This is my life.

[marycontrary]

I posted this on another PTSD board, but I did not get a lot of input. I am a survivor of extreme child abuse, Both of my parents were extreme, off the chart addicts, yet pretended like nothing was wrong. I was made to work like a slave in the hot Texas heat as a small child, and made to work the family farm in intense winters in Arkansas. I was doing most of the work, while my father drank. I went without food, medical care, and was screamed at, called fat and ugly, and parentified constantly. There were good times, sure. But my family left me in a lurch more times than I could count.  I score an 7 or 8 on the Adverse Childhood Experience *ACE* scale.

This is what I have lost in the last 7 years.
1.  Career as a scientist
2. 2 abusive marriages (thought I was going to get killed with the last one)
3. stable home (10 moves in 9 years)
4. 2 cats to being eaten by wildlife outside my home, 1 to other circumstances
5. My entire FOO
6. Two businesses
7. Endless string of toxic "friends"
8. My mom and grandmother, both of my maternal grandparents, and almost my dad (
9. All my stuff
10. All my earnings

It seems like I was absolutely helpless as I desperately tried to stop things from going down the drain. I am a conscientious, very responsible person. To just stand there and watch relationships go to sh??, with nothing I could do to stop it, because the other person just could not stop being a sh>> stain. There seems to be a huge discrepancy between what I put into things and what I get out.

If my life was a balance sheet, it would show huge net losses. Not a profitable enterprise. Not really worth it.

I have always thought and I still strongly do, that it is not wise to have children. I don't think it is wise for any of my family, given the strong dysfunctional history and tonnes of stuff undealt with. I really like children, but like an Aunt. They wear me out really quick emotionally.

Now, I walk through life detached from any expectation.  I am not attached to my stuff. I have disrupted attachments in my relationships, as they could end tomorrow. I have lost so many people abruptly. Plus a lot of people are really, really screwed up and would just bring me down...got to be careful of the friends you do make. I have been threatened, smeared, abandoned, lied to by my family and close friends. I have gone through almost every by of betrayal imaginable, out of nowhere.

I have to live a very strict life. I cannot eat poorly, or be in a high stress environment. I can't have TV, and I only see 1 or 2 movies a year. Can't do CNN, Fox, etc. Or violent shows or movies. Can't have gluten, dairy, or coffee or I will get really ill. I have to work from home. I don't make a lot of money, but I am a very good manager of what I have. I wanted a good career with financial security commensurate with my drive, abilities, and talents, but no matter what I did or how hard I tried, I just could not materialize it. The system was broken.

I have lived through 3rd world like poverty. I have done large amounts of physical labor that men twice my size  do. I have applied for a 1000+ jobs. I have taken care of 4 dying family members and set up hospice, arrangements, fighting with greedy doctors. Trying to get them medical care in a dying system.

I have desperately needed medical care, but just could not access it because of poverty. No matter what I did, it was inadequate to get me out of the * hole. I saw inept, dishonest people weasel their way to the top, while I battled homelessness. I could never figure it out why I was busting my *, trying to operate from an angle of integrity, and being punished for it.

Now, I have a good life. I live in a beautiful part of the world. Have a nice little place. Eat all organic foods. Go to the symphony and ballet, and endless other things. I travel  (on the super cheap) all the time. I have what are seemingly great friends. I do some really neat art. I look and feel really good most days. It could all change on a dime, but it is much, much better than what I had before. What bothers me is that I have no sense of future. I am so detached that I do not care to see my family ever again. I feel a profound disconnect with my belonging and my friends. Or even my life. Or the prospects of a healthy mate.  I do have a boyfriend back in the US, but because of his tantrums, I will probably have to break it off.

[marycontrary]

Also, I am very well familiar with the likes of Pete Walker, Van Der Kolk, The ACE project, etc. etc.. My advanced degree was in physiology, and I have wrote papers and did studies on physiological stress.

I have been in therapy after going through about a dozen therapists. I keep track of the latest theories and developments and I apply them. I feel like I could be one of the top experts, but I cannot handle the very ugly and corrupt research and academic field.

If I had just been given a chance, one small bone, I could have really made a huge, huge difference in this field. Huge. Being a little bit autistic, I did not know how to sleep the the right person, or lick the right boot, to get ahead.

[Rain]

Welcome, marycontrary.    I'm glad you made your way here.   

My words could only fall short for what you have been through.   It appears you have distanced, most literally, from it all ...but, yet there it is inside you.   The detachment from others, when you so want the connection ...but "people are dangerous"

I am glad you made your way here, and I am sad with the lack of input, response on the other online forum.   Who knows why.   What matters is that you are here ...now.

I hear you on your knowledge, your background, and the irony itself of being in the career you were in.   The intellect, and the emotions ...well, they are different ...you know.    I hear the bitterness ...and I hear the deep sorry in your words, as well.

Your career is / was not who you are.   That enslaved little kid in you can come out of the fields of Texas and Arkansas now.   

Hope and future, attachment to others, for you to fully be you is what I am hearing.   I'm sorry for your past, for what you have gone through.   It does need to be grieved, lessons learned, and the internal Journey to Healing traveled.

I look forward to your posts, and sharing, marycontrary.



Rain

[marycontrary]

Thank you so much for your response, Rain.

I just did a tapping session and I feel somewhat better.  I have really, really busted my * in my life. I have loved the ones who betrayed me more than life itself. I cannot believe how little my effort has gotten me. I have nothing, literally nothing, to show for anything.

[Sandals]

Oh, Mary.    That is so much for one person to carry, so much to heal from. And yet, here you are. I admire your courage and strength to get all the way to here and still give love. And that's something that's enormous to have. 

I am also a fan of tapping. And proud to stand beside you in your journey here.

[Toby]

(((MaryContary)))

Good to run into you here as well! I look forward to your excellent shares as always!

[Pixelpixiestick]

Welcome, I hope this board helps you find some of the answers you need. You've been through a lot, and it seems as though your stress is continual. This site is wonderful, and you will be amazed to find others who have the same thought processes. The detachment clearly sounds like a defense mechanism, which has helped you come this far; now, it's time to be you, and love yourself. You'll get through it.

Cheers

[Rain]

You have YOU, marycontrary!

And that is a gem to harvest.

Also, keep in mind you have people right here on this web page FOR YOU!   So, you DO have something to show for in this life ...right here  ...right now.

We are valuable people that find value in YOU.   okay?

[Whobuddy]

It saddens me that you went through all that. You have come to the right place. The people on this forum are very positive and helpful. It has been like a refreshing drink of cool water in the short time I have been here.

[marycontrary]

Wow, you guys are precious. Thank you so much for all of the uplifting comments. I was having a bad day yesterday, but today is much better. I am working very actively to recover from this because it left me completely nonfunctional at various times in my life. And because I have nobody, per se, this could mean homelessness and starvation.

I am discovering that this process is like peeling an onion. You think you are over it, and yet another layer pop up, another aspect, flashback that was buried, and you have to deal with it. It is finite, the number of layers, but there are a lot of them, and the agony in dealing with layer after layer can make it seem that it is hopeless sometimes.

Thank you guys, Thanks for this forum.

[Rain]

Glad you are here, marycontrary!

Bad days are just fine, and so are good days too at OOTS.   

I hear you on the feeling of the looming possibility of starving, and being homeless.   And, they can be quite REAL concerns.   In addition to the reality of that, there is the common symptom of "disaster focus" with CPTSD which comes from the Inner Critic.

I know you are familiar with Pete Walker's work.    I am too, but I stilllll slip into "disaster focus" ...including thinking I will go homeless.   

Onward, marycontrary!     

[Badmemories]

Hi Mary,
Welcome! I can identify by almost everything that You say!!
I try to be a regular person on this board ...but due to ALL the mental pain that I am going through I have to step back, I have to process things, Then I get back up and start all over again. It is not easy, but the ONE thing I do know about Myself is that I am a survivor!  I will get through this also. You really are not alone here.  The One thing that makes me happy to hear from You is that YOU ARE YOUNG...I surly wish that I could have realized what I know now, at a much Younger age! The driving force for me is that I know that I can and will get well from this.

I did want to say that the open enrolment for Obama care is NOW..have You tried to go on the computer and apply? I know some states did not sign up for that hopefully YOURS was not one of them...

Also there are Free groups in lots of larger cities  that You could go to when YOU get better and are able to get out in public again. This is one that has help in many states. http://www.nami.org/

For me I realize that to get well I have to follow the links that are given here. I need to post as much as I can, and  I need to read as much as I can on the boards. I have gone to counseling, but at the time I went c-PTSD was unheard of, hard to get help from something that was not recognized!

We/I am glad You are here! I know that You will be able to help US as much as we will try to help You. You are on the Yellow brick road now!  Thank You for Joining Us.

Keep on keepin on!

P.S I love Your allegories in Your opening statement!!

[marycontrary]

So sorry I did not see you reply...thank you!!!

Thank GOD I am in a country now with comprehensive health care. 15 years of living in Texas without insurance, there was absolutely NOTHING I could access. I didn't have kids because I was responsible, but it shuts you out of everything. Plus, Texas is one of those states where they rejected medicaid. What a 3rd world. It is freaking scary in the US.

Thanks again...