The new journal for me - stage 2

[Wife#2]

So much going on, has gone on. I'm not even sure what to write about. Seeing where I left off the saga helps.

Well, I hadn't said much about it, because I knew it was time for action, not talk. I was ready and preparing to leave my husband. I was hoping it would be for a separation until we could both learn better skills in how we treat one-another. Both being uCPTSD makes marriage quite challenging. Especially when the husband refuses to believe that he needs to deal with any of his past.

To that end, I have had a secret credit card for two years now. When things got tough between me and H, I could look at that card (when alone) and feel that I could make it through without using it. That was my measure - was it time to use the card, or could we keep working on things.

The hurt was mounting up - because hubby ignores me and belittles me, the two types of abuse familiar to childhood. I reached my breakpoint not long after the last point. He belittled me over some small thing that shouldn't have even mattered. Still, he chose to go to the cruel path. I decided I'd had enough.

Except he was finally participating with the marriage website I'd found. That would have been wonderful, but he missed the parts about how husbands can't speak to their wives in belittling ways if they expect those same wives to fill their sexual needs. He cherry-picked the site, using all he could to confuse me. Now that's not hard to do and he's been a master of it for years. He'll paint me into a verbal corner- I can't really even describe how he does it. Answering his questions seems harmless enough, until I realize I've answered my way into a corner and the only way out is to capitulate or to come out fighting. Since he'd been sounding SO REASONABLE, my coming out fighting sounds like I'm the volatile one with the bad temper. He knows how I hate to fight, so he's expecting capitulation. To his cherry-picked ideas.

I'll continue tomorrow when I'm back at work. I don't dare talk about this site, let alone lead him here - or I'll have no place to have private thoughts or hear from others if what I'm experiencing is normal or abusive!

[sanmagic7]

so glad to hear your voice, doll.

i know about those set-ups, sly and subtle and cunning, where i came out looking like the bad guy and he just stood back with kind of a befuddled look on his face, like, 'what? i didn't do anything'.  in my case, that's exactly why it happened.  he'd stay back and let me make all the decisions and take all the flak. 

it really sucks. 

you sound stronger.  big, warm, loving hug to you.   

[DecimalRocket]

Nice to meet you Wife#2. I've noticed you around earlier posts and I know a little bit about you.

Man, it could really be tough when you're not being listened to in a relationship. Everyone has a right to have their needs to be heard and respected, but he's not respecting it here. Especially when it's been said over and over and over.

Glad you're back though. Take care.

[Three Roses]

  so nice to hear from you but  for the circumstances. Such a difficult spot to be in! I agree with San, you sound stronger. You got this.

I still wish we had a :flex: smiley.

[Wife#2]

Thank you all. I am stronger than I used to be. The porch, in many ways, is partially responsible. All of you are also partially responsible.

Yes, even you, Decimal Rocket! We may have just met, but I like who you are showing yourself to be. I smile every time I see your forum name in a thread. 

For why I'm here today. I've told everyone a version of the story that fits their view of me and my husband. I haven't told anyone the whole story, though. Not even myself until I sat down and began typing. I'm not fully ready to share it all here yet, and I don't really have time, either.

Right now, all I'll say is that my husband is in the hospital, they are running test to see what has happened. It's more than just a heart attack. Maybe no heart attack at all, but something is seriously physically wrong. And I feel trapped inside panic and sympathetic chest pains. I want to spare him all of this, but that's not my job. I want to reassure him that I'll never leave, but that becomes a lie as he uses it as a tool to manipulate me.

Last night, I spent the night in my home alone. Our son-in-law is watching our son so I can be at work today. Hubby is still in the hospital, having tests run. I am here at work, completely distracted, but doing my best to actually get work done. My coworkers have been helping - I had to leave suddenly yesterday to take hubby to the hospital. Still, I like things my way and had to go back through everything done for me and re-do it the way that is helpful to me.

Being in that home alone, for the first time since getting married, some old ghosts showed up. Insomnia, regret, sadness. Not even the puppies could bring me any joy. So many emotions, and I haven't the time to really deal with them at all. I'm sure life will make me deal with them. Hopefully not with the dramatic method chosen for hubby. Still, I know it is coming and I hope I'm ready. I also hope this isn't ruining our son's Christmas. To have two such damaged parents must be near unbearable to him. We talk and he says that helps, but still.... more emotions.

[Elphanigh]

Sending lots of love and peace 

I don't have much else to give today, but I am always here. I am sure your son understands. The way you speak about your relationship with him is always amazing, it is something that I know many kids wish they had with their parents (I certainly did). You talking to him, and keeping him I the loop is amazing.

As far as your husband goes, you are right you can't lie and say you will never leave. It isn't good to give him something to manipulate you with. At the same time I do truly hope he gets well, and all of this can start to clear up.

I know you will be able to deal with all the emotions when the world gives that chance to you. It has a nasty way of doing it sometimes but I have faith you are strong and wise enough to do it. Know we are all here for you as you go through all of this 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Hope66]

Hi Wife2,
Just wanted to pop by and give you a hug  - wishing you whatever you need at this time - when your husband is in the hospital - wishing you whatever would help in that circumstance - and sending you warm and loving thoughts.
Hope 

[Wife#2]

Thank you all!  Back to each of you!

Yes, I see you over there, sister San. I feel your love and strengthening energy as well. Thank you!

[sanmagic7]

with you all the way, you darling sister, you.  hope he's ok, and very sorry you're going thru this, especially at this time of the year.

i know you've got a lot of mental and emotional crapola going on.  just want you to know that i'm right beside you, sweetie.  not letting go for a minute.  big hug full of support and strength and lots of love.

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, bud, just glad we're already on good terms.

I hope you do better with what's going on with your family there. It's easy to see that you're doing your best though. You seem like a deeply loving parent.

 

[Three Roses]

 

[Wife#2]

  Thank you all for the incredible support. It mattered. It matters. I carry it with me and your support sustains me.

It wasn't a heart attack, but it was certainly more than nothing. We are relieved. He's home from the hospital and doing much better. The doctor believes hubby will be able to manage with medication. All say he was lucky. That he didn't ignore it, that he didn't have a worse warning.

I'm at work and crazy busy again - as usual. I will try to type more if I get caught up better than I am now.



Christmas was a wonderful, beautiful day. So much better than hubby or I expected. Especially given all that had gone before.

[sanmagic7]

yay.  so glad all the way around.  i'm a sucker for happy endings.

warm, loving hug to you, wife2, and healing wishes for your hub.  always right beside you.

[Hope67]

Hi Wife2,
Glad to hear that you had a nice time at Christmas - and just wanted to send you a hug  - and also say thanks for the Mama Bear (Kodiack) that you brought into my life - she is amazing.

Wishing you all the best for 2018, and wishing you lots of positive things.

Hope