The new journal for me - stage 2

[Wife#2]

I'm going to start a new journal now. I've fulfilled the purpose of the first one. I have recovered a lot of my childhood memories. There are still huge chunks, but I'm also almost 50, so that's to be expected somewhat. I feel more confident that I remember who I have been and who I am. I remember better now why some of that changed or got stuffed down.

Now, I'm going to attempt to weave all this together into the story of me. I will try to forgive the hurts, at least in my own heart. I will try to learn the lessons I can from what I went through, so the pain doesn't go on into the next generation. I will do the work to build into myself the assurance that I am not a victim but a survivor. And that at no time did I deserve these things that happened to me. I will build my faith in God as that is important to me.

Further, I will use this space to vent out the poisons of the abuse and the reinforcements that come my way at the hands of my FOO and the world at large. I will vent that poison so that it doesn't infect me further, or infect my FOC. There will likely be trigger warnings at the top of many of my posts here.

This website is saving my life and with it my marriage and the mental and emotional health of my son. There are no words to describe HOW powerful that help and this community have been and remain. Thank you to the dedicated staff and hard-working folks who make this website possible.

[sanmagic7]

wow!  how very cool, wife2.  turning a corner of recovery is such a biggie.  i'm so happy for you. 

absolutely, spit out that poison.  you've been doing such great work and having wonderful results.  may it keep going in that direction for you.  with you all the way!

[Wife#2]

Don't need a trigger warning - I needed a *stupid* alarm this morning.

Being out on Friday meant that I had a TON of emails to sort through this morning. So, I was attacking them and found one from GC brother. Now, that is like completely unprecedented. So, I opened it.

It was from GC bro, speaking of his relief on some health news from Dad. I saw that it was part of a conversation, but nowhere in that conversation did I see that it had ever been sent to me except by GC bro. So, I expressed my relief to Dad and thanked GC bro for forwarding the email to me.

OOPS - I scanned down the emails after clicking send and found - the original letter from Dad, sent Friday. I didn't see any of it until today.

So, later, Dad sends a letter in all caps saying he could have sworn he sent that to me.

I fessed up and told him that he had, but that I hadn't seen it in the huge file of emails until after I sent my thanks to GC bro.

Open jaw, insert size 7's, close jaw.  And *. *. *. *. Because the entire family was copied on this whole thing.

So, looks like I'm suffering from thin skin about Dad forgetting me so much. And, apparently he's pretty thin skinned about me calling him on it. Maybe he did realize, after it took me so long to answer his other email, that maybe he HAD been forgetting me lately. There's nothing like realizing that you've made a habit of forgetting one of your children - except being called on it. Bad for the forgotten child to use the ONE time she's included to make the point.

So, I'm feeling pretty stupid. I also feel like the whole family has witnessed my rudeness - and it will all be ascribed to me since I 'started it' with thanking GC bro. They won't go back and see that I haven't been included in family emails for a while - like years. They won't go back and think about all the times the phone chain included everyone but me. They'll just see my irritation at Dad for excluding me - when he didn't. Psycho daughter once again.

CAN I PLEASE GET AN *ING BREAK HERE? PLEASE? I finally work up the courage to confront - which was mammoth in itself - and blow it for the whole family to see!

I'm sure the phones and emails have been buzzing since then. And, the joke of it was that I wasn't even rude, really.  I just thanked GC bro for forwarding the email to me and wished Dad well, glad for his good medical news.

*. Now what was that - I'm not the family *up? Trying to believe that, not convinced today.

[bring em all in]

Doesn't sound like you did anything wrong- thanking your brother does not = blasting your father for leaving you out of the loop. And you acknowledged missing your dad's email in the backup from Friday. You deserve forgiveness for this oversight. If they choose not to that is on them, not you- although it falls on your head.

I do the same thing in terms of guessing/knowing what others are thinking and doing. Sometimes I am correct and other times not so much. I'm trying not to be such a mind-reader these days.

I'm not going to tell you not to feel stupid because that would be to invalidate your feelings. But I will say I see what you did as an honest mistake, and I hope you forgive yourself even if they don't.

[sanmagic7]

o wife2, i echo what beai said - i don't see you as stupid or rude.  from what you said, you maybe missed something, but that's just a mistake, isn't it?  don't we get to make mistakes w/o being thought of as stupid or rude?

yeah, i just wrote in my journal about being accepted even tho i'm not perfect.  well, i think that pertains to you as well.   and you said i was wonderful, even if flawed.  well, back atcha, sweetie.   i understand the sensitivity issue because it's family, that maybe you're more sensitive to your own mistakes when family is involved.  on the other hand, honesty is not a mistake, nor is truthfulness.  what is, is - no mistake about that. 

so, i hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself about this.  we're not going to be perfect at any of this, whether it's about family, relationships, parenting, whatever.   given that, i think it's important that we give ourselves a break when we mess up.  people are messy, and some of it is going to spill over.   what would you say to a friend who did this?  would you call her stupid?  i think one of the most difficult things i'm learning is to be a friend to myself first.  big hug to you, dear wife2.

[Wife#2]

Can anyone see that molehill? Or did I bury it nicely under all that mountain of my 'mind-reading' of family members?

WOW, you both are amazing, knowing exactly what to say, in all kindness, to help me put this back into perspective.

Thank you both so very, very much! I'm much calmer now. Whew. Breathing. And being much kinder to myself and my family (by not deciding how they feel without even talking to them).

[sanmagic7]

glad you're calmer, wife2.  and pretty funny as well - you put a big smile on my face with your molehill comment!  thanks - i needed that today!  ever onward!

[Wife#2]

*** TRIGGER WARNING - sexual exploitation and rape  ***

I've been having to cut back on visits to this website - work is picking up and I still don't have enough privacy to feel comfortable visiting while at home.

Thank you to everyone who's been patient with me.

I've been trying to process a bunch of anger about all the realizations I've had in the past few months. I haven't been doing a very good job with it and I'm so stinking sick and tired of the ringing in my ears! I know it's not medical as far as blood pressure - recent visit to doc for unrelated 'regular' situation found BP to be just fine.

For some reason I've been feeling tons of anger, not at Dad or Mom or even GC brother. It's been at that boss from my last job who sexually harassed me for years. It went on for years because I let it. I landed in hospital with the depression related to consequences when I did finally end it.

I just thought of the reason it's on my mind so strongly. I read the post anyway, but it's the one about the vagina, as posted by Rosemarie. That violence to that one part of a woman's body has such overwhelming and long-lasting consequences for that woman. I do want to read the book she recommended, but as badly triggered as I am just from her post, I don't think I'm really ready. And, while I go through this, my husband may pay a consequence that he's not willing to understand.

Hubby knows about * boss. I was still working there when we met. I'd already ended the thing and had my stint at the hospital. I told hubby parts of it, but never the whole, entire story. I wasn't sure I could tell it without being confusing. And, he was so busy hating the * for my sake that I was honestly afraid he'd do violence to the * boss if he knew it all. Still, he did cuss the man more than once - which boss didn't understand but should have.

Ever since all that, hubby doesn't understand why memories can still get to me. He doesn't understand why one awkward comment from a boss now can send me reeling. He doesn't get why sometimes, when he's insistent about relations, I freak out and go cold and just can't even think about it for a while - sometimes days. He's a very practical - it happened, you survived, move on - kind of man. He's moved on from worse childhood stuff and just as much horror in his adult life as I've survived. I get that he doesn't want me to hurt anymore. But, telling me it's time to get over it just doesn't help the situation at all.

I try to talk to hubby, but unless it's about me being all better and him finally having the sex life he thinks he deserves, he really doesn't want to hear it.  And since the issue is how men in my life have used my freeze/fawn and people-pleaser nature to take advantage of me so many times and that sex is a HUGE part of how I was used - even when it was consensual.  Hubby and I were watching something and a commercial came on talking about sexual politics (it was the news and they were talking about super bowl commercials). How men and women aren't treated equal. The standard-issue-male-not-politically-correct comments came from hubby. I sat and listened and tried to not go off on him. He saw my expression and 'God, Wife2, you didn't think I was serious, did you?'

I want to talk more about this, but will have to come back later. Work calls....

[sanmagic7]

sexual stuff is so pervasive - it's gotten out of hand, to my way of thinking.  i heard a comedian say that with porn being so very accessible now, due to the internet, that men are developing porn brains because of it.  they're believing that women are simply sexual objects, there's nothing more to do with them, and they want to have relationships like the ones they see on the screen.  it's sickening and disheartening and disgusting all at the same time.

i hate that you had to go through that experience, wife2.  it really sucks.  and the idea of 'it's in the past, why don't you just let it go/get over it?' burns my rubber.  sex is invasive for a woman, and men don't get that, at last not hetero men.  they won't ever get it unless they've been raped.  i really feel for you, my dear.  it's just so ugly, and the triggers are everywhere. 

i hope you can find some space and time to physically get that anger out, even if it's in pieces.  and, no problem if you can't visit here - your reasons are always valid, just as are your thoughts and feelings.   we'll be here when you can make it.  when you can't, we'll miss you, but we'll still be here for you when you return.  sending you energy and healing in this time of your struggles with this.  it's a gritch!

[Wife#2]

I have a lot to say on this, really I do. But, I'm at work and it's busy and people keep coming into my office.

*** Triggers about sexual relationship, marriage, etc. ***

My husband wanted to marry me because he decided that getting hard at our first meeting was a sign that he loved me. That 'leaking a little' when we first kissed meant we were meant to be together.

I didn't realize this until after we were married, but he based our entire relationship on the lust he felt. He didn't and couldn't know me well enough to love me. The best he could do was be attracted and be fond of me and love the idea of what our relationship could be - given his physical response.

I've had to compromise in ways I didn't think I would or could. He's made compromises as well. I think that overall, we have a good marriage. I think we're going to make it past these stumbles and fumbles. I do just wish he'd hear me when I speak about certain things, like his general attitude that women in power got there by sleeping with men. He'll either say something like, 'I see how SHE got HER power, and why someone would want sex with her' - not quite that blatant, but the gist is right. Or, he'll say, 'How did SHE ever get in THAT position? Who'd she sleep with?' Implying of course that women use their bodies to get what they want, and that's the only way they can.

In a way, I think I feed that delusion of his. Because, to have a stable home, a man to call husband and a father for my child, I do use my body. I give it to him even when he's been a total jerk towards me - so I can have these things. I give it to him as if it means nothing, really, to me. This is where I have my big dilemmas. Do I love him, really? Does he love me, really? Are we using each other? Him to have a steady partner for sex when he wants/needs it?

Then, there are the times when he is supportive and helpful and kind. Not affectionate, he will never be able to comfortably show me affection. But those other things feel a lot like love to me. And at those times, I give him my body more often. And he takes that gift for granted - expecting that it will always be offered at that frequency or more often and complaining when not.

And, just when I'm getting more relaxed and starting to open myself to the idea that we do love each other, he brings up porn or anal sex or something else I've said no to a thousand times - with solid reasons why my answer must remain NO. Or, he'll begin mocking the credentials of powerful or highly visible women. And I tighten up. And I freeze. I and want a divorce because this is never changing. And I realize that love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. And I want to cry.

Right now, today, I'm in the place where I gave my gift, it was received but also expected. This after an evening of watching women wrestlers, making fun of them as women, making comments about a VERY suggestive commercial for a model in VERY SUGGESTIVE and submissive poses for her new calendar and making cracks about the dress the weather lady was wearing (Looks like SHE's headed to the club as soon as the news wraps! Which is tame, it used to be, looks like SHE wants some action tonight!).  I'm angry that my gift is taken for granted and that he still doesn't understand why his comments are so wrong.

Maybe he'd understand if his daughter was model thin or built or sexy. Actually, he wouldn't get it any more than the men who turn our daughter down for employment.

She's beautiful, don't get that wrong, but she's very overweight and dresses sloppy - very much like her mother. It's bad enough that she's being judged and not given jobs even with all the qualifications. But, hubby doesn't understand that it's the attitude of men like him that is putting pressure on his daughter to conform or be left out. She won't conform - she's happy with who she is. But those men who want women they would consider banging on their payroll who reject her. And they enforce and perpetuate the idea that women must use their bodies to get anywhere or do anything.  Her brother, who got the same college degree and has the same overweight, sloppy appearance, but is MALE, got a job less than a month after graduation. She is looking and it's been almost a year since graduation.

And I want to scream at my husband that it is men who think like he does (and like prez does) that keep this horrible reality going! And I get very angry when he expects my body in order to be motivated to provide security, companionship and support. Not desires, not encourages, but expects. He has even said it's his due. And that ANY man would expect sex on HIS schedule or would leave - or cheat on - his wife. Tell me that's not a threat. I finally figured out these things, but still can't determine if he's telling the truth - his view on relationships IS shared by too many men for me to find one who thinks differently.

I'm rambling and having to switch between work and this post. It's getting very incoherent. And, I'm getting angry again. This time at hubby. For the marriage of diminishing returns for me at least.

[joyful]

I'm so sorry Wife2. that is so hard. I completely understand how you feel and I think you're anger is valid. You deserve to be safe and to be kept safe, no matter what that means for you. I'm so sorry your husband doesn't understand that. It would make me mad too. It makes me mad that you have to go through that. I know first hand how pervasive sexual stuff is. Even thinking about guys using porn makes me sick. literally physically ill. (not that your husband is, i don't know and it isn't my place. I was just saying I understand that it's the widespread use of it that causes these attitudes--like you said, like prez)
sometimes I don't even want to get married at all... sigh
I know it doesn't really help much, but I care about you and want you to feel the safety that you deserve. I don't know what I'm saying here, but I'm sorry everything is so hard and i'm mentally sitting with you

[Wife#2]

Joyful, thank you for the friendship! That matters a lot to me. 

I had a whole post, but it was getting ranty and not very helpful or anything. So I deleted it. I'll come back when I can actually be constructive.

Thank you again. I'm so sorry that the post triggered you a little. I hope that doesn't last long.

[Wife#2]

I did a good thing today and it made me feel better about myself.

Remember, I'm triggered by unexpected, untoward comments from male bosses. They make me nervous  and I start feeling that I'll need to change employment once that bridge gets crossed. Even innocuous comments can trigger me. Well, that almost happened today.

So, I work in a large-ish office with lots of women and a few men. There is the 'bull-pen' with all women, another, smaller bull-pen with all women, then the old department I used to work in - one woman in that office, male boss next office. Then, there's my hall - three women and two men, all with our separate offices. We can hear each other, doors stay open and they're all pretty close together. On my side of the hall is IT Man, me and Big Boss (male). So, I'm already a big skittish. IT guy is a terrific fellow - keeping things funny but appropriate at ALL times. Big boss sometimes gaffs and puts his foot in his mouth, but doesn't mean harm. Still, it keeps me edgy.

Over time, I've asked permission to bring in certain personal things - a refrigerator, coffee pot, like that. I also am that weirdo who asks permission before printing color documents for personal use. I even offer to pay for the ink as that's only right. Because that is my reputation, I am seldom refused my requests. Others see this and want the same, but don't always know that I ask first. They also fail to notice that I ask HOW I may set up my personal items to best suit the business, not tell them how I want it to suit me.

The bosses reached their breaking point when bull-pen #1 workers started bringing all manner of electronic devices for personal use. The final straw was someone hooking up a toaster AT HER DESK, which is full of papers!! When there is a toaster available for all to use just up the hall by my office. I know they know it's there. I smell the toasted bagels and cinnamon toast nearly every day! But, when big boss saw the toaster and an electric carafe both plugged up ON DESKS pushed up against papers, he called it quits.

We're still not to the part I'm proud of.

The memo went out (from female HR director) - cease and desist ALL small electronics, giving a list which included coffee pots - effective IMMEDIATELY.

I read. I nodded. I emptied my coffee pot in the sink up the hall. I emptied the coffee grounds. I unplugged my coffee pot. THEN, I asked the sender of the email if refrigerators were also included, and if so, could I have an extra day to get ready to take mine home.

She came to me to make her answer. NO, keep the fridge. It wasn't even your coffee pot (or the fact that several from the other areas come buy coffee from me, because I CAN make a good pot of coffee). But, thanks for understanding and keep your fridge here.

We laughed. I thought nothing of it.

Big boss comes in HOURS later. Leans against desk confidentially. (I'm shrieking inside - UH OH, smile planted on face).

'Maybe I shouldn't say anything, but' (OH, crap, what have I done now - I don't associate this visit with the email).
'Go ahead, you're here now'
Laughs, 'Ok. You can set your coffee pot back up, unless we get blow-back'
(in my head I'm totally freaking out. I can already see that those ladies will go hen-pecking on my head if I do that)
'I really don't think that's a good idea, it would smack of favoritism.'
Shows he hadn't considered THAT possibility. 'Oh, well, we don't have a problem if you want to.'
'The ones who might complain have access to my office every day. It would be conspicuous. I think it's better if I don't.'
'Whatever you think is best, just know we didn't mean you when we sent out that email.'
'Thank you, but I think I'll leave it at home.'
Puts up his hand for a 'high-five'. 'Well done, and smart!'
I don't leave him hanging, but my discomfort shows on my face.

BUT, I don't actually freak out! I don't panic that I'm being set up for something! I don't 'leave him hanging' but don't worry that he'll read too much into it. For the first time in - I don't know how long - I just let the moment be what it was, refused the favoritism with tact and allowed the very minor, completely harmless physical contact of a high-five NOT destroy me the rest of the day. I haven't been sitting here ruminating TOO much and I haven't been obsessively looking for other work, sure that I'm about to be set up or fired or that he's about to be inappropriate forcing me to run.

Ugh in one respect, but YAY ME in another! I kept it in perspective and didn't freak back to * boss and assuming ALL men were like * boss. One good thing. I'll take it. 

[sanmagic7]

take it - you deserve it!  you dealt with that really well, i thought.  excellent job.  held your ground, but with consideration (i hear ya about the high five - a little 'pals-y' for my taste, unless this is someone you see socially).  all in all, well done.  a toaster on the desk?  wow!  that's really pushing the boundaries of professionalism, to my mind.  no no no!

back to your hub and his attitude.  i really am sorry that's going on between the two of you.  turning someone down once for a request should be enough.  then having to sit by and listen to those demeaning remarks - i can't even imagine how uncomfortable you must feel during those times.  sounds like sexism to me, and that never feels good. 

the whole idea about a husband's 'right' to have sex doesn't sit well with me, never has.  or that a man has 'needs'.  pooh, i say.  urges, yeah, we all get urges, but water and air and food are 'needs'.  we can survive just fine without sex.    i wish there was a way for your hub to understand this whole thing.

i belong to a feminist book club, and one of the topics was about cat-calling.  several women related their stories about how aggressive it could get, to the point where they were physically threatened.  the men in the group posted that they never really realized how frightening and/or demeaning it could really be.  it opened their eyes.

i wish something like that could happen for your husband so he could understand the negativity, the underlying threat, and the unsafe feeling that goes along with what he says and 'expects'.   it's such a completely different experience for women than it is for men.  we need to feel safe enough that we will willingly and with anticipation open the citadel gates so that we can enjoy what can be the very most pleasurable physical experience there is.  there's a world of difference between having sex and making love. 

i could ramble on about this forever, but i'll stop here.  needless to say, i feel for you in my heart, wife2.   it would be bad enough if this was a one-time thing, but to have it going on and on - no wonder you're confused about this stuff.  it sucks, plain and simple.  i have no advice to give you, just my support and well wishes and a great big hug!  it's too bad couples counseling with a decent male therapist isn't an option.  or a couples' getaway weekend that works with this stuff.  if he heard it from someone other than you, maybe he'd get it.  until then, small victories, like at work.  great job.   

[Wife#2]

San, so could I - ramble on about that forever.

My stepson and I both call hubby out on his racist and sexist bull. He's always got some smart comeback (to our 'That was racist' he answers, 'Who said anything about Nascar?'. Like EVERY time). He does not see that his racist and sexist comments come from the same afraid place. It's one reason I've never understood female racists - don't they realize their male counterparts would just as soon throw THEM under the bus as any racial group they don't like? About hubby, it's very disheartening and triggering and devaluing. Because he genuinely does NOT see these comments as racist or sexist, even when called on them. And he genuinely doesn't understand why I would get upset when he's making fun of people on tv - not of me.

I've asked him to just stop saying these things out loud in front of his wife, daughter or granddaughter! After all, upon hearing such things, how are we SUPPOSED to feel? Valued? Worthy of love? Or denigrated along with the specific women he's making fun of? A dozen years of marriage, he still doesn't get it.