Today I feel... (Part 1)

[Badmemories]

today I feel lonely, used and sad!  .

[Kizzie]

....wonderful, just so happy to be here and with my FOC and heading into a new year that holds so much promise and hope.

[flookadelic]

Chronic physical pain
Kindness towards the crap feelings that arise from my chronic pain
Sorrow as I have recalled abusive stuff but hope that it may benefit others and so acquire real meaning and preciousness.
Sense of battling brain fog as I have stuff to do tomorrow and I hope I notice the post it notes I have left myself.
General background sorrow.
One bad EF today but was the short but severe sort.
Gratitude for my friends.

[Trees]

Yes, general background sorrow, for sure, and fear and grief, etc

Plenty of fluctuating brain fog with intermittent flashbacks.

Amazement and gratitude that I am alive at all, and, more importantly, that I am actually glad to be alive these days.  And that I feel better this year than maybe ever.

Gratitude that I have a home and a FOC (two live canine cuddlers).  Having experienced homelessness, there are lots of "little" things that fill me with gratitude, like hot running water!  and a bathtub!

And I am happy to be here.

[Badmemories]

Deaflated... I come to the realization that I need to make more changes in My life to heal.  I wrote to Rain a little bit about the flying Monkeys in my life and Rain wrote in PM

I have an easier time keeping up with a TV soap opera storyline / family history than I do with your life, friend.   Simply unbelievable ...and, all this in a tiny town.

And, how many PDs can you endure!?

I so hope this all calms down for you, Pam, so you can heal.   Finish healing.

It dawned on Me that with ALL the stress and PD's that I have in My life, how can I heal? I mean I really AM making progress from Last year.. But I keep getting bombarded with problems others are putting on Me that I can't have time to heal. Kizzy here somewhere wrote that She was in survival mode for so long... That,s me I am in survival mode yet!

I am still helping so many people out I still do not have time to concentrate on MY healing! The best thing is that I AM NOT as depressed as I usually am... But still find Myself in a freeze mode often. (At least not months and days on end like I used to be!!)

Anyway just My thoughts... Not sure what to do yet... Still in thinking mode!

Keep on keeping on!

[Rain]

Sending you a hug, Badmemories.     It is a challenge we all have in building distance and protection from PDs in our life.    Sadly, there are good people that get recruited by the PDs to be those flying monkeys, so I know for me, I've had to distance from them also.

Life was never guaranteed to be fair.   But, we can make positive, healing choices for ourselves now.

[Rain]

Yes, general background sorrow, for sure, and fear and grief, etc

Plenty of fluctuating brain fog with intermittent flashbacks.

Amazement and gratitude that I am alive at all, and, more importantly, that I am actually glad to be alive these days.  And that I feel better this year than maybe ever.

Gratitude that I have a home and a FOC (two live canine cuddlers).  Having experienced homelessness, there are lots of "little" things that fill me with gratitude, like hot running water!  and a bathtub!

And I am happy to be here.

I treasure your post, Trees.    I am guilty for taking for granted what is denied many.   A warm home on a cold day, blankets, proper boots, hot running water ...a bathtub.   What would I do without a bathtub to soak my hurts away?

Most of all, those beautiful, unconditional love fur friends.  Smiles here.

Not so little things.    And, it is easy to focus on what "I do not have and others do" (which is destructive envy), instead a focus of gratitude in the gifts I do have.

I'm glad you are alive, as you share a gift of deeper awareness for me, friend.    Happy, truly Happy, New Year, Trees.

Onward!

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear you are deflated BadMemories  but I also see that you wrote The best thing is that I AM NOT as depressed as I usually am... But still find Myself in a freeze mode often. (At least not months and days on end like I used to be!!)   so another    and also "Yay you!"      

[Kizzie]

   BeHealthy, I hope tomorrow is better.

[Kizzie]

Bummed - it was a "bad news comes in threes" kind of day yesterday and I'm still feeling it today.  BUT, I did not dissociate (admittedly I really kind of wanted to  ), and I did not have an EF (those I don't want any more so really make an effort to not allow past trauma to overlay current difficulties and seem to be getting better at it).   I think "bummed" is a more 'normal' response to life's ups and downs so in one way I'm pleased but it still sucks to feel bummed  .

BHeart - that's awesome that you got a little furry friend - best therapy ever!  What's his/her name?   

[Stormwolf]

Broken.  Took my new husband several states south to meet my family last week. Got back Thursday. Broke down crying and sobbing and screaming  after trying to burn some badness out snowshoeing, but got too cold/frustrated after a minute or two.  Thought I could handle seeing my mother for a few days. Guess not- all she's done is gotten worse in every way possible.   

[Kizzie]

Oh Stormwolf, sorry it did not go well      It may be that because you are starting to see you M's behaviour for what it is and to want a better life and relationships for yourself it will feel bad when you are around them.  I got to the point where even an hour with some of the really PD FOO members was too much. It just scraped nerves that were already rubbed raw too much to be around them and her. 

Is it possible that you aren't handling your M because you are ready to not handle her anymore, that it is too much to ask of yourself?  Perhaps your anger and grief are healthy and have to do with wanting better for yourself, and that it is you saying "Enough is enough, I will not put up with this anymore" 

  x 10 for you on a hard day.

[anosognosia]

-hormonal
-slightly tired
-a little unbalanced
-calm and quiet
-withdrawn

[schrödinger's cat]

A "friend" did that to me once. It did a number on my ability to trust people. Well, another number, since I've had trust issues anyway. I thought about it a lot, trying to find closure. My husband recommends the following closure: "some people are jerks". I'm coming to think that he's got a point.

[wingnut]

I believe one sign of recovery is when we start cutting people like this out of our lives to make room for healthy relationships. If you can't discuss this and feel validated, let er rip. There are lots of good people worthy of our friendship. Best to you.