Twink's Journal

[Twinkletoes]

Ah sanmagic, you made me cry!!!! Thank you so much for your amazing words. How touching.  The words you used to describe me at the end of your post have really touched me deep within me somewhere and made me feel emotional!! (in a good way!).  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I didn't want or expect you to have to read all of that! I just felt I should update my journey on here as I had been neglecting it due to the new blogging experience.  Thank you for the feedback of my blogging entries, it is hard to know if you are doing okay! I am fighting against feeling stupid compared to some of the things I read on there where people sound so intellectual compared to me!

Thank you for your opinion on erotic transference - you have made total and complete sense to me and now I don't feel half as scared about it happening as I did. You really do have a way with words you know?! I get it completely.... the only thing I guess that is left a little unanswered for me is that obviously in the therapy relationship/transference there is no physical touch - I completely get the craving for the experience on an emotional level though and think I am already in touch with that with T. I have come to realise quite how dependant I've become on her.

I am sad and sorry to hear that you didn't get any affectionate touch from your parents either. I completely get what you say about how you used your own touch to "fill that hole" so to speak. I think I did the same in terms of having constant relationships, sometimes one after the other, sometimes overlapping right back from being at school - I think I was constantly searching for physical touch, holding and acceptance which I now understand could never have come from a man (boy).

Thank you again for being here for me on this journey. I feel quite emotional about it today and yesterday - I feel quite aware of how amazingly special this opportunity to heal is. I feel so much gratitude that I have found my way to T and get the chance to be seen, heard, held in mind, understood on an intimate level and many, many more things that I missed out on. I feel weirdly emotional about it all, I don't know why!! weird, but lovely.

x

[sanmagic7]

yeah, i had a lot of sex with different partners just for the 'touch' part, and to feel attractive and a woman - all that was really denied to me by my dad.  so, i kept looking elsewhere for it.

i understand what you're saying about the lack of actual touch in your relationship with your t.  i don't have much of that in my life at this point, either.  i think (hope) i've gotten to the point that it is what it is.  i'm still a hugger, and do hug people whenever i can, so i guess i fulfill some of that longing that way.  i don't know that it'll ever go completely away.  i'll be hitting 70 this year, and i can't picture myself as a little old lady who doesn't care about that stuff anymore, ever.  so, i guess i'll have to play it out, see what happens.

i'm doing pretty good today, thanks for asking.  did a couple of errands.  my specialist appt. is thurs., so i'm hoping i don't have to go out for anything tomorrow, but can just take the day for and by myself.   it's like preparing for what's going to happen thurs. - a 3 hr. bus ride, sit and wait till the doc gets around to me, then 3 hrs. bus ride home.  all in all, it'll be more than 12 hrs. just for a doc appt.  it's an ordeal, to be sure.  but, i'll get thru it.  that's the beauty(?) of living in a small mexican town. 

honey, you sound brilliant.  we all sound ourselves here, is how i look at it.  no one better or worse.  people come through just the way they're meant to when they write here.  some are more emotional than others, some know bigger words, some are more earthy.  there's no comparison to be made.  you are good enough just the way you are.  you're coherent, you get your ideas across, and you sound personal.  as far as i'm concerned, that's as good as it gets.

keep taking care of you, twink.  i'm doing the same.  love and hugs.

[Twinkletoes]

Session Tuesday 7th March 2017 - another copied post from my bog (unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com)

When I walked into T's room last night the first thing I noticed was the lovely smell. I told T that it smelt nice and she told me that she had a new candle. I said "Ah! see, I noticed!" – I do not know why I felt the need to say that. Bit cringe really... but I put it down to how awkward I feel the first minute or so of therapy.

I always feel a bit uncomfortable at the fact that she is watching me as I walk in, take off my coat, gather myself. There is a bit of a pause where I never know what to do and then she (eventually ) asks me "How is Twink?".  This is a phrase she has always used and something that I've always noticed.  Normally people say "how are you".  I'm not sure why I've always noticed that so much.  Perhaps it is the use of my name or something?

I told her that I was good! I was smiling and happy. I then started to say that I felt very happy and that I had been reflecting a lot on my journey to date and felt... something.. I wasn't sure what the right word is [Note that I did know the word, because I wrote it in my blog yesterday and that word was "moved" but I felt embarrassed saying that].  She said that perhaps since she is back I am able to use her as a secure base and it allows me to feel more supported and steady.  I agreed and said definitely.

T explained to me that by the end of therapy, I would have built a new attachment pattern "next to" the insecure one.... I thought "What??" Next to?? Not instead of??" I didn't like the sound of that and so I questioned that and asked if she meant I would always have that insecure attachment?  She said yes, because you can't forget what you know – you can't forget that you've been through trauma or abused etc. but that the new relationship with T will build a new pattern which will lay next to the insecure one and I will be able to trip to that so to speak.  That was a shame but I guess it makes sense.

She said that she felt since I had started going twice a week rather than once a week, it had allowed me to really get stuck in which I agreed with.  She said she felt that "Coming once a week was counselling, but coming twice a week was therapy".

I told her that I felt so glad I had found her and started therapy. I said I had been thinking what might have happened if I had found someone else and ended up in the wrong type of therapy or with the wrong therapist. She told me that even if I had, I would have known that I was getting what I needed and found myself the right type of help eventually. I said I wasn't so sure and thought that if I had ended up not getting the help I needed that it might have put me off for life.

I told her that I was so glad I came back to her even after my numerous attempts at running away and how I hadn't realised at the time that was what I was doing. She said, and I loved this...

"I always hoped you would come back. I asked the universe to help you find your way back here"

Gah! How lovely. I played it pretty cool when she said this but it has replayed in my head a few times since. What a lovely thing to hear. She WANTED me back.  I wasn't just an inconvenience who she thought she had to see. She actually wanted me there. Big smiles inside for me.

**does victory dance around the room***

I said again that I couldn't explain exactly how I felt [again, I could, just didn't want to embarrass myself] and she said..

"perhaps you feel moved?"

HA!!! Moved. The exact word I used yesterday!! Attunement at its finest. With that, I started to cry. Just a few, silent tears as I spoke to her. I felt so understood and connected in that moment. It was beautiful. I felt love, that is the only way I could describe it. I felt embarrassed that I was crying over this so said "see I'm being sentimental today!" and laughed to cover up the fact I felt silly. 

I told her that I could see a brighter future at last told her what I had written yesterday about how I felt I had made improvements and I was finally more in touch with my feelings – that my defenses were coming down at last. I said that my inner-dialogue had softened and I wasn't as critical as I used to be. We spoke a bit about dissociation and people with DID. She told me that if I had one more traumatic thing in my life as a child, she had no doubt I would have developed DID.  She said if my (sexual abuser) had got to me at a younger age, or abused me for longer, then she was sure I would have.  She told me that the mind is extremely clever and that although not helpful anymore, at the time it was the only way to survive and was actually very helpful really and very clever.  I told her about my ability to dissociate on purpose as a child and I told her how I used to do it and that I can't do it anymore (I've tried).  She told me that I would have done that to split off the agonising and terrifying feelings that were too much for me as a child.

I told her that I was in touch with that feeling during the break (in emotional flashback) and that although it sounds very dramatic now, it really DID feel like life or death.  I said I was pained for the little me who would have felt that way and she told me that I wouldn't have felt that way because I split it off – and that is what I am dealing with now. I said I guess I would rather deal with it now, as an adult that think of any child having to feel that way.

T told me about a film called "Sybil" which was about a woman who developed multiple personality disorder due to a traumatic childhood. She said I could borrow it if I wanted to. I said I would love to. My mind immediately thought that I would like to borrow it and that I would no doubt use it as a "transitional object". I would watch it knowing it was hers, knowing it was something she liked, knowing we could talk about our thoughts on it together afterwards etc.  I wondered whether she probably knew that. I wondered whether she might forget this offer and hoped she wouldn't.

I asked T why she thought I couldn't reach out to her during the breaks when I felt as bad as that? She said that basically I need to reach out and have my needs met over and over again and that eventually I would rewire my brain, but before I can do that automatically I need to really learn it is safe.  She explained that as a child I would have known I wouldn't have been responded too and even worse, she thought I probably did reach out and was ignored which is why I can't do it now as an adult.  I queried my understanding and said "So I have to reach out to you and have you respond over and over again?" She said yes.

We spoke about how during the process I might not always feel so positively towards T and that I might get very angry with her. I told her that I wasn't looking forward to that happening. She told me she didn't tell me this to scare me, but that she thought it might help me to not be so scared of it if it happens.  She told me that she remembers experiencing it with her own T (I love hearing stories about her own therapy) and she told me that one time she was particularly raging and attacking towards her T. I asked whether she felt embarrassed or stupid afterwards and she said she didn't, because she understood some of the reasons behind it on reflection.  I told her that I always feel embarrassed after I've been angry (or very sad actually) and gave a recent example of being * with my other half when I couldn't find my keys one morning and him doing the same thing last night before I left for my session, how we were both always embarrassed after our outbursts.

I told her that me and my other half had a conversation on Sunday about some feelings he was having over his Dad being away at the moment. I told her that he had opened up to me and we had spoken about how he felt. He said some very similar things to how I felt when T was on holiday and I completely understood where he was coming from. It was a nice moment. An authentic connection and it had left me feeling rather content and happy.  She said it was really good that he had allowed himself to be vulnerable and that it showed he had taken on board what we had discussed [relationship triangles].  I was so glad.  She said that I was "sending out different signals".  I wasn't sure if I was or not but said that I hoped so.

We spoke about when I have a baby and the things I said in my post yesterday. She said "We need to get you able to tolerate mess".  She explained that included physical mess (untidiness, poo, wee, sick and also, emotional 'untidiness').  This was something we had discussed before.  She told me that the reason I had such extreme OCD as a young child would have been an attempt at controlling something. I told her that I was aware I could be a control freak and was like this at home when it came to chores and cooking. I never accepted or asked for help, ever and that I was trying hard to change that.  She told me that I learnt to be very self-sufficient but that I could relax more now.  I told her I knew this might be something I struggled with when I had a baby – having to "share" the baby with my other half and not try to control everything. She said that we could keep talking about it all.

We spoke about breastfeeding/bottle-feeding and I told her that I really liked the thought that when I had a baby, I would be allowed to bring baby with me to see her at first. She said only at the beginning when I was totally preoccupied with baby. I told her that I had told my other half that she had said this and that I was excited about the prospect but that he hadn't really understood why it was such a big deal. She smiled (I wondered what she thought).

All in all, a really lovely session. I felt very happy when I left and drove home feeling very content. I am already looking forward to tomorrow's session and hope that I can get more of this good stuff and "soak it in" as someone said yesterday.   It is such a wonderful feeling that I wish would stay forever.

[sanmagic7]

i just love it when things come together!  it sounds like wonderful progress in therapy, twink.  yay!

i read the book 'sybil' many years ago.  it's fascinating how the mind works to take care of itself.  we are wondrously creative creatures, indeed!  moving forward, dear twink!  hugs!

[Twinkletoes]

Ah thank you! Me too hehe.  Is this a normal part of the process or just a me thing??

[sanmagic7]

i think all of what we go through is a 'normal' part of the process for ourselves.  we're so individual, it's hard to say what's 'normal' or what's to be 'expected'.  i suggest you just be with it as it is, and love yourself in the midst of it.  big hug!!!

[Twinkletoes]

I have literally just got home from my session and felt I needed to type this out quickly. I never write this quickly after a session so this is unusual and this is only about one very tiny aspect of my session but it has thrown me.

** Trigger warning ***

It was about 25 past the hour, 5 minutes before my session was due to end.  We had spoken about a lot of things but was currently talking about my narcissistic mother.  I told T that I had thought to myself this morning I wonder what my relationship with my body would be like if it she hadn't said all the things she did.

T said absolutely I would.  She said that now that I know that things she said weren't true, I could let go of certain beliefs etc.  I said well, it isn't quite that easy. I believe the things she told me about my physical appearance.  I said that those particular messages have got in too deep for me to suddenly not believe anymore.

T asked me for an example and I said, well for example, my nose.  She seemed surprised and asked what was wrong with my nose. I felt embarrassed and said I hate it and my mother always told me it was "a nose from my Dad's family".  I said it made me very conscious and I hated having my photo taken from side profile.

She seemed genuinely shocked and told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with my nose and that it was "bollocks" (said quite angrily).

The thing is though, of course she's going to say that isn't she? She isn't going to look at me and say "ah yeah, it is * isn't it?".. so I can't believe her.  I told her that my boyfriend sometimes grabs my nose and says how it is "cute" or "sweet" but that I hate it and I used to really want a nose job... but that was before I had my boob job.

T said that her words were absolute bollocks and that we need to resolve this once and for all. I felt all hot and then burst into tears.  She said "you really do believe you have a horrible nose, don't you?" I said yes I do.

She then said "if you have a baby and your baby has your nose, will you hate that too?!" she sounded angry but I understand she was just trying to get through to me. I said no, of course not.

She said that all the things my mum picked on about my physical appearance was through jealousy because she is hollow. I told her that can't be true because the things she picks on about me, she has better.  For example, if she says I am fat – she is skinny.  She said that because she is a narcissist, she just can't bear that I am different to her.  Different is bad in her world, that's all.

I was a crying mess and shocked at how quickly that had escalated.  I looked at the clock and it was half past so I pulled my handbag towards me, still crying and trying to wipe my face.  She said to take a minute and that I didn't have to rush off.  I wanted to stay and I had more to say but I've never stayed past my session time and I didn't want to overstay my welcome... plus I was really embarrassed.

I got in the car and just broke down. I sobbed. I've never done that before. I was conscious the whole time that she could see me from the window if she had looked out and I didn't want her to see me... or did I? I didn't want her to see me crying and come out to my car to console me.. hug me... or did I? Aghh the tears are running again.

I drove home feeling very out of it and blaring out some angry music really loudly. I actually drove past my house and went the long way around because I was enjoying singing along and releasing some of this emotion/energy.. whatever it is.

The thing is, I haven't even got started on the things I hate about my body because of my mum, but the sad thing is, I don't want to tell her because she will try to make me feel better and I won't believe her. Because it is embarrassing and because, as stupid as it sounds, I don't want to point things out to her in case she hasn't noticed before and then does.

I had a boob job because she told me I looked like a boy. She made me have one. Okay, that's a bit unfair because she couldn't force me obviously, but she pushed it and pushed it and then she had her's done and told me how wonderful it had made her feel so I had one too. I was petrified and although I like having breasts when wearing clothes, I can't bear how they feel and often wish I hadn't had it done. This was before I started therapy and when I was completely caught in my need to get her approval.  Before I understood the unhealthy dynamic.

Do I tell her that looking at my legs makes me want to be sick? That I used to have visions of getting a knife and slicing off some of the (excess) fat that cling to them? That I still do sometimes when I am on the toilet or in the bath? She used to tell me I had "[Dad's family] legs" too... just like the nose.

She used to make me feel utterly * when my legs were on show. She one compared my legs to my best friend's when I was about 15 and on my way out in front of her. I have never forgotten that.

Do I tell T that THAT is why I always cover myself up in her office with my coat or a cushion? because I don't want her or me to have to see my fat legs? and that when she asked me why I cover myself up, I pretended I didnt know.

Do I tell T that I tense my legs so much they ache most nights? That when I was learning to drive I used to tense them so they didn't go flat against the seat and look even fatter? that THAT is why I don't wear shorts in the summer? that THAT is why I prefer the winter because I get to cover up? That THAT is why I stopped eating as a child and why she hid the scales from me because I became obsessed?

I don't know how I feel right now. Is it anger? is it rage? sadness? I don't know.

I hate the thought that I am left with this * now and I have to wait until Tuesday night now which already feels like a million years away.

My tears won't stop running and I feel *.

[sanmagic7]

i don't have the energy to give you a full response.  just know that my earth mother me is embracing you.  you are so lovely.

[sanmagic7]

twink, i've been on this earth for quite a while, have met and known many, many people - young, old, healthy, dying.  the only ones i ever saw as ugly - and i'm saying this truthfully, from my heart - were the ones who were ugly on the inside. 

if you saw me and how i look physically, would you think me ugly?  i knew a woman who, physically, was absolutely perfect.  petite, blonde, blue-eyed - everything about her physicality was just right.  at first glance, she was about the prettiest woman i'd ever seen.  as i got to know her, got to know her personality, saw her shallowness,  her lack of compassion toward others (especially those less fortunate than her), her unwillingness to rub shoulders with those not of her social standing, the uglier she got to me.  then she began taking her perfect physical presence and began altering it.  what it did was showcase her lack of love.

i don't mean to judge, not you nor anyone.  you have your reasons for believing what you do about how you look.  can you take a step back, think about if you had a best friend who looked just like you - would you tell her she needed to alter herself to make her look good to you?

i think one of the most caring things we can do for ourselves is become our own friends.  i mean, even our best friends aren't perfect, but we love them anyways.  same with ourselves.  we'll never be perfect - that's not what being human is about.  but, can we care about ourselves like we would care about a friend?  accept ourselves like we accept our friends?  that, i think, is a goal worth working toward.

i struggle with it at times.  my body has changed since i began getting sick, and it's working against me right now to get healthier.  patience has become a friend of mine.  acceptance and i are getting closer, and that, actually, is beginning to feel better. 

just keep moving twink, and you'll get to where you need to be.  those old messages about our physicality are really difficult, especially when they're backed up by societal expectations.  for example, i saw a foto of a runway model in a bikini, and the caption said that she was showing off her marvelous figure while resting from her latest gig.  i saw each one of her ribs looking like a xylophone!  that is not a marvelous body. no matter who is saying it is!  it's unnatural and undernourished and far from healthy. 

as you keep going, you'll begin to see things differently.  my daughter used to continually put me down for wanting to do things she thought i was 'too old' to do, like go back to school in my 40's, or that i was going deaf when she mumbled her words on the phone and i had to ask her to repeat what she said.  these narcs in our lives will find something to pick on us about, but it's always about them, not about us.  that is one thing i have learned.  like that awful t i had who tried to make me feel like i was somehow responsible for my husband's porn addiction by telling me i needed to dress up in sexy lingerie, like that would fix the problem. 

it doesn't matter who they are, how they relate to us in our lives, they have some kind of issues and they project it onto us, making us feel bad about ourselves, making us believe that we have to somehow change ourselves and then the problems will go away.  no, it isn't so.  it was easier for them to look at us than themselves, is all, and take our their self-hate on us.  we didn't know better, and we believed them.

as we continue in recovery, we begin to know better and even more better what this is all about.  it's not us, bottom line.  barbra streisand once asked her audience if she should get her nose fixed.  an overpowering 'NO!! is what immediately came back to her.  people of substance look past our whatever you want to call them - imperfections? - and those are the people i now choose to have in my life, i now choose to listen to.

when you're ready, twink, you can let those messages go.  until then, you will struggle with them, abuse your legs until they hurt, look in the mirror and see nothing but an ugly nose.  when you're ready, you will become your own friend, with all the acceptance and tolerance that entails.    you'll get there.