anniversary of nc and ef

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sanmagic7

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anniversary of nc and ef
« on: January 21, 2017, 01:01:20 AM »
i don't know if this is the kind of anniversary you're meaning, but in 2 days is the anniversary of my ef last year connected to the anniversary of going nc with my daughter and narc ex.  i'm nervous, and along w/ this inauguration and everything around that, my anxiety is stabbing me in the chest.  too many neg. things in too short a time.  for the nonce, i'm living better through chemistry - it helped me sleep last night and today, and the xanas helps take the tension out of my body, which i don't need cuz it hurts my adrenals and keeps them from healing.  also taking tylenol cuz i'm in too much pain right now, and that's tensing me up as well. 

this is just not a good weekend for me.  my chest is tightening just writing about it.  plus, i've been reading van der kolk's book, and am getting guilt feelings cuz it seems like i'm not doing enough (just read the part about alexithymia) and i don't want to seem like that kind of person, but i just can't do it all right now.  that's what i've never liked about self-help books - they give me all this info and what to do with it, and i try to do what's suggested, but i end up over-doing, and going back too many steps, have to recuperate for several days/weeks, and start all over again.  it drives me crazy, which, again, i'm supposed to be staying as stress-free as possible for adrenal healing.  ugh!!!

can't wait till this weekend is over.  i'll have to put the book down again for a while as well.  sucks!  i am still doing my yoga, that helps, but it doesn't sustain me, that tranquil feeling, for very long.  going to watch some tennis now.  that's always relaxing until i get into a match with my fav player, then i get all excited, yelling, etc.  can't win for losing, sometimes.

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radical

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2017, 01:56:55 AM »
I'm sorry it's such a rough weekend (or will be, I never quite get the time zones - it's Saturday afternoon here)
Bound to raise all sorts of painful memories.  I'm not surprised it's put you into such a tough place.

When I first tried reading the van Der Kolk, I had to put it down for a long time.  Far too triggering and distressing.  I think you have to be in a reasonably secure place for that one.

I know what you mean about overdoing things.  I remember being on a course of exercises with a physio.  He ended up banning me from doing most of them in case I gave myself another injury from overdoing the remedial exercises.  I don't know what comes over me sometimes.  I never seem to be able to find that happy medium.

Be kind to yourself.  I hope you find comfort in watching the tennis.
 :hug: :hug: :hug:

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Dee

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2017, 03:21:11 AM »

I seem to be an all or nothing type of person.  I don't do anything half way and it is exhausting.  Yoga is wonderful, I am glad you have that.  All I can empathize for you this weekend is self care.  Get some rest.  Don't do anything you don't want to and if it means you tell someone you are sick that is perfectly fine.  I am actually just reciting what my therapist tells me after a tough time, but it really helps.

You do that and I'll try to do the same.

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sanmagic7

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2017, 04:31:47 AM »
thanks, ladies.  yeah, trying to find a balance of how much to do and when has always been difficult for me.  i've gotten better, but it still creeps in, especially when it's something new, like reading this book.  thanks for the permission, both of you, to take it slow,  put the book down till i'm ready again, and just do what i need to do for me.  i appreciate it a lot.  hugs to you both.  we really are all in this together, aren't we!

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Kizzie

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2017, 06:41:17 PM »
I think the anniversary you're struggling with is exactly what this forum is for San and I'm so sorry to hear it's tough going this weekend.  No matter what we try to tell ourselves, important, emotional days like this creep up on us and can be so overwhelming. Going NC in your situation was not so much a choice as a necessity and it's just hard to accept, that life sucks sometimes and puts us in a position where we suffer some really big losses.  Maybe as Dee and Radical have suggested, be kind to yourself, rest, and if the tennis proves too stimulating switch to something a little less stressful on your system.  Thinking of you  :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2017, 02:11:27 AM »
thanks, kizzie.  very appreciated.  and  :hug: back to you as well.  the nc anniversary is tomorrow, the ef anniversary is 2 days later.  yesterday was rough.  i got some sleep, and am feeling better today.  we'll see what happens in the next few days.  i'm so glad i found all of you.  i can't imagine doing this without you all.  earth mother embrace!

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Contessa

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 04:39:19 AM »
Such tough days to go through. As a consequence I utterly and whole heartedly dislike the word 'anniversary'.

An idea of mine that, as you would now be aware of the circumstances of why it could never come to pass Sanmagic7, was to reclaim the day of the anniversary.

Year 1 of my miscarriage was excruciating. Scientific logical reasoning is no match for the physical responses your body makes. Although I had made sure I made plans for that day, the inbetween hours felt like Eons.

So I made the decision to reclaim the day. Every anniversary (or Whiskey Day as I call it) I would surround myself with good friends  and family and reflect on all the good things that happened over the previous year, take note of my achievements and growth, and have some good people to share some fun with... and that is exactly how I found out that I had no good friends or family. That's when the trauma moved in permanently.

But non the less I still think it is a great idea. Six years in and I haven't yet pulled it off, maybe this year. Every year though, I stop for about half an hour and have a quiet nip for my baby (odd I know but its a little ritual picked up from dad on the day of a death).

I know the weekend is nearly over, but perhaps this could be worth a try next year? For this year I am with you, by your side, having a drink, and reminiscing about some good road trips in old cars without maps, and planning the next adventure...

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sanmagic7

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2017, 02:44:12 PM »
i love road trips!  they're one of my favorite things, contessa, without gps.  i don't mind maps, cuz i can always change my mind on the road, and often have.

today is the actual 'anniversary' of eliminating my daughter from my life.  i thought i'd be better prepared, but it just ain't so.  dang, this is so painful.  i wish with all my heart it didn't need to happen.  but, it was so horrible with her in my life, i just couldn't take it anymore.  so, instead of an entire year of feeling crappy, i'll settle for these few days surrounding this particular day.

most people in 12-step groups celebrate the anniversaries of when they quit their addiction.  except for cigarettes, i can't remember any of those.  alc and drugs didn't seem important enough or something to remember when i quit.  i know it was around 15 yrs. ago, cuz that's when my hub and i got together, and he was in rehab at the time.  i quit sometime in there to support him.

but quitting my daughter, that's a whole nother ballgame.  that was 2 yrs. ago today.  and in 3 days was when my body reacted to the shock of it, my back spasmed, i couldn't walk upright for a week, and i was brought to my knees emotionally.  i almost quit myself that day.  it was almost too much.

so, i struggle through these days, extensively on the verge of tears as i'm writing this.  i cried with my hub last night, but it's so frustrating for him cuz he wants to make it better for me and can't, and i hate putting him through that.  i so hope this will get better over time.  i so hope so.

contessa, i'm so very sorry for the loss of your baby.  in a way, i can relate.  losing a child has to be the most difficult thing for a mom to go through, no matter what form it takes.  this just sucks.  an eating day for sure.  xanax will help release some of the tension.  my packers are in the championship game today, and there's some good tennis on.  but some yuckheads across the street woke me up with their loud music around 3, and i've been up since then.  not sleeping does nothing for my state of mind.

ugh!  i can't even recognize all my emotions/feelings around all this.  pain, for sure.  there must be anger in there.  sadness all over the place.  hate.  love.  tension.  stress.  my muscles are all bunched up.  my chest is tight.  i feel sicky.  ok, this too shall pass.  god, give me the strength to make it through today.  please.

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Contessa

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2017, 09:13:37 PM »
Sanmagic7 I am just so glad that we can meet here, right now. This is definitely a whole new ballgame I agree.

Year 1... I had no idea either. The body does tremendous things that we cannot control. But its not about me today, I want you to know that I am walking with you, crying with you, writhing in agony with you, because I can't stand the idea of you feeling all of it. I want to take some of that away from you.

Let's get through this anniversary together and we'll talk about that road trip soon hey?

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sanmagic7

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #9 on: January 22, 2017, 10:23:54 PM »
thank you, contessa.  i think only another mom would fully understand the depth of this.  it's not right to lose a child, no matter what form it takes.  thank you for your kindness - you allowed a stream of awful to fall from my eyes, my body shuddering.  what you wrote was so sweet, it just broke through my defenses and misery is being released.  thank you thank you thank you.  a road trip would be fabulous, even better than that.  i'm looking forward to it.  this is so horrible i don't have enough words. 

and the packers are losing miserably.  just the cherry on top.  i have no focus right now, can barely move.  i just want to get through today - i have another daughter who depends on me cuz of her own mental health issues.  i just don't know how this happened.  an entire yucked up family, everyone suffering, but especially my babies.  i'd feel like this every day if it would help my oldest, except then i'd be no good to my youngest, and she deserves the best of me.  she's been nothing but a jewel.

so, i'm squished, can't do one thing without hurting my younger daughter.  she told me that our relationship turned for the better when i went nc with her sister.  how can i give that up?  she ended up going nc with her sister about 8 mo. later, and is very bitter about what went down.  i once told her that i keep messages from people i care about on my machine (old school land line), and she immediately asked if i kept messages from her sister.  i told her, no, i deleted them, and i could feel the relief emanating off her.  the elder had kept up a running competition between the two of them from forever.  i think younger was reassured that i wasn't hanging on - she saw what her parents were giving up for her sister for a long time, knew it wasn't right, but felt like she couldn't say anything cuz she wasn't a parent.  different dynamic and all.

anyway, i'm blathering, i know, but it's just coming out.  i feel so terrible.  i hate myself right now, and i don't know why.  that's not usual for me.  i ate badly this morning, punishing myself?  i'm thankful for this place, where i can dump this garbage.  i wish i could physically throw up, my guts are all tangled up.  this is getting gross.  that's just how i'm feeling - like a pile of gross.  wow!  i didn't expect this - it's way worse than i was thinking it might be.  i had a beautiful little baby once and she grew up to be a monster.  i don't know how to process that.  how to make sense of it.  there is no sense to it.  and to have her father do this dance with her all these years, and me being unaware of it.  omg.  right now it feels like too much to bear.  but, i'll bear it for my other daughter.  she deserves that.  she's my focus right now.  i'll keep her within my sights.  she's my life raft right now.  i can't let her know - she doesn't deserve that pressure.

give me the strength to get thru this day. 

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Contessa

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #10 on: January 22, 2017, 10:55:39 PM »
Hang in there! You're doing very well. Feels like #*^/ now, keep letting it escape. Today will end I assure you, and tomorrow will come. Scream, cry, roll through the thoughts today. The 'punch' you feel in the guts will take your mind off the thoughts, the thoughts off the punch. It will be here today, but it will end with today.

Tomorrow will be the day to start planning that trip.

 :hug:
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

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Contessa

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2017, 03:31:41 AM »
You are at the top of my thoughts today San.
Keep hanging in there xo

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sanmagic7

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2017, 01:38:20 PM »
contessa, you were the bulwark of this storm.  i'm feeling much better this morning.  thank you so much for your care and concern and for all your hugs.  they helped so much.

i finally did a funeral for my daughter yesterday, she is dead to me and i laid her to rest.  the beautiful, sweet woman who is in there somewhere will always be in my heart, but the horror that covered that up had to go, to be buried.  that helped so much.  it was emotionally draining, many tears, but i believe they were healing tears, admitting the reality of all this. 

i feel a bit tender today, but stronger, more put together.  i hope that can hold as i go through the next coupla days, the anniversary of my ef happened this week.  i was so afraid that yesterday was going to stay with me for a long time, like the ef did.  it looks like that isn't going to happen.  thanks you, god. 

grateful beyond words for this forum, for all the support you gave me contessa, and for everyone here who cares about me.  thank you hardly seems enough.  by the by, contessa, i'm ready for that road trip now.  it would be frickin' great!!!   i don't even know what country you're in!  wherever it is, i'm ready to explore.  it's been a long time.

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Kizzie

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2017, 06:48:44 PM »
Here listening and sending you many, many  :hug: 

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Contessa

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Re: anniversary of nc and ef
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2017, 09:19:09 PM »
XoxOxoXOXxoxo
So relieved San, been thinking of you and was looking forward to hearing from you on the other side.

Australia! Beautiful country to explore.