Candid's Intro

[Candid]

I am a 61-year-old woman and was the scapegoat in a sibship of four. I stopped seeing my parents in my 30s and have since been ostracised by my siblings as well as being regarded with suspicion by extended family members. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in 2012 and have since realised I tick all the boxes for borderline personality disorder. I have only one good friend who I can't see as often as I would like. Relationship is my number one problem.

I am flooded with memories of horrible things (abduction, rape, a violent husband to list the worst) that would not have happened if I'd had a supportive family. I keep remembering things my mother said to me that took away any confidence I might have had, how she sneered whenever anything went wrong for me as well as when things went well. She must really have hated me. At the same time I feel the lack of a family and wish I had been accepted by mine.

It's hard to keep going but what's the alternative? I've seen dozens of therapists and a few have been understanding but sooner or later we always reach a point where either they or I give up. I don't even want to talk about my stuff any more. The best time of the day is when I go to bed; I often have what I think of as compensatory dreams -- feeling good among nice people -- and the worst time of the day is when I wake up and wonder how the * I will fill the day ahead. Nothing seems worth the bother of doing, including housework, shopping and cooking.

The thought of trudging on for another 20 years or so is horrific. I don't see any good ahead. BTW I am taking Paroxetine for depression but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

I signed up ages ago and have been just reading until now. I hope this post isn't too long. Thanks for reading.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Candid     FYI, I split your post off from the thread it was in and started a new thread for your intro, that way members can carry on the discussion in the other thread and welcome you here.

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD in 2012 and have since realised I tick all the boxes for borderline personality disorder. I have only one good friend who I can't see as often as I would like. Relationship is my number one problem.

FWIW, those with CPTSD tend to have fewer relationships, even to isolate themselves while those with BPD seek out relationships but they are chaotic.  It's an important difference and may mean that you do not actually suffer from BPD (see http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/).   

I signed up ages ago and have been just reading until now. I hope this post isn't too long.

Glad you took the risk and posted!   

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Candid! 

Glad you are here.

[bring em all in]

Welcome to the group! I've found it quite informative and supporting. I'm glad you are here!

[sanmagic7]

welcome, candid.  so glad you decided to finally post.

i'm a 69-yr. old woman, and i totally get that sense of frustration with all this, living in the memories, not being able to see the light at the end of this tunnel, struggling for so many years, fighting just to be me - it's been such a horrible journey i've often echoed your feelings of 'what's the point?'

perhaps your current anti-depressant isn't the right one for you.  when i was going through that, it was really experimental until i found what worked.  same with your therapists.  did you ever have an actual trauma-trained therapist?  that could make all the difference. 

i've also found this group to be so supportive and uplifting - such caring, generous people.  they have made so much difference in my recovery, i can't really put it into words, except that i'd never have made the progress i have without them.   i hope you have a similar experience here.   

[Kittysnotthere]

Hi there, Candid. What you said about not having a supportive family and feeling like nothing is worth the bother really hit home. I think you are in the right place. They've got some good resources here.

[Candid]

FWIW, those with CPTSD tend to have fewer relationships, even to isolate themselves while those with BPD seek out relationships but they are chaotic.  It's an important difference and may mean that you do not actually suffer from BPD   

Thanks for that, Kizzie. I am about to be assessed by a psychiatrist (another one!) who is likely to go with the previous shrink's misdiagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. But of course if I say anything like that I'll be called paranoid. The scapegoat can never win, right?

perhaps your current anti-depressant isn't the right one for you.  when i was going through that, it was really experimental until i found what worked.  same with your therapists.  did you ever have an actual trauma-trained therapist?  that could make all the difference. 

It was a trauma specialist who diagnosed C-PTSD. Unfortunately the condition has been dismissed as non-existent by everyone since.

As to the meds, you're right, Paroxetine doesn't seem to be doing anything for me except perhaps regulate my sleep, for which I'm thankful. TBH I think it extremely unlikely any pill can make me feel okay about my life as it is, and I volunteered for the new assessment because I want some real help... if there's any out there. That comes from someone who's been through the grind with far too many counsellors, psychologists, therapists et al.

and thanks to those who replied. I think I'm going to like it here.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, that sounds about right.  the trauma specialist would know about c-ptsd, while the rest of them who are uninformed and go by the 'book' (and c-ptsd isn't in the book - the dsm manual which is the bible for all mental health practitioners and what is used when writing diagnoses for the insurance companies) are going to miss it unless you bring it to their attention and they do some research and learning on their own about it. 

i hope you have some better luck with the new psychiatrist.  i found information on the internet about c-ptsd, including the fact that it's not in the dsm, and brought it in for my therapist to get some knowledge about it.  some therapists/shrinks also use a different diagnosis having to do with long-term trauma.  i'm not sure exactly what it is, but it might be something to talk to the shrink about.  schizo-affective disorder is pretty heavy stuff.    we've talked about how we often have to advocate for ourselves with the medical profession.   ugh!

good luck w/ getting some different anti-depressants, too.  hopefully you'll find something that will help you feel at least a little better.  they may not change your life, but maybe lighten your perspective just a bit.     

[Three Roses]

Hi, welcome! I've just turned 60 and within the past few years have remembered quite a bit that was forgotten or purposely buried by me, subconsciously. I too get the "What's the point?" feeling, and it's something I try to overcome. Someone here once said something to the effect that when we make ourselves better, no matter when we start, we are helping to make the world a better place. That helps me have the energy and motivation to continue. Thanks for posting!

[Kizzie]

Hi Candid - Just wanted to mention there are some information sheets about Complex PTSD here that you might want to check out and take with you to your appointment - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/.   

[Candid]

schizo-affective disorder is pretty heavy stuff. 

No kidding! I repeatedly tell myself that what 'they' think doesn't make it true, but it's hard to behave naturally around someone looking for pathology. The report from the last shrink, which I've had to hand over, is full of gross and damning inaccuracies. Also says in several places "Candid denies hearing voices" and "is not accepting of her primary diagnosis" while scant references to family stuff are "Candid says..." They see and hear only what they're looking for.

we've talked about how we often have to advocate for ourselves with the medical profession.

I'm exhausted with it and pessimistic about the new round. Why don't they ever listen???

Hi, welcome! I've just turned 60 and within the past few years have remembered quite a bit that was forgotten or purposely buried by me, subconsciously.

Yes, I see things more clearly now than I did when it was going on. It's very painful and I get mad at myself. My greatest regret is that I didn't wake up sooner and stop approaching my mother for anything like appropriate behaviour. Grr! Trouble is I have never stopped loving her or the rest of the family who followed her; I just wanted them to love me.

when we make ourselves better, no matter when we start, we are helping to make the world a better place.

I've been jumping through the hoops because there's no alternative, but I'll keep that idea in mind!

Kizzie, thanks for directing me to the info sheets. Along with the psychiatric report I emailed docs about CPTSD and BPD. I'm being discussed at a meeting next Monday :rolleyes: and it's probably a good thing I won't be present. Uuurgh.

[mourningdove]

I'm exhausted with it and pessimistic about the new round. Why don't they ever listen???

Because they think that they already have all the answers. My heart goes out to you, Candid. i hope that you are able to find decent help.

[sanmagic7]

'someone looking for pathology' - wow!  you hit that nail on the head!  the med. profession isn't looking for wellness, as a whole.  that doesn't mean there aren't some out there in the field who do look for alternatives and strengths in an individual.  i know of a practitioner who treated what looked like schizophrenia with vit b3 (niacin), a treatment that has been around since the 50's, i think, and it did the trick.  he saw the symptoms but looked for the root cause, which was b3 deficiency in the brain.  ( just an example.  trauma also can cause changes in the brain, but we can change those, too.)   i hope you find one of those this time, someone who will be willing to read the info.  is there a way you can get a statement from the trauma specialist?    will be thinking of you on mon.  i hope it goes well.  best to you and a big hug!

[Candid]

is there a way you can get a statement from the trauma specialist?

We've both relocated since I was seeing her. I could probably track her down on the www but what could she put in writing? I understand why shrinks can't say "her mother did this, that and the other thing" instead of "Candid says....", but when they've decided you're schizoaffected and therefore paranoid it's another burden to have it implied you made the whole thing up. I've had far too many imply my whole life and self-image is based on me imagining things that didn't happen. For pity's sake, I started out believing there must be something fundamentally hateful about me, only got my eyes open by degrees after gross outrages on her part. Of course she made sure there were never any witnesses.

It's enough to send anyone mad.

I know it will rattle me for a day or so if I get that again this time, but I'm prepared for it so I won't be devastated.

Thank you sanmagic7 and mourning dove for your good wishes.

[sanmagic7]

i was just thinking that she could put her diagnosis in writing, something for the new shrink to see that came from a professional, that you've had a different diagnosis, maybe a few words about what c-ptsd means, where it comes from, that kind of thing.  not that it has to contain specifics, but that there is prolonged trauma in your history, which can cause c-ptsd and such-and-such symptoms which may look like other diagnoses, i.e., bpd, schizo-affective, etc.   oooooh, this is so frustrating, i can't even imagine what you must be feeling.  it truly is crazy-making.

it's frustrating for me cuz i'm a therapist and was ignorant of c-ptsd as a diagnosis until i did research on what was happening to me.  i belong to an online support group of trauma specialists (emdr therapists) and very few of them were familiar with the diagnosis, either, until i informed them of it.  like i said, it's not in the 'book' so there aren't that many people in the field who even know about it.

i sincerely hope this goes well for you, that someone 'sees' you.  hugs.