The new journal for me - stage 2

Started by Wife#2, January 26, 2017, 01:28:38 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

sanmagic7

with all that you've done to call him on it, point it out to him, and confront him with it, i'm guessing he never will change (even tho miracles do happen).  so, it may be the time for you to make a change.  if, in the balance, the other parts of the marriage are positive, and they outweigh this crapola, then maybe you just accept you're married to a man who is both racist and sexist, and move on.  he's not going to change which means you have to or this will drive you up the wall for the rest of your married life.  certainly not a future to look forward to.

if this negativity outweighs the positive aspects of your marriage, well, what do you want to do?  again, he won't change, won't seek an outside opinion, is steadfast in believing he's not doing anything wrong.   either way, it looks to me like the ball's in your court, wife2.  nothing about this is easy, either.  it's your marriage, for heaven's sake!  i can only assure you of my support no matter what you decide.  and, maybe you have a third option, or maybe you just want to continue to be aggravated by what he says and does (not necessarily 'want to' but will allow yourself to). 

i understand about hanging on under 'not the best' circumstances.   i'm still doing it, altho there have been changes made.  still, some of the old stuff continues to rear its ugly head, and we go around about it all over again.   it sure can be difficult at times, and i've thought about going our separate ways at times.  it comes and goes.  i don't know.  so far, i've continued to stay because the neg. has gotten much smaller than what it used to be.   i hope that can be the case for you as well, my dear.  big hug!


Wife#2

For me lately, that's one of the reasons I have a vent blog on my computer (at work, password locked). I vent there to get this crapola out of my system. This time, I just spilled out on my journal because it just needed to be typed, I think.

The reality over the long haul of our marriage is that it is better than it was. A LOT better than it was. If I feel he's getting out of hand again, I remind him that I do take offense to such language and I definitely don't want my son learning it from him. That usually makes a two-to-three week adjustment.

If he gets angry about hearing either son speak to me disrespectfully, I remind him they learned that somewhere. He accepts the correction and again, I get two-to-three weeks, sometimes longer, with a concerted effort to correct his language and to show me respect in other ways.

The other day was the end of a month-long respectful period. Within the day that he started again, DS started speaking disrespectfully (in tone only, content was acceptable) and hubby got mad at him. I just looked at hubby. Since then, we're back on a good spell. So, though I know the behavior will never disappear, it's getting easier to get back on the right track.

I just sometimes do get fed up and have to vent it out. So far, the good outweighs the bad - by a comfortable margin.

My skill I'm working on lately is boundaries (and enforcing them) and consistency. And, if I'm triggered by something outside the home, NOT dumping on them.

Next is speaking up BEFORE I'm angry - nipping in the bud any bad habits that pop up. In me as well as in them.  With that one will be not taking anger or disappointment in myself out on them.

sanmagic7


Wife#2

Saw a news story yesterday that kind if hit me in the ego.

It's official, scientifically proven, that oldest children score higher on IQ tests than youngest children. Yippee freekin' skippy. Now, it's proven.

I guess in this superficial world, people will start asking for birth order on dating sites! LOL 'First children only, please'. OMG.

Of course, they backed up the scientific data with facts that do make sense. First children don't have to compete for Mom and Dad's attention (a blessing AND a curse, I've heard). Mom and Dad are still inspired parents, trying new things and encouraging children in what the children want and like (perfect world, perfect world, reality for many of us - even first kids didn't get that).

Anyway, the story made me laugh. So, if I wanted to keep being the 'victim' I could claim - birth order made me stupid! Please know, folks, I'm in a very sarcastic mood today. I neither believe myself a victim or stupid. I'm a pretty darn smart survivor. I figured out how to get to adulthood when all the adults around me forgot they were still responsible for me! Not. Too. Shabby. My hubby - another youngest - laughed as well. Same story for him. Biggest exception was that he had a sibling actively trying to injure him - and yet, he survived.

I have to keep the post short - work is picking up and I need to keep earning a paycheck to keep this size 18 figure going on! Peace to all of you! Hug from me and hug yourself - you deserve one. So do I - but I already gave myself one today LOL. OK. Really. Back to work.....

sanmagic7

i'm the oldest, i probably have a higher i.q. than my sibs, but i'm not sure.  however, i've had a lot lower emotional quotient than either of them!  that alexithymia thing was wrought by my dad upon me, and not on my sibs.  so, i walked around in an emotionally devoid bubble most of my life.  maybe i had an advantage over them in book learning, but as far as social interactions, i was completely in the dark.

i can't even imagine what my life might have been like had i had emotions like my sibs did.  out of my comprehension zone.  so, while those surveys or whatever they are may tell a piece of the story, i don't believe for a moment they can consider the whole of a human.  i'm just glad you and your hubby can laugh about it.  that's about what it's worth, to my mind.   you've got so much going for you!  pooh! (i can't do your raspberry, but that was great!).

Wife#2

Thank you, San - and so do you!!!!

See, the thing that I wish I understood better is how you are such a loving, kind, supportive and beautiful person but you don't get to feel those in your heart and soul when we return them to you! That is the cruelest injury of all. The denial of your human RIGHT to feel what you feel when you feel it. To know that's what you're feeling and to welcome it all. The joy AND the pain. The silly AND the profound. The love AND the hate.

My prayer for you, my good friend, is that you will be allowed to take that emotional car OUT of neutral and shift into OVERDRIVE - ok, that might be too big a change to handle all at once, but at least get past reverse and into 1st gear! The primals - joy, warmth, love (yes, it's a primal emotion). To really know that you are feeling them. To embrace them as they come up. To even be overwhelmed a little - emotions when strong enough WILL do that!

You're grown. Your siblings are grown. Your children are grown. You don't have to be the rock of Gibraltar anymore! Let the spent emotions of decades wash away that rock. The gem inside will be worth it, because that gem is your genuine YOU, with all her emotions intact - in all their beautiful, fearful, immense reality.

sanmagic7

wife2, you blew me away.  i didn't expect that.  you touched my heart, and i felt that for a moment - it was warm and caring and felt very good.

the thing about this is that the parts in my brain that are involved in emotions weren't allowed to develop properly.  i'm working on re-wiring them, and, as was the case when i read your post, i could feel the love you were sending my way.  i believe it's because it was heartfelt and it made a connection with my heart.

my hub says 'i love you' to me at least once a day, but to me they're just words.  i hear them, i understand what they mean, but i can't really feel them.  it's odd.  one time, however, when i was very sick, he was sitting near me, looked me in the eye and nearly whispered 'i love you so much'.  that one i felt.  i know it wasn't just the correct words to say but came from his heart.

i can't explain this too well.  i remember feeling joy once, when daughter #1 took her first step.  it filled my heart nearly to overflowing!  what a wonderful feeling, like warm chocolate flowing through and around my heart.  i didn't cry when i felt it, just felt what it was.  haven't felt it since or before that. 

i've had one experience where i was loved and i never questioned it, always felt it, and, even tho we couldn't be together because of circumstances, it never wavered and sustained me through all the years of the madness.  it continues to this day.  i can't explain it, but i know it's real and i know he feels it, too.  there have been signs through the years that it's still there.  how or why this is different, why i can feel it and know it is a mystery to me.  he came to me in a dream a few weeks ago, and i laid a hand on his shoulder, and it was completely comforting and soothing, and i'd asked him to wait and he said he would.  the feeling of being comforted and soothed was real, i can feel it now if i think about it.

so, while this is baffling, and i wish i could feel more of this, it is what it is.  i'll keep working on it as i'm able.  i still consider myself one of the lucky ones that i have had this in my life for more than 40 yrs., and it brings a smile to my heart just thinking about it.  that may be the key for me, this heart connection.  too many times the sadness overrides it (i'm working on that as well) and i become so overwhelmed that i'm sobbing before i know it. 

your words didn't make me cry, but i could feel them.  thank you so much.  it's more than what i've had from most of the real people in my life.  i think this is progress.  i wish it were as easy as throwing out the other stuff - just like i wish it were as easy as throwing out our c-ptsd symptoms.  it's just not the way it works.  love and hugs to you, wife2, my sweet friend.

Wife#2

San, my friend, I know you are gone on your trip with your daughter this week. I sincerely hope that you are able to smile in the sunshine (or laugh at the clouds if it's still raining). Turn your face to any sunlight you can find. That warmth on your face is what hope and peace feel like. They're soft and gentle and lay across your soul like a warm blanket on a cold day.

I love your description of joy. That is so accurate! And I felt it a few times when my son was young. I've felt it a few times in my marriage, which is why I fight for it so, even when he ticks me off so badly.

The rewiring will happen. You have enough time. It's worth the work you're putting into this, because YOU are worth the effort.  :: HUGS ::

**** And now for something completely different ****

I find it interesting that my brother and my 2nd oldest sister - who have both been visiting Mom here in town but not telling me of their plans until last minute if at all - both have come to town recently and included me in the plans. Brother ASKED Mom to call me and my daughter so we could both come. Sister asked Mom to give me the heads up, then called me herself to finalize the plans, also including my daughter and granddaughter.  That these events happened one weekend after the other (and both were really good visits), and both followed on the heels of that email where I thanked bro for 'forwarding' a Dad-email to me feels most revealing.

Maybe I did have a right to be upset. Maybe Dad had good reason to feel shamed and defensive (he actually HAD sent THAT email to me, I didn't realize until later). Maybe my siblings saw in that little email (my thanking my brother for forwarding the email to me) that I had a reason to sound upset and frustrated. Maybe they did finally see that I am the forgotten one. Dad talks about me with them, tells me he worries about me, tells them he worries about me, has them find out how I'm doing for him - instead of picking up a phone himself.

It just occurred to me why I do my chipper calls with him. Because if I do that, he'll stay on the phone and ask to speak to my hubby and sons. But, if I have any hard or bad news, he's suddenly on his way out the door and has to get off the line. The same man who worries about me. He can't even stay on the phone and hear less than wonderful news. BUT, then he blasts me for not being real with him when he calls. That's a no-win, no matter how anyone tries to slice it.

For years, I preferred to talk to my stepmother, which I now believe is a mistake. I believe she was twisting my news into what SHE thought it meant before passing it on to Dad. And it was likely translated through her filter regarding me. I used to believe I could be closer to her than my own Dad, but now, I really wonder. I wonder if she hasn't been putting wedges between me and Dad their whole marriage. Now, it's just such a habit, she can't even help herself. But, back then, it was to get Dad to vest in HER youngest child, a daughter, like the child's own father hadn't.

I wasn't even jealous of my stepsister until Dad began refusing to let me get away from my mother and live with him. I was 13 and they were newly married when I began my campaign to leave Mom and join them. I know this sounds petty as it was over 30 years ago, but I feel the need to lay out my reasons for allowing it here:
1) Mom is crazy and lazy.
2) Your school system is better. Your whole STATE is better.
3) There are peeping-toms down here. And drunks who try to enter the home. And thieves.
4) I'm willing to work via babysitting or a more classic job, even in high school, to help with bills. I already have great babysitting references.
5) You have the space - it's a 4-bedroom house!
6) The job market up there is better.
7) YOU are sane (at least I thought).
8) You can save on child support - maybe start a college fund for me? For my step-sibs with what you save?
9) I'll still visit Mom on major holidays and in the summer, if you grownups can work it out.
10) I'm your daughter, your youngest child, and you're leaving me with my mother, a woman you had good reason to divorce! HELP ME.

His reasons for NOT allowing this:
1) I don't want to hurt your mother that way, taking everything from her. (Why, because bro stayed with you one year?)
2) I don't think a blended family will work out (from a man who had an uncle always and a whole other family for two years live with him, his sibs, parents, grandmother in grandmother's home until he left for college).
3) I just don't think it's a good idea. You're fine where you are. (obviously not or I wouldn't be begging you!)
4) NO. Final answer. You're just going to have to work things out with your mother (like you did?).

Dad is so full of *, and his wife is right there, feeding poison into his ear regarding those of us she decided against. That included my heart-mother and my heart-father siblings and me. Profoundly autistic couldn't talk back (older sibs both called her on * and the relationships never recovered). Oldest sisters and GC bro were accepted by her.

And I think her heart hardened against me for that one day when she and Dad left me in charge of her two kids at her house. So, they could go on a date. Fine. I already had been babysitting for over a year, but usually much younger children. Who listened to me. This were my Dad's girlfriend's kids, one and two years younger - they weren't going to listen to me! And, this was before cell phones, so calls during a date had BETTER be an emergency!

Stepbro was riding his bike down his driveway at the back wall of the carport. Playing, how close to turn the handlebars before I hit the wall. He was bored. I heard him thump the wall from inside a couple of times, investigated and he said something along the lines of, 'I do this all the time. What do YOU know. Just leave me alone.' So, I did! He came in holding his arm. He swore it was broken, but I didn't know. I was, what, 12? What did *I* know? So, we put ice on it until he said that hurt. We wrapped it in an ace bandage and he went back outside for a while. He came back in saying it really hurt. I repeated what was said in MY house a lot - It's fine, stop whining.

When the parents returned, I told them about it, stepbro came out of his room and showed it to them, which had swollen in the two hours that had passed. Dad stayed at the house with stepdaughter and me while then GF took her son to the doc. Yup, it was a green-stick fracture, cast required and all.

I think in her mind, I had failed at watching her children and thus couldn't be trusted with their safety. That was before they got married. I think ever since that day, she has never trusted me and always believed that I would bring her family harm if allowed. *** I WAS FREAKING 12! COME ON! *** But, that's what the behavior has told me, since the words have always been loving, kind, thoughtful - yeah, right. I don't think she hates me, that would be too obvious. BUT, she has NO problem blocking me from visits, blocking Dad from visiting me (except when it would be too obvious - his visit to meet my son was only delayed three weeks). She has no problem setting priorities in the family that include her children and the older of his children, but which somehow forget to be mentioned to me.

The day Dad and she came to visit me after I got married (two months later - because I eloped - how rude!), my husband had had to work ALL night, getting only 1 hour rest before meeting them. They hadn't bothered to come meet him while we were dating - they never expected me and hubby to GET married, ever! So, I, hubby and my two new stepchildren meet them at a restaurant. Where Dad shows he's disappointed, but she lays into me like a vulture with a fresh kill - picking me apart and telling me what a disappointment I am to my father and how I've hurt him so deeply by depriving him of the opportunity to have a church wedding (wasn't going to happen) where he could walk me down the isle (not likely, but nice thought) and they were going to pay for it (not likely - I was already 37 and I'd been told or shown my entire adult life to NEVER count on anything from Dad).

I still think Dad realized that she was just throwing words at me to hurt me, because after THAT gem, he asked her to stop. I just sat there and took all the verbal abuse. Hubby and even stepkids stood up against them more than I did. I just hung my head and cried. Stepmother had won. She had proven that she could verbally bash me into submission, or at least emotional destruction. Dad would let her until she went too far in HIS opinion. BUT, when stepmother bashed my ability to be a good stepmother myself, my stepkids had had enough. Hubby had had enough. They all verbally stood up to her. Hubby shut the breakfast down and scooped me and the kids up and we left.

Later, when we all met at our house, they were nicer and stepmom kept her mouth shut. Just her eyes doing the judging because it was a mobile home and not some wonderful home like my Dad had given her. Or like the brick house I still owned (and we eventually moved into). It was a mobile home and she put her nose up even further!

If they'd been serious about paying for a wedding, why was NOT ONE CENT shown to me and my new husband as we set up this home together? Because it was a LIE by my stepmother to make me feel horrible. IT was a LIE she dreamed up to hurt me. The ONE TIME Dad was going to help me financially and *I blew it* because I eloped. Because I never, ever heard of that before or since.

And that she would lie to me just to hurt me tells me who she really is. Has always been. Why I'm not included, forgotten as often as possible.

That week that my son and I went up to visit is really different if I look at it with this realization. She didn't want me there! She barely wanted DS there! And her son stayed away even on his birthday rather than see me in that house. Despite the fact that, as kids, he and I had become pretty friendly - in a way my own bro and I hadn't. Just pals, and that was wonderful! It wasn't until I began making the point that Dad isn't perfect and that stepmom isn't either that stepbro turned on me. I think he's made them choose between inviting me or him and that he will NOT show (just like he missed Dad's birthday AND Christmas the year I was up there for those). Even for his love of them, he will not tolerate my existence - and I've never said anything against him!

The closest I came was to say that they shouldn't hold it against ME and disallow ME moving in temporarily because they just threw HIM OUT for doing drugs. That had nothing to do with me! That's the harshest thing I've ever said against him. In 40 years. Yet, I'm a pariah, not to be tolerated. What has she said to him? What does he believe? That I look down on him? Because he had a tough time for a couple of years keeping work? So did I! Because he had a failed relationship with a woman he really loved? So did I, and the man I loved just moved away. Because I married a man with children? Really? Whatever.

I really don't get it. I really don't. The 'yankee' crowd have decided that I don't belong in the family and they get their feelings hurt when I call them out on it. When I call them out on words OR behavior, they all go into defensive mode and throw it back on me.

Wow - Dad sure found a good woman! All he had to do to have a happy family in the second half of his life was to sacrifice his youngest daughter. Apparently the sacrifice was acceptable.

My head hurts and I have work to do. Ramble complete. Lots to consider.

But, at least I have two of my siblings back! At least they're trying again! For that, it was worth the social blunder of the email.

PS - Dad still hasn't responded or called or anything. I guess he's still feeling hurt-butt that I would recognize that he DOES ignore and forget me tons.

annakoen

 :hug:

Dear wife, I just read your post with awe. You are reframing past events and boy that must be tough to do. All those years, the family dynamic was as you describe and that's a very tough web to untangle. I may be wrong but I felt in what you wrote some triumphant feeling, a feeling of eureka, of now understanding the real situation and not just what others wanted you to believe about yourself or others.

:hug:

Wife#2

I just hope I'm really purging this to get it out of me. I hate this being a poison inside me.

And, yet... this morning in the shower I remembered something else that happened around the time Dad and Stepmom were beginning dating. More 'proof' of what a horrible child I was.

When I was somewhere between 12 and 13, contacts had just started being 'affordable' for more people. I put that in quotes, because they were still mighty expensive. I had been wearing glasses since I was 6 years old. I tried not to be vain about them, but I was awkward enough. Adding glasses just added to the social stigma. So, Dad, actually trying to be loving and respectful of my feelings, got me into a program to try contacts. The program was experimental because my eyes were too astigmatic to use regular contacts, like my GC brother could.

Back then, only one company made contacts for astigmatism. They were new and nobody knew what long-term use would be like. Because of that, I got a new pair of glasses along with the contacts. So, I tried. I went to the doctor. Learned how to put contacts in, without damaging my eyes or the semi-soft lenses. I learned proper care of my eyes and of the lenses. I put them in faithfully every day in the morning. By lunchtime, my eyes were red and puffy, I could barely see and I'd have to take them out and put back on the glasses. In the afternoon, I'd try again, but the longest I could go with continuous wearing was 4 hours. After that, my eyes would physically ache, get puffy and my vision got bad.

I'd power through the pain some days, to make my Dad happy, but I couldn't even put them in the next day when I did that. My eyes would hurt so bad! Dad would fuss about the cost and trouble he went through for that. I would apologize and keep trying.

Two years after that struggle with Dad and the contacts, we found out that the company had pulled those lenses off the market - they weren't allowing enough air to the eyes and some people had gone blind. I made sure my Dad found out about that recall. He felt bad about pushing me so hard, but I think the seed was still planted (and perhaps tended and nurtured by stepmother?) that I was ungrateful and would waste his money.

I found out about the recall because my mother had decided to 'one-up' Dad and let me try contacts again. At the optometrists' office, I found out about the recall AND about the fact that my particular form of astigmatism meant that I'd never be able to wear standard contacts. Mom was willing to try, but I told her I didn't think it would work for me. She was determined to prove her love for me with those * things.

I tried, and I was able to wear the new fully hard lenses for about 6 hours. Not quite long enough to get through a school day. So, I still had to bring my glasses and wear them at some point. Because of all this taking contacts out and putting them back in and such, I stopped even thinking about wearing makeup. It would just make matters worse! Half the time, I had to take the contacts out because my eyes would just start watering and - there went any makeup if I had tried to wear any!

Finally, at 15, I told both parents that I was just destined to wear glasses. It's ok. I was fine with it. We'd all given a good try and it was time to stop.

Every so often, once I was an adult and responsible for my own bills, my parents would ask me if I'd tried contacts again. Remembering all the pain, aggravation and expense, I'd avoided them! At about 30, I decided to give it one last shot. I tried. Still, the astigmatism had relegated me to the hard lenses only. I sat in the office and realized 15 years hadn't dulled my knowledge of putting those things in my eyes. But, just like 15 years prior, the best I could do before my eyes got too tired was 6-7 hours. If I put them in before work, by lunch I was getting them out fast. Nope, I was just not destined to wear contacts.

The funny part to me was that, by 15, I didn't have much vanity. I didn't care if I looked like a nerd - actually kinda took pride in that. I was a SMART girl. Sure, I didn't get invited to all the parties, was almost blackballed from the social group I joined (who never told me about meetings so I wouldn't KNOW to attend), didn't dance at the school dances, not even prom. But, I accepted that as part of being a nerd. It hurt, but I could quickly forget it as I dove into some activity I did enjoy (marching band, theater, hanging out with my real friends, working, reading).

Wow, the rambling! Anyway, it occurred to me this morning that Dad may have had the idea that he shouldn't 'help' me financially as I'd just squander away his resources. Because of those contacts when I was 13. That I don't think he ever believed hurt me and could have blinded me if I'd persisted more than I did.

**** PS - I'm having a particularly bad day today. I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but will post when I'm ready. It's not about my cPTSD, though. ****

sanmagic7

wife2, glad to be back and in your corner again (not that i ever left it, but that i'm able to physically be here.)   all those 'little' things, like whether contacts were for you or not - what an impact they can have on our lives!  dang! 

i found out a long time ago that my eye fluid wouldn't support contacts so i couldn't even take the chance.  before that, i swore i'd never wear glasses cuz i'd look like an old fuddy duddy!  today, i wear glasses and i'm ok with them.  weird how things can change as we go along, bringing new and different perspectives to our fore.  how resilient are we still!

Wife#2

It's been a strange month - February. In a good way. I'm not sure why that leaves me feeling unsettled, but it does.

First, there was the email blunder. Dad got very defensive about me thinking he'd forgot me. He does, a lot, but anyway, he was defensive and upset.

So, after that, Bro & SIL and niece, nephew and great-nephew come to town. And they remember to invite me to the lunch they had planned with Mom! I went, with daughter, son and granddaughter. It was a nice time. I really did feel included, even by GC bro!

THEN, the very next weekend, Sis comes to town. AGAIN, I'm remembered. And invited. We make plans for the park. Daughter and granddaughter are ALSO remembered! It was wonderful!

As if THAT wasn't enough, Dad himself calls me on the actual phone. I didn't have great news (all of us had been sick, I was just recovered myself), so he got off the phone BUT quick - too quick to even talk to my DS. ** And he wonders why I only give him 'happy' news? ** Whatever, Dad being Dad. I just chose to be glad he actually dialed the digits on HIS phone to speak with me.

The thing is, all this attention is unsettling to me. Do I crave it? ABSOLUTELY! Was it wonderful as it was happening? YES! Was I thankful, grateful and blown away? You bet! But, there's this pit in my stomach at the same time. Was it really as simple as just letting them know I caught them leaving me out so much before? Was it really that easy?

Because it doesn't feel like it'll be a real or lasting thing. It feels like, even if I call them all this month and keep my mouth shut about any unpleasant news and let them talk all about themselves and their lives, that once I hang up, months to years will go by again before I hear from any of them.

I don't know. I want to just let it be what it is and be glad that three family members actually remembered me. Sis usually does, in her defense. But GC Bro and Dad, not so much.

I just had a radical thought. Maybe they've finally realized, after YEARS of chastising me for not letting Mom just be Mom (abusive emotionally, verbally, financially), they realized they weren't letting me be me. I doubt it. I doubt that thought even crossed their minds.

Still don't know. Still want to just be happy to be included for once. Still kind of pissed it took me pointing out the exclusion for them to get off their collective butts and DO something. Still sad that this is more likely a bump in the road than a change of heart with them.

Regardless, because how I react is about who I am, I'll call them back, send a thank you to my brother and SIL (they bought lunch, though I did have the money for me and mine), reach out to them in family friendship. If they reach back and welcome me, I will go with caution. I still feel like I might be getting set up. For what, I don't know - like an official intervention where they tell me that I'm not really welcome in the family until I change - how I'm not sure, maybe become more like them and their snobby ways? Maybe it's become fully Catholic? Shoot, I have no idea. But, that is what it feels like. Be nice to her for a while, so she actually comes to a family event. THEN, we'll let her know what we really thing.

Isn't that sadly paranoid?

Back to work for me. I just wanted to put that out there, to see if I was crazy, imagining things or just paranoid.

Peace - and breathe!

sanmagic7

i think caution is a good thing, which is very different from paranoid and crazy (both of which i don't see in you at all!).  the history has earned caution.  better to go slowly into the water, then jump in over your head and flounder when you figure out it was deeper than you thought.

i'm cautiously glad your sibs and dad are paying some attention to you, including you and inviting you.  i hope that you can cautiously enjoy them and the situations.   i don't think it will hurt you to go slowly, do your family-friendly thing, and see what happens.  your blinders are off now, you know what the score's been.   warrior shield is up just in case.  well done all the way around, to my mind.  you go, girl!  this smells like the sweet perfume of progress!  here's some lovely lavendar for your desk to remind you how beautiful this smells.

Wife#2

Oh, I love the smell of lavender. Especially fresh! The canned scent is nice, but real flowers are so much more lovely! Ahhh, that has helped to put me into a good mood for this afternoon's work. Thank you very, very much, friend Sanmagic7. Thank you.

I can send you magnolia blooms or gardenia, whichever you prefer - fresh cut from my yard. Well, they'll be there in another two months anyway :-) I have a big, growing Magnolia tree centered in my front yard. It's lovely and makes the whole house smell wonderful when blooming.