New - bad experiences with talking about things

[Z]

Hi, as you can tell by the title, I'm new here..

I don't think I'm ready to explain exactly what happened yet - I hope that's not problematic. Not only is it still sort of going on, but I've had so many bad experiences trying to talk to someone (including professionals) about what happened that just the thought of it makes me tense and uneasy. I also have trouble with certain "trigger" words, so it's hard for me to properly explain the situation without sounding extremely vague and (I've been told) cryptic. But not talking about things hasn't been working either. All of the symptoms I've been experiencing have been getting worse, and one of them is that I'm unable to bring myself to visit certain areas in my city that are somehow connected to my traumas. I had begun to see a psychiatrist over a year ago, but the place I went to just so happens to be in one of those areas. Of course that would happen to me. I used to be able to suppress my negative emotions and push myself to do things and go places that made me uncomfortable because of the traumas, but I can't do it anymore. I'm running out of options and I really need someone to talk to. So I'm hoping that this is the right place to find some kind of comfort and maybe help in understanding what's going on.

[Wife#2]

Welcome! Though the reasons may not be the best, we're still glad you found us.

Please, take things at YOUR pace. If you can't really stand to say it, but see someone's post that is similar, maybe you can just answer their post with something like, 'Yes, I get that.' and leave it at that. It sounds like your struggle is very difficult. Some here will get that. I personally know that places can hold a power over us - for good or for bad - that lasts a lifetime. My hope for you is that you will be able to find a way to leave the bad feelings behind so that the places lose their power.

I'm trying very hard to watch my words. Triggering words can be so frustrating sometimes. If I've used any that trigger you, please forgive me. I only want to let you know that we are glad you are here. We want you to feel welcome. We look forward to getting to know you better on your terms, in your way, on your timetable.

[Z]

Thanks for the warm welcome. You haven't used any of the words, and I appreciate you being mindful of that, but please, don't feel like you need to walk on eggshells. I hope so too.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, z! 

[bring em all in]

Welcome to the "right place," Z. This community has been a great support to me, and like Wife#2 wrote, we take it at our own pace here.

[Wife#2]

Welcome to the "right place," Z.

[Kizzie]

Welcome Z     Yup, this is a great place to talk about things because we all struggle with the disorder unfortunately.   Once you feel safe and ready, please feel free to join in. It can really help to talk with others who get what you are saying

[bring em all in]

Kizzie- I love your Dalai Lama quote! It's so true!!!!!

[Kizzie]

Smart fellow that Dalai 

[candytron]

That's so interesting, what you say about having to be vague when trying to describe experiences.  I tend to be very vague, as well.  I worry that people will find what I have to say to be distressing, and since I care about them, I avoid specifics. 

I have found that my trauma survivors support group is a venue where I can be a little more detailed.  Maybe because we come there specifically to talk about things, and also having an experienced therapist/leader there can help others deal with stuff as it comes up.  So I don't feel like I have to be the sole person to confront their emotions with them. 

But in all honesty, I don't like hearing the specifics come out of my mouth, and I don't like thinking about them, either.  For some reason it makes it more real and I'm not always fully equipped to deal with that reality.

As for the avoidance of the triggers and areas of the city...  That is 100% understandable and a natural, healthy response to trauma.  I would try to remember that this is how a normal, healthy, person responds to horrifying events.  Try to be so very kind to yourself around these fears.  It is not your fault.

[solongStockholm]

I get it. For me, it's been about finding the right person to open up to. I learned to only open my heart and share my story to those who will listen compassionately. I've learned to spot these people and label them as the "like what?" listener. When I make a statement about something---usually just being honest about where I'm at in my healing journey---instead of accepting my statement (ex., my mom has been really being X lately, so I have distanced myself) at face value they'll pry with "like what?", as though they need more examples to decide if my feeling is justified.

I'm not a "like what?" person and I am guessing many people on here aren't either. When you feel ready...we'll be here to openly listen.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, z, glad you're here.  as everyone says, when you're ready and in your time.  keep taking care of you.

[ALLHAILTHEGLOWCLOUD]

Hi, I'm new here too and I totally admire your willingness to seek help despite the difficulty you have discussing the traumatic parts of your experience.  It takes incredible self-awareness to understand that the issues in your life are related to your trauma AND at the same time give yourself permission not to talk about it specifically just yet.  The fact that you can define boundaries and carve out that space for yourself during a hard time is a sign of strength. 

I just read an article about all the good reasons NOT to talk about your trauma and it was really helpful.  The link will be at the bottom of this post if you'd like to check it out, but I'll offer a trigger warning for the site itself since it covers all things CPTSD.  I don't want to/can't be more general just because I don't know what your specific triggers are and don't want to risk accidentally using one of the words you're sensitive to.  But at any rate I'm still dealing with getting triggered A LOT and I generally don't find myself too upset after perusing the site- there are a lot of exercises that have been helping me calm down and just a lot of really good info in general.  I also appreciate that the site's author chooses in all her pieces not to get too into her story, just because that's not what she feels would be helpful.

Anyway, I hope things start looking up for you soon and I am glad you're here.

Here's the link: http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1137

[bring em all in]

Thanks for posting the link. I have found sharing my trauma to be a helpful part of my recovery, but I agree that going too quickly can be counter-productive. I think it is probably up to each person to decide what is right for them, and the article gives us somethings to consider.

[Z]

Thanks for the kind words. The information in that link is so true; it's so relieving when someone is able to explain how you feel. I've made so many mistakes in telling people things when I shouldn't have (usually in a desperate attempt to be understood) that I feel like I've more than ruined what should've been a good experience. And I hate feeling like I did it to myself. Now, even in normal conversation, all I ever think about is, did I overshare? Did I say this the wrong way? How do I take it back? I think about this a lot - how people are able to deal with trauma, but not when it's trivialized and questioned and picked at. Sometimes I end up asking myself ridiculous questions, like if everything that I thought happened even did. I just don't know how I'll ever figure this out.