar things and on a totally selfish note, it helps to validate my pain when people tell me they understand it too. Win-Win right?!

Looking back to yesterday, everything felt so terrible. Everything was going wrong – it all felt so hopeless and just, well, *! Today, I feel so much better. I am smiling again, I am laughing again and I feel in my "adult" brain again.  I have been trying to understand what took me out of that place and I don't really know.  Perhaps I just felt everything enough to let it pass?

When I regress like yesterday and Little Twink takes over, it's nearly impossible to imagine feeling better.  When the adult me is back in control, it's hard to imagine having felt that bad!  It's a weird concept.  I knew the second I opened my eyes this morning that today was going to be a better day. The first thought I had when opening them was that I had been able to sleep, all night, unlike Sunday night – that seemed to make things better immediately. I managed to get out of bed easier and the day just seemed "lighter" somehow.  When I was on the bus to the station this morning, I read a few posts on here that made me smile – they genuinely lifted my spirits and when I caught myself physically smiling (like a loon on her own!) on the bus, I knew adult me was back!

I hope that Little Twink has settled down because she feels heard and reassured and not because I've shamed her to pipe down. It's hard to tell isn't it? I am aware as I read this blog entry back to myself before posting that that my need to refer to those feelings in me as another person/part of me – Little Twink – and by using words like she and her I am objectifying to make it easier to tolerate. Baby steps.

I read about emotional flashbacks ages ago. Pete Walker's work talks to me as though it was written for me alone.

When I read sentences like this "Flashbacks strand clients in the feelings of danger, helplessness and hopelessness of their original abandonment, when there was no safe parental figure to go to for comfort and support" I can rationalise that I can tell my T the feelings I had yesterday without feeling hideously embarrassed because she knows this stuff isn't really about her – it's transference.  Yet, there is still a huge part of me that finds the whole thing so scary. I am learning that for me to really, truly need or depend on her (anyone?) it scares the living daylights out of me – I think this is actually what triggered all of this in the first place.  To acknowledge and admit that her being away for one week could cause such awful angst and sadness is one * of an insight for me – but I am glad that I am starting to be able to let the feelings in because for the last 2 years, I've been adamant that I've had no feelings whatsoever about the breaks.... Clearly my unhelpful defence mechanisms are starting to thaw – and that is progress.

Anyway, thank again everyone. I am sure there will be much more where that came from!

[Twinkletoes]

23 February

Last night I went out for a "date" with my lovely other half. Conversation somehow found it's way to friendships and one friend in particular. Or should I say, Ex-friend.

Last August I cut ties with one of my closest friends after a particularly brutal verbal attack.  It was the last in a very long line of them but this time I just had enough.

She wasn't a typically "nice" person. She did sometimes do and say some awful things, un-PC things, shocking things.  I had learnt to laugh them off, shrug them off or just roll my eyes at her and shake my head.  Don't get me wrong, I did tell her she was wrong – countless times but it always fell on deaf ears and I didn't want to always spend my time telling her what she should and shouldn't say or do.  That was up to her.

Anyway, cutting to the chase – I've been without said ex-friend now for about 5 months. We had been very close friends, at least in my eyes, for about 8 years. I miss her sometimes and particularly when I've had a glass of vino like last night or when I'm feeling lonely.

I don't have many friends. I have some friends and I have my boyfriend and step-kids, but the horrible, hard truth is that ex-friend and my mother are both very narcissistic: I've "lost" them both recently, or so it seems.

Actually, I don't think I should say lost because it's been my choice – what would the right word be?  I'm leaning to remove the negative things and people from my life. Both of these women hurt me over and over again, for years and I just used to let it happen. I'm not actually sure I even knew it was wrong at the time.

Trying to explain to my boyfriend that despite her/their horrible ways and the many ways she/they hurt me and knocked me down time and time again, I did love her and I did get something from our friendship, but it's like persuading someone that Hannibal Lecter was a nice guy!!

I miss having someone I could go out with once every few weeks and have a drink with, talk rubbish with – connect with (although looking back, I guess it wasn't an authentic connection) and just relax with.

I know deep down, I can't have really relaxed, not properly, because I was always on guard for an attack or at least repairing the attacks she spat at the bar staff or innocent people sat nearby.

Realising that ex-friend and mother are exactly the same is still a shock sometimes.  You know the kind of thing that you know, but you get reminded and it's like you've just realised all over again?

The fact that I accepted and loved both these people for so long still hurts me. How was I so blind for so long? And now I can "see" how can I miss someone so bad for me?

Another example of the inevitable pain that comes with recovery I guess. Newly educated, logical mind tells you that "X" is bad. Old mind wants what is "normal" and misses it's old creature comforts – be that abusive or not.  Perhaps it is fear of the unknown or maybe it's just that familiar is comfortable, whether it's good for you or not.

It's our default position and that is what we are fighting against all the time in recovery.  Fighting against repetition compulsion.

Weirdly, I've noticed that I never want to text or call my mother anymore. Never. I guess I've replaced her with my new "good mother" – the therapist.

The journey continues....

[Twinkletoes]

24 February

The definition of object constancy, according to one of my favourite sites for C-PTSD is "An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision"

As I understand it, a lack of object constancy is a result of insecure attachments to caregivers when we are young. It means that those who suffer from a lack of object constancy are kinda stuck at that development stage, having never successfully managed to pass through it.  At that age (about 2 or 3), when your caregivers leave, you are naturally frightened, sad and worried that they will be gone forever, but with any luck, you have a decent caregiver who models to you time and time again, that they will return and so you manage to learn that you don't need to worry – that said caregiver is still "there" somewhere and will return.  You learn to self-sooth and use your internalized image until they return to comfort you again. You gain "object constancy".

Unfortunately when you don't have a decent caregiver like moi, you don't learn that and so when someone isn't around, you still feel those infantile feelings of abandonment, panic, fear and/or anger and you begin to question whether that relationship even exists anymore. This is what causes the panic, the clinginess, the jealousy and can drive our partners crazy.  It is what makes us feel "needy" when we compare ourselves to others who don't suffer from a lack of object constancy. Having a lack of object constancy makes us insecure – literally.  For example, if my boyfriend is out and doesn't contact me all day – I won't automatically think that he is just busy and will contact me later.  No, obviously he doesn't love me anymore, is planning to leave me or worse – is dead!! Dramatic isn't it?

Learning about this has really helped me because now when I get these feelings and thoughts, the adult part of me can (try to) calm myself down. Easier said than done I must say, just see Emotional Flashback? for proof that I can't think my way out of the feelings, but it does help to understand that I'm not "crazy". God how hard I used to try to be "casual" and "calm" in relationships – I tried so hard to be the laid back girlfriend that boys wanted but eventually my true colours would come glaring out – usually after a few vinos and that was not a pretty sight believe me!!   The worst thing about this is that when I eventually unleashed the crazy, it was the beginning of the end in my relationships and so my worst fears would then be realised – da daaaaaa!! It's a wonder I'm in therapy isn't it?

Anyway, I've been thinking today about all this object constancy stuff in relation to this therapy break... I think this explains a lot for me. It explains why I felt so awful on Monday. She was gone physically so to me, having a lack of object constancy, she was gone forever. That brought all my feelings of panic, abandonment, terror and grief flooding back.  I've since calmed down because I can reasonably talk myself down to a degree, knowing that she will be back, just like she has every single time before.  The logical stuff can work to a degree, but poor Little Twink, she couldn't rationalise that way could she?  She didn't have a good role model like T showing her this stuff and she didn't have a "good enough mother" either.

I guess that the fact I can't "hold someone in mind" positively for very long is probably why I assume nobody can hold me in mind either?  That would make sense.  Clearly I am painting everyone with the same brush!! I did think this morning that Monday was particularly awful but since then I've been okay. I don't know if I've just gone into "self-sufficient mode" because I've repressed any feelings since or whether I've genuinely been able to calm myself down enough with this logical thinking (or if that is even how it works?).  I also thought that although I'm okay, I am looking forward to next Tuesday and that I would absolutely hate it if I no longer had therapy with her anymore.  I also admit (cringing) that it does feel like she is no longer alive when she isn't here... and that I will be anxious when I wake up on Tuesday – what I am nervous of I have absolutely no idea!!

This is another one of those things that I knew already – but know a bit more today.

T is re-parenting me by constantly showing me that she will return – like, I guess, most people will in this world. .....Just not my mother.

[Twinkletoes]

27 February

I started drafting this about 2 hours ago.  It was feeling very confused, but since typing it all out, I seem to have made some sense of it.  This is what I love about writing and about blogging. It helps me to un-jumble all the chaotic thoughts and organise them a little better.

It's Monday 27th February today and I have called in sick at work. I woke up early this morning with such a pounding headache.  That and the familiar sense of sadness.  I hate that feeling. It is so obvious even when you've only been awake for seconds and you know the likelihood is, it isn't going anywhere for at least the rest of the day.  Not a nice start to the day, or the week!

The thing is though, tomorrow happens to be "Return To Therapy" day and so I don't think it is a huge coincidence that I feel like this.  I often have a lot of physical responses to therapy stuff (read: feelings).

Tomorrow will be the first session back after 12 days.  Today is day 11 (obviously) and yes, I have been counting! On the whole, I've done okay. Last Sunday and Monday were pretty awful, but since then I seem to have been in "adult functioning" mode and have been able to get on with life and not feel that sense of doom and panic that I had.

An hour or so ago, I re-read the post from last Monday and I cried. It felt as though it got me back in touch with those feelings again. I wonder if I am a bit regressed today. I think Little Twink is around.

All I have wanted for the last 11 days is to be back in there with her, so you would think today I would be excited and happy wouldn't you? But no. I feel weird. I feel anxious, nervous even, and physically my head is banging so hard it's like a door knocker!

What am I nervous about?
•Am I scared she will have changed?
•Am I scared it will all be a big anti-climax?
•Am I scared she will extend her break at the last minute?
•Am I scared of overwhelming her with all the stored up needs from the last 12 days?
•Am I scared of admitting how needy I've felt and telling her the real feelings I've had?

I think given how easily that list was to write, the answer is probably yes to all of them.

It has made me question whether this is how I felt as a child when my mum was due back from one of her latest holidays. Did I feel nervous then? I can't remember.  One thing I do remember is that she would be really "nice" for a little while and then everything would go back to normal and that seemed to hurt more than if she had stayed the same.  I guess it was that bit of hope that things were different at last ... and then that sense of utter devastation that nothing was different at all  would hit. And it hurt like *.

I don't think that bit applies to therapy though, because I don't want anything to change and she doesn't need to be "nicer" than normal, because she isn't like that.  Maybe old habits die hard?

This cocktail of feelings is unnerving. The mixture of anticipation, excitement, panic, dread – it is horrible.

I have read on the net today that lots of people feel angry towards their T on the return to therapy. Anger for having left them alone or anger as a defense to their painful feelings of abandonment. I don't feel angry.  T has often told me that it is okay to feel angry feelings about her and that it is natural but consciously at least, I have none. Maybe unconsciously I do? Who know's?

I have known for the last 11 days that today would bring these feelings of anxiety and nervousness, so it's nothing I didn't predict already. I've felt this way before.

I have tried to intellectualize my way out of this today and it has helped a little – I know that isn't a good thing really, but it helps me to feel the feelings with less shame. It at least stops me from denying them completely.

For anyone who hasn't watched The Strange Situation,who struggles with these feelings, give it a watch now, it is incredible. It models attachment styles in babies beautifully. It reminds me that a lot of these feelings are all due to my particular attachment style which is either anxious or disorganised. T says I flip between the two.

With that in mind, I can appreciate that it is transference making me feel this way today.

Because of my attachment style I experience a really high amount of distress when I am not with my caregiver (therapist).  I can't soothe myself well and I therefore stay hyper-vigilant whilst she is gone.  When she returns, I remain just as fired-up because I don't know what I am going to get. The good mother or the bad mother.  I guess that does link in with my memory from childhood actually doesn't it? How long will the niceness last? How long until I have to feel the same again? I guess that is why I have often gone back to therapy after a break with "no feelings" and nothing to discuss, because if you want to keep your caregiver good after they've been away, you keep any "bad" feelings away don't you? You stay good.

That isn't going to work tomorrow because I have a whole host of feelings ready to take to her.  I guess THAT is what is making me anxious.

[Twinkletoes]

1 March

Hey guys.

So I went back to therapy last night! It was.. what was it? It was lots of things.

This is a (lengthy) post about how it went. I'm not sure it will be of much interest or use to anyone else but I want to post it because it helps me to process the session and it is good for me to be able to look back on it.

I was very nervous about going back last night. The anxiety had really set in as I pulled up outside her house. I didn't know what to say to her, what she would ask me or how I would feel. I kept trying to decide what things I would tell her and in what order – trying to plan the structure of the session I guess. I had printed off my blogs during the break and thought I would take them in with me.

First of all, I decided to make myself tell her the two things I wrote about at the very beginning of the break.

Challenge 1: Tell her that I have a blog and that I hadn't felt I could tell her before the break.

I told her that I had something to tell her and that I should have told her before the break, but that I hadn't. She questioned whether I had wanted to tell her but hadn't got to it and I said no, I hadn't wanted to tell her at the time, but had since written about it and had decided that I should tell her.  She reacted well. She didn't seem shocked or hurt and she reassured me that she would never go looking for my blog if I was worried about her invading my privacy.  I said it wasn't that.

I told her that during the break I figured it was because whenever I started anything new or exciting, my mum would always ruin it and so I think I was trying to "keep it safe".  I also told her about my little Freudian slip, but it seems that she hadn't noticed anyway.  I also told her that when she asked if I write things in my "journal", that I don't tell her – I had lied when I said no.  She understood and said it is scary.  She also said that it must have been hard having to "hold" that all of that time.

Challenge 2: Tell her that she had upset me with her joke about the Easter Break.

This is the thing I was dreading the most.

I decided to force myself to tell her that her joke about not telling me her Easter holiday dates had upset me. She said it nicely and as a joke – I think to cheer me up! but it had played on my mind and upset me a bit.

She apologised (quite a few times actually) and she also said that she didn't think she had meant it as a joke – that she genuinely was concerned that her Easter holiday would be coming up quickly and as this February holiday wasn't one she normally took off, they would be very close together. Either way, it lead to a helpful discussion that we would, in her words, "need to be creative about the Easter break" and that we would need to "think about it carefully".

I'm not entirely sure what she meant by this, but I perceived it to mean that we would need to discuss things to help during the break. Maybe contact or maybe a transitional object or something.  I don't know.

It led to a discussion about transitional objects though, which I had secretly been thinking about for a while but never had the guts to ask for.  She said she thinks perhaps we should think about that and I agreed (I shocked myself!) and I asked her what she thought would help?  She said that she would be "guided" by me. I would rather I was guided by her, but I got the point.

She told me that when she was in therapy herself, her T used to "charge up" a scarf for her and then let her have it.  I love it when she tells me things from her own therapy.  I like to know things about her and I only get very small snippets now and again. She also explained to me that the reason she was telling me that was to normalise it for me a bit – I told her I found it very useful and it definitely helped to normalise the feelings.

So the two scary challenges were over. Breatheeeee.

I then told her I had printed all of my blogs and I read them all to her. Some parts of them were pretty cringe... some parts I didn't like reading out at all, but the hardest bit was reading out Emotional Flashback? – Jesus that was tough.

I sobbed my way through it. I shocked myself how easily I got back in touch with those feelings. I cried a lot, my shoulders and back started to hurt which often happens when I am stressed. I was hot, my chest became very tight, I couldn't breathe.. it really was very tough. It is hard to articulate.

She was great though and she sat with me through it all. I noticed that I couldn't look at her because I felt very embarrassed.  She said things to calm and reassure me like how she was there with me, that she was there now – we were together now, that kind of thing.  It was probably the most vulnerable I've felt with her to date. The good thing is, nothing I said seemed to shock her. Nothing seemed to annoy her or upset her – she just seemed.... compassionate I suppose? She told me that my words had "moved" her.

At one point in the session, she told me that although there was a lot of replay being done and transference etc, that the feelings were still real. She told me that she does care for me (I can't remember the words she used). I felt embarrassed by her words and couldn't look at her. She has never told me she has any feelings for me before and despite hoping she did, hearing her say the words was lovely but oh so awkward! I felt a lump in my throat which luckily I managed to swallow down.

After that was out of the way, I read Object Constancy which was pretty cringe-worthy as it did mention that when she's gone, it feels like she is dead.......... LOL!! But she didn't seem particularly surprised, or hurt, so that was a relief.

The other blogs were a lot easier to read. We spoke them through and at the end she told me how I really had worked very hard. I really liked that she acknowledged this because I had worked hard.

The hour flew by, I hate how quickly a therapy hour goes, but I think I crammed everything in I needed – I would have hated to have finished having only got some of it out. I'm not sure how that would have felt.

When I left, I wasn't really sure how I felt. I drove home and felt tired – I think I felt emotionally drained, which I often do after crying like that.

I had an interesting dream last night which is very clearly about her and the divide between her "therapy room" and her home.  I think this was because we had discussed whether it is better for me to know where she is/what she is doing when on a break or not.

I said I wasn't sure because in one way it was easier knowing she was at home and not miles away: yet at the same time it was harder because she was close, but not available to me. [For context, she had time off to get some work done to her house and in the dream I went into her house and she asked me if I liked her new decorations. I said I did, but I was lying because I hadn't turned the light on and so I couldn't see!].

If you've made it this far, then thanks and well done!

Ah thank you so much for that lovely comment! It made me smile as I read it. It's a hard thing feeling proud of yourself but I guess I am! It was scary and I'm a little nervous to see her again this afternoon because we will no doubt discuss it all.. ahh!! Anyway, thank you xx

[Twinkletoes]

3 March

Yesterday T mentioned something about erotic transference and said that I might experience this. I looked at her as though she was talking another language.

Why would I have erotic feelings towards her? a woman when I am straight?

Then I panicked that she might think I was defending myself too much and tried to calm down the shock that was clearly radiating off of me.  Agghhhh! (the problems of allowing yourself to be analysed!).

She explained to me that erotic transference is a perfectly normal part of the process for some people and that it is nothing to be scared of. I said that I've read about it, but it isn't something I've felt and said that I can't imagine I would. I told her that I thought erotic transference only applied to male/female therapist and patient but it appears not.

T explained to me that erotic transference actually stems from infantile feelings of desire. Being seen, heard, held, accepted, soothed etc, but that because we are adults we view the feelings as being adult sexual feelings, rather than the innocent "love" feelings that a child would have.

I've done some research on this today and from what I have understood, it's the intoxication of finally feeling noticed and understood instead of feeling rejected – which is what a lot of us in psychotherapy have felt our whole lives. That feeling becomes addictive and we want more – we feel special to our therapist and we want them for ourselves. We don't want to share them with other clients or with their family and that "love" can lead to the erotic transference mentioned above.  Apparently it is the desire in you for love in general – not actually the person who is giving you the love and that is what you work through in therapy when/if erotic transference takes place.

T said that if this happens, I should just "enjoy" the feeling and not be scared by it.  The first thought I had when she said this to me was "wow, that must be super weird for you".  Knowing her clients might have (what they deem) as sexual feelings towards her... that would creep me the f out!  I guess that is one of many reasons I am this side of the couch!

Then T said something which has stuck with me ever since.

"I think it is highly likely you will experience this given the way your therapy is going".

The way my therapy is going? How is my therapy going? What does that mean?

The insecure part of me has decided that she thinks I am hopelessly insecure – highly attached in a way that I shouldn't be and all other sorts of negative things.

The adult part of me is trying to wrestle with the child part to say that as I've just said, heard and read, this is normal. It is part of the process which many other people go through. Still, it stings a little bit and I hate that because it makes me feel immature.

It has taken me nearly 3 years to accept that I need her. To accept that I am attached to her and that she helps to regulate me.  The thought of being sexually attracted to her – of having any kind of fantasy about wanting to be sexual with her makes me feel VERY uncomfortable. I don't want that to happen. I see her as my replacement (better) "good mother" nothing else.

T said to me that it depends on "where the injury first took place".  I asked her what age she thought that was for me and she said she thought right back to the womb.  She said this is why she thinks it is more likely that I will experience this because back then, you should experience things like being cradled in the safety of the womb, being born and having your mother stare happily into your eyes as she feeds you, smiling at you because you are a wonderful creation.  But if you don't experience these lovely things, you have unconscious feelings and intense longings which you think you can have met with the therapist, but you think these unconscious needs are sexual desires.

Isn't it odd that I can understand this on a logical level but still not accept its probability, or possibility, within my own therapy? Perhaps I am being overly defensive after all!

[Twinkletoes]

5 March 

I have been inspired to write a blog about self-awareness due to the fact that I've suddenly become aware that during my time in therapy, I have started to experience feelings that I had never fully felt or experienced before.

I imagine that might sound a bit odd to some of you reading this, right?  You may be thinking that everyone has feelings.  Well, that would be true, however when I went into therapy, I would have described myself as an emotional person and I was to find out that actually, I was very emotionally repressed.

To date I've been in therapy for about 2 and a half years and have only recently been able to cry in therapy. Ironically, the first time I cried was due to my sheer frustration of not being able to cry in therapy! Go figure.

For those of you who are familiar with my blog, I have also only just felt the pain of my therapist taking a break and boy it hurt. It hurt me on a deep level and I felt like a 5-year-old child who had lost her mother.

Despite the pain, it has opened my eyes to lots of things and one of those things which I was thinking about today was that I am really beginning to become emotionally aware.  Self-aware.

I am gradually identifying my feelings – be that sadness, joy, fear, embarrassment or anger. I am gradually becoming able to accept that I have these feelings and not shame myself, fear them and push them away.

When I started to get in touch with my feelings, they hit me like a tidal wave. I was convinced I would drown in them. They felt extremely dangerous to me.  Dangerous and unnatural.  Weirdly I didn't understand at the time that what I was scared of was just being able to "feel". I thought I was severely depressed. My feelings came (still come to a degree) in waves. Intense waves where I can be okay one day and completely floored the next.  That was alarming to say the least. I wasn't sure I could survive some of these waves.

When this started to happen, (roughly October 2016), T used to tell me that I needed to try to find a way to "tolerate the feelings".  A phrase I repeat back to myself now when I am feeling overwhelmed.  Tolerating my feelings was a huge challenge for me.  Being able to stay with the feelings – feel them – was not an easy task.

In retrospect, it makes sense and before I started on my journey to heal myself, it was actually an effective defense mechanism.  Feeling those painful, scary feelings really could have caused me some serious problems back then when I was a child and had nobody to help me work through them, understand them or comfort me in my pain. I did the safest thing by repressing them in order to cope with my unfortunate reality.  However as an adult, being emotionally repressed doesn't serve you well at all. I no longer need this defense, I need to break that old, now maladaptive behaviour and like any change, it is painful!

T helped me to identify how I was feeling by noticing my body's physical cues.  I often get headaches and heartburn. I also suffered with what I thought was IBS for years.  T recommended a book to me called "Your Body Speaks The Mind" by Deb Shapiro.  That book has sat on my bedside cabinet for the last year or so and has been a great way to help me listen to my body and figure out how I am feeling.  The book helps you to  connect your physical pains with your emotional state. I really recommend it to anyone who struggles to identify their feelings.

Another way that I started to get in touch with my feelings was to listen to my inner dialogue.  We all have one. I had never been aware of mine before, but if you listen, you have constant internal chat inside your head. It might be as simple as turning your nose up at a programme when flicking through the Sky planner or thinking how you like someone's outfit as they walk past you on the street.  Our internal dialogue cane really help us to understand what goes on inside.

For me, my inner dialogue wasn't my friend. I refer to this as my inner critic (work by Pete Walker again!) because it was indeed a critic. I used to berate myself for any negative feelings. I used to call myself all sorts of horrible names. On reflection, a lot of these names were internalised from my mother, but I didn't understand that overnight. I have worked a lot using terms such as "inner child" and "inner critic" and found them very useful. Thinking of my sad or fearful feelings in terms of being my "inner child" makes it possible for me to be kind to myself. It helps me to be sympathetic towards myself for the reasons that I feel this way. I basically try to give my "inner child" what any child might need if they were feeling that way. I try and be who I needed when I was young.  I know this sounds a bit weird if you're not familiar with these terms (or if they are not your "thing") but it really has worked for me! Each to your own, eh?

Sometimes I can identify how I might be feeling by certain habits.  For example, often if I am struggling with sadness I will want to sleep a lot. If I am angry, I might become snappy and impatient with my boyfriend or with his children for silly things that wouldn't normally be a problem.   Another habit that I've recently become aware of is that I seem to shop/spend money or eat a lot.  This is all very much a work in progress but at least I am becoming aware of the habits I guess.

I won't go on much longer but I just wanted to write and say that becoming aware of all these feelings that have been repressed for my entire life is journey like no other. I don't think I can find the words to explain that fully. It is a deeply painful yet deeply moving and insightful journey of self-discovery.  It is a journey that I am amazed I even needed to take. I guess when you are that good at repression, it takes a while to realise that you are even repressed.. does that even make sense?

Emotional self-awareness is good for you. It is good for your psychological health, your physical health, for your relationships, your decisions, everything.  It helps us to be empathetic and compassionate to others  and to ourselves. If you can learn to be self-aware, you can begin to develop a strong sense of self which is something that I cannot wait to have.

I hope this has given you some food for thought about your own emotional self-awareness. Do you allow yourself to fully feel your feelings, good and bad? Do you have an inner critic? Do you listen to your inner chatter and do you have any habits when you are angry, sad or fearful?

[Twinkletoes]

TODAY

What does the end of therapy look like? What will I look like? Feel like?

It is hard at the moment to imagine living a life without therapy in it. Without T in it. I live in a constant state of self-reflection and I am constantly reading and learning new things therapy related. I guess in a weird way, therapy gives me a sense of purpose. A lot of my energy goes into thinking about my therapeutic journey.

I have already learnt so much on my journey. It has been the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It has been the most scary, painful but life-changing thing I've ever done. I wouldn't go back and change a single thing. In fact, I've turned into one of those annoying preacher types who wants to try to encourage everyone to give it a go – I want to share the joy it can bring in finally being seen and heard. It is hard to put into words the gratitude I have for this journey of mine (see preaching again!).

On this journey you don't really see how far you have come until you stop and look back. My blog yesterday made me realise how far I have come in terms of my own emotional awareness – the discovery of my feelings and emotions and the ways I try to drown them out or cover them up. Learning to recognise them and not be scared of them. Learning to "Tolerate" them as T would say. But what else? I have been validated and for me I think that is one of the most healing things of all.

I started therapy feeling like life just happened to me. I just seemed to be in this world  as a spectator, watching life happen to everyone else.  Life was tough. It was hard and unsatisfying. I felt kind of deadened. I always had a very clear sense that I was broken or faulty somehow and lots of things seemed to back that feeling up.  My mum didn't seem to love me, my dad was absent from my life, friends would come and go, boyfriends would betray me – relationships were hard work. There was always a lot of drama and a lot of tears. That feeling of not understanding was painful.

I understood that I was very insecure. I didn't understand why – it was just another one of my faults, I thought. I wanted so badly to be confident, to be secure and laid back. I wanted so much to be loved and understood. I kept ruining relationships and every time another one ended, I felt more and more shame.

I finally took myself to see T in early 2013. I remember very clearly sitting in her office and telling her about my family. I spoke non-stop (nothing new there) for the majority of the hour and told her in very minimal detail about all the big life events – house moves, step parents, abuse to me, domestic abuse to my mum.  I didn't have any emotion to the story I told, but I didn't recognise that then.  I remember coming away and thinking "corr, that was a lot of stuff to have happened actually" but that was it and I got on with my day.  I couldn't really believe that I was in therapy.  Therapy was for people who were really mentally unwell wasn't it? (judgmental, I know).

Fast-forward about 5 months and I quit therapy because I got a new boyfriend and I decided that I didn't need therapy anymore. I told myself that it was just my ex-boyfriend that had made me insecure and the new one promised he wouldn't make me feel like that. So I quit and I am ashamed to say, that I didn't do it very nicely. I sent a few texts to tell her I wasn't coming back and then I hid. I ignored her phone calls and messages trying to encourage me to stay, or to at least see her once more. I didn't want to go and I think partly that was because I knew I needed to be there and was running away and partly because I was embarrassed at how immature I was in leaving this way.  That was that.

About another 5 or 6 months later, a friend was killed in a case of mistaken identity. It affected me a lot and I was crying for weeks so I emailed to see if T would see me again. I was worried what she would think of me but I went anyway.  Weirdly we didn't seem to talk that much about my friend.  She didn't seem as warm as I remembered.  I thought she was probably annoyed with me.  I told her that I didn't need to start therapy again, I just wanted a couple of sessions to talk about my friend, but she didn't seem to be happy with that.  She told me that therapy was a commitment and I was either invested in this process for the long-haul, or I wasn't.  I said that I wasn't sure and she told me to think about it. We scheduled a session for the day after Boxing Day and she told me to let her know if I wanted to keep that appointment or not.  On Christmas Day or thereabouts, I decided I didn't need it and so text her to say thank you but that I was okay.  That was that (again!).

In May 2015 I started (another) new relationship with my current partner and things were looking up. He seemed to be more genuine and more committed than previous boyfriends had.   He was slightly older and had children and I felt much safer in this relationship which was lovely. However it wasn't drama-free (obviously) because he came with an angry ex-wife and children and that never makes for smooth running. Add to that, the fact that I had broken it off with the last boyfriend for this guy (I know, not a classy move and not one that I am proud of).  With all this drama came yet more insecurity that he would leave me to go back to his ex-wife, jealousy of their shared past, jealousy and feeling left out when he saw his children at weekends (before I met them a year later),being kept a secret... it was hard.  One day we went for lunch and I was feeling particularly upset because he had told me that he missed his children. I had taken that to mean that he missed his previous life (not just his children) and he sat me down and told me that he loved me, that he wasn't going anywhere BUT.. (always a but!) BUT that he couldn't handle this constant insecurity and doubt that I had.  I decided right then and there that I really did need to go to therapy and stick it out.  I emailed her the next day and made an appointment to see her.  From then, to now, I haven't ran away again and it has now been 2.5 years of consistent work.

When I went back to her she gave me a pretty stern talking to about how this wasn't something she could keep doing with me coming and going and that I really needed to knuckle down and do this. I knew she was right. I felt like I had been told off by a teacher and felt embarrassed, but I knew I couldn't keep running. I wanted to feel better once and for all.  I think I knew it was my last chance with her.

Only a few sessions in she asked me if I knew what narcissism was. I said no. She told me that she thought my mother was extremely narcissistic and that she could even have NPD.  She told me to go home and read about it.  That was another life-changing moments that I will never forget. I went home and typed into Google about narcissism and saw pages and pages of articles written about my mum (or so it seemed). It was rather shocking.  Following this revelation I was ecstatic.  I know that sounds weird, but I felt a huge weight lift off of me. It really was her. It wasn't me! I wasn't inherently broken and faulty after all!!

The joy didn't last long however and I was soon crying constantly for the best part of a week. I then began to experience panic attacks.  One during the middle of the night when I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. One the following day on the train home from work and another a week or so after that at home.  I had never had a panic attack before so it was a very scary thing to happen. T didn't seem particularly worried or surprised. I suddenly had so many feelings, thoughts, emotions and I didn't know what to do with them.  That was the start of a very long (on-going journey) into learning all about narcissism and from there, gradually, very gradually, I have been able to start to talk about things my mother did or said to me growing up with the intellectual understanding that it really wasn't my fault.  Again the feelings took a very long time to integrate to these stories.

During my time in therapy to date, I have written many letters. I have written a letter to my own inner child. I have written to my father (3 or 4 versions of that have been typed over a few years, and one has now been given to him !).  Many letters to my mother – none of which have been sent, or ever will be sent to her. They are extremely painful to write, but are very healing. Writing really gets me in touch with the feelings.The words seem to just fly out like they've been sitting there waiting to escape.

I have my father back in my life now after many years apart.  We don't see each other very often, but there is contact and we see each other every month or so, which is a huge change.

I have gone LC (low contact) with my mother.  I've emotionally distanced myself from her in a huge way and have managed to loosen myself from her tight, deadly grip which has brought with it it's own challenges. She now feels as though I have betrayed her and I am still struggling with carrying a lot of guilt which doesn't really belong to me – I am working on that.  I am still scared of putting my own healthy boundaries in as though I will be severely punished.  I need to really believe that I am safe now.

I have yet to deal with my sexual abuse in any real way... it has been brought up a few times over the years in therapy but T seems to think that I use him/it as a bit of a scapegoat for my unclaimed anger towards my mother. We have spoken about how my mother should have protected me more and how and why I didn't tell her at the time. I went into therapy thinking this was the main cause of my "issues" but it feels as though T disagrees. I do too, now.

I've spoken about the domestic abuse I've witnessed towards my mother and how that has impacted on me, on my feelings about anger and authority and men.

I have learnt about narcissism, attachment patterns, golden child/scapegoats, object constancy, C-PTSD, "triggers" and regression, the conscious and unconscious mind, repression, denial, projection, relationship triangles, repetition compulsion.  The therapeutic relationship and transference.. about dissociation.  About vulnerability and dependency and much more.

Most importantly, I have finally been able to experience a secure attachment (well, nearly) to my T.  I accept now that I need her to be okay. I miss her when she is gone.  I hang on to her every word. I can allow myself to be pre-occupied with her at times. I use her to steady myself, to mirror me. I need her attunement.  I internalize her words to carry with me when she is not there.  I am learning how to keep that connection alive when she is not – slowly but surely. I am being re-parented by her at nearly 30 years old because it wasn't done properly when I was a child. I am understanding the losses, grieving them so they lose their hold over me.

I can see the improvement in me even if others can't.  Although close friends and my boyfriend have told me various ways they have seen improvements.  I am safe in the knowledge that it helps me, that it is continuing to help me every day.

Right now, I never want it to end.  But one day it will and that will only happen when I am 100% ready.  I am curious as to how life will feel when I am "self-actualized" and whole.  I am so excited that one day I might get a chance to be who I could have been if I hadn't been through all the sh*t I went through.  I won't have to live just getting by each day. I won't have to live feeling broken or faulty or ashamed. My past will not define me.

What better payback is there to your abusers than to not just survive, but to thrive on your own ? I am going to become the person they tried to keep me from becoming. The person they very nearly managed to kill off inside of me. I will become my truest, realist, strongest and happiest self. My best self!

Won't that day be bloody beautiful?

[sanmagic7]

twink, it's so good to have you back again.  what a roller coaster ride you've been through during this time!

i understand at a gut level what your t is saying about 'erotic' feelings.  if we think of babies being born, they come out through the vagina - a very erotic spot as far as adults are concerned, but simply a passageway to life as far as babies are concerned.  babies are bathed by adults, including the touching of all their 'private' parts, which, again, as adults are erotic zones, but in the care of the baby are simply part of the body that need to be bathed.  if babies are nursed, there is the whole breast thing going on - a very different concept as adults than as babies. 

so, when a baby is experiencing the touching and handling of all these, what would be erotic parts in an adult to adult relationship,  babies often bathe with parents - all the parts of both adult and child are part of the experience.  if the touching and handling is careful and soothing, it is a pleasurable experience, something that is part of the baby's intrinsic development to be experienced, enjoyed, and moved on from.  there always comes a time when the child begins to assert his/her attendance to their own cleanliness, don't suckle at the breast anymore, don't bathe with adults.  this is a natural progression.

in the transference process in therapy, i think what your t is talking about is that you didn't get those caring, soothing touches, from your mom, at least not on a regular basis, so if a client is looking at the therapist as a mother figure, and that little child/baby part has not healed yet because of missing out on those experiences, those feelings can come up.  perfectly natural, nothing sexual in an adult way, just that baby who had been denied that when it was appropriate is trying to get those natural needs met in the process at hand.

they may come, but they will also leave as you continue moving forward, healing all your parts that had been denied what they had needed and deserved a long time ago.  it's all part of the process of healing all of you so that every part can be integrated into the full adult mode that is twink's goal in therapy.  i hope this makes sense.  it is my opinion of how this happens to us.

my own experience was that i didn't get enough caring, soothing, affectionate touch from my parents since i was very little, and i looked for it everywhere i could find it as i was growing up.  i was always the one who was 'touchy' - putting a friendly arm around a shoulder, touching an arm, hand, shoulder, holding hands - touching something on another person.  my icky t told me that i was trying to make others feel good by doing that, but she was wrong.  i was trying to make myself feel good.  that type of good feeling for myself only came from touching others.  i was one of those bereft of emotions, so this was my way of being able to feel 'good'. 

your blogs are insightful, intelligent, vulnerable, and sometimes painfully honest.  kudos to you, dear twink, for the courage you're showing in moving forward to conquer this beast we call c-ptsd.  you are a shining example of what it takes - the hard work, the determination, the vigilance, the observation, the self-reflection, and all the rest - to keep moving forward.  you go, girl!