*Trigger warning* I shouldn't be okay

[Contessa]

Hello all.

This morning, before a fairly serious meeting, I looked at facebook for a bit of positive diversion, but at the very top of the feed there was a photograph which should have sent me in a spiral.

In the past i've gone into anxious fits and have had meltdowns that wipe me out for weeks at a time. But for some reason I did not today.

I felt that spark of heat in my heart, but it was tiny and did not grow.

I checked a box to remove it from my feed, but it keeps popping up with many many people expressing love for the two people in the photo. Here's the kicker **trigger**: one of them ran away overseas to 'sow his oats' after I fell pregnant with his child. In utter grief I had a miscarriage. The other person found out this happened quite a while later, was utterly disgusted, showed me great care, and became my boyfriend, but he raped me repeatedly throughout the relationship.

The photo is of them two, holidaying in Amsterdam together, flashing the biggest grins while sharing a couple of beers.

I have blocked all contact with both these men, but sometimes things slip through.

As usual, some of my family members and 'friends' who know this has happened are among the people showering these guys with love.

This has happened before in smaller doses, but the utter absurdity of this has left me largely unmoved. This is surreal.

Separately, I have suffered immense grief from these things, and repeated ef's sinse for over six years. I'm not feeling good, but its strange to not feel the usual unbearable trauma.

That's all I can say right now.

[Wife#2]

Oh, Contessa! What a strange turn of events. Could it be that you've got rid of some of the poison? I don't know, but I'm awfully glad that it didn't undo you just before the big meeting. I also hope the big meeting went well.

[radical]

That's so heartening.  Thank you for sharing it.

I'm beginning to experience a few of these kinds of things too, and I believe they are more important than happiness. After trauma finding those quickenings of resilience - they are like the first signs of spring after the longest, hardest winter.
Bitter-sweet under the circumstances, I know.  But imagine the strength your mind is showing you!

[Contessa]

Thank you.

Today I am starting to feel it, very slowly. Extremely disappointed, and not okay. But not having a complete meltdown has helped to just keep going.

The meeting went okay, but it was also to discuss another traumatic incidence. So full on.

[Contessa]

So true to my form, I just did something.

I wrote a message to my family: knowing what you know, have you ever thought to ask me if I am okay? Ever?

Six years of dealing with them showing love to those men, and never once seeing how I am coping... absolutely dumbfounded.

[radical]

With you, got the t-shirt (in six colours).

Cheering you on, knowing you're not getting what you deserve.

[Contessa]

Haha! Thanks Radical. I think i'm only up to four now 

Anyhoo, the game is on now, again. Went in soft and now I've thrown down a big hand. Meh...

[sanmagic7]

best to you with every single bit of this, contessa.  there are so many levels to be aware of, manage, make our way through.  i think you're doing well, actually.  keep it up, even if you get down sometimes, you're still moving forward.  big hug, sweetie.

[Contessa]

Yeah I think so too. Overall, getting  my strength back for now. Reasserting myself, but the responses are no longer a shock.

I am quite literally surprised when someone says "I'm sorry, will make sure I do that in future". I never expect it from my family now.

Definitely a step forward Thank you San xo Rad and Wife

[sanmagic7]

i wonder if your family members are seeing some of these strong, assertive changes in you, and are making some of their own changes accordingly?  hmmm . . .  interesting.  at any rate, i'm glad you're getting some pos. responses from at least some of them.  nothin' bad about that!

[Contessa]

I got that apology from the person who posted the photo. No questions asked, they know theres a history but I have not spoken to them about what it is. Issue nipped, on to the next thing in life...

I will never, ever get that from my family. Ever. I did get "you have to always assume everyone is okay" from one, absoute silence from the others, and a thumbs up for responding with a reiteration that I am not okay and never have been with this issue.

Absurd.

[sanmagic7]

indeed.  sorry, i thought you had been referring to a family member.  i goofed.  i'm just glad someone apologized for something.  like you said, on to the next thing . . .

[Contessa]

Not a goof San, I was a bit ambiguous.

But yes, feels good. The good shocks May they keep coming for one and all

[Kizzie]

Sorry Contessa, I just saw this thread. 

I wrote a message to my family: knowing what you know, have you ever thought to ask me if I am okay? Ever?

That is the most life affirming statement you wrote to your family   It looks a lot to me like your self starting to unfurl and reassert your value and worth and right to ask those kinds of questions of the people who are supposed to love and care for you.

I am sorry it has been difficult for you. Perhaps next time it won't be quite as bad, and then better and better each time you speak up for your self, for wonderful you.   

[Contessa]

Thank you so much Kizzie and everyone.

The funny thing is I was this assertive at the beginning, six years ago. I was still a successful teacher, had healthy boundaries with people, was adventurous, and embarking on new and exciting things... but I thought they  had my back. My assertion was met with silence and invalidation back then and so I fell into anger and passivity.

Now, I know to expect the extremes of silence and rude, selfish and aggressive language, and not "what would you like us to do".

So yesterday it got nasty again, and I could move on! That's a win. I'm coming back