My introduction

[Tenacious]

I've been reading posts for several days and have been kind of getting to know you all, I figured it was time to introduce myself, so here's my story.
I  came from a family history of severe abuse and neglect. I had an alcoholic father who suffered sever psychotic episodes from having served in the German army . They didn't have a diagnosis of PTSD back then but he certainly suffered from it and in turn caused great trauma to my sisters and I. We were beaten severely, and emotionally tortured. He replayed trauma that had been done to him on to his children. My mother was unable to rescue us, she was so focused on her own pain that she was almost unaware we existed. She seemed to identify with being a victim and always made us feel that her pain was greater than ours and that we had no right to complain. We were immigrants with no family in this country and there were no adults to turn to. Where was CPS back then!
My childhood was spent trying to stay alive , there wasn't much time to be a child at all. My goal was to get out of the house as soon as I could and that's exactly what I did. I married at 15 and thought all my problems were over, and that life would be happy now I had escaped.
And for a few years everything was fine... until I had children and suddenly realized what it felt like to love a child. How was it possible that my parents did not feel that way about me? How could anyone treat a child like I was raised! I have spent many years fighting depression , sadness, and shame and not really understanding why. My thoughts are always filled with trying to figure out what's wrong with me.
I have spent most of my adult life trying to figure out how to fix me.
Reading Pete Walkers book changed everything for me....it opened my eyes and gave me an understanding of why I am the way I am, it was truly life changing for me.
And now I have found this forum as well. I have a diagnosis, I have others who know exactly what I am going through. I feel like I have finally found a place where I can be understood and I have a map to follow. I'm hoping to learn how to feel like a part of a group..... I have never really been able to do that before now.
Thank you all for your courage , kindness and support. I'm so happy to have found you.

[sanmagic7]

we're so happy you've found us as well, tenacious.  welcome!  glad you survived and made it here.  that's a biggie all by itself.

this is the first group, and i've been a part of many support groups, where i've actually felt at home.  i hope you get the same experience - it's a great feeling.  finally!  thanks for sharing. 

[Three Roses]

Hi, and welcome to you Tenacious! Your childhood seems to be similar to what mine was like.

It was life changing for me to find this forum, and the sense of belonging that i get from it is like no other i've ever experienced. That I can come here, and say however I'm feeling - and someone will understand! I won't be looked at funny, or told "That's all in the past, get over it" or ostracized. People here get it! That's a feeling that I hope you have now, too.

[bring em all in]

Welcome to the community, Tenacious! 

[Wife#2]

Welcome, Tenacious. This is probably the only place around that welcomes everyone. As far as feeling a part of the group, I've been a member for several months now and feel closer to these people than many in my 'real' life. The people I've met here, the help and validation and kindness, have made my real life much better.

There are lots of tools that are helpful as well, resources and books. I haven't read Pete Weller's book yet, but I do plan to get that soon. I'm glad it made you feel understood, like somebody out there got it!

Keep looking around. Post when you feel brave enough. Breathe. You are among friendly people - we hope to one day call you friend.

[Tenacious]

Thanks for the kind words, it really helps just to know you all understand

[Kizzie]

Hi Tenacious    I'm on the run this week and next, but wanted to say "Welcome" and I hope you find some good support and helpful information here.

[Dee]

That is how I felt; finally a place where I belong!  It is a relief.

[Rebel62]

I'm hoping to learn how to feel like a part of a group..... I have never really been able to do that before now.

This really hits home with me. Despite being in groups at different periods of my life, I've never really felt like I was really part of a group. The third (or fifth) wheel. I always feel like I'm the odd one, the one at the edge of the group that could drift away and no one would notice. And, honestly, especially with friend groups, that has often happened.  I even feel a little like that here, but not as much and it's not because the group here hasn't been great, it's my hesitation to really join in. There are some  really great people here that give great advice and empathize with what you have experienced.

Welcome to the group!

[Jennifer]

Hello, Tenacious,
I just joined this group today, and upon reading your introduction, looked up Pete Walker and read his website. Thank you for mentioning him! I have ordered his book. Many good wishes to you,
Jennifer

[Tenacious]

Rebel, thanks for your post. I completely understand what you said about being in a group and how hard it is. Most of the time I am most comfortable being as invisible as possible, there is safety in not being noticed. But the flip side is that I'm invisible and feel like an outsider, alone and different. I really want to try to change that. Having a group of people that "get's" me is a new experience. I'm really going to try to be a part of this community. I want to learn how to care about others and let them care about me as well. I hope you are able to find help within this community as well.

[Rebel62]

I have found some help here. Lot's of resources, validation that what I have been going through is real and that I'm not overacting. I still constantly find myself saying, "It wasn't that bad", when in fact I know it was that bad. I have to constantly remind myself that, yes, my experiences were traumatic. 40 plus years of denial and minimizing my childhood is a hard habit to break.

I currently do not have a friend group. I have two external family groups, both of which I feel like an outsider in (less so with my husbands family than my own) and my work group, where I feel disconnected for the most part, although I do think I am respected by my co-workers and bosses, they understand that I prefer privacy and give me space, and I am part of the team. The closest relationship I have is one co-worker, but it is a work only relationship. I also have my family, my husband and daughter and we all have mental health issues. It is my daughter's issues that really brought my C-PTSD to the surface.

Friendship is tough for me. I know it is part of the disorder, not trusting, but many  of the friends I have had in the past back stabbed me to some extent, and worse (and potentially triggering so I'm going to avoid specifics). I find it hard to trust anyone. I also feel very numb from a combination of my past and the challenges we are facing now with our daughter. I have found that it is more difficult than usual for me to express myself, and I am concerned at times that inability will make me come off as uncaring or cold. That concern keeps me from posting more here.

Again -- welcome -- I think you will find what you are looking for here. I might too eventually, if my disorder (I) allows it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, rebel,

i can relate to raising a daughter with mental health issues while i had my own issues to deal with.  it's no fun at all.  if you ever want to speak to that issue more, i'm willing to share my experience with you as well.

keep taking care of you - i'm doing the same.  glad you're here.

[Rebel62]

Yes it can be very challenging, and I'm trying. Thanks!