The new journal for me - stage 2

[Elphanigh]

Does he use a phone/ can he? A voice message would be something he could hear. A little more difficult be he can not misplace that

[Wife#2]

  

Yes, I do like that numbers don't lie. They may get misinterpreted, but they don't lie.

I actually laughed out loud reading your last suggestion. Not only does he NOT have voicemail on his cell phone, he has no text. His cell phone is so old that every tower update could end his ability to still use it. He hates smart phones, including mine. Even leaving a message on the old fashioned answering machine at the house is no guarantee. That light could blink for three days before he even acknowledges it. Checking that machine is my job.

If he wants to do it, we'll discuss it the night before, in the evening. If he doesn't, Neon signs with arrows won't help him remember. I've called to talk to him about something I need him to handle. When I call him, he's always in the middle of something important (usually hobby related). If he calls me at work, it's vital and I should stop working immediately to address his concerns, etc. Rarely, if I ask him to wait for my return call, I'm very busy, he will agree and actually wait. Other times, he'll just try to blurt out fast whatever he wants to have said since he has me on the phone already.

Wow, just gripe complain, whine and fuss. THIS is when I get mad at myself. So, Wife#2 - this is the situation you are in. You didn't get here because of others, you made choices, decisions along the way, woman. Now that you are here, what are you going to do about it? Because this complaining and whining is getting old - even to my own ears.

Hubby doesn't want to listen unless it benefits him. OK, make sure what is important to you benefits him. THEN, he'll listen! Don't want to do that, because you know for what he'll ask? OK, then, shut up and deal with the fact that your hubby doesn't care what you have to say until it matters to him.

Your son doesn't do any chores around the house because he isn't MADE to do chores around the house. Yes, you're not the only one who fell down on this part of the job. So, what? Make a plan of action to get DS off his PS3 and helping around the house. Implement the plan. And stop complaining until you've got that much done.

Stop sitting and whining. Get proactive, Wife#2. P-R-O-A-C-T-I-V-E. This is YOUR life. Nobody else is going to write the script or check the sets. It's not their job even if they were willing. STOP and get busy with your own life. NOW.

At last, the anger is where it should be - annoyed at myself for complaining but not doing anything about it. What am I going to do? Plan for the moment. because I'm not ready for more just yet. Ugh. 

[Elphanigh]

DOn't be too angry at yourself. You are right that you need to make a plan and work on getting DS to help out, but it is not just your responsibility. Your H is being extremely selfish and has a huge part to play. Please, be patient and kind with yourself. You deserve that.

As far as complaining, you have read my journal and know well that you are not the only one that whines. I do as well. It is healthy sometimes to do that as long as we eventually come out of it. Which you are doing. All to say, you can whine and complain here it is your journal in fact. I also am glad to be here to help you through it. You have every right to be angry at your H and DS for not being more responsive to your needs and to not simply just being more responsible. It is truly unfair what  your H is doing, please realize that.

It is good to go into action and make a plan, but it isn't all on you. Take small steps and remember that kindness with yourself goes such a long way. 

[Wife#2]

And that's one of the many reasons you are such a wonderful friend!!

Here, you get to pick whatever colors of chalk you want. It rained last night, so the concrete is clean and ready for your creation! Because in our imaginary cyber-created world, it can rain and dry instantly. So nice!

I'm getting the yellow one. I'm going to draw suns because I can scribble hard and it just looks like I'm filling in the centers. Oh, I just had an idea, it is imagery that helps my mood.... Suns on a blue background  on one corner. Black chalk for a background, then white stars ... that's the other corner. 

I'm getting thirsty. Do you want a refill of a drink since I'm already going in?

Yes, nods, this is much better than being angry, sour or complaining.

To make me laugh..... The cliché says, 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.'  My twist: 'Just because you're complaining doesn't mean you have no reason.' Yes.

Better now. Thank you, Elphanigh.

[Elphanigh]

That makes me smile so much. I am glad to be a wonderful friend!

Great chalk drawings, I love that idea. I would like to share colors with  you and put some rainbows and colorful flowers to decorate your walkway. Bright colors are always fun. We can even make a place to play hopscotch if we get bored coloring.

Would always be glad to sit on the porch to enjoy something refreshing with you

Good change on the cliche, it works well.

Thank you for the smile, dear friend

[Blueberry]

wife#2, I can understand your frustration! That was some list of all you'd like help with sometimes. I mean, you're not even asking for continual help with all tasks. It sounds reasonable to me to want more help. I wish you all the best with getting H and DS to help out. At the very least H should be looking after his own possessions. That includes his dog. If it helps you to get a bit of a rant out, then go for it.

I can highly recommend another fun activity, even more fun than chalking the sidewalk: using finger paints, even better: using finger paints with your feet. We even get to share colours and mix them with our feet. It's really good for me to feel these dollops of gloopy paint on my feet. Never got to use finger paints as a child, so making up for it now. Except I haven't done it for a good few years.

[Wife#2]

Then, yes! I declare that Blueberry is right. We must include finger painting to our activities list. To be used by fingers or toes as the painter desires!

My son & granddaughter would love this. My husband and his adult children, not so much. They are not loving the stuff on feet idea.

I'm somewhere in the middle - ok with stuff on feet, but not for long! I love the idea, though!

Yes, ranting and venting helped get some of the vinegar out of my veins. I'm going to be nice to hubby for father's day. After that, it may be time for some family meetings and requests for help around that house. Hubby may benefit as well, which would be even better.

[Elphanigh]

Good plan Wife#2 and Blueberry. I would be up for anything that is not my work office right now

I hope those family meetings go well, my friend 

[sanmagic7]

o blueberry, i love love love fingerpaints!  how fun!!!  great idea!

wife2, i've read it all.  what i've come away with is that they are not going to change unless you do.  sorry to have to say that - it sucks, i know.  it always comes down to us having to do the hard work of making the first move.  i've had my share of family meetings.  i hope yours goes better than mine.

i remember getting really sick of picking up clothes after my daughters, washing them, folding them, then finding them all over the room - bed, floor, etc.  what i did, which was a difficult decision at the time, was when each of them turned 13, i gave over responsibility for their clothes to them.  i showed them how to use the washer and dryer, told them that they could now choose how to wear their clothes, and i was done. 

surprisingly, it worked really well.  when it became up to them, it changed.  they decided how they wanted to look in their clothes, and took care of it for themselves.  and i wasn't beating my head against the wall anymore.

it sounds to me like you may need to set some boundaries.  i don't blame you for ranting and raving, nor for whining, and, actually, you can do that for the rest of your life if you want and i'll still love you and be your heart and soul sister.   however, if you want some changes in your household from the rest of the residents, something more concrete, rather than asking over and over, or yelling, or whatever none of which has made a difference, seems to be in order.

to me, things like hints and pouts are manipulations.  maybe you might tell them that those will be ignored for now on.  maybe you'll want to start picking up your own dinner on the way home so that you can eat something nutritious and hot.  you can explain why you're doing that once, then put that plan into action.  maybe you want to do your own, and ds8's laundry yourself, and hub and other son can take care of their own, smelly or whatever.   that way, your clothes/towels and those of your son are just the way you like them, and you don't have to worry about the rest anymore. 

i think there may be more changes you can make if you think about it.  this is all about you and your young son in the end - the other 2 are adults.  a family is a community, and everyone needs to contribute.  but, unfortunately, you're the one who will have to take hold of the reins to make your wagon go in the direction you want.

i don't know if any of this is possible for you and your situation.  i'm just thinking off the top of my head.  you will do what is best for you and your boy as always.  i'll still be standing beside you. 

elphanigh, i agree with you on your assessment of the hub in this scenario.  sad, very sad.  it makes for having to pull more than double the burden. 

[Wife#2]

    

Thank you all!

Talking about problems without solutions is whining. Talking about problems and listening to solutions is community. Thank you all for being such a wonderful community today. Facing problems, implementing solutions and dealing with consequences - Well, that's just another day being a grownup. Right?

I'm not sure if I'm ready to be the grownup, but it's really not like I have a choice. Playtime is over for a while. Time to 'put on my big girl britches' and be the grownup for a while. That'll help me appreciate play time in the future all the more!

[Blueberry]

wife2, i've read it all.  what i've come away with is that they are not going to change unless you do.  sorry to have to say that - it sucks, i know.  it always comes down to us having to do the hard work of making the first move.  i've had my share of family meetings.  i hope yours goes better than mine.

Yes, we are the ones who have to make the changes, and in so doing, ease the others we are dealing with in to changes, bit by little bit. I realised that last year after a particular incident with my FOO. First I resented them for expecting me to change "as usual", then I realised that I am going to change e.g. start setting some limits, reacting differently or not reacting at all, but what I'm not doing is changing the way FOO expects (put up and shut up). This realisation has helped me. It's certainly a different situation you're in wife#2, because it's your FOC you're dealing with and on a daily basis, but maybe this idea that you're captain of the ship because nobody else seems to be able to or want to, will help a bit.

[sanmagic7]

nice one, blueberry - captain of the ship.  somebody has to be or the ship sails off course and everyone is lost.  it would be nice to have a teammate to shoulder half that responsibility, but, as you said, blueberry, it seems that no one else wants to or is capable of it in this case.  i wish that were not so, with all my heart.  you deserve a helping hand in the form of a co-captain, wife2.  i hope that happens.  big hug!!!

[Elphanigh]

Wife#2, I just had the urge to stop by and send yo lots of love and hugs You have been so helpful to all of us, and it sounds like you could use it as well. Also I post sometimes and realize I start to sound like you do when you reply to me so kindly with warmth and safety. Thank you and we are all right her with you. I just felt the need to share and send some warmth and happiness your way. 

[Wife#2]

Thank you, Elphanigh - I did need those hugs today. Not that it's been a bad day, but it was a rough night.

So, what's been on my mind making it a rough night, you ask? Oh, the state of everything. The good news, I'm starting to recognize that which I cannot change. I'm also glad I have more than one pair of 'big girl undies'. I'm going to need them. Change is underway, ladies.

No family meeting, can't get everyone in one room at one time. Yes, I also love the 'captain of my ship' title. Change that last 'p' to a 't' and it's even more true! So, my concept for moving forward is to get my own <ahem> ship in order and accept the reality that nobody will do anything they don't have to. Including me. Get up off my own backside and just start DOING. When anyone offers help (my guys actually do more often than not), GIVE them something to help with, not just wave them off with my usual, 'I got this'. Apparently I don't if the house is a mess and I'm angry most of the time.

Last night, I cleaned the ceiling fan in my bedroom. That shouldn't be such a major chore, but I've been waiting and hoping hubby would step up. NOPE. So, I handled it. Then, I handled putting away the laundry that hubby had washed. Then the dishes. Then, clean up behind puppies, taking them outside twice last evening. At last, try to catch the news. I managed to NOT laugh when I'm finally sitting and hubby complains to me, 'I'm bored!'.

I'm waiting for the weekend so if he tries to keep me up all night I can cope. At that point, it's meeting with hubby and me. I'm feeling very proactive and I'm tired of waiting for him to see anything. If he wants to, he can. If he doesn't want to, he's blind, didn't I hear that news? Whatever. It's time to point out some things.

Much of my strength you hear in this post comes from the extremely valuable and necessary validation I received while visiting a website online. Nothing to do with any PD or cPTSD or abuse or neglect, specifically. It's a marriage site - Marriage Builders. This site is AWESOME. It helped me see that some of my reactions to hubby are normal and healthy based on how he was treating me. And, to be fair, some of his reactions are normal based on how I treated him.

That being said, the psychologist who runs the site gives real, valuable tools to help a person see the other person's view. Stuff that gives a woman a sense that she's being heard and gives a man the A-> B-> C simplicity that appeals to his sense of logic. I mean, it's hard keeping my LOVE of this website under wraps until the weekend.

I can predict that hubby will hate all the reading and writing. Well, waaa. Does he want our marriage to improve or not? Because if this is just too much work, well, that tells me to ignore his crying when I walk out. With DS at my side.

Besides, I've thought and thought. And, I've looked at the local housing market. If I sell hubby that house, which I really wouldn't mind doing, I could take my half of the proceeds and buy a nice house for DS and me that hasn't been basically destroyed by hubby's 'projects' over the years.

I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

And, your hugs and support, Blueberry, Kizzy, Three Roses, and especially you, Elphanigh and San, they mean the world to me. Chin is up, printer is printing, turning the ship onto the best course for me and my son. I'll return to update you all on the progress when there is progress.

[Elphanigh]

So great to see an update from you dear friend. It does truly radiate strength, I could feel it as I was reading. I am so proud of you for taking all of those steps!

I am right there with you hoping for the best, but knowing no matter what you are strong and valiant! I know you are taking all the steps you need to be healthy and happy. Proud of you, and sending all the hugs and support. Even when you aren't posting here I am right there with you