Feeling emotionally abandoned all over again

Wife#2 · January 20, 2017, 02:08:22 PM

I've been dealing with my anger as I realize all the little ways my father abandoned me after divorcing my mother. It got worse when he remarried. Somehow, I've been cast as the family misfit, unworthy, forgotten.

Over the years, I've come to accept that I was last on the list in my father's eyes. Not just because I was youngest, I'd managed to move down below my step-siblings and my niece. Just because, I guess, it was easier for him that way. I hate it, it hurts and it makes me angry, but I've come to accept it.

I thought it might change a little when I had a son. It seemed that it was changing for a while. He came to see my son (when he was 2 months old). He called more often. I would go into debt to visit him, causing problems for me at home. But, the phone calls tapered off. The letters stopped. I'd get little 'How are you' emails once in a while, but not much else. I was doing most of the calling, to keep him up to date on my son's life. I was happy to do it, I do believe that a child needs to know his/her grandparents if they're alive.

See, it's not like there's anything overt going on. I was just a low priority. He didn't treat me bad (except that one time after I got married when he and his wife reamed me for an hour for doing the marriage my way and denying him the right to walk me down the isle). He just wasn't / isn't there.

But, this week has been a really harsh one. The reality of where I stand with him is now crystal clear. I simply do not matter. All his talk of worrying about me is junk. He worries because he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't find OUT how I'm doing. If he'd been calling, he'd know that things are actually pretty good right now in my life. Instead, he sits in his house, states away and worries. And schedules a heart catheterization. And forgets to mention it to me - as an upcoming thing or as a done deal. Nothing. And I talked to him around Christmas (his birthday is then). Nope, nothing. I find out only because I emailed him two days ago, asking how he was - since I hadn't heard anything in so long, anything real.

'I get my heart checked at the end of the month and I've had shots for my eyes again.' (barely changed from actual verbiage).

What? Really? Are you kidding me? Do you think so little of me that I don't deserve to know my father had surgery? Did you not think I could handle the news? Did you honestly think I wouldn't care? Well, that last may just be a self-fulfilling prophesy only because I'm so hurt.

No follow up, no 'it was a catheterization and all went well, we've just got a follow up to do'.

Too angry and at work and have to get my job done... Will write more when I can.

By the way -my husband is a hero. He held me and encouraged me and helped me for most of the night. He understands being abused and abandoned by family.

Dee · January 20, 2017, 03:21:08 PM

That is really hurtful and scary. I'm glad you had your husband to help you and validate your feelings. I feel they were justified.

joyful · January 20, 2017, 04:38:58 PM

I'm sorry Wife 2. That is so painful.
Thinking about you

Wife#2 · January 20, 2017, 04:52:15 PM

Thank you both so much! Your validation means more than I can say.

I've been doing some research for help sites on daughters with emotionally distant fathers - it's like a mirror! And, here, I was blaming Mom and her clearly PD ways or GC brother and his bullying. So much fun figuring out I was 'not mattering' on all sides! Ugh.

The good thing is that identification is a big part of the healing and the moving forward. Maybe now that I've identified ALL the sources of emotional abandonment, maybe just maybe I won't get stalled on the road this time.

Thank you again for your responses. It matters. I'm grateful. Thank you.

joyful · January 20, 2017, 04:58:18 PM

You're welcome Wife 2. You've always been so supportive and validating to me.

Wife#2 · January 20, 2017, 06:05:51 PM

Because you are worth validating and caring about!

joyful · January 20, 2017, 08:29:10 PM

And so are you

jdcooper · January 20, 2017, 09:44:16 PM

I also have an emotionally distant father. He picked on me as a young child and yelled inappropriately. My parents divorced. Later he began excluding me from various family vacations. He has been close to my sisters but not me. I am the scapegoat. I too did not have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding-although nothing was said about it. He calls very infrequently. I' m glad because his voice triggers me immensely. I too have spent a lot of money to go visit him and and my grandmother (I was close to her) so he could meet my son and get to know him. Because my grandmother died about a year ago; I don't think I will ever visit him again. His exclusion of me from annual family ski trips is so cruel. My sisters have bonded in this dysfunctional system and unite against me and support his wanting to exclude me from the family. It hurts to realize how little your own father cares about you. I understand your anger. Its hard to come to the realization that your family member simply does not care about you. They are incapable.

Contessa · January 20, 2017, 09:46:27 PM

Feeling the hurt.

to you Wife2 and everyone

Wife#2 · January 20, 2017, 09:56:34 PM

Thank you both for responding.

jdcooper - I've read your story before and it's appalling. You are sincerely a survivor. My father was/is more covert. In part because I don't think it's his natural way. He just began resenting me as a baby because of my being born and the effect that had on my autistic sister. We never recovered is my belief. He's quite capable of good, healthy, sustained relationships where lots of love is shown - just not with me. His wife, I am beginning to believe, encourages the distance while espousing the opposite.

Contessa - thank you for the hug. It was well timed and greatly appreciated!

back to you!

sanmagic7 · January 21, 2017, 01:09:21 AM

with your dad having a covert encourager in this 'game' makes it all the more vicious, to my mind, wife2. double-teaming is something i'm aware of and have been a victim of, and it helps make everything even more confusing. i'm glad you've been able to identify all this - quite a breakthrough for you. i think we often easily identify the obvious, (in this case your mom) but the hidden abuser stays that way often for years cuz we just don't recognize it for what it is. kudos to you - this must've been rough, but i'm happy you made it through. big hug to you my dear.