The new journal for me - stage 2

Started by Wife#2, January 26, 2017, 01:28:38 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

sanmagic7

you know, where i'm from, we had hardy magnolia trees - beautiful, but without the perfume.  i love gardenia, but i'd love to experience some true southern magnolia, thank you very much!  i'm loving the * outta this!

Wife#2

I love the magnolia's gentle fragrance. Almost as delicate as the petals of the flowers themselves.

I've had a lot to talk about today, but just not the energy to choose my words. IT was a long weekend, though not a bad one.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully feeling better than today.

Wife#2

Venting a bit.

I've been working on controlling my reactions and thinking before I speak. Some days, I'm doing GREAT. Others, not so much. Lately, hubby has become very critical of mundane things and it's starting to work my nerves. I've chosen to stand up for myself on some occasions, but others I just sit and seethe. And that's not good.

Our son is sick, so I left work early and took him to the doctor. Granted, if hubby could legally drive, he would, but that's a BIG NO. So, I get son, we go to the doctor, and I have one thing I want to do after. Even though son feels horrible, he's ok with the one errand. So, after the appointment, I call hubby and tell him the diagnosis (vague but at least not the worst news, from doctor), that I'm on my way to do the ONE errand and then return home.

H: You might as well get more OTC medicine for DS before you come home.
Me: DS feels really bad. I'd like to get him home ASAP, then I'll go get more if I think we need more (I happen to know we have a nearly full bottle).
H: Do it YOUR way, but you'll be right there. I don't understand why you can't just handle it all at once.
Me: Do you like to be drug around when you feel bad? H, he had a fever over 102! I want to get him home and give him the meds.
H: Just do it your way (sounding disgusted)
Me: I will!

The other errand was really quick AND the store DH wanted me to use was just down the street a little. I asked DS if he was OK with me just stopping in for a minute to get his meds.

DS: Do they have a bench in there?
Me: Yes, you can sleep on the bench while I get the TWO things we need.
DS: Just get me to the bench first thing.
Me: Sure, baby. Come on. Thanks for being OK with this.
DS: I'd rather get home, but this is right here.

(By that time, we were at the store.)

I got him to the bench, got his meds and paid for them before 5 minutes were up. We got straight back to our car and I got him straight home.

When we got home, I showed hubby that I had, indeed, gone by the store for more meds for DS.

H: Why didn't you call me and tell me you were going to do that. I was expecting you back and getting worried!
Me: I didn't take 5 minutes. And it'd taken longer to call you than to just do it.
H: Still! Nobody tells me ANYTHING around here! I just wish you understood how I felt.
Me: ::: crickets :::

That was a fight trying to happen. I can guess that he was mad because he couldn't help DS more and DS is now old enough to see that Mom does all the 'heavy lifting' regarding his care. So, wounded pride caused him to lash out.

But, this has been going on more and more lately. I wish I could just understand WHY he goes through these cycles! And what I can do (besides give in on my boundaries) to get him out of these funks.

Each comment by itself isn't that bad. But, taken all together, they're a pattern of undermining and belittling me. In front of our son, usually. THAT's the biggest part that bothers me. It's a tone of, 'You're wrong and this will go so much easier on ALL of us if you'll just shut up and then admit you are WRONG and I am RIGHT. It will go even better if you just do it MY way from the start!'

He won't say that, though. He'll just pick at me and pick at me and sometimes admit he's irritated, but other times insist he was teasing and I'm being too sensitive.

Then, today, I have a day at lunch like I need so badly with him. My co-worker BFF (we've known each other a VERY long time and really are friends regardless of the job) and I went to lunch and parked under a pretty tree (for shade, and so I can smoke my ciggies - she's a non-smoker). We started talking and laughing and the more we made each other laugh, the more we made each other laugh. It was WONDERFUL! We were both nearly crying from all the laughing.

There was a time, years ago, that hubby and I could do that. I know those days are completely gone, but it sure is sad. We'll try, and we might get a few laughs in before his 'jokes' start to get racist or sexist and that kills it for me. Then, he's pouchy-lipped because I'm sour-faced. All humor leaves both of us - but it's my fault for not having a better sense of humor. ??? REALLY? Ugh.

Add that with the nitpicking getting worse again lately and I'm about to explode! AND, I've been trying to be really supportive, but he's gone on another spending on himself binge again. Ugh. And the best part? The intimacy is dead again, because when he gets like this outside the bedroom, he gets selfish in the bedroom as well.

I'm getting to where I'm tired all the time again. And I do still have a sick little boy to tend after a full day at work and grocery shopping after work. And, being around DS so much, I may have got what he's giving. Poor little guy was worried about that this morning. Hubby? Don't get sick, we can't afford for you to get sick, too. Thanks, hubby. Because, yeah. Whatever.

Anyway, on a good front, Dad actually IM'ed me and asked how we were feeling. No call this time (hates the less-than-great news), but at least it was contact! A step in the right direction. Now, to not feel like a little kid who has just been told her Dad is the REAL Santa and go rushing and gushing. To accept it for the simple communication it is and to respond in kind. (which I did, but I'm holding myself back from calling AND emailing).

HUGS. At least my DS doesn't have the flu. :-)

sanmagic7

dear, sweet, wife2 - all the frickin' trials and tribulations that come with relationships and families is enough to drive anyone bonkers!  i hear that same thing, in the same tone of voice - you always have to do it your way, you're so stubborn, i can't say anything cuz you're so sensitive - ad nauseum!!!

dang, we love 'em anyway.  hugs back to you, sweetie. 

Wife#2

EF alert! Trigger warnings possible - I really don't know right now....

So, I'm 7 years old. I'm going to school with two brothers and a sister. We attend parochial school, so we're in our uniforms and we are walking the maybe quarter mile to school. It's a huge long trip to my young perspective.

Anyway, as is so common most days, I have not had a bath within the previous 2-5 days. I have not brushed my teeth or hair. My clothes were pulled out of the dirty hamper because I couldn't find a clean uniform. I may have had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, but likely not. My shoes don't fit. Who knows how many times I've worn the socks since their last washing. They may be my sister's socks.

On the way to school, older bro and sis are walking ahead. This is why they don't notice the smell or the knots in my hair. Mom was already gone to work, which is why SHE didn't notice. Only GC bro notices, which is why he teases me horribly. Does he offer help? NO. Does he say anything before we leave the house? NO. He does HIS hygiene, why should my hygiene be anyone else's problem? He just calls me trench mouth or grease monkey or dragon breath or rat head. Whatever seems to hurt me worst. This is a huge part of why he does not want to be associated with me.

Even when I get home from school, Mom won't be there to notice. sis may notice and may offer to brush my hair, but it's AFTER school and what does it matter now. I've already endured a day of teasing by all the other students.

Why doesn't a teacher call Mom and ask about it? When this keeps happening, what are the teachers thinking? That I'm mentally deficient? Because my siblings all are able to do these things (yes, they're older, yes, they were taught by someone), maybe they just thought I was slow, but would catch on.

But, nobody at home was teaching me any of these things. Mom was too busy. She started working as SOON as I was enrolled in kindergarten. I hadn't been taught these things before kindergarten because, you know I really don't understand why not. If autistic sis was already in an institution so that I would have a chance at thriving, what was keeping Mom? GC bro was 2 years older, so he started kindergarten when I was 3. That should have given Mom 2 years with just me at home to help me learn these things.

I really don't know what she did most of the time when it was just me and her at home back then. I suspect more of the same from when I was older and do remember: Reading a book while sprawled out on the sofa in front of the TV with a cigarette in one hand and a Pepsi in the other. Where was I? A playpen or my bedroom or on the front porch or in the front yard (I was afraid of the back yard and basement). Back before I started school and she started working full time, she had to do the laundry and keep the house. I'm sure she did it, because it did get done. She also cooked dinner for everyone - which was a feat - we were 8-9 strong most nights if nobody had company over.

So, what I think was happening, was she was struggling through her own depression to get the bare minimum done - laundry, dinner. The rest she would hand out to her children as chores. When she wasn't actively doing the few things she knew she MUST do, she was as I described. Nowhere in there is there time to take care of herself or tend to me or to teach me anything. I was a nuisance. Not that she didn't love me, she did love me. She just didn't have enough left in her to make that an action verb. Because of me she couldn't have ANY time to herself (in her view). Because, even if she was ignoring me, she was still responsible for me. And, if anything happened to me (which it did from time to time), she would be held accountable.

She could have kept staying at home after I started school. She really could have. Dad wanted her to, so she would be there when we got home from school. But, that wasn't the break she wanted. If she did that, she'd be responsible for maintaining the house - and that was more than she cared to do. So, she started working, to fulfill herself (or escape house-wife doldrums, whatever). Either way, she was seriously too busy to do any hygiene teaching once the job started.

I've finally got control of this EF. I need to get back to work. This is not all I felt like typing, but it's all I can do right now.

sanmagic7

i'm just glad you had somewhere to put this, wife2, and that it helped you get control.  sending hugs and love.

Wife#2

I'm discovering that there are more photos of me as a baby and small child then I ever remembered. However, it's still true that in most pictures, my autistic sister and I have to be kept apart.

The thing that disturbs me is that there are quite a few of me and autistic sis both in our cribs in the same room and both SCREAMING. Not crying, not having a good old-fashioned fit. Screaming! And obviously had been for some time! And Mom thought those pictures were HILARIOUS.

She would tell me (her opinion very funny) stories of:

How sis and I would bounce our cribs around until one or the other was blocking the door. (1960's, our cribs had wheels and slide-down side wall)
How sis was taking her feces and 'finger painting' the walls with it. Or fling it.
How we would bounce our cribs against each other and grab each other through the bars of our cribs. We did not play together, so.....

These were funny to her! Oh, how she'd 'regale' me with these stories. I laughed along with her, because I'm not stupid and because I could tell that's what was expected. Oh, those funny children of hers!

There were stories of the older children, too.

* The oldest who, at 14 months, escaped Mom, then escaped her diaper to be found by a neighbor blocks away, completely naked. Yeah. Funny. Mom was only 19 at that time, so it's definitely a case of being a Mom was too much work for her, not that she didn't have the energy.

* The first son, who needed minor surgery on his little private part at age 3. Shortly after surgery, using the bathroom, the seat fell on his little recovering member. Oh, how funny that was (NOT).

There are other stories, I can't remember them all right now. Still, the theme seems to be that babies are hard to take care of and besides, left to their own devices, babies are sooo funny!

When my son was an infant, Mom wanted me to spend time with her on the front porch of my house. I left the screen door open and the bassinet right by the door, because my son was sleeping. With every sound he made, I would check on him. Mom got irritated, saying, 'My God, Wife2, he'll be fine! It's good to let a baby scream for a while sometimes' 

WHAT!??? In whose universe is it good to allow a baby, who is completely helpless and terrified, to scream because parent doesn't want to be bothered right then? Seriously. They cry when it's minor. They scream when it's urgent. So, ignoring an urgent need for an infant makes sense how? Helps with bonding and attachment and trust between baby and parent? When I wouldn't follow her lead, Mom rolled her eyes and was completely disgusted with how overbearing and overprotective of my son I was shaping up to be.

Fast forward 8 years. My son may still hate to be disciplined by me, but he fundamentally trusts me to have his best interest at heart. The few times I've been in the house and didn't hear him hollering for me, he was devastated! When I did finally go to him, or he came to me, he was crying and shaken. That was not normal! ** I now see that his trust for me was based on the fact that I DO respond, even when I don't feel like it. That tells me I did the right thing, responding to cries consistently throughout his infancy and childhood.

I did take one picture of him having a fit in his crib. Yes, to me it's funny. Not hilarious, but funny, because I remember that the issue was he had just had a bath and he HATED baths. He was still angry. As soon as I took the picture, I put the camera down and soothed him. It took half an hour for him to trust my love and fall asleep. That's ONE incident.

And, he was never left alone with a dirty diaper on long enough to get curious, go digging and decide to make art out of the media he found there. I find that immensely neglectful. Even though his favorite time to pass solids was RIGHT after I'd changed a wet diaper! Ugh, but change again, anyway. Because I'm the adult and it's MY job to ensure my child's health and welfare.

Ugh!

sanmagic7

ugh turned around is hug, and here's one for you    :hug:.

i've heard that saying over the years as well - let the baby cry, it's good for their lungs, you'll spoil them, they're not being hurt, you don't have to run every time there's a whimper, etc.  i ignored all that 'sage' advice as well.  it never made sense to me, either.  same thing with soiled diapers.  ugh!  who wants to walk around in their own waste? 

once again, glad you're getting this crapola out of you.  yay!  ugly stuff that only festers when we keep it in.  hope your day goes well. 

Wife#2

Thank you, San!  :hug: back to you as well!

My day is actually going pretty well - the sunshine is helping. Also, I email talked to a person I haven't seen in 40 years! It's been nice catching up with him. That has brought some memories back, but they've been good memories.

Back to work. Lots to do and it'll keep my mind off of any of the yuckies.  :hug: again!

Wife#2

Ok - trigger warnings - sadness, depression, things that would make anyone sad, just all kinds of downers *** If you don't want to read about really sad stuff, click away NOW ***


Really, gang. If you're still reading, that's on you. I did warn you.....




I tracked down the young man who had been a foreign exchange student with my family for a year. He's alive and well, back in his home country. I couldn't resist, so I reached out to talk to him. Days had gone by and I didn't hear. So, figuring after 40 years, he'd forgot or lost interest, I made one more contact to let him know that it's ok. But, he texted back! We began chatting for a bit. Because of the time difference, we decided email would work better.

I told him about what I was doing, what Mom was doing, what some of my sibs are up to. He noticed the lack of information about the two siblings he'd been closest with. I was afraid that would happen and instantly regretted getting in touch at all. With a sad heart, I gave him the information that, yes, both siblings had died. So had the third sibling he asked about. So had the uncle he'd asked about. In one email, he was told about a total of 5 deaths in the family that I've had decades to cope with - and still struggle.

Understandably, he was very shaken by all the sad news. I want to get past that onto building a relationship as a friend with him, but even more, I don't want to push him. This is a lot of sad news to take in all at once. That was last Friday. I've felt very bad for even bothering him, knowing that this would be hard for anyone to take.

Also, I've been going through lots of memories. Most good, but some were pretty lousy.

Sunday I'd borne all I could bear. I started crying. I made sure hubby and DS wouldn't 'catch' me crying as it's rare enough to upset them. Plus, I've been getting sicker with the sinus thing going around the office - so I knew it would get messy. I had a good half-hour cry.

Later, I told hubby about the cry and why I was feeling somewhat blue. He was somewhat upset and somewhat understanding. He said he wished he knew some way to make me feel better. I told him I needed a REAL HUG really badly. He tried. It was a good hug. But, asking someone who doesn't do touchy-feely well for a hug is like asking someone with bad teeth to smile. They'll do it, but just enough to qualify and only for as long as required.

During the hug, I told him how much it meant to me (got a longer hug that way) and that he is the only person I have really loved with the depth I loved my lost siblings. That made it too emotional for him and he had to back away. Literally and figuratively. I understood and let him go. It was hard, though.

Later, I told him that the reason I'd needed that hug so badly was that I was the one who was there for others after sis and bro died. My family all had someone they could lean on (wives, husbands, siblings). Mom had me. I had therapists (and a best friend, who was overwhelmed by it all).

Then, I got to thinking that my foreign friend had nobody to help him process this, that I know about. And that it was rather cold of me to just drop all that news on him at once. I justified it to myself saying that he had asked. I was able to give some good news as well - about Dad and Mom. Still, I was depressed at being the source of such horrible news, when all I really wanted to do was to get back in touch.

Then, hubby, seeing that I was still depressed expressed his hope that I get over this soon and that he wished I'd never got in touch with that fellow if this is the result. He's used to me being even keel, and this having me be depressed where even HE can't deny it is scaring him. HE's supposed to be the emotional one, not me. And, when I'm emotional, he doesn't get his sexual reset from me. So, he's starting to feel the pressure of being responsible for his own emotions and that's sucking big time.

I've been trying to 'act' less depressed, but becoming very sick at the same time hasn't helped. It makes total sense to me and to hubby, but being depressed left me open to catch a bad sinus infection which immediately became bronchitis for me. I can't take time from work and even if I did, it wouldn't be restful. Hubby has a bad habit of wanting me to carry him places while I'm home, failing to catch on that I'm not there for him, I'm there to rest and recover from my illness! But, since I'm there....

So, I've been mediating over-the-counter for all the symptoms, hoping that will be enough to get me well. ** Removed rant against insurance company, lousy coverage and sad lack of ONE doctor that all these specialists I seem to need should be talking to - for an overall picture of a wellness plan for me **

And, while all this was going on, it occurred to me how my father justified being so absent from my life. It's just that he thought I was OK and that so-and-so needed him more. Sure, I might need my father, but so-and-so needed him just that much more. And wouldn't it be selfish of me to ask for my father to care more about me than her/him? Wasn't I being self-centered to even ask?

All my life, this was the case with Autistic sis - she really did need him more. Then, it was my step-siblings - both of whom had iffy relationships with their fathers. So, he had to be there for them, because they needed him more than I did. At least I knew my Dad loved me! And I did. I knew. He just had to be away for them.

'And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon. Little boy blue and the man in the moon. When you coming home, Dad, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. I know we'll have a good time then.'

That song always did make me cry. I so know how the son felt in that song.

So, I'm depressed, realizing that my Dad wasn't a bad guy, just unaware of the damage he was causing by always putting me lower on the list than I needed to be. I'm depressed, reliving the losses of my siblings as my friend must be feeling them. Grieving their loss and grieving with my friend who's just learned about the losses. I'm sick with this bronchitis. I'm not sleeping well because of the coughing (at least). Son is not liking that I'm not at his every beck and call. Hubby is not liking that I'm genuinely too sick for his reset and losing patience with it all. I'm too tired to fight with them, so I go hide in the sleep that has been granted to me by them. And at work, I'm just sick enough to struggle to get my job done and not sick enough to justify going home.

Good God - anyone got a violin handy? What a self-pity party! Dad was a good man. Hubby is a good man. DS is becoming a good man. My friend is a good man who is hurting because of what *I* chose to do. I have an infection, big deal. Get over myself and get going!! I keep trying to hide from the fact that it is my fault my friend is upset. I could have found a kinder way to break the news. But, I didn't and he's hurting. NO amount of illness or 'blame-daddy' is going to remove the fact that my actions had consequences. Bad ones. That's the truth.

sanmagic7

sweetie, i'm in a bad place today, couldn't read your post, but want you to know i'm still with you.    :hug:

Three Roses


jdcooper

QuoteSo, I'm depressed, realizing that my Dad wasn't a bad guy, just unaware of the damage he was causing by always putting me lower on the list than I needed to be. I'm depressed, reliving the losses of my siblings as my friend must be feeling them. Grieving their loss and grieving with my friend who's just learned about the losses. I'm sick with this bronchitis. I'm not sleeping well because of the coughing (at least). Son is not liking that I'm not at his every beck and call. Hubby is not liking that I'm genuinely too sick for his reset and losing patience with it all. I'm too tired to fight with them, so I go hide in the sleep that has been granted to me by them. And at work, I'm just sick enough to struggle to get my job done and not sick enough to justify going home.

You are being really hard on yourself.  You did nothing wrong in telling your friend about the deaths in your family.  I am sure he can handle it.  It is not your responsibility to handle feelings for someone else.  You are hurting and you deserve support.  Your autistic sister and step-siblings were no more deserving of your dads support than you were.  You were important.  Your needs mattered.  You have a right to feel sad.  It is not a pity-party.  Cats in the cradle always makes me cry too.  There is a reason this song is sad to us.  We didn't have our needs met.

:hug:

Wife#2

thank you all!

I did take two days off last week, and almost dared hubby to make the time from work about him. I got to the doctor, got my meds, got home, got in bed and slept. I've done only what needed doing since then. More than I should have had to do (having a fever, which is why I stayed home), but less than I could have.

I got rest. Real rest. I didn't think about (let me give him the fake name of Sadiqi (means friend in Arabic)) too much. I'd given him my work & home emails, but didn't check at home. I needed the break for a bit.

Hubby is now determined that I give him the precise time he may resume receiving his husbandly 'due'. Or, when is my medicine done, so that HE can calculate when I should be returning to wifely duties. He tried being supportive and understanding, but that only went so far. Last night, instead of comfort, I asked ONE question and got two hours of details about why his best friend has irked him - but that man's wife is WONDERFUL, allowing him to be home all day every day while she works, and she still does most of the housekeeping and isn't that the way it really should be?

::: Shaking head :::: Anyway, I'm better now, returned to work and back in my life. ::: Nodding ::: I'm returning to myself. I'm beginning to remember that I'm allowed to count and that if Sadiqi can't handle the news I've given to him, he needs to let me know. I can just disappear for another 40 years if that makes his life better. I will miss him again and I will wonder how he is, but my life WILL still be complete even if he can't be a part of it.

Hope66