One continual C-Ptsd episode?

[Phoebes]

I'm getting really exhausted of being in flashbacks. I have made progress, do more to take care of myself and recognize when I am in one. It's more than that, though. It's combines with anxiety, depression, insomnia, overwhelm with my job, insecurity with friends, and recent triggers of christmas. I feel very overwhelmed, yet life and my job must go on. Sometimes it;s ALL I can do to just keep up with the minimum at my job. That is all. Nothing else. Even an invitation from  friend to have dinner is stressful. None of this used to feel this way. It's been since going NC with my mom and the months and episodes leading up to it. So many triggers. I can feel myself getting smaller. I've been withdrawn for a while, but I can feel it getting worse. It's hard to know what to do when the work and growth I've been doing works for a while and then I slip back worse. I think I just feel that no one I know in the real world understands or is on my side. It's like this woman being arrested for protecting her kids from an abuser. I have never been allowed to protect myself, yet now that I do, I am the bad guy- to everyone.

I also put myself in a very irresponsible and dangerous position just after the NC, as a reaction I can see now, and the events that ensued have become triggers and really something I have never gotten past as well. All relating to current life and people I am around weekly. I just want it all to go away, to have some sort of dignity and power to succeed.

[Contessa]

Oh boy Phoebes
So sorry to read this. Sounds like a big mess.

I identify with being the bad guy for protecting myself. And the other things you say.

[Phoebes]

Thank you, Contessa

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi phoebes thank u for sharing I really relate to your post ..
I came to a massive crash 3 wks ago and have been signed off work .. for me a stressful job was having a very detrimental effect / wasn't coping and like you I kept pushing on. Collapsing on the bed when I got home, not able to move - exhausted
I was in a pretty constant flashback and I've had awful anxiety attacks
Do u have any support group or therapist .. I just went to an acoa meeting and that has been so good
My experience is something had to give .. I'm grateful I get sick pay and have lot of support through 12 step recovery , friends and union also Gp has referred me to psych in hope I can get help
Exhaustion is no place to live ...
What would u do if u could like what would you give up / change/ get
I feel I've really surrendered this time ... trusting .. because I can't do 'that' life anymore - I've been driven by success and now I absolutely have to put me and my health 1st

[Mpress Lisa]

Hello Phoebes, it sounds like life is definitely overwhelming you right now... And some boundaries in place would be great but I can feel that the fear of creating boundaries is keeping you stuck in the loop of trauma. That is an awful place and I deeply feel for you. You have every right to say no to anything that is too much right now however small it may seem logically. Emotional flashbacks are not in the realm of logic.
Self protection is your highest priority and I can see this is a trigger for you as it must have never been safe for you to do that. You have every right to protect yourself. Let us know how you are going.