In patient?

[Dee]

Yesterday I was given the opportunity to go to an inpatient program for 30 days.  I am really considering it.  I would go to the eating disorder unit, but I would also be treated for trauma, and negative coping skills such as drinking.

I have been struggling with Anorexia relapse.  This is pretty normal from what I understand.  Like other addictions, you do well, relapse, get back to it....  Still, I have never been in patient for my eating disorder.  For anorexia that isn't as normal.  From what I know most people with an eating disorder need intensive treatment.

And here is the irony.  I have gained almost all my weight, to turn around and lose more than half.  Still, I am not where I started.  So I feel too fat to go and be treated for anorexia.

I also feel that 30 days of habitual eating, monitoring, no alcohol, and free from other behaviors may help.  30 days off the grid, with no outside stress.  Yet, I also have two kids who I hide things from.  And, I just started a ceramics class and talked to a women's shelter about volunteering.

I did call and ask if I could bring Gizmo (my service chihuahua) and I am waiting on a call back.

I'm thinking and thinking and thinking...  I didn't sleep much last night.

[sanmagic7]

o dee, just what came off the top of my head while i was reading is that i hope you do this.  i don't think an eating disorder program considers things like too fat or not fat enough.  i think they focus on the disorder, and what you described sounds like it might be a very good gig for you.  especially when you said they will be looking at things like trauma.  it really sounds relevant and real to me.

as far as the class and volunteering, i believe they'll be there, waiting for you, when you get ready.  to be able to focus completely on yourself may sound scary, but the idea of being taken care of, going 'off the grid' as you put it, and having people who care looking after you and guiding you sounds like a really good idea to me.  just my opinion of course - you'll do what's best for you.

if you do go, i hope you'll be able to take gizmo.  if he's not allowed, it may be a thing that they don't want you distracted from your focus while you're there - having to think about him and his needs, etc.   they may want you to stay completely focused on you and let them do for you what he normally does, except maybe the cuddling. 

i hope you let us know what you decide.  i completely support whatever decision you make.  hugs, dee.

[Wife#2]

Dee, you know that I love you, right? I mean really. Because I do. This is going to be said with the utmost love and caring - Do this thing for yourself.

Your children already know that you have weight issues. There's no hiding that from the people around you. If there is any love in their hearts for you - and I'm sure there is - they will be grateful that you're seeking the care you need to get better. There is no such thing as too fat to claim or discuss or address anorexia - no such thing.

Besides, it is my uneducated, unprofessional belief that anorexia and bulimia are severe symptoms of ongoing abuse.

Forget the money for the class - it's gone. Let it go. Your life is worth so much more than that.

Don't you think you'd be a more effective volunteer AFTER 30 days working on your 'stuff'?

I know you're worth the effort of the professionals in this setting. You are worth it on so many levels, to take an opportunity to be heard, be validated by professionals, get rest even if you don't sleep much, get help with stress management so food stops being the enemy.

I will miss you sorely while you are gone - if you choose that path. But, I will miss you with a smile on my face, hopeful you are able to get some of the help you so richly deserve and very much need. I will be here waiting for your return.

Of course, if you decide not to go, we can play hopscotch together, or toss water balloons into leaf piles just to watch them burst. Whatever would allow you to smile for a while.

[radical]

With you all the way, Dee, whatever you decide.
love and hugs

[Three Roses]

I hope you do what is best for you, without thinking of anything or anyone else. It's time for you to be center stage, to be the main concern. It's time to reach out and take what has been kept from you. Whatever that looks like! Maybe it's 30 days inpatient treatment (I think I'd jump at that chance if I were you, but IDK). And I know you know that those feelings of being too fat are just a symptom of your eating disorder. Big hugs to you, Dee, whatever you decide.

[bring em all in]

Dee,

I echo the others in supporting your decision and wishing you the best. In my opinion the fact that you lost half of the weight you gained and yet still call yourself fat tells you what you need to know in making your decision.

[Dee]

So, long day for me.  I, for the most part, have decided to go.  I met with a person who went to the hospital and was recently released.  She was actually the person who made this an option for me because she advocated it for herself.  They did not have the contract before.  When I first started a year ago this was not an option and I think it is why I have only been offered it now.  It is a good program, but it is also hard.  I am most concerned about lack of privacy.  Because of the nature of eating disorders they have some intrusive policies for health and safety.

I will discuss it more with my therapist next week.  She was doing some research to make sure they offer everything she thinks I need.  Then I expect it will not be fast.  It will be a bureaucracy process.  There will be a referral and then they will have to accept me.  Then logistics to coordinate.  Of course, I am most concerned about even approaching the topic with my kids.  I'm trying not to think about it until I met with my therapist.  It is a heavy weight on my mind.  We all know the more we try not to think of something the more we do.

I talked to my sister who was sort of supportive.  She said she supports me going and will help with the kids, if it is what I think I need.  However, she doesn't think I need to go and that it isn't anything I cannot take care of here.  She also doesn't understand why I still struggle with it.  She said she would never, ever do anything like going to the hospital and doesn't understand why I want to.  I tried to tell her that of course, I don't want to.  This is not my idea of fun.  Right now, I think I need to.  She said she will cover for me and make sure my nephews and their families don't know.  She was running through all kinds of lies to tell everyone.  She has never once researched anything on anorexia and when I gave her handouts from my therapist she gave them back and said she wouldn't read them.

This is where I am.  So now that I learning assertiveness I am asking all of you for support while I navigate this.  I also know I don't need to ask.  To get on a plane and face the things I am scared of the most is scary.   Also, I am afraid to lose my negative coping skills.  They do serve a purpose.

[radical]

You have my support.  You know I'm with you and that I believe in you. 
Please let me know exactly what you might need - words of encouragement, understanding and listening, finding ways to communicate my faith in you, solace in your sorrow, whatever, you've got it. 

Unfortunately we are limited by being behind keyboards and all around the world.  But know that you are cared for, that you have the team here, and that I'm happy to be chief cheerleader (as long as it doesn't involve dancing or gymnastics because I'm realllly uncoordinated and agility-challenged) .

I know those negative skills have got you through the hard times and the pain, they just aren't the right skills for what is ahead - the good times, coming into your own, unleashing all that love and strength and talent. I know it's going to be really tough, but it's time to use some of that formidable strength for you!.
                                                                       

[Three Roses]

I honestly think you're one of the bravest people I know. I'll be here cheering you all the way!

[Eyessoblue]

It definitely sounds like something you need to do for 'yourself'. I think in our situations we find it difficult to look after ourselves or feel worthy of it- in my case anyway. If it was me being offered the help I would definitely go for it and would feel positive that at last something is happening to help 'me'.  Good luck Dee.

[Wife#2]

Dee, I agree with everything radical said.

Of course you are scared, you know they will ask you to consider completely different ways of dealing with the world. That would shake anyone - few people really want to change themselves. We do it because it will make life better in the long run.

Having had a mother who 'ran away' for a summer, I do suggest being age-appropriately open with your children. I could have accepted much better that Mom was overwhelmed, in physical and emotional pain and needed that time to heal herself - to be a better Mom in the long run. Being told she just up and left for a summer was a hard thing to absorb without making it about myself. Also, my Mom really did just up and leave - with a note to explain herself. At least you are making plans to be sure your children are safe and cared for while you are away, so 

This is for you, yes, but it's still not a selfish thing. It's to help you learn how to relate better with your FOC and with everyday life. That will benefit you, yes, of course, but it also benefits everyone who loves you!

[Dee]

You all are wonderful.  The support I think I need is encouragement and planning.  I'm just trying to take it easy until Wednesday when I will discuss it more with my therapist.  I will have things to get in order before I go.  All of this has really exhausted me.

I am most anxious about talking to my kids.  Yes, they know my eating has been different.  Just the other night my son joked about my love of veggies.  I was a competitive marathoner and they attributed my eating and size to that.  I had to stop running after eight fractures and I could no longer make it to the starting line.  It has become a joke with my kids, how I use to run races with pelvic fractures.  They saw discipline and drive, the backbone of an eating disorder.  They know I have severe osteoporosis, but they don't know it came from my eating disorder.  My kids don't even know I see a therapist!

Each day it is, "I'm going, no I'm not, yes I am...."  I think once I get the kids straight it will be better.  Bottom line, I know I need to go.

[radical]

Know I'm with you whatever you decide.

And whichever way, it will be for the best, although so hard I know, when your kids find out the terrible toll that pushing yourself when you needed to be kind to yourself has taken.   A huge weight off your shoulders to know longer keep up the pretense, and eventually probably off them too. 

We are all fragile.  In some ways you must have seemed to have conquered your body and pain, but no-one can.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with radical, especially when you tell the kids what they need to know.  you're simply ill right now, and need some specialized care that can only take place if you stay for a month in a facility/hospital/whatever.  you don't need to be ashamed - we all need specialized care at times, whatever form that might take.  you are one of the strongest, most determined people i've gotten to know.  may i encourage you to do this for you, for once take care of you and (while your kids are safe) let the rest of the world go by without you for while.  you deserve that.  i'm rooting for you!  to new adventures!  big hug.

[Wife#2]

You will take the path that is best for you. That is the only path that matters.

This could be a good time to discuss how you did and do have a drive that is stronger than most, but there can be a time when the drive rules you - and anything taken to the extreme can be harmful. So, you are healing the only way you know how right now. Being strong is a good thing. Being so strong that you forget to take care of yourself is not. You may use this as a chance to talk to your children about moderation and listening to their own bodies. How their bodies will tell them what they need, if they give themselves some quiet time to listen. That's what you've done. You've given yourself quiet time and found out that what you need is some long-term rest.

Then, reassure them that they did nothing wrong. You KNOW they would do everything in their power to give you that rest, but that would be too much on them - you don't want to make THEM responsible for YOUR care, that's not how parenting is done. So, the only alternative is the facility where you can get the rest and the care you need, knowing they'll be safe and cared for by <sister you've chosen>. They'll still be able to be kids this way.

These are just ideas. You know your children, you know yourself (better each day, right?). As I said at the beginning of this post. You will choose the best way for you.