Might be starting medication... worried.

[alovelycreature]

I've been tracking my moods for the past few months because I've noticed around my menstrual period I've been having severe depression and anxiety. I have been reading about PMDD and have tried every natural thing under the sun. I've tried vitamins, diet changes, staying active, yoga, meditating, everything. I can't handle it anymore and feel like I'm going crazy.

I reached out to my old t and asked if she thought I should go to my PCP (who I largely dislike) or my OBGYN. She suggested I see a psychiatrist and gave me a referral. She's the only t who really respected the fact I didn't want to take any medication while I was in therapy, and really let me guide the way for treatment. I was expecting this response from her, but I'm so scared.

I'm scared because I feel like I have no control over my emotions or my body. That's terrifying to begin with. I'm afraid of taking medication. In the past I tried taking Celexa and Prozac. Both made me feel like sh*t. They gave me sexual dysfunction. I felt when I was taking the anti-depressants that I was just "blah" all the time. Very apathetic. That was about 6 years ago now though, and I don't know if my body has changed.

How have people in the past talked to their doctors about this stuff? I want to bring in my mood tracker. I have a family hx of bi-polar disorder and I'm afraid that may come up.

Like I said before, my biggest fear is just feeling like no matter what I do, I don't have control over myself. No matter what I do I can't make myself feel better when I am out of control depressed/anxious. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way about potentially starting medication. I know I'm living in the future and making myself anxious about this. I feel like I'm having to grieve my efforts, and try something scary and new at the same time.

[Rain]

I am going to say something out of utter dumb ignorance ...so duck for cover!   

I am brainstorming here, Lovely.

Correct me if my memory fails me, but your "psych hospital teacher" mother told you that you "were crazy" (such a hideous lie), but could that somehow be related to your feeling these intense emotions and not being able to sit with them.

In other words ....for you, the experience of certain emotions might equal the horrible message of "you are crazy" which your mother potentially brainwashed you with?

For instance, I have an issue with doing a very normal activity in life, but I have to be extraordinarily BRAVE just to do it ...as the activity itself triggers me with the "I am defective, not good enough" parental message.

If you have the "certain emotions = 'you are crazy'" trigger (even if they come with normal menstrual cycle) could something like EMDR break the pattern, the link  (remove the trauma energy)?

[alovelycreature]

*trigger warning

Rain, what you wrote is exactly how I've felt for years. I feel like I sit with my emotions and they have so much power and my brain can't handle it--and I lose control. I pick fights with my boyfriend over stupid stuff like the dishes, I am extremely irritable, I can't calm myself down, and I start feeling suicidal. I have tried to sit with my suicidal feelings because they came up a lot when I was little. *I remember going into the kitchen and thinking I could just stab myself when i was in elementary school.

I've tried to sit with these feelings, explore them, gone to therapy. It's like no matter what I do nothing works. I know I have had struggles with control in my past. I started to wonder if my lack of getting help, or thinking I can fix myself is part of my need for control.

I of course have wondered if anything my M said growing up is causing these issues now. I'm sure they are to some extent.

Like half of the month I feel content, confident, on top of the world. Like I can work on my symptoms. I can make positive changes in my life to make me feel better. Then the second half of the month rolls around and I feel like I go crazy between depression and being angry to the point of outbursts. I'm hoping the psychiatrist wants to check my hormones. I feel like it's that, but part of me also feels like maybe medication would be helpful for working through my symptoms.

I don't know if it's a trigger or not. It feels to me like a trigger to some extent, but then the other part does seem biological. I just don't know.

[Rain]

Lovely, I am sending you several    ....you so did not deserve this. 

[voicelessagony2]

Hi Lovely,

I'm new here. I'm reading your posts and I wanted to let you know the impression I'm getting, because I have a hunch it might help a tiny bit - at least I hope it does.

You are very self aware, very articulate, and (like probably most of us here) very hard on yourself.

I understand the control thing, I get that too about certain things.

Remember, at the end of the day, you are, in all reality, the only one in control of anything you do or experience. Medications are just like using a crutch when you break your leg. There is no shame in it whatsoever, and you can toss the crutch aside as soon as you decide you are ready. You can change to a different type of crutch, or use a wheelchair. It's your call.

I was put on prozac a long time ago after having a nervous breakdown. I hated every minute of it! Once the immediate crisis was over, I told my therapist in no uncertain terms that I would NOT continue to take it. All she did was advise me to wean off it, so I did follow her instructions, and one month later I was finished.

But now I'm discovering that I really need help again, and there are soooooo many other options out there, and I have read enough people's stories to know that everybody has different reactions to meds, and it just takes trial and error for most people to figure out which one(s), but when they do find the right meds they can help a LOT.

Don't give up, and remember, it's ultimately your decision. It's not a life sentence.

HTH

[alovelycreature]

Hey Rain. I get what you're saying. I think there is a lot of validity in what you are saying. My partner isn't into the idea of me seeing a psychiatrist and wants me to wait. I'm going to save what you wrote and look at it the next time I start my cycle and see if I can try to be a little more forgiving to myself and others. I understand that pathologizing normal emotions can be just as harmful as not taking medication when needed. I'm going to put the medication on the back burner for now. I am reading this book called Daring Greatly by Dr. Brene Brown. I'm going to post the book and her video under the book section. When I was reading it today, I was thinking about what you said, and had a light bulb moment.

I think it's hard sometimes to separate C-PTSD symptoms and societal pressures. Like PMS=hysteria. And fearing hysteria as a woman probably makes me feel a bit crazy... on top of my Mom's BS. I also think maybe during my cycle I'm more susceptible to shame. Shame with having no energy to function, shame that my house is a mess, shame for being a woman, shame for feeling irritated, shame for being short fused, just a whole lot of shame about things that society or family has taught us to be shameful about! It's the monster on our back telling us we can never be good enough. 

Thanks HTH for reaching out. Trial and error never hurts! However it all can be scary sometimes! Everything is a journey, a process, and nothing wrong with reaching out for help. 

[Sandals]

You guys are all amazing in my eyes. I have to see my doctor in a few weeks as part of my insurance program asks am a little worried. I really like her so am hoping she well be low pressure on medication (which seems to be her style) but I still worry. The only thing that I would want to consent to for medication is potentially something to help me sleep through the night, as this 2 am wake-up has become a very regular occurrence and I'm not sure if it's from anxiety or just everything else (kids, dog, etc.).

[Rain]

Hi Sandals, the 2 am wake up is normal.

It is normal to sleep 4 hours, wake up for awhile, then have 4 more hours of sleep.   No meds needed for that.    Just think mindless stuff, and go back to sleep.   

[alovelycreature]

Hey Sandals. I love your signature. My mirror is going to be plastered in OOTS mantras. Like Rain said, waking up is normal. I always wake up at 4 am. I posted an article on another forum about the sleeping thing. I don't remember where... 

[Rain]

This is such a good post, Lovely.     You've made so many excellent points in what you write above regarding "self regulations" ...the management of our emotions.   Thanks, Lovely ...this gives me an added perspective.

Emotions from EFs, from the past are most usually not appropriate to the present, which is why I use Linehan's "opposite action" (see my post above for the quote) to balance out the "inappropriate to the present" emotions.

I had not really thought about the outside influences like what you went into ...that is very much part of self-regulation.   I've been thinking about this.   Thanks again, Lovely.

[alovelycreature]

Emotions from EFs, from the past are most usually not appropriate to the present, which is why I use Linehan's "opposite action" (see my post above for the quote) to balance out the "inappropriate to the present" emotions.

I will look into Linehan. She was in isolation for years because of her BPD, right? I've heard a lot about her, but haven't read much of her stuff. I'm going to look into that. It sounds like a helpful technique. I think I did some of her guided meditations one time in a group. I did some of her guided meditations and wasn't a fan. Sounds like she has some other useful techniques I should use  Thanks.