The new journal for me - stage 2

[Lingurine]

Hi Wife#2, good to read from you again, it sounds like your ship goes the right course. Keep on sailing girl 

Lingurine

[Wife#2]

It's been a roller coaster. Excellent days, horrible days where I disappointed myself and hurt my husband. I still don't know what's going to go on there.

Anyway, I mostly came on to encourage everyone else! And to let you all know - if you read my journal, that I have set up the healing porch as it's own thread in Creative Expression under 'Other'.

The healing porch has it's own home, now. We can visit it or it will visit us as needed.

I'm currently there, wrapped in a blanket of 'moving past regret'. My puppies are with me, so be careful. I haven't trained them how to not jump up yet - and their nails are sharp! They are HUGE to be so young. They are as cuddly as you could ask for. One has fur that is so soft, it feels fake! Especially just after a bath.

Welcome! Stop by the porch! Add to it as you see fit. You'll probably find several of us there at any given time.

HUGS to all my beautiful, healing friends here. I'll be back some day soon, I sincerely hope.

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2 it is so great to see a post from you again. I know you are doing so well through this adventure of yours. I am proud of you through going through all the ups and downs.

Also thank you for creating a space for the porch. I know alot of us use it even when you are not present here. It has become a safe place for us all I think

[sanmagic7]

wife2, you're beautiful!!!  i'm proud and honored to be your sister of the soul.  thank you.

[Wife#2]

Time for an update.

That website that I found which is touted as being able to help just about any marriage heal, even after infidelity, well, I got an unexpected result.

I was really enjoying reading all of the articles, helps, tools, on the site. I was implementing them and seeing good results. It makes me feel normal, because the problems I'm having in my marriage are really normal and common and not related to cPTSD at all.

Then, I reached a point where I wanted to start actually working the Doctor's program to save marriages. But, I didn't know were to start.

I wrote the good Doctor to ask him. His answer surprised me. He recommends divorce! Right off the bat. Separation if that's required, but divorce to be sure. That stunned me, so I wrote back, asking if he could see any other way, using his program. Nope, divorce, the sooner the better.

I got the second answer yesterday. And you know what? I think he's right.

My husband complained again last night that he's not getting what he wants out of our marriage. I reminded him I've been 'President of that club' for over 10 years. And he's complaining about two weeks? Not to mention that every time I bring up how lacking I am in having my needs met, the best he can do is two - three weeks before expecting his needs to start getting met, fully, on his schedule and once he GETS his needs met, he forgets that he's supposed to be meeting mine. Cycle - rinse - repeat.

What's so sad is that hubby has been trying lately - but his attempts have all been for things that meet HIS needs. I've been meeting most every 'outside of bed' need he has - companionship, nurturing, no judgment, doing tasks around the house without being asked. Still, after 13 years of marriage and 9 years of co-parenting, he hasn't figured out that yelling at my son, for whatever reason, deducts 10 good acts every time he does it. And, lately, that's been every day. So, even those things he IS trying, knowing that they're for him more than me but still trying to give him credit for effort, are worthless.

And he doesn't know how to relate to our son except through yelling at the poor kid. Kid shouts because he whacked his own hand on the chair. Hubby yells at kid about making such a fuss. Then, loud enough to hear, 'God, why can't I have ONE meal where he doesn't start this * with me. He's always ruining dinner.' I don't even correct him anymore, because he doesn't hear me. When his son still ate dinner with us, it was HIM that was always causing conflict at dinner, never hubby. Now, I just wait until after dinner, that son and I can barely eat from the upset, and get son in his room alone. There, we have also learned to not discuss the dinner incidents as hubby sees me go and follows to overhear. Now, son and I just hug, give each other support and tell each other how much we love one another. The rest is in our sad eyes as we look at one another.

This is no way to live. It's time to get out for my and my son's sake.

Announcement day is next Friday, when son will be visiting with his big sister and niece. Adult son will be at work. Just me and hubby. And an end to the drama, the criticism, the belittling, the neglect, the expectations. An end. At last.

Because, if a man, a psychologist of 30 years experience healing failed marriages even agrees with my family, my friends and my heart, then maybe, just maybe it's time. The Dr. did say that it's not so surprising that I've 'frozen' between what I see as two bad options - stay in * or divorce and become a single mom. Still, he repeated that 13 years could become 30 real fast, and is this what I want to be dealing with at 70?

Have I mentioned that I'm terrified by all this? Just making sure. I'm headed to the porch.

[Elphanigh]

Wife2, that is so much to deal with. I am sending you all the warmth and love that I can  You are being courageous for you and for your son. I think you are making the right decision for the both of you, at least it sounds like it. You are so strong, and it shows in every word of your journal. We are here for you as you go through this. Whatever happens you have this place and people 

[sanmagic7]

wife2, you know how i feel about this, and about you and your son.  next friday we'll be standing, surrounding you with protection, courage, warmth, and love.  we'll also be mirroring for you all the reasons you've listed why this is the best idea for you. 

altho this is a heavy-duty decsion (wash, rinse, repeat for all these years) you absolutely do deserve better treatment than this.  i've heard a phrase 'trying is lying'.  action is what love is all about.  they can try all they want, but that ain't gonna make things better - only doing will.  and, it takes two to do in order that things change.

your husband may not hear you anymore when you stick up for your son, but your son does.  he knows, when he hears you, that you are not letting this behavior go,  because it's wrong.   i think it's important for him to hear that.  afterwards, you can still sit in the other room together, but i'm guessing there will be a little less sadness in his eyes, a little more knowing that his mom is taking care of him, even if there is no resolution at the moment. 

i know you're scared, but i give you so much credit for coming to this decision.   we'll be with you while it's going on, and we'll be here for you afterwards.  i hope you let us be there.  we want to.  we love you and your little boy, and want only the best for you.  warrior spirit to the fore!!!  love and hugs, my dear sister.  in your corner all the way.

[Wife#2]

Drying happy tears seeing all this compassion. I really don't know that I deserve it, but it sure is nice to see and to know you all very much mean it.



Thank you all.

I have to try to remember that I'm at work, still. True, most of my coworkers have taken a half-day or came in early to leave early, but I still have a job to do here. I don't know that I'd make it through this day and next week without all of your support. All I can think to say is THANK YOU and I love you all, too!

[Elphanigh]

Wife2, you deserve every bit of compassion. I can promise you that. I am so proud of you for doing everything that you need to. I am certain you will get through this, and we are all here to help you.

[Wife#2]

I chickened out. I'm still with hubby. He's still being who he is.

Son is beginning to try to speak back - that ended badly. It happened when I was out of the house for less than an hour. Hubby asked if he went to far. I told him flat out - you are the grown-up and you're yelling at him for getting overworked when angry and what do you do? Get overworked when angry at your SON! Yes, you went too far.

I still feel like I'm betraying my son by staying, but would also be betraying him by leaving (because sometimes even a cruddy Dad is better than no Dad at all). And I type that and I know how ridiculous it sounds, because it's not true. But my little me is shouting - Oh, Yeah? I lost my Dad to his second family when I was 12, I know better than anyone else. Dad wasn't great, but him totally gone was worse. And I freeze. And I'm stuck. And I'm still married.

And hubby doesn't even realize the depth of my pain because he won't listen. His is always worse and complaining about my pain is whining and he can't stand a 'victim mentality.' And I want to throw things and walk out. And, walking down the hall, I hear our son spontaneously say to his father that he loves him. And I freeze. And I'm stuck. And I'm still married.

That marriage-saving website helps, but only so far. And I'm up, and I'm down. And I hide in TV. And I hide in computer games. And I hide in my son's room. and I still can't cry. And here comes hubby again, making pronouncements that sound an awful lot like demands, though he denies when I point that out. And work is a mess and I'm stressed out as I can be, but he's tired of hearing about it (though he can repeat the same story of his childhood antics 15 times and I'm supposed to be rapt and laugh at all the right places).

And I'm sleeping, yet I'm just so very, very tired. Bone tired. Soul tired. And it shows. Still, I have no idea how to fix even the first little bit of it.

Wow. I did have a lot to say

[Three Roses]

I'm so glad to hear from you! 

[Wife#2]

It just occurred to me, while reading another's posts, that my mother went through seasons where I was the center of her world and others where I was a satellite that better reflect positive light back to her. And I think I know why the seasons changed.

In the first town after the parental divorce, Mom had a dear 'mother-figure' friend. All of us loved this woman, she was good to all of us. Especially Mom. Mom had her, she didn't need me - I was the moon.

In the next town, she had several very good friends. But, she had no surrogate mother. I was an asteroid. Maybe I still reminded Mom of the marriage too much. I was the last child at home by then. She was very bitter.

In the next town, thee was a very special 'mother-figure' friend again. Once again, we children loved this woman as much as Mom did. This one embraced her role as surrogate grandmother to us. And her role as surrogate mother to Mom.

During the times when Mom had a surrogate mother-figure best friend, I was free to do as I wanted and live as I chose. When they died or moved away, suddenly I was needed. And badly. And constantly. I became a crutch.

When I rejected this role after getting married, a woman at Mom's church has taken my role, but with a twist. Mom is now the surrogate mother and this woman is her surrogate obedient daughter. This woman needs Mom. The relationship favors the woman, but only so long as she is subservient to Mom. Mom will do just about anything for this woman, more than she would do for me. But, this woman sees the role she must play and plays it because she needs Mom's generosity.

I am told often about what a good woman this is, how loving and devoted (slap and slap). But, I won't cower down and be her servant again, so this is the current state of affairs. Sad. So sad.  I love her, but I refuse to be made to feel that I must be her servant to earn her love back.

[Blueberry]

Hey wife#2, I am glad to see you back on here. That was my first impulse when I saw your name.

But I'm sorry to read how badly you're feeling. Me too, I feel as if I'm not accomplishing anything, by playing card games with myself (instead of your TV). Maybe we should all have a  right now because that can help relieve pain and soul-tiredness and all that, even if just for the time of the hug.

Some of my Little Blueberries think that it's great  that you realise that an adult person shouldn't get mad at a kid for losing the rag and then lose the rag himself at kid. You're absolutely right, wife#2, what does that teach the kid (your son) How not to lose the rag? Not likely.

You know, I believe you will get to where you need to be. Maybe for some weird reason the time isn't quite right?? Idk never having been in a relationship, I have never had to leave one. Quandaries I do know though.

The realisations about your M sound ouch to me.  for that too.

[Wife#2]

Hubby could see that I was tense when I got home. After the mad rush that is my first hour home, we settled in for the evening. And he asked how was my day at work.

Why bother asking if you don't want to know? Why ask like you care when you turn around and lecture me. Even after I ask you to STOP lecturing me. And don't call me a liar if I told you FIRST what I WISH I could have said - hopefully you know me by now well enough to know that I'm not going to mouth of at coworkers or bosses! I mean really. This is ME we're talking about. I was VENTING because the situation stank and you are supposed to be my best friend and know me better than anyone after 13 years of marriage. COME ON. So, when I ended your lecture by telling you VERBATIM what I ACTUALLY said, so you could understand that I did NOT say it rudely (like I wish I was free to do sometimes), why did you CONTINUE to lecture me, then cuss my workplace for me not being Mrs. Happy - Go - Lucky - Ready - For - Anything when I get home every day.  How is that supportive, helpful or friendly? And *I* ruined YOUR night?

Because you are right in one thing. I'm not going to feel very romantic after you've blasted me for how I speak, my workplace for not being perfect, called me a liar for not saying VERBATIM the first time I vented to you - AT YOUR INVITATION.

Am I the only one who tells the story the way they WISH it could have gone before relaying how it actually went?

He tried to make it up to me later, but that stung a lot. I am a storyteller. I enjoy the craft. Sometimes, I even think I'm good at it. After being married 13 years, he hasn't figured out that part of WHY I'm still married after 13 years is that I'm a rules-follower? That I'm a people-pleaser? That I'm overly thoughtful even when it's not to my benefit? I must be a total stranger to him. And that's not all on me. He's usually too busy talking about HIS life stories to hear me when I try to talk about mine. Even when I do try to talk about mine, he is prone to lecturing me about how I should have handled that or this HIS way, which is always superior to anything *I* do.

So close. Ready to get home and get out some luggage. I was close before, but after that disrespectful lecturing and calling me a liar for the way I presented my tale of woe from work, he may have gone to far.

[Three Roses]

Am I the only one who tells the story the way they WISH it could have gone before relaying how it actually went? 

No, you are most decidedly not the only one!