Today I realized that... (Part 1)

[anosognosia]

I'm afraid to step into the light. I'm still so enmeshed w my parents' emotional brainwashing that I feel guilty living life in my own terms and living for myself. It's a very uncomfortable process and I try to self-sabotage any chance I get (with the critical voice emerging "see? see? you can't do it without me, you need to be under my control, I knew you would fail")

[voicelessagony2]

Hugs to your younger self , you can sit next to me on a bus any day 

And a BIG cheer for turning things around by reparenting yourself       

PS - I used to get pains like that in my side whenever I ran and it was a stitch which I think came from being so tense all the time - tightly coiled muscles and shallow breathing do not make the body happy when you put it to work. Once I learned to stretch out and warm up before I ran (which I hate to do by the way) I didn't get them as frequently or as bad.

Thank you Kizzie! If I ever have dreams about that damn school bus, I will try to put you on it with a friendly smile, making room for me! 

Wow, what a difference one person could have made, if they had just showed me how to warm up back then!

[anosognosia]

I met my friend's boyfriend last night and realized that I'm still drawn to drama and find stable things boring.

[Jdog]

Waking up and feeling defective is just one of those storms I may occasionally have to weather from time to time and not even emails from my kindly therapist will keep it from happening....but  I am ok just the way I am DESPITE my vicious inner critic and lonely inner child (who are sometimes one and the same)!

[anosognosia]

Seeking out therapy from a man who consistently offends me is not gonna work. I terminated the relationship via secure e-mail and asked for a referral to someone else. Yeah ME!

Good for you. I always feel guilty for changing therapists, but if there's no alliance why should they get my 160$ for a bad hour.

[schrödinger's cat]

I've got the right to grieve.

I started drifting into a depression somewhere between the age of ten to twelve. I was always sadder than the others, slower than the others, more absent-minded than the others. Less cheerful, less bouncy, less optimistic, a lot less fun to be with.

So for all my life, I've tried so HARD to keep up. I always walked as fast as I could. I tried to be as cheerful as I could. I tried to get as much done as I could. Of I did that - if I worked full tilt - then I could jiiiust scrape by and seem normal. I could just about keep up with the stragglers. And unless I was absolutely at the top of my game, someone would inevitably notice my vulnerability and home in on it. I noticed today that I still have that reflex. "Oh, I can't socialize with XY - she's so cheerful, so full of energy. I just can't keep up."

And it hit me: why the * should I 'keep up'? Who'd even demand of me that I 'keep up'? So I'm more serious than other women around me. So what? Serious is good. Quiet is good, too. A good person won't mind. I've got to give people a chance to prove that not everyone on earth is a jerk.

Mostly, I can just let it happen, the seriousness or quietness or grief. It's okay now. I've got grown-up ways of expressing my true state of mind in acceptable ways. I can find my own pace now.

[Jdog]

Cat-

Two thumbs up for finding your own pace!  I find that staying with my own rhythm, whatever it happens to be at any one time, is very challenging.  I think this is true because I have so often tended to look at myself from outside-in....trying to see myself as I thought others saw me.   I spoke of myself in the third person as a toddler,("she wants this, she sees that") which may not be all that unusual except I think others may have shifted to first person pronouns eventually (ok, I did EVENTUALLY - but didn't quite make the 180 degree turn and feel my own feelings). 

So good for you for taking a stand on your own behalf!  Huzzah

[Widdiful Falling]

I am one tough cookie. 

It's okay for me to think positive things about myself. It does not mean I am selfish, or hiding from the truth. I truly try, every day, to make the world around me a better place. Sometimes I don't succeed in getting past the trying part. That's okay. I can take a break as often as I need to. Mine is a tiring life.

I most definitely know what it is like to have a tiring life. That concept does not belong to other people alone. I'm allowed to feel bad for myself, I'm allowed to grieve the loss of my childhood, and I'm allowed to think of it as lost.

No one else's pain is comparable to my own. We all feel things in profoundly different ways, and we all cope with things differently. Asking myself "why can't you just be more like Xyz," is not only invalidating, it's unadulterated poison for the mind.

I'm allowed to eat food I like, wear clothes I like, and do activities I like. I don't have to feel bad that I have spare money in the bank. I don't have to feel guilty because I don't send it to my M. Sending her money has never made a difference in the past, and I don't see how it will start now. I am not dangling it over her head, I do not value material goods more than my family, and I did not suddenly stop supporting her in her time of need.

It is rather narcissistic of me to write my story and problems out, and tell people about it, but it's a good kind of narcissism. One that comes with a heaping side of validation for me, and healing. I am not a covert narcissist, just because I need validation. I do not run around intruding in others' lives to get it, and I don't have any expectations that people will treat me like a god because I post my story. I am always pleasantly surprised, in fact, at the support I get for posting. It's wonderful. It's like having a parent I can go to, who won't judge me for being me-centered right now.

I am very other-centered. Yesterday, I read about covert narcissists, and worked myself into a tizzy because, at some point or another, I had displayed some of the traits of one. I had to remind myself that narcissistic people of any flavor do not worry about the feelings of others, only their perceptions. I worry constantly about the feelings of everyone around me. I don't want to hurt people so badly, that I've sacrificed my emotional well-being to avoid doing so. Of course, I've hurt people. I'm not perfect. But I always try to learn from my mistakes, and this does not happen anywhere near often enough to be described as a dominating trait of mine.

Simple human error is okay. Being mad at people is okay. Even wanting to hurt people that wronged me is okay, as long as I don't act on that impulse. Wanting to hurt someone, and actually thinking of the consequences and not doing so, is a very un-npd type of behavior.

Wow. This is very long. I had quite the day yesterday! 

[C.]

Thanks for posting it and cheers to all you've learned.  I gleaned some more support and ideas too

[Sandals]

I'll add another yesterday (instead of today) here. Yesterday I realized what a long, long road this is going to be, and how when I thought I was making progress, it wasn't more than down the lane and turning onto the road. But I'm grateful for being able to see the road now and to have wonderful people with me on the way.

[anosognosia]

I don't need a lot of money to be happy with the right guy....

[wingnut]

I'm sorry to hear this happened. I think we especially get hurt in situations where we want to trust and risk being vulnerable. I appreciate you sharing as a way to help prevent others from the same thing.

[C.]

bheart I'm very sorry for what you experienced and thanks for the heads up.  I also know it takes courage to stay connected here and I hope that you continue to do so. 

[C.]

Great to hear bheart   I hope I understand what you mean about safety...I like what Dr. Pete Walker says about things being "good enough"...in other words all humans due to their imperfections will make mistakes and do things that may be less safe, meaning parents, therapists, doctors, friends, forum members, etc.  But, hopefully, with some of those people the positives outweigh the negatives enough to become "good enough".  It sounds like your T and one of your experiences here wasn't good enough.  But you're on track with your needed current steps, so I have faith and hope that with good enough support you will move through them...I only count my T, the forum as a "single" entity, and maybe one friend, to be "good enough" in my current reality...I too had a bad therapist who re-traumatized me...So I only had one person "good enough" up until a few months ago...my point being that I see you are sticking w/hope and healing and you will, eventually, see the fruits of your efforts...

[Kizzie]

Folks, I just want to step in here and say that what I have been alerted to are off-board relationship and not on this forum.  That said, I have taken steps to ensure everyone's safety in this forum by rewriting the Member Guidelines.  I will also be recruiting two moderators so that we have more "eyes on" the board.  In the meantime, please let me know if you do come across any questionable posts by clicking on the "Report to Moderator" button.

As C put it so well, let's make sure we stick with hope and healing here 

Tks all!

Kizzie